Trickeration in the Dancery

You're at the grocery store and both of you reach for the last organic sprouted gluten-free dairy-free (flavor-free) whatchamacallit. You both chuckle and they allow you to have it...as long as they can get your number. Since they are cute, apparently single and have good taste in whatchamacallits, you give them the digits. Soon thereafter, a date is planned.

Here's the first date checklist:
1. shower
2. shave
3. brush teeth
4. iron your fancy clothes and put them on
5. put on makeup (some guys are into eyeliner)
6. put on some smell-good
7. dust off the heels/church shoes

Some of you know that in your everyday, regular state of being, you barely do 1-3, much less even own an ironing board. However, this is the first date and you only get one time to make a good first impression. While there's the distinct possibility that this whatchamacallit eater may only look good under the fluorescent lighting of a grocery story, you're hopeful that you'll like each other. That's why you're wearing the shoes that cut off the circulation in your left baby toe.

When we date someone new, we all bring our representative. This is the best version of ourselves, the one that not only has wrinkle-free clothing, but also is interesting, delightful, entertaining and totally flaw-free. During the first few dates, our representative is in full effect mode (like Al B. Sure, for your pleasure); we don't want to scare our prospective boos with all our idiosyncrasies and unique personality quirks at one time. If you're fortunate, you've made a real connection and can feel okay to let your soul glow; you can be your truest self and send your representative home.

There's nothing wrong with sending your rep out there; part of it is biological as we are subconsciously drawn to people who are physically attractive for procreating reasons. There is also a list of characteristics to which we respond positively and reinforce our initial physical attraction. But more importantly, we owe it to ourselves to be protective of the information we disclose. In sharing who we are, we make ourselves vulnerable to the possibility of ridicule and judgment. They don't need to know about your bad credit or extensive collection of beanie babies right away. There will be some things they will discover about you (and you them) over time. That's the (allegedly) fun of dating, the getting-to-know someone part.

Some people don't seem to understand there's a difference between a representative and a misrepresentative. Your representative is still you - it's just a more polished version. A misrepresentative, however, is a falsified version of who you are. Sometimes, people outright lie and make up stories about who they are. They often have an ulterior motive (or a personality disorder) for lying, whether it be to get sex, money or whatever. They are the extreme version of misrepresentation. There are others though that may be pretending to be the self they wish they were or the self they think you want them to be. The problem is that your true self will eventually come to light.

To ensure that you're not misrepresenting who you are to your new boo, it's important to take a self-inventory. Get your friends and family involved; they'll be more than happy to tell you alllllllllllllllll about yourself. If you haven't really figured out who you are yet, maybe it's not the right time for you to date. It's also important to know what you want. If you're just trying to get laid, be honest with yourself (and your date) about that. Make sure your behavior is congruent with your words. If you're saying that you don't want a relationship, don't act like you're in one. While some may argue that honesty isn't always the best policy, it is when it comes to being honest with yourself. After all, those beanie babies didn't magically appear in your closet, right?

Love in the Time of Facebook

 

 

It's the first date. You're having a good time; witty banter, interesting conversation, there's a little flirting going on. Subconsciously, both of you know that this is the interviewing process, but it's been good. No one has asked about the 5 year plan or the disaster known as your relationship history. It's light, it's easy, just how a first date should be. As the date is wrapping up, right before the should-we-kiss dance begins, your date slips in that last question, the one you were hoping to avoid: Are you on Facebook? The question in itself isn't a bad one; even those without a Facebook account know what Facebook is. However, that one question often leads to another, more problematic issue - the Facebook friend request.

Awkward.

Social media is everywhere. It's associated with laundry detergent, cars, shoes, Pringles...almost everything and everyone at the very least has a Facebook page. There's Google +, Pinterest, Myspace, Friendster and a plethora of other sites; although some are more popular than others, they are all forums for people to express themselves and connect with others. It's been responsible for reunions, reconnections, social action, hook-ups, events, and disseminating information. On the surface, this seems great. But there can be a darker side, of break-ups and de-friending, cyber-bullying and cyber-stalking and people displaying their creative sides...with an interesting interpretation of how English works. This begs the question: Should you be Facebook friends with someone you're dating?

