After the Love is Gone...

Getting over a break-up...everything I need to know has already been discussed at the bar: It’s Nicole’s birthday, so naturally she will be at a real bar conversing and of course, drinking. Dutiful friend that I am, I volunteered to guest post on her blog, so she could enjoy the celebrating the day  on which she was birthed. Lucky friend that I am, I get to talk to Nicole whenever I want, which means that I don’t have to wait until each Friday to get her insightful and helpful life wisdom. Herein lies the rub: if I go to her for normal-healthy person talk, then what the hell am I going to write about on her how to be a normal-healthy person blog? Sweet patient friend that she is, she told me to just write about whatever I was going through. So I did that, and in doing so I realized that conversing at the bar for the past year has taught me much more that I thought. Wrote a blog about it, like ta hear i, hear it go...........

Okay, so it is over. No, for real this time. Their toothbrush went in the wastebasket. You have untagged yourself in Facebook photos and your status has changed. You got a new attitude. You’ve signed up for Zumba and/or have ordered P90X to get back down to your bantam weight. You have changed their name in your phone to “NO,” and you are now ready to converse at the bar.

Yes y’all, that is the sound of one door closing and another one opening...into singledom. Now for those of you who not only advocate, but are capable of the clean break (up), God love you. You probably  Elizabeth Kubler-Ross-ed your way through a healthy grieving process and are currently conversing at the bar where everyone knows your name. Gold Star. For others, ending things can be a bit messier and complicated. In my case, after breaking up, I spent an additional year languishing in the ambiguous purgatory of not being able to let go, commonly known as staying friends. It’s great at first; you get all of the perks of being in a relationship without any of the responsibility. You know it can’t last forever, but there is still goodwill and fondness there and truth be told, it's a helluva lot better than being alone. But then the smallest thing sends you into a PTSD flashback and you slam head first into the realization that your differences are, in fact, irreconcilable. It's at that moment that you realize that it is over like cross-colors and you don’t give a rat’s ass who is going to bathe the dog. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to stage 5. It’s time to move on.

Nature abhors a vacuum and that is precisely what is left at the end of a relationship. You share secrets, laughs, cries, dreams, inside jokes, and sexytimes with someone and then they just aren’t there anymore. Nature don’t like that. So it goes all honey badger on your ass and starts stirring up stuff for you to fill that space with, like lots and lots of feelings. My ex isn’t a bad dude. Once upon a time, he was everything I needed and wanted. And just because someone doesn’t love you the way you need doesn’t mean they don’t love you the best they can. In the end, he just ended up not being the man for me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t righteously miss him sometimes. No point in denying it. Denial didn’t work for me the first eleventy times I tried it, so I might as well go ahead and put on my big girl panties and suit up for a game of dealing with my feelings, which means being honest about them but also means not making more of them than what they are. So I don’t. I just feel my feelings, send him light, love, and well-wishes and keep it pushing...except for those times when I’m re-angry and I want a second chance at saying what I should said that time he did that thing, didn’t do that thing, said that mess, shoulda said what he didn’t...blah blah blah. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve gotten some crazy looks having argument mulligans with him by myself in the car. The lesson there: People need to mind their own G.D. business when I’m trying to work my stuff out in the car. That and we broke up. All that disappointment, all those misunderstandings, all those arguments lead us exactly to where we are supposed to be which is where we are which is NOT TOGETHER.  Point is: ruminating is bad whether it is angry, sad, or wistful. It keeps you trapped in the same emotional space and going in circles like an ever rolling wheel without a destination real. Or an ever spinning top whirling around til you drop. See, we already heard that song. Where the remote at?

