That Which Replies To You, Does Not Reply To Me

Right before I started my freshman year of college, I got into a relationship with one Slick Nasty. As evidenced by his very lovely nickname, he was definitely someone you date when you're young and dumb. (In my defense, besides the fact that I was not quite 18 when we met, I wasn't that dumb - clearly, there was an expiration date on this relationship.) Although he wasn't my first boyfriend, he was my first adult boyfriend, with 5 years of life experience on me. However, since I knew more stuff than he did, we were pretty even. Having had exactly one boyfriend prior to Slick, I had a very limited understanding of how relationships worked. Apparently, I missed the seminar on how there must be fights; when we had our first one, it was a shock to my system. While I can't remember what the fight was about, something he said has stuck with me, all 389 years later. Are you ready? It's quite profound.

"What replies to you doesn't reply to me."

This stuck with me for 2 reasons. One, because I remember being very sensitive to his manhood and trying to subtly correct him. "If it applies to me, it does apply to you." (We had already had a very serious conversation about why I thought I was smarter than him - subtleties were not his strong suit.) The second reason was this idea that there were things he could do in our relationship but I could not. To me, that was totally ludicrous and he had no legitimate rationale. However, it came up subsequent times in my relationship with Mr. Nasty - the relationship double standard.

As we exist in a society of double standards, they are inescapable as many have been built into our understanding of gender rules and roles. Each of us comes into our relationship with an idea of how things should work based on a number of variables: family of origin, past experiences, education, emotional intelligence, personality, etc. One would hope that within our romantic relationships, there is a belief that each partner is equal. Unfortunately, regardless of sexual preference, many people do indeed have a double standard within their relationships. What's good for the goose is NOT good for the gander!

It would be easy to attribute the double standard to gender lines. And sometimes, the double standard is based on what is expected of each gender. However, it is not so black and white. Many of these relationship double standards are a confluence of gender role ideology, trust issues, selfishness and projection. Basically, it boils down to one simple concept: "I want to do what I want to do when and how I want to do it. But...that doesn't mean you get to do the same." Hence, the root cause of many arguments with Slick.

Let's be clear: this is not about the division of labor nor gender-based relationship roles. In reality, both genders benefit from their roles (as well as suffer for them). For example, it's usually the men who are tasked with the more physically laborious job. They kill the spiders, put gas in the car and take out the garbage. As a woman who dates men, I definitely benefit from that. Women tend to take on more of the household chores; they make sure everyone is wearing clean underwear, there's fruit and vegetables in the refrigerator and that you don't need shower shoes in your own bathtub. (Of course, these are generalizations based on a more traditional idea of gender roles, but even the most liberated woman doesn't like to kill spiders.) However, I'm speaking to a behavior or set of behaviors that one partner engages in, but becomes indignorant (indignant about ignorant sh*t) when their partner does the exact same thing!

Let me paint a picture for you:
Chris and Pat are out to dinner. As they are seated, a strikingly good-looking so-and-such walks by. Chris stops mid-sentence, follows the person with their eyes, and drool is practically coming out of their mouth. Now Pat, who is somewhat used to this behavior, has learned to mostly ignore it. It's bothersome and a bit rude, but Chris is pretty harmless. Their server approaches - their gorgeous server who just so happens to be Pat's type. Although Pat is pretty smooth about appreciating the server, Chris still notices and becomes outraged, talking about how rude and disrespectful it is for Pat to check someone else out - right in front of them!

D-o-u-b-l-e s-t-a-n-d-a-r-d.

Is it fair? No. Have we all done it? I'm sure most of us have at some point in our relationship history. (You may be doing it as we speak!) Some of us do it in little ways while others do it in big ways. Regardless, when we do it, we are often trying to divert attention away from our own behavior by highlighting what our partner is doing - even though it's the same thing. We become defensive, trying to show how when we do it, it's different. Deep down, we know it's not, we just don't like to look and feel like hypocrites. And some of us have an allergy to taking responsibility for our actions. It's much easier to project than to proclaim, particularly if we are in the wrong. This replies to everyone, not just men and not just women.

So if your partner has brought it to your attention that you are double standardizing* them, you owe it to them and your relationship to take a step back and try to see things from their perspective. Sometimes it helps to ask a third party because some of your beliefs may be so deeply ingrained, it's difficult to recognize that they may always be skewed in your favor. It's also an opportunity to see where these ideas are coming from. What's at the root of these thoughts/feelings/beliefs? Is it mistrust? Are you being selfish? Is this how things were in your family? If this is something that's troublesome in your relationship, you will figure out how to compromise; otherwise, this issue will come up again and again and could cause significant damage to your relationship. Although we all know life isn't fair, there are some things that should at least be close.

Even if you are the one that has to kill the spiders all the time.

*If you or someone you know is being double standardized, please do not hesitate to get help by calling 1-800-HPO-CRIT. (Uh, yes, I made that up.)

There's Something We Need to Talk About

During my first-year field placement in grad school, I had a little situation with one of the managers of the program. He wasn't my supervisor, but he was a supervisor. He had this tendency to interrupt the groups I ran, in a manner that I felt was disrespectful. Granted, the participants were homeless men who heard voices and were trying not to smoke crack, but still...rude! Although I'm generally pretty laid back, I felt he had crossed the line. However, in order to put an end to this trifling behavior, I was going to do something I really didn't want to do: confront him.

Dayum, Gina.

Like most people, I try to avoid confrontation like the plague. It's uncomfortable and in certain situations, I totally get bubble guts because I'm so nervous. (TMI? My bad.) Whether it's a friend, a co-worker, a baby boo or a boss, not too many people enjoy confronting someone or being confronted, especially if it's something major. Yet, it's unavoidable...unless you like being a doormat.That's what can make it so difficult because you're essentially making yourself vulnerable. You are telling on yourself about what you need, what you like, what you don't like, how you feel about something/someone to another human being; you are telling them they have the power to affect you. Fortunately, most of us are not sociopaths (although I hear this Kofy guy is a mean SOB) and we are usually invested in what the confronter is saying. How you are confronted, however, can either lead to resolution or fisticuffs (aka an ass beating).

There is a common misconception that confrontation has to be an aggressive and hostile event. And many are, but often unnecessarily so. Because people (especially women) don't want to appear as petty or demanding, they allow issues to fester until they get good and pissed. Then there's an explosion of accusations and self-righteous indignation (or indignoration, depending on the situation) because the other person has not sussed out what the problem is from all the passive-aggressive comments and shenanigans. Suddenly, the confrontation morphs into finger-pointing, chicken-necking screaming match about selfishness and arrogance when the original issue was about leaving one swallow of orange juice in the container. (Hopefully, that's with a friend/family member/baby boo and not your boss...awkward.)

There's an art to confrontation. It takes forethought, insight and a little objectivity. It's easy to believe that you're right all the time (I most certainly do), but really, you're not. In many situations involving humans, there often isn't a clear-cut, black and white right or wrong. We all have our reasons for doing things and we sometimes neglect to think about the impact on others. Here are 7suggestions to have a "happy" confrontation:

1. Figure out what you would like to happen as a result. Do you just need to be heard or is there something specific you need for this to be resolved?
2. Be honest with yourself. In what ways may you have contributed to this situation?
3. Take a step back and check in with yourself emotionally. If you are angry, it may not be the best time to confront your boss about why you got passed over for that promotion.
4. Be prepared to listen. You may find that the other person has some things to confront you about. If you are not ready to hear them, it may not be the right time for this confrontation.
5. Pick an appropriate time and space. Your anniversary dinner is probably not the best time to confront your husband about the size 14 stiletto heels you found in his gym bag. (I'd like to be a spectator for that confrontation though!)
6. Have some ideas about how to resolve the issue. "I don't know, just fix it" is NOT a solution.
7. Let it go once it's been addressed/resolved. I'm sure another issue will come to take its place in all due time, so there's no use in always talking about "how they always leave one swallow in the container." Besides, it will just make you mad all over again.

