The S Word

According to the 298 posts I've read over the past year (like this one or this one or this one), there's a national epidemic going on, especially for black women. Apparently, many women are suffering from...being single. It's reaching a crisis level, where many bright, successful and attractive women may never get married. If you're married or in a committed relationship, you may want to reconsider some of your friendships. Although it hasn't been found to be contagious, it's better to be safe than sorry. Obviously, nothing is worse than being single, especially as a woman. (Actually, you may want to stop reading this right now, because it is written by a single woman.)

#whatthef*ckever

It's not to say that being in a relationship doesn't have its appeal, hence the collection of dating horror stories that inspired the last few posts. However, many of these articles make it seem like being single is one of the most awfullest, painful experiences that one should avoid at all costs, particularly if you have a vagina. I have yet to read any articles about how men have such a hard time dating and finding a mate. As someone who quite enjoys being single, it's borderline offensive that so much time and effort is spent on figuring out how to cure singledom (singlehood? singleness?).

Being single in itself is not problematic; the problem lies in how we interpret what it means about us. Unfortunately, this tends to inflict more suffering on women than men. Historically, women who were not married past a certain age were considered spinsters (I wonder how many of them were actually just lesbians?) and despite the changes in society, I believe some of that stigma still stands. Although we can say that men over 35 who haven't been married or aren't in a long-term relationship are weirdos, if they decided to get married, their proposal is highly likely to be accepted (unless they truly are weirdos).

So why is it that these bright, successful and attractive women might not get married? Well, if they are lesbians, it might be because it's still not legal in their state (which is ridiculous!). But if they're heterosexual...who cares? There are lots of reasons why women don't get married. While it's easy to blame it on the perceived lack of men (very, very easy), it may also be because ultimately, they don't want to! Being in a relationship takes a lot of energy, time, emotion and compromise; if you're with the right person, it's totally worth it. However, sometimes it seems like in order to avoid being single, many women find themselves compromising on a lot...a lot of bullsh*t (regardless of sexual orientation, by the way). We tell ourselves stories about our partners in order to rationalize staying with them. Do any of these sound familiar?

1. Once s/he breaks up with their significant other, we can be together.
2. It's obvious they love me; look at how often they text me.
3. It's because his mother was too strong/her dad left when she was young that they are emotionally unavailable.
4. I know I can change them with the strength of my love.
5. When they get a little more Jesus/Allah/Jehovah in their life, they'll be ready.
6. It's not their fault that their ex-boo keeps contacting them.
7. If I was a better cook/lover/dog walker, they'd know I was the right one for them.
8. I just have to be patient, they have so much potential.

Don't feel bad, I've made some of these same rationalizations.


Again, compromise on both sides is necessary for a relationship to function well. However, there has to be some non-negotiables. It's different for everyone and it's important to figure out what yours are, especially if you decide to date. The more experience you have, the more you know about your tolerance level and what you're willing to put up with. And keep in mind, they are putting up with some of your bullsh*t too! Unless you're like me and Mary Poppins - practically perfect in every way. (Just kidding, Mary Poppins is a fictional character.)

The best thing one can do, regardless of gender, age and sexual preference, is embrace being single. There are pros and cons to both being in a relationship and being single. If you focus all your time and emotional energy trying to figure out where your soul mate is hanging out, there is a lot of life you are missing out on. And ladies, this does not seem to afflict men nearly as much as it afflicts us. Stop worrying! Create the kind of life you want so that if your boo comes along, they'll fit right in. And if they don't, your life is pretty awesome just as it is.