A Friendship Is Born

 

 

As children, one of the easiest things to do is to make a new friend. A simple "You wanna play tag/GI Joe/Barbies?" is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Throw in a "You wanna be my friend?" at the end of playing and it's done - friends. Unfortunately, our baggage from friendships past make a previously easy process into an emotional minefield. "Can I trust them?" "Will they get along with my other friends?" "Do we wear the same size in shoes?" - all important questions that come to mind when we consider adding a new friend to our lives. Also, it's much harder to befriend new people; as kids, we played with the neighbors and made friends at school. Now, we spend most of our time at work.

Which leads us to the vaunted work friendship. When we spend the bulk of our time at work (which totally gets in the way of real life), it's almost impossible not to develop relationships with our co-workers. Generally, we see them more than we see our friends, family and baby boos; it's not uncommon for people to have work husbands and wives. These relationships can be quite significant as they can make or break a job. I've had several jobs in which the people I worked with made the tedious monotony of what I was doing bearable. On the flip side, if you work with a bunch of people you don't like, it can make your job really awful, even if you enjoy the work you do.

While some people are able to have clear boundaries between work and home life, the personal and professional lines of a work relationship often get blurred. If there is someone you connect with and you see them everyday, it can be quite difficult to keep things on a totally professional level. After all, we're human and most of us thrive on human connection. How do we connect? We talk. A lot. About ourselves. How many conversations can you really have about how unfair it is that HR is cracking down on stapler use? Exactly. Inevitably, we start talking about other aspects of our lives - our friends, our kids, the cutie pie you conversated conversed with at the bar, the co-workers you don't like, etc. Before you know it, your co-worker has become your work friend and you're adding each other to your list of Facebook friends.

Although it may seem like a work friend is more of a tertiary person in your life, it's important to maintain harmony in that relationship. In some ways, it may be one of your most crucial relationships; you see this person five days a week and may be dependent upon each other to get work done (or cover for you when you're running late). If there is funk in your relationship, it could be detrimental to your career and create a hostile work environment. (I guess that's why folks are dissuaded from having office romances - it's never a good idea to sh!t where you eat. But that's a whole 'nother blog...)

If you're lucky, your work friend turns into a friend friend. The great thing is that when one of you inevitably leaves, you'll still be friends as you've discovered you have more in common than hating the new time sheet system and being enraged about the whole stapler situation. And when they move to a place named after an older black man (who knew there was a town out there called Jerome!), you'll have a reason to go somewhere new and a free place to stay.

Although I'm really (REALLY) sad to see her go, I'm very excited for my friend friend and this next journey she's about to embark upon. I will miss you alotta bit very much, but I'll see you soon. In Jeromey Rome.

Can We Share?

Let me tell you a story:

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, intelligent woman (we'll call her Intern) who was embarking on a very (hopefully) rewarding career path. She was able to network and connect with some strategic allies, securing an internship that could only open many doors for her when she was ready. Her mentor (and internship supervisor) assured her many times that she had a lot of talent; she just about promised Intern a job upon completion of her studies. She also introduced Intern to some key people who could also potentially offer her a job. However, when Intern connected with one of those key people (someone that outranked her supervisor and happened to be male) who was happy to help her along, her supervisor stopped being her mentor and essentially reneged on those potential job offers.

#nof*ckingway!

Theory 1: Intern suddenly developed some kind of body odor that was repulsive and disgusting and the supervisor could not even begin to imagine working with her on a permanent basis.

Theory 2: The supervisor hit her head and it wiped out any memories related to Intern and future employment.

Theory 3: A butterfly flapped its wings in Brazil, not only causing Mars to go into retrograde, but to also cause the supervisor to strongly believe that Intern may at any moment start barking like a dog while hopping up and down on one foot; she wanted to avoid all of that.

Theory 4: Pure, unadulterated hateration in the dancery.