I know all these suggestions don't make it easier to confront someone. And sometimes, our audience isn't open to being confronted. Just keep in mind that a closed mouth doesn't get fed and nothing will change if you only sit around wishing it would. I did address the issue with the rude supervisor guy. I was nervous and my tummy was churning, but I did it. He apologized and it never happened again. We became the best of friends and are still in touch.

Just kidding - I couldn't stand him before and I couldn't stand him after. But he didn't interrupt my groups no more times!

Trickeration in the Dancery

You're at the grocery store and both of you reach for the last organic sprouted gluten-free dairy-free (flavor-free) whatchamacallit. You both chuckle and they allow you to have it...as long as they can get your number. Since they are cute, apparently single and have good taste in whatchamacallits, you give them the digits. Soon thereafter, a date is planned.

Here's the first date checklist:
1. shower
2. shave
3. brush teeth
4. iron your fancy clothes and put them on
5. put on makeup (some guys are into eyeliner)
6. put on some smell-good
7. dust off the heels/church shoes

Some of you know that in your everyday, regular state of being, you barely do 1-3, much less even own an ironing board. However, this is the first date and you only get one time to make a good first impression. While there's the distinct possibility that this whatchamacallit eater may only look good under the fluorescent lighting of a grocery story, you're hopeful that you'll like each other. That's why you're wearing the shoes that cut off the circulation in your left baby toe.

When we date someone new, we all bring our representative. This is the best version of ourselves, the one that not only has wrinkle-free clothing, but also is interesting, delightful, entertaining and totally flaw-free. During the first few dates, our representative is in full effect mode (like Al B. Sure, for your pleasure); we don't want to scare our prospective boos with all our idiosyncrasies and unique personality quirks at one time. If you're fortunate, you've made a real connection and can feel okay to let your soul glow; you can be your truest self and send your representative home.

There's nothing wrong with sending your rep out there; part of it is biological as we are subconsciously drawn to people who are physically attractive for procreating reasons. There is also a list of characteristics to which we respond positively and reinforce our initial physical attraction. But more importantly, we owe it to ourselves to be protective of the information we disclose. In sharing who we are, we make ourselves vulnerable to the possibility of ridicule and judgment. They don't need to know about your bad credit or extensive collection of beanie babies right away. There will be some things they will discover about you (and you them) over time. That's the (allegedly) fun of dating, the getting-to-know someone part.

Some people don't seem to understand there's a difference between a representative and a misrepresentative. Your representative is still you - it's just a more polished version. A misrepresentative, however, is a falsified version of who you are. Sometimes, people outright lie and make up stories about who they are. They often have an ulterior motive (or a personality disorder) for lying, whether it be to get sex, money or whatever. They are the extreme version of misrepresentation. There are others though that may be pretending to be the self they wish they were or the self they think you want them to be. The problem is that your true self will eventually come to light.

To ensure that you're not misrepresenting who you are to your new boo, it's important to take a self-inventory. Get your friends and family involved; they'll be more than happy to tell you alllllllllllllllll about yourself. If you haven't really figured out who you are yet, maybe it's not the right time for you to date. It's also important to know what you want. If you're just trying to get laid, be honest with yourself (and your date) about that. Make sure your behavior is congruent with your words. If you're saying that you don't want a relationship, don't act like you're in one. While some may argue that honesty isn't always the best policy, it is when it comes to being honest with yourself. After all, those beanie babies didn't magically appear in your closet, right?

Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and Friends with Benefits

What do Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and Friends with Benefits (FWB) have in common? Although there is evidence to the contrary, there are plenty of people out there who believe they are real and devote time and energy in chasing them down. Ever elusive, these three have inspired numerous books, articles and movies.

What is a friends with benefits relationship? As I understand it, it's a sexual relationship between two friends. They usually have a pre-existing friendship, but there is an element of sexual attraction that both parties choose to act on, deciding to forgo the intricacies and expectations of a romantic relationship. Ideally, the two folks can enjoy each other's company, clothed and unclothed, without wreaking any emotional havoc on each other's lives.

Sounds kind of cool...and if we lived an ideal world, this probably would actually work out.

So if the two friends are down and want the same thing, why doesn't it work? Because we, as human beings, are LIARS. We definitely lie to each other, but what's even more noteworthy, is that we lie to ourselves. In order for this kind of relationship to work, we tell each other that we won't allow our emotions to get involved and the moment they do, it's over. We don't want any of that boyfriend-girlfriend, girlfriend-girlfriend, boyfriend-boyfriend stuff going on. Some simple, guiltless, emotion-free nookie is all we're asking for. Is that too much?

Yep.

Although men have a reputation for being emotionless sluts that can stick their being able to compartmentalize sex and emotions, many find that having an emotional connection with their sexual partner enhances their enjoyment. There's also this lovely little hormone called oxytocin that gets released when we orgasm (both men and women) that makes us feel closer to our partner. While not everyone experiences a sense of intimacy with their sexual partner, it's still an act that makes us vulnerable to one another regardless. Seriously, how many people do you allow to see you naked? How many people know what it takes to make you hot under the collar? Exactly. Inevitably, one of you will catch feelings for the other and the nookie is no longer guilt-free, especially when/if those feelings are not reciprocated.

Regardless, many people try (and fail) to have this kind of relationship because they believe that what befalls others won't happen to them. So they go into blindly, without having any pre-established rules. And even though rules are meant to be broken and usually are in this situation, it's good to at least start off with a few. So here are some rules to consider in having a FWB:

1. Time limits. The FWB should be viewed a temporary arrangement, not a permanent situation. The longer you're "together", the harder it will be to avoid developing any feelings. I say 2 months, max.

2. Mutual understanding and agreement. Both of you should agree to boundaries. Is this a monogamous sexual relationship? Are you open about dating other people? Do you tell the other if you met someone special?

3. Protection. This goes without saying.

4. Quality time. Are you only spending time together to have sex? Do you still hang out like before you started having sex?

5. Affection. Are you affectionate outside of the bedroom?

6. Termination. Will you try to return to being friends after it ends?

7. Discretion. Is it common knowledge that the two of you hook up or is it a clandestine kind of thing? If you have mutual friends, will you tell them?

Most importantly, be honest with yourself; is this the kind of relationship you really want or is it something you're settling for? Do you really like this person and you're willing to accept whatever it is they offer in hopes they'll magically fall in love with you? (FYI, that generally only happens in the movies). Regardless of your answer, please go into this situation well-informed and with your eyes wide open. While you are constructing a fantasy in your head about how they'll fall madly in love with you, they might be sleeping with you because the person they really like is making them wait until the 5th date.

So if you insist on moving forward on this type of relationship, be forewarned: there is a high possibility that it will bite you in the booty - and not in the way you like.

Circle, Bird, I'll Tell You When to Land

 "You got me hanging on a string now. I'm not a plaything.

Ah, the great Stringer Alonger (SA). I've briefly mentioned them before, but I think it's time to dedicate a whole conversation to this phenom. To refresh your memory, the SA is someone who may act like your boyfriend/girlfriend, but cannot make an actual commitment. It may walk like a duck and talk like a duck, but they call it a kangaroo and get indignorant (indignant about ignorant sh*t) when you insist upon acting like it's a motherf*cking duck!

Sorry, having a flashback.