I vote no. Actually, an emphatic hell no.

We all know that when you're dating someone new, you are presenting your best self, your representative. (Hopefully, your rep isn't too far a stretch from who you really are, but you still don't let all your crazy show at one time.) On Facebook, many of us do let it all hang out (although some of us need to put it away); we talk explicitly about what we think, how we feel, what we like, what we're doing right now at this very moment today here in this place where we are...we put a lot of information out there. Some of that information might just be a little too much for a new boo. Without any actual knowledge of who you are, it can lead to a lot of misinterpretation and misunderstanding. Or maybe it's an accurate interpretation and understanding they should have...after getting to know you waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better.

Facebook minefields include status updates, photo albums, other people's photo albums, notes, posted articles, pages you like, your friends, getting tagged, tagging others...is that just about everything on Facebook? Basically, anything you post is up for grabs and even the friends you love and adore (do you really know all 732 friends?) can shine a light on things that may need to be discussed...eventually, like on the 17th date or something.

Here's an example of how something so benign can go so wrong:
      
             Status update: I'm having a crunchy pancakes in the dark kind of day.
             Slick Nasty and 17 other friends like this.
             Comments:
             "I'm having a soggy Captain Crunch kind of day."
             "Aw, that's too bad. Mine is more of a Jumbaco kind of day."
             "I got some old Spaghetti-O's going on over here."
             "Well, this is the kind of day I'm having, so I win."
             

Of course, you're being creatively silly and your friends know this about you. Not only do they know, they understand and respond in kind. But your new friend may be scratching their head at several things:

1. What are crunchy pancakes? Does that mean they can't cook basic things? Are they talking about me?
2. Why would they eat them in the dark? Maybe they can't pay their electric bill. Maybe they're expecting me to start supporting them financially. I am not a sugar mama/daddy! Are they talking about me?
3. What grown up eats Spaghetti-O's? They don't even taste good. Maybe their friends all have kids. Maybe they have a kid they haven't told me about yet. I'm not ready to be a step-parent. Are they talking about me?
4. Who are these friends they are associating with? Why is one of them named Slick Nasty? Are they talking about me?
5. Who doesn't know that you have to eat Captain Crunch really quickly or else they will get soggy and disgusting. Not to mention greasy. You can't even drink the leftover milk when that happens. Are they talking about me?
6. Are they talking about me?

See where the mind can go when left to its own devices? It's the devil's workshop, y'all.

It also takes away the opportunity of getting to know each other organically. If you looked at my pictures, you could determine that I like to travel and have been to many places. So now there's no need to ask because you already "know". You can learn where I got my degrees, where I work, who I know, that I believe that a glass wine solves everything and where I've lived without even having a conversation (at the bar) with me. By the time our 2nd date rolls around, there's nothing to talk about except maybe some clarification about crunchy pancakes. (Were you talking about me?) 

Does this mean that you can never be online friends with your boo? No, of course not. There are plenty of couples who are Facebook friends and it's fine; I believe that it is a function of how your relationship works. If your relationship is strong, healthy and the lines of communication are open, there shouldn't be any problems that arise, at least not from some comment made on your status update. However, it doesn't seem to enhance your relationship in any way either, especially in comparison to the amount of detriment that can come from being on Facebook or any other social media site.

While it can be interesting (and very tempting) to see your new friend minus the representative, so much context and background information is missing that you're still not getting a full picture. So be patient; part of the fun of dating someone is the getting to know them process. And when they finally tell you the story about crunchy pancakes in the dark, you'll get it.

After the Love is Gone...