So now I’m single, forilla. Now what? Well funny you should ask because I’ve been asking myself the same doggone thing and the answer I keep coming back to is that it is time to mingle! Yes, my friends. I have to get back in the saddle and start dating. This is not something to which I am looking forward. You have to cut a swath through the jungle of young whipper-snappers, old cat-daddies, posers, losers, insufferable asses, and the irrevocably damaged. Then when you finally reach the pool of acceptable candidates, you have to actually date. What’s your favorite food? What do you do for fun? Have you ever been to Vegas? Where’d you go to school? Would you ever have a threesome? Do you like the Olive Garden? I mean seriously, you’ll find yourself 2 feet up a bull's ass with that sh!*%. Plus, you gotta get the stepladder out the closet so you can reach up on the high shelf where you think you put the box that had your game in it. Now you have to smile, flirt, be nice and friendly, chat folks up, laugh at dumb-ass jokes, and explain why he can’t have your number even though he bought you a drink. Good God, just thinking about it is making me want to revisit being friends. If anything, I know I’m in for many a conversation that will begin with, “Gurrrrrrrrrrllllllllll.” The lesson here: To put myself out there without agenda and with the singular intention of just being open to the experience. If I’m not trying to catch anything in particular then I won’t be mad when I have to throw something back. And if I can successfully do that, then hopefully I’ll end up with an experience more valuable than just gentleman’s company; I will have moved on. I will have started a new chapter that is yet unwritten.

Now fast forward like Mr. Wizard did when he and the awkward kid in the glasses and topsiders would set up the experiment and then he would send the kid “away” and they would cut to “much later” when the kid came back but really it was only long enough for them to switch out the old experiment for the one where the baking soda had already done its thing. Ok? So yeah, play like its Mr. Wizard.

I went on a date. Now in all fairness, I didn’t expect that to happen so soon. I fully expected to have to pay my back-on-the market-dues by having to wade through my share of jherri curls, cheesy pick up lines, and gold teeth. But, in the spirit of being open, I gave someone a chance that I otherwise wouldn’t have, and hadn’t the four other times he tried to get to know me in twice as many years. Guess what! I had a great time. And now we’ve gone out 1.5 more times and I’ve learned a few more things:

1) I am not ready for a relationship. Relationships are work and my relationship muscles are fatigued. Commitment is so much more than exclusivity and I don’t have the energy for it. Which brings me to....

2) I actually, honestly, no joke, don’t have an agenda, for the first time, like, ever. I am completely liberated from feeling invested in any specific outcome. Fancy that! Maybe we’ll fizzle, maybe we’ll end up friends, maybe there is something there, who knows.

3) I’d like to get to know this guy...very slowly. I’m curious to know who he is, and so far I’ve enjoyed finding out. And MOST importantly...

4) I still got it :)

See Nicole, when you talk in my good ear, I actually be listening to your healthy-normal-person-therapy talk. Happy Birthday Girl!

Chemistry: Not Just a Class to Ditch in High School

I'll be honest, I really do not enjoy dating. The initial interview, the getting-to-know someone process, sending in your representative (and meeting theirs)...it can be pretty exhausting. As we get older, it gets even harder because we're dragging around not only our baggage, but also our expectations. Are they smart enough, tall enough, ambitious enough? Do they make me laugh? Do they have a prison record? Do I want to have sex with them? There's so much that goes into it, even when we're just grabbing a cocktail or a cup of coffee. However, there is one thing that makes all of this less painful.

Chemistry.

When you meet that person, there's an energy between the two of you. Lots of talking and smiling, touching and laughing. All those thoughts go out the window (for the moment) because things are snap, crackling and popping between you. When you kiss for the first time, damn, it's like a lightning bolt. It's obvious that the two of you were meant to be...naked together. And if/when that does happen, lawd today, there's no stopping you from wanting everyone to feel this way, because you're totally in lust  love.

Or are you?

It's hard to say. Chemistry is definitely a crucial aspect to starting a relationship. When we're trying to build a relationship with someone, it's important to want to be around them, to be curious about them, to be attracted to them. That stage often lasts for a few months, which is enough time to become emotionally invested and committed to making the relationship work. It's also about the time the representatives leave the building and you're left with the good, the bad and the ugly of your not-so-new boo.

While chemistry is surely necessary, it is only part of the foundation for a strong relationship. Sometimes you can have mad chemistry with someone, but that's all there is. The banter, the fun, the phenomenal sex...that's all great, but is there any substance behind it? When you're having a difficult time at work or someone close to you dies, will that person be able to support you and give you what you need? Hopefully yes, but if the foundation of your relationship is build on chemistry alone, it will soon come to light that it is not enough.