If you've ever dated anyone, you've probably experienced some lightweight stringing along. I may be selling out my gender, but I know as women, we are very good at ducking (or kangarooing) and dodging any direct answers when it comes to someone we're not really feeling. Speaking for myself, it comes from a place of empathy; it sucks being rejected and even though we're talking about another adult, I know that my rejection will be incredibly debilitating and may send them into a tailspin of depair. (No illusions of grandeur going on here.) Henceforth, therewith, I have been guilty of doing a little stringing along. However, to be a true SA requires a lot more time, energy and an intimate knowledge of relationship buzzwords and terms of endearment.

Within this category, there are 2 sub-categories: intentional and unintentional Stringer Alongers. There are some people who intentionally string along others because they derive some kind of gain. Whether it is money, sex, or a simple ego boost, these folks are cognizant of what they are doing. The unintentional SA is a little different; they truly care/love/appreciate you and expend time and energy on your relationship. Well, kind of. Sometimes. Mostly when it's convenient for them. But nonetheless, they do really cherish who you are as a human being (and that's exactly what they'll tell you).

How do you know if you're dealing with a real Stringer Alonger? Here are 5 signs:

1. They hint at the possibility of the consideration of thinking about maybe having some kind of committed relationship someday in the nearly distant future that is not right now.

2. They often withhold something crucial such as time, affection, and/or sex.
3. They do and say things that keep you hooked in (i.e terms of endearment, spending some quality time, talking about future plans, engaging in intimate behavior).

4. They do/say things that remind you that you don't actually have a commitment.

5. They insinuate that there are certain things about you that make you almost the right candidate to be their baby boo...that's what's really standing in the way.

In some ways, it's worse dealing with the unintentional SA because you know their feelings for you are genuine (in their mind). The underlying issues with tthem are indecisiveness and fear. They are fearful they will make the wrong decision; even though they know you are amazingly fantastic and would be a fool to let you go, they still aren't sure if you're the most amazingly fantastic person who is completely right for them. So instead, they keep you right where they like you - limbo. Heaven forbid they make a real commitment!

"I've waited oh so long, for you to come to me.

What did I do wrong? It's all a mystery to me."



As the Strung Out, it's easy to paint the picture that we victims. Maybe...at first. However, there comes a time when we realize that this is not going to become what we had envisioned. No holding hands in the sunset, no romantic dinners on Cinco De Mayo, no celebrating the anniversary of the first time you talked on the phone, none of that. When you meet someone with whom you think all of this is going to happen, it's very difficult to accept and let go when you realize that it's not...especially when they are engaging in behavior that makes it seem like it still might could. So you hold on, hoping to show them how right you are for them. Clearly, they can't see the obvious - you are meant to be together.

When you tell yourself this story, you are actually colluding with the Stringer Alonger. This may sound counter-intuitive, but you are equally indecisive. Maybe you've invested too much time and energy into the relationship to let go. Or you're afraid of being alone or that you'll never meet anyone better. Whatever the reason, you aren't going anywhere. However, deep down, you know things won't change; if they wanted to commit to you, they would. Although it feels like the SA has all the power, it's not true; you can leave anytime you want. You just choose not to. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you can acknowledge that's exactly what you're doing. Ultimately, you're responsible for your own happiness. Just remember, if it walks like a pseudo-relationship and talks like a pseudo-relationship, it's not a kangaroo.

Love in the Time of Facebook

 

 

It's the first date. You're having a good time; witty banter, interesting conversation, there's a little flirting going on. Subconsciously, both of you know that this is the interviewing process, but it's been good. No one has asked about the 5 year plan or the disaster known as your relationship history. It's light, it's easy, just how a first date should be. As the date is wrapping up, right before the should-we-kiss dance begins, your date slips in that last question, the one you were hoping to avoid: Are you on Facebook? The question in itself isn't a bad one; even those without a Facebook account know what Facebook is. However, that one question often leads to another, more problematic issue - the Facebook friend request.

Awkward.

Social media is everywhere. It's associated with laundry detergent, cars, shoes, Pringles...almost everything and everyone at the very least has a Facebook page. There's Google +, Pinterest, Myspace, Friendster and a plethora of other sites; although some are more popular than others, they are all forums for people to express themselves and connect with others. It's been responsible for reunions, reconnections, social action, hook-ups, events, and disseminating information. On the surface, this seems great. But there can be a darker side, of break-ups and de-friending, cyber-bullying and cyber-stalking and people displaying their creative sides...with an interesting interpretation of how English works. This begs the question: Should you be Facebook friends with someone you're dating?

I vote no. Actually, an emphatic hell no.

We all know that when you're dating someone new, you are presenting your best self, your representative. (Hopefully, your rep isn't too far a stretch from who you really are, but you still don't let all your crazy show at one time.) On Facebook, many of us do let it all hang out (although some of us need to put it away); we talk explicitly about what we think, how we feel, what we like, what we're doing right now at this very moment today here in this place where we are...we put a lot of information out there. Some of that information might just be a little too much for a new boo. Without any actual knowledge of who you are, it can lead to a lot of misinterpretation and misunderstanding. Or maybe it's an accurate interpretation and understanding they should have...after getting to know you waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better.

Facebook minefields include status updates, photo albums, other people's photo albums, notes, posted articles, pages you like, your friends, getting tagged, tagging others...is that just about everything on Facebook? Basically, anything you post is up for grabs and even the friends you love and adore (do you really know all 732 friends?) can shine a light on things that may need to be discussed...eventually, like on the 17th date or something.

Here's an example of how something so benign can go so wrong:
      
             Status update: I'm having a crunchy pancakes in the dark kind of day.
             Slick Nasty and 17 other friends like this.
             Comments:
             "I'm having a soggy Captain Crunch kind of day."
             "Aw, that's too bad. Mine is more of a Jumbaco kind of day."
             "I got some old Spaghetti-O's going on over here."
             "Well, this is the kind of day I'm having, so I win."
             

Of course, you're being creatively silly and your friends know this about you. Not only do they know, they understand and respond in kind. But your new friend may be scratching their head at several things:

1. What are crunchy pancakes? Does that mean they can't cook basic things? Are they talking about me?
2. Why would they eat them in the dark? Maybe they can't pay their electric bill. Maybe they're expecting me to start supporting them financially. I am not a sugar mama/daddy! Are they talking about me?
3. What grown up eats Spaghetti-O's? They don't even taste good. Maybe their friends all have kids. Maybe they have a kid they haven't told me about yet. I'm not ready to be a step-parent. Are they talking about me?
4. Who are these friends they are associating with? Why is one of them named Slick Nasty? Are they talking about me?
5. Who doesn't know that you have to eat Captain Crunch really quickly or else they will get soggy and disgusting. Not to mention greasy. You can't even drink the leftover milk when that happens. Are they talking about me?
6. Are they talking about me?

See where the mind can go when left to its own devices? It's the devil's workshop, y'all.

It also takes away the opportunity of getting to know each other organically. If you looked at my pictures, you could determine that I like to travel and have been to many places. So now there's no need to ask because you already "know". You can learn where I got my degrees, where I work, who I know, that I believe that a glass wine solves everything and where I've lived without even having a conversation (at the bar) with me. By the time our 2nd date rolls around, there's nothing to talk about except maybe some clarification about crunchy pancakes. (Were you talking about me?) 

Does this mean that you can never be online friends with your boo? No, of course not. There are plenty of couples who are Facebook friends and it's fine; I believe that it is a function of how your relationship works. If your relationship is strong, healthy and the lines of communication are open, there shouldn't be any problems that arise, at least not from some comment made on your status update. However, it doesn't seem to enhance your relationship in any way either, especially in comparison to the amount of detriment that can come from being on Facebook or any other social media site.

