Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and Friends with Benefits

What do Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and Friends with Benefits (FWB) have in common? Although there is evidence to the contrary, there are plenty of people out there who believe they are real and devote time and energy in chasing them down. Ever elusive, these three have inspired numerous books, articles and movies.

What is a friends with benefits relationship? As I understand it, it's a sexual relationship between two friends. They usually have a pre-existing friendship, but there is an element of sexual attraction that both parties choose to act on, deciding to forgo the intricacies and expectations of a romantic relationship. Ideally, the two folks can enjoy each other's company, clothed and unclothed, without wreaking any emotional havoc on each other's lives.

Sounds kind of cool...and if we lived an ideal world, this probably would actually work out.

So if the two friends are down and want the same thing, why doesn't it work? Because we, as human beings, are LIARS. We definitely lie to each other, but what's even more noteworthy, is that we lie to ourselves. In order for this kind of relationship to work, we tell each other that we won't allow our emotions to get involved and the moment they do, it's over. We don't want any of that boyfriend-girlfriend, girlfriend-girlfriend, boyfriend-boyfriend stuff going on. Some simple, guiltless, emotion-free nookie is all we're asking for. Is that too much?

Yep.

Although men have a reputation for being emotionless sluts that can stick their being able to compartmentalize sex and emotions, many find that having an emotional connection with their sexual partner enhances their enjoyment. There's also this lovely little hormone called oxytocin that gets released when we orgasm (both men and women) that makes us feel closer to our partner. While not everyone experiences a sense of intimacy with their sexual partner, it's still an act that makes us vulnerable to one another regardless. Seriously, how many people do you allow to see you naked? How many people know what it takes to make you hot under the collar? Exactly. Inevitably, one of you will catch feelings for the other and the nookie is no longer guilt-free, especially when/if those feelings are not reciprocated.

Regardless, many people try (and fail) to have this kind of relationship because they believe that what befalls others won't happen to them. So they go into blindly, without having any pre-established rules. And even though rules are meant to be broken and usually are in this situation, it's good to at least start off with a few. So here are some rules to consider in having a FWB:

1. Time limits. The FWB should be viewed a temporary arrangement, not a permanent situation. The longer you're "together", the harder it will be to avoid developing any feelings. I say 2 months, max.

2. Mutual understanding and agreement. Both of you should agree to boundaries. Is this a monogamous sexual relationship? Are you open about dating other people? Do you tell the other if you met someone special?

3. Protection. This goes without saying.

4. Quality time. Are you only spending time together to have sex? Do you still hang out like before you started having sex?

5. Affection. Are you affectionate outside of the bedroom?

6. Termination. Will you try to return to being friends after it ends?

7. Discretion. Is it common knowledge that the two of you hook up or is it a clandestine kind of thing? If you have mutual friends, will you tell them?

Most importantly, be honest with yourself; is this the kind of relationship you really want or is it something you're settling for? Do you really like this person and you're willing to accept whatever it is they offer in hopes they'll magically fall in love with you? (FYI, that generally only happens in the movies). Regardless of your answer, please go into this situation well-informed and with your eyes wide open. While you are constructing a fantasy in your head about how they'll fall madly in love with you, they might be sleeping with you because the person they really like is making them wait until the 5th date.

So if you insist on moving forward on this type of relationship, be forewarned: there is a high possibility that it will bite you in the booty - and not in the way you like.

Sex

The word alone evokes images, fantasies, memories and emotions. What is it about sex that makes people lose their minds and do the most idiotic things? Is it the orgasm? (It certainly doesn't hurt.) The connection? The intimacy? The validation? All of the above?

Whatever it is, it seems that people are all over the place when it comes to sex, even in defining it. Birds do it, bees do it, but no one does it like humans. There are various positions, various accoutrements, sometimes various people involved at the same time. Regardless of sexual orientation and predilections, there seems to be one universal theme - someone's always trying to get it! (Hopefully, legally.)

Of course, there are plenty of instances where both (all?) parties involved are down to do the do. However, there's usually some kind of chase involved (especially in Heterosexlandia), particularly if folks are trying to date. If people are trying to have a no-strings attached, booty-call situation or a one night stand, the rules are different. But if one is trying to get to know someone and wants to have the option of a relationship, it often takes some time to get the goodies.

If most of us want sex, why can it be so dang difficult to get? For straight men, they have to convince a woman to have sex with them. (From what I understand, for most gay men, it's not difficult at all. In my next life, I hope to be a gay man.) If you're good-looking and have a little bit of swagger, it's not that difficult. Not to say it's easy all the time, but it's much easier than if you're not attractive and/or have no confidence. However, the challenging aspect is finding a woman who is down.

In general, women tend not to give it up so easy. (I said in general, so please don't tell me about your cousin/sister/friend/neighbor who has sex with everybody.) There's a complex equation that goes on in our heads that determine whether or not someone will see us naked. (It's a totally different equation in lesbian relationships, from what I've been told at the bar.) If you take the square root of the temperature, multiply it by the number of times she was given a compliment over the course of the day, divided by how many new shoes purchased in the past month and add the weight on her driver's license, you should be able to figure out if she's going to put out.

Yeah, it's that complicated.

Actually, there are so many things that go into determining whether we sleep with someone or not. Here is the sequence of thoughts we have and questions we ask ourselves before we get down:

1. How badly do I want to have sex?
2. Do I want to have sex with this cat?
3. If I have sex with him tonight, will I see him again?
4. Do I even want to see him again?
5. Booty call or relationship?
6. I wonder what he's working with.
7. I can't make any decisions until we kiss.
8. Do I want to kiss him?
9. Is it too soon?
10. Is he expecting a BJ?
11. Has he earned it?
12. Am I going to become emotionally attached?
13. Did I shave my legs?


It is also determined by where we are in our lives, how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about our sexuality and what we want from our potential sex partner. Oh, and hormones! Considering that most men operate from a physical space when it comes to sex and women operate from a mix of physical, mental and emotional space, it's a wonder that men and women can be in sexual relationships with one another!

One of the most common issues that comes up in dating and relationships is negotiating sex. I think most men know that women tend to move in a more mental and emotional space, but often choose to ignore it. It may be because they don't understand it or it may be because they don't give a damn. Regardless, that kind of attitude/impatience will prevent you from getting what you want. While we can talk about female sexual empowerment, at the end of the day, we're still operating under a double standard; if we are too enthusiastic about having sex, we're deemed sluts. A lot of men say,"I want a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed." Ever notice that there's no comparable saying for men? That's because their sexuality is part of their masculinity, whereas for us, being a lady does not include being sexual.

Done with my rant.

Anyway, we do like sex. A lot. And we talk about it. A lot. And we want to do it. A lot. But there's also a lot that goes into deciding who we want to have sex with, especially if we are dealing with men. So please, gentlemen, have some patience (not persistence) and you may get what you want sooner than you thought. Also, learn how to kiss. It counts a lot more than you think.