Some may argue that chemistry is not needed, that you can fall in love with someone who didn't have that kind of effect on you. Sure, that does happen. However, from what I've seen/experienced/heard, those couples that don't have chemistry have it a little harder when times get rough. If you can't get in touch the reason you fell in love with this mofo, making up after a fight can be quite difficult. Or when the boredom of life's routines sets in, the impetus to make it exciting and put forth effort in sustaining the love can feel like another chore.

So should you date someone with whom you have no chemistry? It can depend on where you are in life and what your goal is. Some people make a choice to make it work because the person has a lot of qualities they are looking for, regardless of the chemistry or lack thereof. Others keep falling in love all over the place because of the chemistry but cannot sustain a relationship. So who knows? Each person has their rationale. Personally, chemistry is important. But that's just me and maybe I'll be singing a different tune in a few years. Ultimately, it's up to you (and the universe). Good luck!

Love as a Verb

I don't know if it's because of spring, but I've been thinking about love a lot lately. It's such a powerful, irrational, crazy, awesome, terrible, magnificent emotion. It can render you senseless; you become silly and happy and sad and giddy and depressed all at the same time due to the same emotion. I've had my fair share of experiences when it comes to love and it's been beautifully horrible and horribly beautiful. Regardless of the people I've been in love with, one thing I have definitively walked away with is the knowledge that love does not conquer all.

I'm sorry, did I just burst your bubble? My bad.

Despite the statement above, I'm actually not (too) jaded. I believe love is the foundation upon which a relationship is built, but it is not enough to overcome the obstacles that we often face in our relationships. The people involved have to be committed to not only doing the work but also doing the love. Often, we get caught up in the emotion and forget that love is also a verb. While you may feel love for someone, are you doing love to them? (Doing love is not just about sex, by the way.)

We all have a different understanding of what love means, how it feels and what it looks like. Regardless, loving someone means loving them in the way they understand it, not only in the way we do it. It also means compromising...a lot. Even if we don't understand why they need whatever, we do it anyway because it means something to them. Yet, it seems like this is a fundamental problem within many relationships. Is it because we're selfish? Stupid? Lazy? Confused?

Yep. All of the above.

Our idea of normal is shaped by what we've experienced throughout our lives. If you grew up in a family that was affectionate, you're more likely to be affectionate. If you grew up in a family where emotional expression was not encouraged, you're less likely to be emotionally expressive. It can be difficult to comprehend someone else's normal when it is counter to our own. However, when we do love to someone, we work our hardest to get over our confused, selfish, lazy stupidity and do it to them in the way they understand. Hopefully, it will be reciprocated. Sometimes though, it can't. What we understand as “normal” love may be so counterintuitive to our partner, that they just can't do it. Their history, their baggage, may be the biggest obstacle to them doing love, even though they feel the emotion. There's also the possibility that their way of understanding love may be unhealthy; ever dated someone who thought that fighting and screaming at one another equals love?

Although I'm mostly talking about romantic love, it also applies to familial love. Our family members have their own baggage that prevents them being loving, despite the desire they may have. If we aren't emotionally expressive, it's most like due to the fact that it wasn't role modeled by our parents. It can be extremely difficult to change those relationships and sometimes we have to accept them as they are. Your mom is always going to be your mom; we can't control how they are going to be but we can control how we react to them. Once we stop looking for something they can't give, it's much easier to be in a relationship with them. Or we can decide that we no longer want to have a relationship with them, particularly if relationship is toxic. Your mom may always be your mom, but she doesn't have to be a part of your life once you become an adult.

Even though I no longer believe that love can conquer all, I do believe in its power and necessity for humanity to survive. Love is a helluva drug. Be careful who you give it to and who you get it from; you never know how it will affect you.

Have you ever loved someone but couldn't be with them? Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Have you ever done something crazy because of love? How is doing love and feeling love different for you?