While it can be interesting (and very tempting) to see your new friend minus the representative, so much context and background information is missing that you're still not getting a full picture. So be patient; part of the fun of dating someone is the getting to know them process. And when they finally tell you the story about crunchy pancakes in the dark, you'll get it.

Room to Grow

You were introduced in utero while your moms were in Lamaze class. You shared fun fruits (way better than fruit wrinkles) during snack time in preschool. You had the same teacher in 4th grade and you swapped sandwiches everyday at lunch time. You came up with your own language to pass notes in class. You called their mom "Mom" and you were always welcome to family events. You told each other secrets. Whatever your story is, you've known each other for a very long time. Over the years, you've seen each other through a lot. They were the first person you told when you lost your virginity. You went to the hospital when their mom was dying. They comforted you through your first heart break. You picked them up when they got a flat on the side of the road. They helped you move into your new apartment. You bought them groceries when they were broke. They are the godparent to your child. It's not even a friendship at this point; y'all are family.

That's totally awesome.

In having a friendship for so long, they've seen you at your best and your worst. They remember (and have pictures) of when you had a jheri curl or that you wanted to go to Hillman College. They remember that girl you dated that smelled like mothballs and fish sticks or that guy who had Slick tattooed on his chest and a talent for abusing the English language. (Thank goodness you have equally embarrassing information and pictures!) Fortunately, you've given each other the space to grow and change into the thriving adults you are today.

No, not so much?

It's so easy to keep our friends in a box based on how they were when you became friends. Were they a little socially awkward in 7th grade? Did they suck their thumb until the 11th grade? Does it seem like they still don't know how to pick the right person to date? Were they notoriously flaky in their early twenties? It's one thing if they are still that way, but if they have changed, have you changed how you view them? Have you changed how you treat them?

It can be very difficult to change your perception of someone, especially if you've known them for so long. Being a good friend is doing just that, accepting who they've become (or are trying to become) and allowing room in your friendship for the changes. Sometimes those changes are so drastic, you may have to take some time apart and come back together again. Hopefully, the bond will be strong enough that you'll be just fine.

However, if you don't give your friend the space to grow, they will make new friends who accept them as they are and not hold them to being the person they were. All of sudden, you look up and a year has passed; you have no idea what's going on in their life (other than the random FB postings) and you're left wondering what happened to your old friend. They outgrew the box you kept them in and created a life without you in it.

We tend to do this subconsciously; after all, we don't like change. How do you know you are stifling your friend? Here are a few signs:
1. We feel compelled to give them unasked for advice - on everything.
2. We play devil's advocate, which is basically questioning their ability to reason and weigh out various options. (Quite insulting, if unasked for.)
3. We bring up old stuff all the time that does not cast them in the best light.
4. We say things like "Well, you know how you are..." in the most condescending tone.
5. We "protect" them.

Sound familiar? If you do/say some of these things sometimes, that's one thing - we are human after all. If you're doing often enough that your friend has talked about how it bothers them, that's something different. They are essentially warning you that the nature of your friendship may soon be a-changing. Heed that warning and look at your behavior. What's the motivation behind it? Can you actually listen to your friend? Part of any relationship is open communication; platonic friendships are no different. If you want to preserve the ones you have, from the oldest to the newest, make sure you're giving each other the space and recognition of growth. That way you'll have someone who will move with you to the retirement community in Boca Raton.

You May Be Right, But Totally Wrong

As people, there are a multitude of things we all do all the time. Besides the obvious autonomic human functions, we eat, we sleep, we talk, we laugh, we brush our teeth...the list goes on and on. Although we do have choices in whether we do these things or not (I'm sure someone has an example of a small Amazonian culture that does not believe in bathing of any kind), most of us do them on autopilot. However, there is one thing on this list that we don't like to admit we do, despite doing it all the time.

I'll give you a hint: we do it everyday. We make big ones, we make small ones. Sometimes it can cause a mess, make a stink.

Hmmm, what could it be?

Okay, I'll tell you.

Judgments.

What did you think I was talking about? Dropping the kids off at the pool? Nah, I know plenty of people who are quite proud of that accomplishment.

Most people would like to believe that they are above judging people. But the truth is, we make judgments about people all the time, every day. We judge what they're wearing, we judge how they act, we judge what they look like. We make judgments about how much money they make or their sexuality. We're constantly judging and more often than not, comparing ourselves. “I would never let myself get that fat,” we think. “I'm always on time, why is s/he always late?”. “That's not how someone should dress if they're trying to look professional, not like a professional.” So on and so forth.

If we're all doing it, why are we so reticent in admitting to it? It's not wrong to make judgments; it's how we learn from others' experiences. The problem lies in what we do with those judgments, namely how we treat others based on how we've interpreted the information. Especially if we're talking about our friends.

How many of us have watched a friend do something totally stupid (in our “humble” opinions)? Or get involved in a situation that had red flags so big you could see them from space? According to my unscientific, self-created statistics, that's basically 99.99999% of the human population. Okay, everyone put your hands down. Now...how many of you saw your friend differently once they were engaged in this stupidity? Okay, a few less people have their hand raised. Lastly, how many of you treated your friends differently? Mmhmm. And what's your friendship like now? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that it has irrevocably changed....but I'll make no judgment about if it was for the better or the worse.

Our job as a  friend is to try to protect our friends from imminent danger, whether it be from a Miami drug cartel (uh, who are you hanging out with?), a crazy Nigerian pyramid scheme or from a broken heart. The operative word is try. We cannot live their lives, nor can we think that we know what's best for them. Although we may feel we can see the whole forest for the trees, we only have the perspective of the outsider. We have no idea what it's like on the inside of the forest; there may be little wood nymphs that make flower wreaths and give amazing foot massages. All we see is a dark, impenetrable and possibly scary-ass forest where we assume lions and tiger and bears live. Although it may seem like we know what's right, we have no idea because we're not in the situation, whatever it may. But I'll bet money that we have been...it's just different because it's our experience, right? #youcandishitbutcanttakeit.

[SIDEBAR] Is it just me, or does it seem like the most judgmental (and quite vocal) people tend to also be the most tight-lipped and sneakative (sneaky + secretive, NW)...ahem, I mean private people? They can talk all day long about what you've got going on, but when it comes to their own skeleton-riddled forest, they are suspiciously quiet.

Anyway...

As being both the judge and the judged, our relationships can be seriously altered when we don't feel like we can trust our friends with all the details. One of the major joys of friendship is feeling unconditionally loved and accepted, regardless of how dirty, stupid, irresponsible and trifling we can be at times. Our friends are not our family – we get to choose them. Even if we disagree with what they are doing, it's also a part of our job to support them anyway (with individually determined boundaries of course) and pick them up when they've fallen down...without the I-told-you-sos preferably. Okay, you can think it, just don't say it out loud.

“The hardest thing to accept is that your friend is an adult and will make decisions that you disagree with. The best thing you can do is love them and be there for them if it doesn't work out, just like you knew it wouldn't.”  The best advice given to me by my mother.

The Planner Vs. The Flow-er

 

VS.

It's Wednesday night and there's relief on the horizon - the weekend! You call text your fairly new baby boo:

You: Hey you, how are you?
Them: I'm good, just relaxing.
You: Yeah, it's been a long day. I just wanted to see if you wanted to do something this weekend.
Them: Oh, I don't know, I have some things in the mix.
You: Oh, okay, what are you going to be doing?
Them: You know, maybe hanging with friends, might catch a movie, get something to eat. Things like that.
You: Well, let's make plans to hang out this weekend, I want to see you.
Them: Yeah, I'll check in with you and see what you're up to.
You: Okay.