Getting over a break-up...everything I need to know has already been discussed at the bar: It’s Nicole’s birthday, so naturally she will be at a real bar conversing and of course, drinking. Dutiful friend that I am, I volunteered to guest post on her blog, so she could enjoy the celebrating the day  on which she was birthed. Lucky friend that I am, I get to talk to Nicole whenever I want, which means that I don’t have to wait until each Friday to get her insightful and helpful life wisdom. Herein lies the rub: if I go to her for normal-healthy person talk, then what the hell am I going to write about on her how to be a normal-healthy person blog? Sweet patient friend that she is, she told me to just write about whatever I was going through. So I did that, and in doing so I realized that conversing at the bar for the past year has taught me much more that I thought. Wrote a blog about it, like ta hear i, hear it go...........

Okay, so it is over. No, for real this time. Their toothbrush went in the wastebasket. You have untagged yourself in Facebook photos and your status has changed. You got a new attitude. You’ve signed up for Zumba and/or have ordered P90X to get back down to your bantam weight. You have changed their name in your phone to “NO,” and you are now ready to converse at the bar.

Yes y’all, that is the sound of one door closing and another one opening...into singledom. Now for those of you who not only advocate, but are capable of the clean break (up), God love you. You probably  Elizabeth Kubler-Ross-ed your way through a healthy grieving process and are currently conversing at the bar where everyone knows your name. Gold Star. For others, ending things can be a bit messier and complicated. In my case, after breaking up, I spent an additional year languishing in the ambiguous purgatory of not being able to let go, commonly known as staying friends. It’s great at first; you get all of the perks of being in a relationship without any of the responsibility. You know it can’t last forever, but there is still goodwill and fondness there and truth be told, it's a helluva lot better than being alone. But then the smallest thing sends you into a PTSD flashback and you slam head first into the realization that your differences are, in fact, irreconcilable. It's at that moment that you realize that it is over like cross-colors and you don’t give a rat’s ass who is going to bathe the dog. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to stage 5. It’s time to move on.

Nature abhors a vacuum and that is precisely what is left at the end of a relationship. You share secrets, laughs, cries, dreams, inside jokes, and sexytimes with someone and then they just aren’t there anymore. Nature don’t like that. So it goes all honey badger on your ass and starts stirring up stuff for you to fill that space with, like lots and lots of feelings. My ex isn’t a bad dude. Once upon a time, he was everything I needed and wanted. And just because someone doesn’t love you the way you need doesn’t mean they don’t love you the best they can. In the end, he just ended up not being the man for me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t righteously miss him sometimes. No point in denying it. Denial didn’t work for me the first eleventy times I tried it, so I might as well go ahead and put on my big girl panties and suit up for a game of dealing with my feelings, which means being honest about them but also means not making more of them than what they are. So I don’t. I just feel my feelings, send him light, love, and well-wishes and keep it pushing...except for those times when I’m re-angry and I want a second chance at saying what I should said that time he did that thing, didn’t do that thing, said that mess, shoulda said what he didn’t...blah blah blah. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve gotten some crazy looks having argument mulligans with him by myself in the car. The lesson there: People need to mind their own G.D. business when I’m trying to work my stuff out in the car. That and we broke up. All that disappointment, all those misunderstandings, all those arguments lead us exactly to where we are supposed to be which is where we are which is NOT TOGETHER.  Point is: ruminating is bad whether it is angry, sad, or wistful. It keeps you trapped in the same emotional space and going in circles like an ever rolling wheel without a destination real. Or an ever spinning top whirling around til you drop. See, we already heard that song. Where the remote at?

