Room to Grow

You were introduced in utero while your moms were in Lamaze class. You shared fun fruits (way better than fruit wrinkles) during snack time in preschool. You had the same teacher in 4th grade and you swapped sandwiches everyday at lunch time. You came up with your own language to pass notes in class. You called their mom "Mom" and you were always welcome to family events. You told each other secrets. Whatever your story is, you've known each other for a very long time. Over the years, you've seen each other through a lot. They were the first person you told when you lost your virginity. You went to the hospital when their mom was dying. They comforted you through your first heart break. You picked them up when they got a flat on the side of the road. They helped you move into your new apartment. You bought them groceries when they were broke. They are the godparent to your child. It's not even a friendship at this point; y'all are family.

That's totally awesome.

In having a friendship for so long, they've seen you at your best and your worst. They remember (and have pictures) of when you had a jheri curl or that you wanted to go to Hillman College. They remember that girl you dated that smelled like mothballs and fish sticks or that guy who had Slick tattooed on his chest and a talent for abusing the English language. (Thank goodness you have equally embarrassing information and pictures!) Fortunately, you've given each other the space to grow and change into the thriving adults you are today.

No, not so much?

It's so easy to keep our friends in a box based on how they were when you became friends. Were they a little socially awkward in 7th grade? Did they suck their thumb until the 11th grade? Does it seem like they still don't know how to pick the right person to date? Were they notoriously flaky in their early twenties? It's one thing if they are still that way, but if they have changed, have you changed how you view them? Have you changed how you treat them?

It can be very difficult to change your perception of someone, especially if you've known them for so long. Being a good friend is doing just that, accepting who they've become (or are trying to become) and allowing room in your friendship for the changes. Sometimes those changes are so drastic, you may have to take some time apart and come back together again. Hopefully, the bond will be strong enough that you'll be just fine.

However, if you don't give your friend the space to grow, they will make new friends who accept them as they are and not hold them to being the person they were. All of sudden, you look up and a year has passed; you have no idea what's going on in their life (other than the random FB postings) and you're left wondering what happened to your old friend. They outgrew the box you kept them in and created a life without you in it.

We tend to do this subconsciously; after all, we don't like change. How do you know you are stifling your friend? Here are a few signs:
1. We feel compelled to give them unasked for advice - on everything.
2. We play devil's advocate, which is basically questioning their ability to reason and weigh out various options. (Quite insulting, if unasked for.)
3. We bring up old stuff all the time that does not cast them in the best light.
4. We say things like "Well, you know how you are..." in the most condescending tone.
5. We "protect" them.

Sound familiar? If you do/say some of these things sometimes, that's one thing - we are human after all. If you're doing often enough that your friend has talked about how it bothers them, that's something different. They are essentially warning you that the nature of your friendship may soon be a-changing. Heed that warning and look at your behavior. What's the motivation behind it? Can you actually listen to your friend? Part of any relationship is open communication; platonic friendships are no different. If you want to preserve the ones you have, from the oldest to the newest, make sure you're giving each other the space and recognition of growth. That way you'll have someone who will move with you to the retirement community in Boca Raton.