In your text, you say okay. In real life, you are highly irritated. Since it's still in the pre-DTR phase, it feels a little uncomfortable to get irate; you can't show your crazy all at once. This can easily lead us down the "If they were interested in me, they would make plans with me" path, which is definitely a possibility not to be ignored. However, there is the possibility of something else - they just might not be someone who likes to plan. You may end up spending the whole weekend with them for all you know.

As someone who has a lot of planner tendencies, this drives me crazy bananas.

One of the most difficult aspects in navigating relationships are our differences. While it definitely makes life more interesting, it can also cause a lot of stress and frustration when the differences are diametrically opposed. Can a teetotaler be with a wine enthusiast? Can a neat-freak live with a hoarder? Sure; if both people are invested, they can make it work. It just takes A LOT of patience and compromise on both ends.

When it comes to the planner and the flow-er, there are other underlying factors that contribute to the differences between the two. For example, a planner tends to be punctual while a flow-er tends to run a bit behind schedule. A planner is often very organized - the spice rack is alphabetized and their underwear is neatly folded and grouped together by color. Meanwhile, a flow-er is still looking for that left shoe that might be in their closet - or is it in the trunk of the car? - in 2009. While this may be seemingly benign, there are many folks out there who don't understand one another for these exact reasons. (Seriously, why would you only have one shoe, possibly in the trunk of your car? Where the f*ck could the other shoe have gone? Aren't they a pair?!)

Luckily, with some love and patience, each one can learn from the other. While a planner's way of life may seem a little easier to follow since it's so well organized, sometimes they* can be rigid and have a difficult time relaxing. They get so caught up in their itinerary and having to be somewhere by a specific time to do a specific thing, they miss the double rainbows in life. With a flow-er, their easy-going approach to time can lead to spontaneous adventures that no one can ever really plan. However, there is also a downside. Sometimes we miss out on opportunities because we didn't act in a timely manner. Or we end up spending more money because of late fees. Or we lose important things in the clutter and disorganization.

So how do the planners and flow-ers navigate their differences? Obviously, they plan to navigate things in a timely and orderly fashion. Just kidding. There is a way to meet in the middle. Maybe the flow-er give the planner a time and a place to meet and the planner lets go of their list of things to do. Maybe the planner lets the flow-er know the importance of an event so they'll be on time, but punctuality won't be important for every event. Regardless of the solution, the most important part is that both people are willing to work towards finding one that works and is respectful of the differences. Over time, that flow-er may keep both shoes in their closet (at the same time even) while the planner may allow their paprika to sit next to the cinnamon on the spice rack.


*I said I have planner tendencies. You should see the trunk of my car (although every shoe that's in there has its match and a reason)!

After the Love is Gone...

Getting over a break-up...everything I need to know has already been discussed at the bar: It’s Nicole’s birthday, so naturally she will be at a real bar conversing and of course, drinking. Dutiful friend that I am, I volunteered to guest post on her blog, so she could enjoy the celebrating the day  on which she was birthed. Lucky friend that I am, I get to talk to Nicole whenever I want, which means that I don’t have to wait until each Friday to get her insightful and helpful life wisdom. Herein lies the rub: if I go to her for normal-healthy person talk, then what the hell am I going to write about on her how to be a normal-healthy person blog? Sweet patient friend that she is, she told me to just write about whatever I was going through. So I did that, and in doing so I realized that conversing at the bar for the past year has taught me much more that I thought. Wrote a blog about it, like ta hear i, hear it go...........

Okay, so it is over. No, for real this time. Their toothbrush went in the wastebasket. You have untagged yourself in Facebook photos and your status has changed. You got a new attitude. You’ve signed up for Zumba and/or have ordered P90X to get back down to your bantam weight. You have changed their name in your phone to “NO,” and you are now ready to converse at the bar.

Yes y’all, that is the sound of one door closing and another one opening...into singledom. Now for those of you who not only advocate, but are capable of the clean break (up), God love you. You probably  Elizabeth Kubler-Ross-ed your way through a healthy grieving process and are currently conversing at the bar where everyone knows your name. Gold Star. For others, ending things can be a bit messier and complicated. In my case, after breaking up, I spent an additional year languishing in the ambiguous purgatory of not being able to let go, commonly known as staying friends. It’s great at first; you get all of the perks of being in a relationship without any of the responsibility. You know it can’t last forever, but there is still goodwill and fondness there and truth be told, it's a helluva lot better than being alone. But then the smallest thing sends you into a PTSD flashback and you slam head first into the realization that your differences are, in fact, irreconcilable. It's at that moment that you realize that it is over like cross-colors and you don’t give a rat’s ass who is going to bathe the dog. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to stage 5. It’s time to move on.

Nature abhors a vacuum and that is precisely what is left at the end of a relationship. You share secrets, laughs, cries, dreams, inside jokes, and sexytimes with someone and then they just aren’t there anymore. Nature don’t like that. So it goes all honey badger on your ass and starts stirring up stuff for you to fill that space with, like lots and lots of feelings. My ex isn’t a bad dude. Once upon a time, he was everything I needed and wanted. And just because someone doesn’t love you the way you need doesn’t mean they don’t love you the best they can. In the end, he just ended up not being the man for me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t righteously miss him sometimes. No point in denying it. Denial didn’t work for me the first eleventy times I tried it, so I might as well go ahead and put on my big girl panties and suit up for a game of dealing with my feelings, which means being honest about them but also means not making more of them than what they are. So I don’t. I just feel my feelings, send him light, love, and well-wishes and keep it pushing...except for those times when I’m re-angry and I want a second chance at saying what I should said that time he did that thing, didn’t do that thing, said that mess, shoulda said what he didn’t...blah blah blah. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve gotten some crazy looks having argument mulligans with him by myself in the car. The lesson there: People need to mind their own G.D. business when I’m trying to work my stuff out in the car. That and we broke up. All that disappointment, all those misunderstandings, all those arguments lead us exactly to where we are supposed to be which is where we are which is NOT TOGETHER.  Point is: ruminating is bad whether it is angry, sad, or wistful. It keeps you trapped in the same emotional space and going in circles like an ever rolling wheel without a destination real. Or an ever spinning top whirling around til you drop. See, we already heard that song. Where the remote at?

So now I’m single, forilla. Now what? Well funny you should ask because I’ve been asking myself the same doggone thing and the answer I keep coming back to is that it is time to mingle! Yes, my friends. I have to get back in the saddle and start dating. This is not something to which I am looking forward. You have to cut a swath through the jungle of young whipper-snappers, old cat-daddies, posers, losers, insufferable asses, and the irrevocably damaged. Then when you finally reach the pool of acceptable candidates, you have to actually date. What’s your favorite food? What do you do for fun? Have you ever been to Vegas? Where’d you go to school? Would you ever have a threesome? Do you like the Olive Garden? I mean seriously, you’ll find yourself 2 feet up a bull's ass with that sh!*%. Plus, you gotta get the stepladder out the closet so you can reach up on the high shelf where you think you put the box that had your game in it. Now you have to smile, flirt, be nice and friendly, chat folks up, laugh at dumb-ass jokes, and explain why he can’t have your number even though he bought you a drink. Good God, just thinking about it is making me want to revisit being friends. If anything, I know I’m in for many a conversation that will begin with, “Gurrrrrrrrrrllllllllll.” The lesson here: To put myself out there without agenda and with the singular intention of just being open to the experience. If I’m not trying to catch anything in particular then I won’t be mad when I have to throw something back. And if I can successfully do that, then hopefully I’ll end up with an experience more valuable than just gentleman’s company; I will have moved on. I will have started a new chapter that is yet unwritten.