So now I’m single, forilla. Now what? Well funny you should ask because I’ve been asking myself the same doggone thing and the answer I keep coming back to is that it is time to mingle! Yes, my friends. I have to get back in the saddle and start dating. This is not something to which I am looking forward. You have to cut a swath through the jungle of young whipper-snappers, old cat-daddies, posers, losers, insufferable asses, and the irrevocably damaged. Then when you finally reach the pool of acceptable candidates, you have to actually date. What’s your favorite food? What do you do for fun? Have you ever been to Vegas? Where’d you go to school? Would you ever have a threesome? Do you like the Olive Garden? I mean seriously, you’ll find yourself 2 feet up a bull's ass with that sh!*%. Plus, you gotta get the stepladder out the closet so you can reach up on the high shelf where you think you put the box that had your game in it. Now you have to smile, flirt, be nice and friendly, chat folks up, laugh at dumb-ass jokes, and explain why he can’t have your number even though he bought you a drink. Good God, just thinking about it is making me want to revisit being friends. If anything, I know I’m in for many a conversation that will begin with, “Gurrrrrrrrrrllllllllll.” The lesson here: To put myself out there without agenda and with the singular intention of just being open to the experience. If I’m not trying to catch anything in particular then I won’t be mad when I have to throw something back. And if I can successfully do that, then hopefully I’ll end up with an experience more valuable than just gentleman’s company; I will have moved on. I will have started a new chapter that is yet unwritten.

Now fast forward like Mr. Wizard did when he and the awkward kid in the glasses and topsiders would set up the experiment and then he would send the kid “away” and they would cut to “much later” when the kid came back but really it was only long enough for them to switch out the old experiment for the one where the baking soda had already done its thing. Ok? So yeah, play like its Mr. Wizard.

I went on a date. Now in all fairness, I didn’t expect that to happen so soon. I fully expected to have to pay my back-on-the market-dues by having to wade through my share of jherri curls, cheesy pick up lines, and gold teeth. But, in the spirit of being open, I gave someone a chance that I otherwise wouldn’t have, and hadn’t the four other times he tried to get to know me in twice as many years. Guess what! I had a great time. And now we’ve gone out 1.5 more times and I’ve learned a few more things:

1) I am not ready for a relationship. Relationships are work and my relationship muscles are fatigued. Commitment is so much more than exclusivity and I don’t have the energy for it. Which brings me to....

2) I actually, honestly, no joke, don’t have an agenda, for the first time, like, ever. I am completely liberated from feeling invested in any specific outcome. Fancy that! Maybe we’ll fizzle, maybe we’ll end up friends, maybe there is something there, who knows.

3) I’d like to get to know this guy...very slowly. I’m curious to know who he is, and so far I’ve enjoyed finding out. And MOST importantly...

4) I still got it :)

See Nicole, when you talk in my good ear, I actually be listening to your healthy-normal-person-therapy talk. Happy Birthday Girl!

Are You on This List?

Many women I know, myself included, complain about the lack of dateable men. All of us believe that we're great catches and some of us truly are. However, I also know there are plenty of women who may not be and are ruining it for the rest of us, dammaging men left and right who can't seem to recover...just from one date! So ladies, are you this chick?

1. The Opportunist - when you met him, you knew that he was not the one for you. Maybe his pants were sagging too much or he had difficulty stringing words together to form a sentence or his behavior and tone of voice reminded you of Urkel. Whatever the reason, you knew that nothing good would come from you giving him your number. However, when he asked you out (via text), you said yes anyway. A girl has to eat right?

2. Ms. Picky - "I know it says flour crust, but I'd like it with a cornmeal crust. Make sure it's baked in the oven with only other vegetarian pizzas. Also, is the mozzarella made with whole milk or skim milk? And were the cows that produced the milk grass-fed? I'd like the mushrooms to be finely chopped and sprinkled liberally on the pizza, but make sure they're not touching the other vegetables." If you have food allergies (especially if you have to carry an epi-pen with you), that's one thing. But if you're this picky about your pizza, one can only imagine how you are about other things.

3. The Hungry Chick - I'm not talking about burgers and french fries, I'm talking about the woman who wants to be married with children so badly, any man will do. "What do you think about marriage? Do you want to get married? What do you think about an early fall wedding? Wouldn't that be beautiful? I want 2 boys and 1 girl, Jeremiah, Justin and Julia - I have a thing for J names." TMI for a first date! There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married and have children, but the desperation is so palpable, the folks sitting next to you can feel it!

