You May Be Right, But Totally Wrong

As people, there are a multitude of things we all do all the time. Besides the obvious autonomic human functions, we eat, we sleep, we talk, we laugh, we brush our teeth...the list goes on and on. Although we do have choices in whether we do these things or not (I'm sure someone has an example of a small Amazonian culture that does not believe in bathing of any kind), most of us do them on autopilot. However, there is one thing on this list that we don't like to admit we do, despite doing it all the time.

I'll give you a hint: we do it everyday. We make big ones, we make small ones. Sometimes it can cause a mess, make a stink.

Hmmm, what could it be?

Okay, I'll tell you.

Judgments.

What did you think I was talking about? Dropping the kids off at the pool? Nah, I know plenty of people who are quite proud of that accomplishment.

Most people would like to believe that they are above judging people. But the truth is, we make judgments about people all the time, every day. We judge what they're wearing, we judge how they act, we judge what they look like. We make judgments about how much money they make or their sexuality. We're constantly judging and more often than not, comparing ourselves. “I would never let myself get that fat,” we think. “I'm always on time, why is s/he always late?”. “That's not how someone should dress if they're trying to look professional, not like a professional.” So on and so forth.

If we're all doing it, why are we so reticent in admitting to it? It's not wrong to make judgments; it's how we learn from others' experiences. The problem lies in what we do with those judgments, namely how we treat others based on how we've interpreted the information. Especially if we're talking about our friends.

How many of us have watched a friend do something totally stupid (in our “humble” opinions)? Or get involved in a situation that had red flags so big you could see them from space? According to my unscientific, self-created statistics, that's basically 99.99999% of the human population. Okay, everyone put your hands down. Now...how many of you saw your friend differently once they were engaged in this stupidity? Okay, a few less people have their hand raised. Lastly, how many of you treated your friends differently? Mmhmm. And what's your friendship like now? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that it has irrevocably changed....but I'll make no judgment about if it was for the better or the worse.

Our job as a  friend is to try to protect our friends from imminent danger, whether it be from a Miami drug cartel (uh, who are you hanging out with?), a crazy Nigerian pyramid scheme or from a broken heart. The operative word is try. We cannot live their lives, nor can we think that we know what's best for them. Although we may feel we can see the whole forest for the trees, we only have the perspective of the outsider. We have no idea what it's like on the inside of the forest; there may be little wood nymphs that make flower wreaths and give amazing foot massages. All we see is a dark, impenetrable and possibly scary-ass forest where we assume lions and tiger and bears live. Although it may seem like we know what's right, we have no idea because we're not in the situation, whatever it may. But I'll bet money that we have been...it's just different because it's our experience, right? #youcandishitbutcanttakeit.

[SIDEBAR] Is it just me, or does it seem like the most judgmental (and quite vocal) people tend to also be the most tight-lipped and sneakative (sneaky + secretive, NW)...ahem, I mean private people? They can talk all day long about what you've got going on, but when it comes to their own skeleton-riddled forest, they are suspiciously quiet.

Anyway...

As being both the judge and the judged, our relationships can be seriously altered when we don't feel like we can trust our friends with all the details. One of the major joys of friendship is feeling unconditionally loved and accepted, regardless of how dirty, stupid, irresponsible and trifling we can be at times. Our friends are not our family – we get to choose them. Even if we disagree with what they are doing, it's also a part of our job to support them anyway (with individually determined boundaries of course) and pick them up when they've fallen down...without the I-told-you-sos preferably. Okay, you can think it, just don't say it out loud.

“The hardest thing to accept is that your friend is an adult and will make decisions that you disagree with. The best thing you can do is love them and be there for them if it doesn't work out, just like you knew it wouldn't.”  The best advice given to me by my mother.