Now fast forward like Mr. Wizard did when he and the awkward kid in the glasses and topsiders would set up the experiment and then he would send the kid “away” and they would cut to “much later” when the kid came back but really it was only long enough for them to switch out the old experiment for the one where the baking soda had already done its thing. Ok? So yeah, play like its Mr. Wizard.

I went on a date. Now in all fairness, I didn’t expect that to happen so soon. I fully expected to have to pay my back-on-the market-dues by having to wade through my share of jherri curls, cheesy pick up lines, and gold teeth. But, in the spirit of being open, I gave someone a chance that I otherwise wouldn’t have, and hadn’t the four other times he tried to get to know me in twice as many years. Guess what! I had a great time. And now we’ve gone out 1.5 more times and I’ve learned a few more things:

1) I am not ready for a relationship. Relationships are work and my relationship muscles are fatigued. Commitment is so much more than exclusivity and I don’t have the energy for it. Which brings me to....

2) I actually, honestly, no joke, don’t have an agenda, for the first time, like, ever. I am completely liberated from feeling invested in any specific outcome. Fancy that! Maybe we’ll fizzle, maybe we’ll end up friends, maybe there is something there, who knows.

3) I’d like to get to know this guy...very slowly. I’m curious to know who he is, and so far I’ve enjoyed finding out. And MOST importantly...

4) I still got it :)

See Nicole, when you talk in my good ear, I actually be listening to your healthy-normal-person-therapy talk. Happy Birthday Girl!

The Ex Friend

You look into each other's eyes and sigh because you both know. This is it, this is the one person that was created just for you to love and be loved by. Rainbows and butterflies, unicorns and licorice, all the sweet things in life ain't got nothing on you and your boo. Tra-la-la-la-la, you're skipping down the road of happiness, hand and hand, ready to vanquish any dragons and flying monkeys that may get in the way. You love love, and love to love and have love for everyone and everything around you, particularly your honey, the love of your life, the apple of your eye, the cheese to your pizza.

Until you don't.

Vanquishing can get hella exhausting, especially when the dragons continue to breathe fire in your face and the flying monkeys are hurling banana peels and feces at you from the sky. You can see that clearly (since those pesky eyelashes were singed off your face) the two of you are not meant to be together. However, you still love them and feces withstanding, you still actually like them. You can't imagine your life without them but you know you can't continue on in this vein. It so obvious; you were created to love each other, but just as friends! Duh!

Au contraire mon frere (or sister). Can you really be friends with someone who's seen your O face?
Some say yes, some say no. I say yes, with an asterisk. Yes*. But first, let's define what we mean by friends. Here are the categories:

Level 1 - when you accidentally run into each other, you exchange hugs, ask if that cousin ever finished law school, "tell your mama I said hello" and keep it pushing.

Level 2 - holiday/birthday phone calls, when you accidentally run into each other, you exchange hugs, ask if that cousin ever finished law school, "tell your mama I said hello", talk about getting together sometime for coffee/salad/licorice but neither of you actually make it happen.

Level 3 - regular communication, hanging out together intentionally, making time for them, etc. You know, how you are with your other friends.

Hopefully, the breakup isn't so ugly that level 1 is unachievable. However, with levels 2 and 3, I am asterisking all over that. Here are the conditions under which true friendship can potentially be achieved:

*1. No sex. (See, y'all aren't really friends.)
*2. If either of you are in a relationship, the new boo knows that y'all have seen each other naked and is okay with your friendship.
*3. There has been enough time between the breakup and the burgeoning friendship.
*4. Your expectations of this friendship are no different from your other platonic ones.
*5. Your interactions within this friendship are no different from your other platonic ones.
*6. The friendship does not hold you back from dating others.
*7. You aren't rehashing or punishing each other for what went wrong in your relationship.
*8. One of you isn't still in love with the other.
*9. Mercury is in retrograde.

Often, we move into the "friend" space too quickly after a breakup. Being friends feels much better than not having the other person in your life at all. However, if we are really honest with ourselves, it's how we rationalize holding on to someone when we don't want to let them go, even if we want to let go of the relationship. The hardest part is giving ourselves enough of a break; 2 weeks is not long enough. I don't have a specific time range, as it is dependent on how long the relationship lasted and how much fire and feces was dealt with. For some, it could be years before you can actually be friends, while for others, 3-6 months is all they need. You may also find that if you wait long enough, the desire to be friends may pass.

There's can also be a level of intimacy in your friendship with an ex that you don't have with your platonic friends. While it can be satisfying to have someone in your life who knows you so well, it can prevent you from moving on to someone else, as your intimacy needs may be getting met in this friendship. That is why it is not advisable to carry on a sexual relationship with an ex friend because it's the sex that helps differentiate a romantic relationship from a platonic relationship.

So can you be friends with your ex? Maybe...but make sure mercury is in retrograde.

Chemistry: Not Just a Class to Ditch in High School

I'll be honest, I really do not enjoy dating. The initial interview, the getting-to-know someone process, sending in your representative (and meeting theirs)...it can be pretty exhausting. As we get older, it gets even harder because we're dragging around not only our baggage, but also our expectations. Are they smart enough, tall enough, ambitious enough? Do they make me laugh? Do they have a prison record? Do I want to have sex with them? There's so much that goes into it, even when we're just grabbing a cocktail or a cup of coffee. However, there is one thing that makes all of this less painful.

Chemistry.

When you meet that person, there's an energy between the two of you. Lots of talking and smiling, touching and laughing. All those thoughts go out the window (for the moment) because things are snap, crackling and popping between you. When you kiss for the first time, damn, it's like a lightning bolt. It's obvious that the two of you were meant to be...naked together. And if/when that does happen, lawd today, there's no stopping you from wanting everyone to feel this way, because you're totally in lust  love.

Or are you?

It's hard to say. Chemistry is definitely a crucial aspect to starting a relationship. When we're trying to build a relationship with someone, it's important to want to be around them, to be curious about them, to be attracted to them. That stage often lasts for a few months, which is enough time to become emotionally invested and committed to making the relationship work. It's also about the time the representatives leave the building and you're left with the good, the bad and the ugly of your not-so-new boo.

While chemistry is surely necessary, it is only part of the foundation for a strong relationship. Sometimes you can have mad chemistry with someone, but that's all there is. The banter, the fun, the phenomenal sex...that's all great, but is there any substance behind it? When you're having a difficult time at work or someone close to you dies, will that person be able to support you and give you what you need? Hopefully yes, but if the foundation of your relationship is build on chemistry alone, it will soon come to light that it is not enough.


Some may argue that chemistry is not needed, that you can fall in love with someone who didn't have that kind of effect on you. Sure, that does happen. However, from what I've seen/experienced/heard, those couples that don't have chemistry have it a little harder when times get rough. If you can't get in touch the reason you fell in love with this mofo, making up after a fight can be quite difficult. Or when the boredom of life's routines sets in, the impetus to make it exciting and put forth effort in sustaining the love can feel like another chore.

So should you date someone with whom you have no chemistry? It can depend on where you are in life and what your goal is. Some people make a choice to make it work because the person has a lot of qualities they are looking for, regardless of the chemistry or lack thereof. Others keep falling in love all over the place because of the chemistry but cannot sustain a relationship. So who knows? Each person has their rationale. Personally, chemistry is important. But that's just me and maybe I'll be singing a different tune in a few years. Ultimately, it's up to you (and the universe). Good luck!

Sex

The word alone evokes images, fantasies, memories and emotions. What is it about sex that makes people lose their minds and do the most idiotic things? Is it the orgasm? (It certainly doesn't hurt.) The connection? The intimacy? The validation? All of the above?