4. The Bitter Bi*ch - your date doesn't even know what your teeth look like because you haven't smiled once! The body language and tone of voice convey an utter disregard and disdain for the man (or any man) that's taking you out. We've all been burned by love, but if you haven't recovered from your last relationship/experience (that ended 3 years ago), it might be time to get some therapy and figure out what's really going on.

5. The "I Don't Need A Man" Chick - with the divorce rate so high, it's very important for women to be independent and self-sufficient. However, you wouldn't be on a date if there wasn't some need you were trying to fulfill. Whether it be a life partner kind of need or clear the cobwebs kind of need, it does no good to let your date know that he is inconsequential.

6. The Inappropriately Dressed Chick - if your date is taking you to Chez Panisse, by all means, put on a dress and your peep toe heels. But if he's taking you rock-climbing, are you sure that's what you want to wear? This isn't just about where you're going, this is also about the style and fit of your clothes. I know it can be hard to accept that you don't fit a size 8 anymore, but if you have to lay down, stop breathing and use plyers to zip it, let it go! Especially if it's your Girbauds from 1993. Please also keep in mind there is a fine line between slutty and sexy.

7. The Emasculator - these days, gender roles continue to get blurry, particularly as more and more women become the breadwinners and achieve success in their careers. Unless he's looking for a sugar mama, most men want to feel like and be appreciated as men. We complain about chivalry being dead, but barely give men a chance to be chivalrous. So let them be men! It's okay to let them open the door for us.

8. The Wackadoo - we're all a little bit crazy in our own way, but this is different. It's hard to define, but we all know it when we see it...unless we are the crazy chick. If you feel it's okay to slash tires and throw bricks through windshields or if you sleep with your beanie baby collection, you might fall under this category.

9. The Oversharer - as women, we build our emotional connections by talking about everything. Feelings, thoughts, mistakes, boo boo, work, love, sex, pedicures, everything. That's why we have girlfriends. There is a such thing as TMI with a man, especially if it's about other men. They don't want to know. Talking about your experiences with other men is definitely on the TMI list. Most men do not want to know because they are the one and only, right?

This list is by no means comprehensive as I'm sure there are men out there who have some horror interesting stories. At the end of the day, be yourself. It's just a date (not with destiny). You're both two people hoping to find someone that will accept you (and your collection of Jem dolls) and enjoy whatever it is you have to offer. If it works out, that's great. If it doesn't, it's another learning experience or funny story to tell around the lunch table. But if any of these descriptions sound a little too familiar, it might be hard out there for you, sister!

Dating for the Clueless - Part 2

Let's recap: you called the woman, you asked her lighthearted questions about ice cream and favorite beaches, you artfully avoided mentioning shadow puppetry and her bust size (and what you'd like to do with said bust) and you scored some face time (which you asked for over the phone, not via text or email).

Now what?

While there's no doubt that you will win her over with your charm and good-looks, there are a few things you need to do before you get there.

1. Plan something. You'll have gleaned from your light, yet curious banter what she does and does not like. Creativity gets you a lot of points, but don't be so creative that there is no environment to further get to know one another. (Creativity also helps if you are financially challenged.) Dinner at a fantastic restaurant is fine, but a picnic dinner could be even better...unless it's on a grassy knoll and she's allergic to grass. Also, if you plan the date, you can control how much money you spend. Groupon, Living Social, Trubates...these are all your friends.

2. Make an effort on your appearance. I'm not saying you need to consult with GQ first or even put on your church shoes, I'm just asking you to think about the impression you're trying to make. Baggy sweatpants, an old, ratty t-shirt and dirty tennis shoes are not the way to go...unless you're doing something that requires those kind of clothes. (And if you are, make sure your date knows this!)

3. Most importantly, make sure you're clean! Unless you've met a woman who loves a funky man (and has told you as much), please bathe...just not in your cologne. And don't forget to brush!

Once you're there...