Are you the jerk in the relationship?

Earlier this week, I wrote about the 9 best ways to sabotage a relationship. “Nicole,” you may be thinking, “How can I make sure that I'm not the jerk in my relationship(s)?” Most of these suggestions are applicable to all relationships, whether it be with a co-worker, friend, parent or partner. There is one that applies primarily to romantic relationships but just in case it's not obvious, I'll put an asterisk* next to it...some of us may have different kinds of friends!

The 6 Cs of keeping your relationship(s) healthy and happy:

1.  Communication – this is HUGE in maintaining all relationships. Many of us believe that it's up to our loved ones to read our minds and be able to decipher our words – both the stated and unstated. While it's wonderful to feel like someone truly understands us and can figure out what we want without saying it, it's almost impossible to find someone who can do that all the time about everything. If something bothers us, it's important to speak up and let the other person know. It's also important to keep in mind how we communicate. If we communicate in a way that is accusatory, self-righteous or judgmental, often the message gets lost in the delivery. There's a huge difference between “It bothers me when you drink the last of the wine and don't replace it,” and “You're such a selfish bastard! You always drink all the wine and never buy any to replace it.” 

2.  Conscientious listening – actually, listening (yeah, I took some creative license with this one) is a part of communicating, but we often forget to do it, so it gets its own space. When we truly listen to each other, there is a lot of information we can gather, whether it's being communicated to us directly or indirectly. For example, I once dated someone who stated that their ex never dressed femininely. Although they were not telling me specifically to look more girlie, I got the message...and I wore a lot of dresses.

3.  Compromise – I know it's hard to believe, but it's not all about us. Being in a relationship involves another person and we sometimes have to do things we don't want or like for the good of the relationship. For example, your boss may like for your expense report to be done by first the Monday of the month, even though it doesn't need to go to accounting until the 10^th. Your natural tendency is to procrastinate, but because you want to continue to have a positive relationship with your boss, you make sure to get it in the first Monday – even if it means working on it at home on the Sunday night before. A little bit of compromise goes a long way and it feels good to bring the people in our lives a little bit of happiness; it's often the little things that mean the most. 

4.  Consideration – when we feel hurt or angry, it's very easy to believe that our loved one has engaged in the offending behavior intentionally. Unless the behavior is blatantly egregious (ie. sleeping with your partner, stealing money, spreading lies about you, etc.), the majority of the time, our loved one may not be aware that their behavior was so offensive to us. If this is someone we love, shouldn't we give them the benefit of the doubt? If it's something we've communicated many times and they continue to do it, then maybe our anger and hurt is well deserved. However, if this is a first-time offense, let's cut them some slack. What if the shoe was on the other foot? I'd want to be given the benefit of the doubt.

5.  Compliments – it's so easy to take for granted that the people in our lives know how awesome we think they are.  Why not remind them every now and again? A random "You're so beautiful/smart/handsome/sexy," can make someone's day (depending on the relationship of course - don't tell your boss you think they're sexy!). Or you can focus on something more unique such as "You have great forearms" or "You do such a great Gary Coleman impression." We all respond positively to praise and it feels just as good to give a compliment as it does to receive one. It's also a terrific way to motivate people to continue to do the things you like. 

6.  *Copulation – sex, nookie, getting some, love-making, doing it, whatever you want to call it. Some of you might hate me for saying this, but for most people, sex is incredibly important in a romantic relationship, whether you're gay, straight, left, right, round or square. We all have an idea of what is an acceptable amount of sex and there might be a bit of compromise between us and our partner(s). However, sex or lack thereof, can be a good indicator that something may not be quite right in our relationship. Yes, there is an ebb and flow to the amount depending on varying circumstances but if it seems like there's more ebb than usual, it may be time to check in with our partner. They just might not be turned on by us clipping our toenails in the bed. Who knew?!

I hope these suggestions are helpful, especially if you're trying to prevent your relationship(s) from expiring. But if you're really working toward getting de-friended on Facebook, avoid these suggestions at all costs and I'm sure your endeavor will be successful. :)