Whatever it is, it seems that people are all over the place when it comes to sex, even in defining it. Birds do it, bees do it, but no one does it like humans. There are various positions, various accoutrements, sometimes various people involved at the same time. Regardless of sexual orientation and predilections, there seems to be one universal theme - someone's always trying to get it! (Hopefully, legally.)

Of course, there are plenty of instances where both (all?) parties involved are down to do the do. However, there's usually some kind of chase involved (especially in Heterosexlandia), particularly if folks are trying to date. If people are trying to have a no-strings attached, booty-call situation or a one night stand, the rules are different. But if one is trying to get to know someone and wants to have the option of a relationship, it often takes some time to get the goodies.

If most of us want sex, why can it be so dang difficult to get? For straight men, they have to convince a woman to have sex with them. (From what I understand, for most gay men, it's not difficult at all. In my next life, I hope to be a gay man.) If you're good-looking and have a little bit of swagger, it's not that difficult. Not to say it's easy all the time, but it's much easier than if you're not attractive and/or have no confidence. However, the challenging aspect is finding a woman who is down.

In general, women tend not to give it up so easy. (I said in general, so please don't tell me about your cousin/sister/friend/neighbor who has sex with everybody.) There's a complex equation that goes on in our heads that determine whether or not someone will see us naked. (It's a totally different equation in lesbian relationships, from what I've been told at the bar.) If you take the square root of the temperature, multiply it by the number of times she was given a compliment over the course of the day, divided by how many new shoes purchased in the past month and add the weight on her driver's license, you should be able to figure out if she's going to put out.

Yeah, it's that complicated.

Actually, there are so many things that go into determining whether we sleep with someone or not. Here is the sequence of thoughts we have and questions we ask ourselves before we get down:

1. How badly do I want to have sex?
2. Do I want to have sex with this cat?
3. If I have sex with him tonight, will I see him again?
4. Do I even want to see him again?
5. Booty call or relationship?
6. I wonder what he's working with.
7. I can't make any decisions until we kiss.
8. Do I want to kiss him?
9. Is it too soon?
10. Is he expecting a BJ?
11. Has he earned it?
12. Am I going to become emotionally attached?
13. Did I shave my legs?


It is also determined by where we are in our lives, how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about our sexuality and what we want from our potential sex partner. Oh, and hormones! Considering that most men operate from a physical space when it comes to sex and women operate from a mix of physical, mental and emotional space, it's a wonder that men and women can be in sexual relationships with one another!

One of the most common issues that comes up in dating and relationships is negotiating sex. I think most men know that women tend to move in a more mental and emotional space, but often choose to ignore it. It may be because they don't understand it or it may be because they don't give a damn. Regardless, that kind of attitude/impatience will prevent you from getting what you want. While we can talk about female sexual empowerment, at the end of the day, we're still operating under a double standard; if we are too enthusiastic about having sex, we're deemed sluts. A lot of men say,"I want a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed." Ever notice that there's no comparable saying for men? That's because their sexuality is part of their masculinity, whereas for us, being a lady does not include being sexual.

Done with my rant.

Anyway, we do like sex. A lot. And we talk about it. A lot. And we want to do it. A lot. But there's also a lot that goes into deciding who we want to have sex with, especially if we are dealing with men. So please, gentlemen, have some patience (not persistence) and you may get what you want sooner than you thought. Also, learn how to kiss. It counts a lot more than you think.

Can We Share?

Let me tell you a story:

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, intelligent woman (we'll call her Intern) who was embarking on a very (hopefully) rewarding career path. She was able to network and connect with some strategic allies, securing an internship that could only open many doors for her when she was ready. Her mentor (and internship supervisor) assured her many times that she had a lot of talent; she just about promised Intern a job upon completion of her studies. She also introduced Intern to some key people who could also potentially offer her a job. However, when Intern connected with one of those key people (someone that outranked her supervisor and happened to be male) who was happy to help her along, her supervisor stopped being her mentor and essentially reneged on those potential job offers.

#nof*ckingway!

Theory 1: Intern suddenly developed some kind of body odor that was repulsive and disgusting and the supervisor could not even begin to imagine working with her on a permanent basis.

Theory 2: The supervisor hit her head and it wiped out any memories related to Intern and future employment.

Theory 3: A butterfly flapped its wings in Brazil, not only causing Mars to go into retrograde, but to also cause the supervisor to strongly believe that Intern may at any moment start barking like a dog while hopping up and down on one foot; she wanted to avoid all of that.

Theory 4: Pure, unadulterated hateration in the dancery.

Although I'm not in this woman's head, but I'm going to guess that theory 4 is the most accurate. While Intern may thoroughly enjoy barking like a dog while hopping up and down on one foot, she knows not to do it at work. I surmise that the supervisor felt several things (none of which were rational or based in evidence) including threatened, insecure and territorial. What makes this story most troublesome is that instead of supporting and uplifting another woman into their profession, the supervisor, who is a well-established, highly regarded veteran, chose instead to create obstacles for Intern due to these (assumed) feelings. Of course, when dealing with emotions, they can definitely be irrational. That does not mean they should be acted upon. This scenario highlights the belief that there just isn't enough to go around and every person for themselves.

Let's look at the possible feelings behind the supervisor's behavior:

1. She felt threatened. Here is this younger woman who has it together. She knows what she's talking about and has a lot of ambition. Although the supervisor has years of experience on her, she might have felt like Intern was going to replace her. It's true that Intern could replace her...many years from now when the she retires.

2. She felt insecure. Maybe Intern reminded her of when she was coming up in the profession and there were so few women at the time. Or Intern is very attractive and makes the supervisor feel less noticeable/special.

3. She felt territorial. Clearly, the Intern was stepping out of her lane by establishing a relationship that the supervisor facilitated...wait, what? Possibly, the supervisor felt like if Intern could do that, she certainly didn't need her help. How is Intern going to come up in here and start making inroads with someone who outranked her? Blasphemous!

4. She felt jealous. Maybe when she was establishing herself, she didn't have access to the kind of resources that Intern has. She had to work really hard, without any kind of help, particularly from men, because they didn't want women in the profession. If she didn't get help, why should Intern get help...at least from her?!


I could be totally wrong and over-generalizing, but this seems to happen a lot more between women in lots of situations, not just in the workplace (hello, cock-blocking). Although men have their pissing contests as well, they don't seem to be as nefarious and hateristic as they are between women. It seems as if we can't share with one another, whether it be resources or the limelight.

But why are women like this? According to this article at psychcentral.com:

Because women learn that they are not supposed to be competitive and win at others’ expense, their natural competitive spirit cannot be shared openly, happily, or even jokingly with other women. In such situations, when aggression cannot be channeled into a healthy, positive edge, it becomes inhibited and goes underground. What could have been healthy competition becomes a secret feeling of envy and desire for the other to fail – laced with guilt and shame. 

Thus, what looks like hostile competition between women may instead mask feelings of insecurity, fear of success, and healthy aggression. Women, often experts at being tuned in and sensitive to others’ feelings, may easily overidentify with other women’s insecurities, projecting how they would feel in the other’s shoes and then feeling bad about their own success. Women learn to feel guilty for feeling happy and successful – and with their female friends who may not be having such luck, they may experience their own success as hurtful to their friend. This can make it uncomfortable for a woman to share and enjoy her accomplishments with her female friends. 

The lesson behind this: be friends with mostly men.

Just kidding. Fortunately, I am surrounded by a fabulous group of women who support each others' successes and inspire one another to keep striving. So when I am confronted by this issue, it's always a little bit shocking. While I'm definitely competitive, I'm also pretty open about it (ask any of my friends) and most importantly, I am confident that there is a enough to go around. Whether it be love, attractiveness, career success, or shoes, I'm not standing in anyone's way in getting those. If anything, I would love to help you; I am a firm believer of what goes around, comes around. Luckily, it hasn't happened to me much; when/if it does, I'm not going to worry about it - there's enough for all of us.