4. As you're getting to know her, again, keep it light and appropriate. Dates can easily morph into interviews. What do you do for a living? Where did you go to school? How long have you lived in the Bay Area? Have you ever been married? Snooze. Yes, this is all vital information, but spread it out. Ask some interesting questions. What's the best cocktail you've ever had? Favorite vacation spot? How do you feel about marijuana? Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light?

5. Be confident! If at some point, you realize that this awesome woman is waaaaay out of your league, don't tell her that! She A. probably already knows and/or B. sees something in you that she likes. Most women respond favorably to a man who appears and behaves as if he's comfortable in his own skin. As we get to know each other better, there will be a time and place for all the baggage and vulnerabilities to be exposed. That is NOT on the first date.

6. To quote Chris Rock: "There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." Complimenting is a very subtle and delicate art. Too many and you come across as pandering and insincere. Too few and you're a self-absorbed a$$hole who doesn't appreciate how lucky you are to be in her presence. I know, it sucks for you. Here's a little help:


Yes: I didn't notice how blue your eyes are. They're really pretty.
Uh-uh: You're so beautiful, girl, I just feel so lucky to be with you, I can't believe you chose me.


Yes: I like your earrings/dress/hair cut.
Uh-uh: Can I marry you, because you are obviously the most wonderfullest woman I have ever met.


Yes: You have a beautiful smile.
Uh-uh: It's not your beauty, it's your booty. You got ass for days!



7. Now this may be controversial, but it's your treat. Double standard, whine, whine, whine, equality, blah, blah, blah. At the end of the day, men make more money than women doing the same job. The end. (P.S. Don't be a stingy tipper. Not a good look. Unless the service was incredibly bad, 15-20% is the standard.)


8. If the date is going well, she will subtly let you know. She'll touch you on your arm, hand, knee and won't be repulsed when you reach to do the same. Pay attention to the body language. When her arms are crossed and her body is angled away from you, it might not be the best time to try to kiss her. Admittedly, the kiss goodnight is always a little tricky. Although she be attracted to you, she might not kiss on the first date. Some women have arbitrary and silly little rules like that. However, if things are going well, she'll let you know if it's cool for a kiss; hell, she may kiss you! 


9. Last but not least, if you enjoyed yourself and want to see her again, FOLLOW UP. FOLLOW UP, FOLLOW UP, FOLLOW UP. That means calling her...on the phone...and conversing with her. Sending a little text, making sure she got home safely is also a really good and chivalrous move. Bonus points.


Rinse and repeat.


Sidebar: 
Now if this is someone you've met online or is a blind set-up, I highly recommend going on an abbrevadate (thanks, AS). The abbrevadate is a time-limited activity (lunch, brunch, drinks) that should happen in the morning or early afternoon, so that if you can't stand each other, there's an obvious out. "I have to run, I have to give my cat a flea dip,"* is a totally feasible reason for your activity to end by noon on a Saturday. One of the best activities for an abbrevadate is meeting up for coffee, even if you don't really drink it. It's cost-effective and espresso-mocha-choco-lattes (no whip cream, watching the waistline) are the perfect excuse to start your day with a liquid dessert. The benefit of an abbrevadate is that if you're not clicking, it's over quickly, you've spent maybe $20 and you can go about your day. However, if you're really digging each other, the abbrevadate can easily transition into a date-date. If you follow the suggestions above, you may just increase the likelihood of spending more time with her.

I'm not guaranteeing that these ideas will get you another date; there still has to be chemistry between the two of you. However, even if it goes nowhere, it is highly likely your date will walk away feeling good about you...and you never know, she might have a friend that's a better match. Plus, you'll know that you didn't fall into the "Girl, no he didn't" file and are being discussed over margaritas and guacamole.




*Some may argue that being truthful and acknowledging that you're not having a good time is the more mature route, but c'mon - few people are that honest (or mature).

Dating For the Clueless - Part 1

As human beings, we're very similar. We all need to breathe, eat, poop and sleep. What makes us unique is our little idiosyncrasies, our weird little habits that we let only a select few know about or see. Although it seems like all of us (especially women) have a laundry list of characteristics and qualities that we look for in a potential mate, ultimately we're really just looking for someone who will accept our delight in eating baby carrots with peanut butter. #don'tknockittilyoutryit.


