During my first-year field placement in grad school, I had a little situation with one of the managers of the program. He wasn't my supervisor, but he was a supervisor. He had this tendency to interrupt the groups I ran, in a manner that I felt was disrespectful. Granted, the participants were homeless men who heard voices and were trying not to smoke crack, but still...rude! Although I'm generally pretty laid back, I felt he had crossed the line. However, in order to put an end to this trifling behavior, I was going to do something I really didn't want to do: confront him.
Dayum, Gina.
Like most people, I try to avoid confrontation like the plague. It's uncomfortable and in certain situations, I totally get bubble guts because I'm so nervous. (TMI? My bad.) Whether it's a friend, a co-worker, a baby boo or a boss, not too many people enjoy confronting someone or being confronted, especially if it's something major. Yet, it's unavoidable...unless you like being a doormat.That's what can make it so difficult because you're essentially making yourself vulnerable. You are telling on yourself about what you need, what you like, what you don't like, how you feel about something/someone to another human being; you are telling them they have the power to affect you. Fortunately, most of us are not sociopaths (although I hear this Kofy guy is a mean SOB) and we are usually invested in what the confronter is saying. How you are confronted, however, can either lead to resolution or fisticuffs (aka an ass beating).
There is a common misconception that confrontation has to be an aggressive and hostile event. And many are, but often unnecessarily so. Because people (especially women) don't want to appear as petty or demanding, they allow issues to fester until they get good and pissed. Then there's an explosion of accusations and self-righteous indignation (or indignoration, depending on the situation) because the other person has not sussed out what the problem is from all the passive-aggressive comments and shenanigans. Suddenly, the confrontation morphs into finger-pointing, chicken-necking screaming match about selfishness and arrogance when the original issue was about leaving one swallow of orange juice in the container. (Hopefully, that's with a friend/family member/baby boo and not your boss...awkward.)
There's an art to confrontation. It takes forethought, insight and a little objectivity. It's easy to believe that you're right all the time (I most certainly do), but really, you're not. In many situations involving humans, there often isn't a clear-cut, black and white right or wrong. We all have our reasons for doing things and we sometimes neglect to think about the impact on others. Here are 7suggestions to have a "happy" confrontation:
1. Figure out what you would like to happen as a result. Do you just need to be heard or is there something specific you need for this to be resolved?
2. Be honest with yourself. In what ways may you have contributed to this situation?
3. Take a step back and check in with yourself emotionally. If you are angry, it may not be the best time to confront your boss about why you got passed over for that promotion.
4. Be prepared to listen. You may find that the other person has some things to confront you about. If you are not ready to hear them, it may not be the right time for this confrontation.
5. Pick an appropriate time and space. Your anniversary dinner is probably not the best time to confront your husband about the size 14 stiletto heels you found in his gym bag. (I'd like to be a spectator for that confrontation though!)
6. Have some ideas about how to resolve the issue. "I don't know, just fix it" is NOT a solution.
7. Let it go once it's been addressed/resolved. I'm sure another issue will come to take its place in all due time, so there's no use in always talking about "how they always leave one swallow in the container." Besides, it will just make you mad all over again.
I know all these suggestions don't make it easier to confront someone. And sometimes, our audience isn't open to being confronted. Just keep in mind that a closed mouth doesn't get fed and nothing will change if you only sit around wishing it would. I did address the issue with the rude supervisor guy. I was nervous and my tummy was churning, but I did it. He apologized and it never happened again. We became the best of friends and are still in touch.
Just kidding - I couldn't stand him before and I couldn't stand him after. But he didn't interrupt my groups no more times!
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