The S Word

According to the 298 posts I've read over the past year (like this one or this one or this one), there's a national epidemic going on, especially for black women. Apparently, many women are suffering from...being single. It's reaching a crisis level, where many bright, successful and attractive women may never get married. If you're married or in a committed relationship, you may want to reconsider some of your friendships. Although it hasn't been found to be contagious, it's better to be safe than sorry. Obviously, nothing is worse than being single, especially as a woman. (Actually, you may want to stop reading this right now, because it is written by a single woman.)

#whatthef*ckever

It's not to say that being in a relationship doesn't have its appeal, hence the collection of dating horror stories that inspired the last few posts. However, many of these articles make it seem like being single is one of the most awfullest, painful experiences that one should avoid at all costs, particularly if you have a vagina. I have yet to read any articles about how men have such a hard time dating and finding a mate. As someone who quite enjoys being single, it's borderline offensive that so much time and effort is spent on figuring out how to cure singledom (singlehood? singleness?).

Being single in itself is not problematic; the problem lies in how we interpret what it means about us. Unfortunately, this tends to inflict more suffering on women than men. Historically, women who were not married past a certain age were considered spinsters (I wonder how many of them were actually just lesbians?) and despite the changes in society, I believe some of that stigma still stands. Although we can say that men over 35 who haven't been married or aren't in a long-term relationship are weirdos, if they decided to get married, their proposal is highly likely to be accepted (unless they truly are weirdos).

So why is it that these bright, successful and attractive women might not get married? Well, if they are lesbians, it might be because it's still not legal in their state (which is ridiculous!). But if they're heterosexual...who cares? There are lots of reasons why women don't get married. While it's easy to blame it on the perceived lack of men (very, very easy), it may also be because ultimately, they don't want to! Being in a relationship takes a lot of energy, time, emotion and compromise; if you're with the right person, it's totally worth it. However, sometimes it seems like in order to avoid being single, many women find themselves compromising on a lot...a lot of bullsh*t (regardless of sexual orientation, by the way). We tell ourselves stories about our partners in order to rationalize staying with them. Do any of these sound familiar?

1. Once s/he breaks up with their significant other, we can be together.
2. It's obvious they love me; look at how often they text me.
3. It's because his mother was too strong/her dad left when she was young that they are emotionally unavailable.
4. I know I can change them with the strength of my love.
5. When they get a little more Jesus/Allah/Jehovah in their life, they'll be ready.
6. It's not their fault that their ex-boo keeps contacting them.
7. If I was a better cook/lover/dog walker, they'd know I was the right one for them.
8. I just have to be patient, they have so much potential.

Don't feel bad, I've made some of these same rationalizations.


Again, compromise on both sides is necessary for a relationship to function well. However, there has to be some non-negotiables. It's different for everyone and it's important to figure out what yours are, especially if you decide to date. The more experience you have, the more you know about your tolerance level and what you're willing to put up with. And keep in mind, they are putting up with some of your bullsh*t too! Unless you're like me and Mary Poppins - practically perfect in every way. (Just kidding, Mary Poppins is a fictional character.)

The best thing one can do, regardless of gender, age and sexual preference, is embrace being single. There are pros and cons to both being in a relationship and being single. If you focus all your time and emotional energy trying to figure out where your soul mate is hanging out, there is a lot of life you are missing out on. And ladies, this does not seem to afflict men nearly as much as it afflicts us. Stop worrying! Create the kind of life you want so that if your boo comes along, they'll fit right in. And if they don't, your life is pretty awesome just as it is.

Are You on This List?

Many women I know, myself included, complain about the lack of dateable men. All of us believe that we're great catches and some of us truly are. However, I also know there are plenty of women who may not be and are ruining it for the rest of us, dammaging men left and right who can't seem to recover...just from one date! So ladies, are you this chick?

1. The Opportunist - when you met him, you knew that he was not the one for you. Maybe his pants were sagging too much or he had difficulty stringing words together to form a sentence or his behavior and tone of voice reminded you of Urkel. Whatever the reason, you knew that nothing good would come from you giving him your number. However, when he asked you out (via text), you said yes anyway. A girl has to eat right?

2. Ms. Picky - "I know it says flour crust, but I'd like it with a cornmeal crust. Make sure it's baked in the oven with only other vegetarian pizzas. Also, is the mozzarella made with whole milk or skim milk? And were the cows that produced the milk grass-fed? I'd like the mushrooms to be finely chopped and sprinkled liberally on the pizza, but make sure they're not touching the other vegetables." If you have food allergies (especially if you have to carry an epi-pen with you), that's one thing. But if you're this picky about your pizza, one can only imagine how you are about other things.

3. The Hungry Chick - I'm not talking about burgers and french fries, I'm talking about the woman who wants to be married with children so badly, any man will do. "What do you think about marriage? Do you want to get married? What do you think about an early fall wedding? Wouldn't that be beautiful? I want 2 boys and 1 girl, Jeremiah, Justin and Julia - I have a thing for J names." TMI for a first date! There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married and have children, but the desperation is so palpable, the folks sitting next to you can feel it!

4. The Bitter Bi*ch - your date doesn't even know what your teeth look like because you haven't smiled once! The body language and tone of voice convey an utter disregard and disdain for the man (or any man) that's taking you out. We've all been burned by love, but if you haven't recovered from your last relationship/experience (that ended 3 years ago), it might be time to get some therapy and figure out what's really going on.

5. The "I Don't Need A Man" Chick - with the divorce rate so high, it's very important for women to be independent and self-sufficient. However, you wouldn't be on a date if there wasn't some need you were trying to fulfill. Whether it be a life partner kind of need or clear the cobwebs kind of need, it does no good to let your date know that he is inconsequential.

6. The Inappropriately Dressed Chick - if your date is taking you to Chez Panisse, by all means, put on a dress and your peep toe heels. But if he's taking you rock-climbing, are you sure that's what you want to wear? This isn't just about where you're going, this is also about the style and fit of your clothes. I know it can be hard to accept that you don't fit a size 8 anymore, but if you have to lay down, stop breathing and use plyers to zip it, let it go! Especially if it's your Girbauds from 1993. Please also keep in mind there is a fine line between slutty and sexy.

7. The Emasculator - these days, gender roles continue to get blurry, particularly as more and more women become the breadwinners and achieve success in their careers. Unless he's looking for a sugar mama, most men want to feel like and be appreciated as men. We complain about chivalry being dead, but barely give men a chance to be chivalrous. So let them be men! It's okay to let them open the door for us.

8. The Wackadoo - we're all a little bit crazy in our own way, but this is different. It's hard to define, but we all know it when we see it...unless we are the crazy chick. If you feel it's okay to slash tires and throw bricks through windshields or if you sleep with your beanie baby collection, you might fall under this category.

9. The Oversharer - as women, we build our emotional connections by talking about everything. Feelings, thoughts, mistakes, boo boo, work, love, sex, pedicures, everything. That's why we have girlfriends. There is a such thing as TMI with a man, especially if it's about other men. They don't want to know. Talking about your experiences with other men is definitely on the TMI list. Most men do not want to know because they are the one and only, right?

This list is by no means comprehensive as I'm sure there are men out there who have some horror interesting stories. At the end of the day, be yourself. It's just a date (not with destiny). You're both two people hoping to find someone that will accept you (and your collection of Jem dolls) and enjoy whatever it is you have to offer. If it works out, that's great. If it doesn't, it's another learning experience or funny story to tell around the lunch table. But if any of these descriptions sound a little too familiar, it might be hard out there for you, sister!