Recently, I've thrown my hat back in the dating ring and as much as I'm trying not to be jaded, it is very difficult!  Don't get me wrong; I love men. I am very fortunate to have some very positive relationships with men, both within my family of origin as well as my family of choice. I don't think all men are cheating dogs and I really like looking at some of them. However, I've learned that when it comes to dating women, many men are absolutely clueless and engage in some dumbassery that knocks them out of the game before it even starts. I can't help but wonder - is it our faults because we didn't tell them and they continue to behave in the same way?

So in Part 1, we are talking about first part of dating - the initial connection, pre-first date phase. Although I'm using my perspective as a heterosexual woman, these suggestions are really for the pursuer role regardless of sexual orientation.

Here's the scene: You're riding BART (the subway) and you notice there's a pretty woman a few feet away. Usually people don't make eye contact on the morning commute, but she catches you looking at her and she smiles. Yes! She's giving you permission to approach. Thank goodness you ate your Wheaties because you're extra-witty this morning. Soon, you're both laughing and as the train gets to your stop, you get her number. You definitely want to see her again.

This is what you do:

1. Call her. Simple concept, yes, but frequently ignored. Although text messaging has (unfortunately) become the norm in communicating, this will set you apart. There's nothing more annoying than someone you don't know very well trying to have a conversation with you via text. Some people believe in the requisite 3-5 days, but if the conversation was good and you like her, call her sooner than that. Maybe not 15 minutes after you met her (hello stalker!), but within a day or two.

2. Be curious about her. The art of conversation is a back and forth exchange; it's not just your chance to talk all about yourself.

3. Keep it light, both in your line of questioning and what you share. There's plenty of time to share your baggage, if this is the right person to share it with. Think about it - if you go out on a date and there's no chemistry, this person, who's basically stranger, knows all about your struggle with huffing paint in the 90s, your intense fear of shadow puppetry and how you peed in the bed until you were 16.

4. Stay appropriate. If your intention is just to bone, disregard all of this; put it out there and see what you get. However, if you are interested in dating her, do not get overly sexual, if at all. There's a myth out there that women know immediately if they would sleep with you; I don't think that's necessarily true, at least not for myself and most of the women I know. Generally, there are two categories when it comes to sex: Hell NO! or I'm Not Sure Yet. (Sometimes there is a Fa Sho category, but that tends to happen rarely and is often due to specific circumstances such as Vegas or vacation.) Personally, when a man starts talking about sex and we haven't even been on a date yet, it makes me uncomfortable.

5. Ask her out. The only way to know if there's something there between you, is to spend time together. And when you ask her out, do not ask over text!

Unfortunately, the first scenario doesn't happen nearly as often as one would hope. Dating really happens over the internet more often than not.

Scenario: You see this woman's picture and profile on matchchemistryharmonycupid.com. She's very attractive and according to the website, you have eating with chopsticks and using cherry flavored chapstick in common. You decide to send her a message.

1. Make sure the email is grammatically correct and spell-checked to the death. For your average smart chick, this is a bigger deal then you think. We'll let it slide if we like what you're saying and what you look like, but it can make a difference.

2. Do not address a woman by her body parts. You'd think this was a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised. (One guy addressed me as Miss Double DD. Not only was that grammatically redundant, it was offensive and inaccurate! We did not go out.)

3. Do not spend a month emailing and chatting. A couple of emails and ask for her phone number. Then see number 1 of the first scenario.

These are totally non-scientific, very subjective lists of dating suggestions that have been culled by talking to women I know and based on some of the crazy experiences we've had. These women are intelligent, attractive, educated and ambitious. Most importantly, they are really nice! However, the dating experiences we've had as a collective is enough to turn a nice woman into a crazy b*tch. If you know any single folks who can use these suggestions, please pass this on!