Although I'm not in this woman's head, but I'm going to guess that theory 4 is the most accurate. While Intern may thoroughly enjoy barking like a dog while hopping up and down on one foot, she knows not to do it at work. I surmise that the supervisor felt several things (none of which were rational or based in evidence) including threatened, insecure and territorial. What makes this story most troublesome is that instead of supporting and uplifting another woman into their profession, the supervisor, who is a well-established, highly regarded veteran, chose instead to create obstacles for Intern due to these (assumed) feelings. Of course, when dealing with emotions, they can definitely be irrational. That does not mean they should be acted upon. This scenario highlights the belief that there just isn't enough to go around and every person for themselves.

Let's look at the possible feelings behind the supervisor's behavior:

1. She felt threatened. Here is this younger woman who has it together. She knows what she's talking about and has a lot of ambition. Although the supervisor has years of experience on her, she might have felt like Intern was going to replace her. It's true that Intern could replace her...many years from now when the she retires.

2. She felt insecure. Maybe Intern reminded her of when she was coming up in the profession and there were so few women at the time. Or Intern is very attractive and makes the supervisor feel less noticeable/special.

3. She felt territorial. Clearly, the Intern was stepping out of her lane by establishing a relationship that the supervisor facilitated...wait, what? Possibly, the supervisor felt like if Intern could do that, she certainly didn't need her help. How is Intern going to come up in here and start making inroads with someone who outranked her? Blasphemous!

4. She felt jealous. Maybe when she was establishing herself, she didn't have access to the kind of resources that Intern has. She had to work really hard, without any kind of help, particularly from men, because they didn't want women in the profession. If she didn't get help, why should Intern get help...at least from her?!


I could be totally wrong and over-generalizing, but this seems to happen a lot more between women in lots of situations, not just in the workplace (hello, cock-blocking). Although men have their pissing contests as well, they don't seem to be as nefarious and hateristic as they are between women. It seems as if we can't share with one another, whether it be resources or the limelight.

But why are women like this? According to this article at psychcentral.com:

Because women learn that they are not supposed to be competitive and win at others’ expense, their natural competitive spirit cannot be shared openly, happily, or even jokingly with other women. In such situations, when aggression cannot be channeled into a healthy, positive edge, it becomes inhibited and goes underground. What could have been healthy competition becomes a secret feeling of envy and desire for the other to fail – laced with guilt and shame. 

Thus, what looks like hostile competition between women may instead mask feelings of insecurity, fear of success, and healthy aggression. Women, often experts at being tuned in and sensitive to others’ feelings, may easily overidentify with other women’s insecurities, projecting how they would feel in the other’s shoes and then feeling bad about their own success. Women learn to feel guilty for feeling happy and successful – and with their female friends who may not be having such luck, they may experience their own success as hurtful to their friend. This can make it uncomfortable for a woman to share and enjoy her accomplishments with her female friends. 

The lesson behind this: be friends with mostly men.

Just kidding. Fortunately, I am surrounded by a fabulous group of women who support each others' successes and inspire one another to keep striving. So when I am confronted by this issue, it's always a little bit shocking. While I'm definitely competitive, I'm also pretty open about it (ask any of my friends) and most importantly, I am confident that there is a enough to go around. Whether it be love, attractiveness, career success, or shoes, I'm not standing in anyone's way in getting those. If anything, I would love to help you; I am a firm believer of what goes around, comes around. Luckily, it hasn't happened to me much; when/if it does, I'm not going to worry about it - there's enough for all of us.

Work - A Respectable Addiction?

America has a problem. We've become a culture of workaholics. In the face of the recession, those of us who are still employed, have become even worse, trying to prove our worth by staying late and going above and beyond our job requirements. With the combination of fear, stress and job dissatisfaction, slowly but surely, work is killing us.

Remember Aesop's fable about the ant and the grasshopper? The ant worked all summer storing food while the grasshopper played and when winter came, the grasshopper had no food. American work culture has become based on this. However, instead of resting and enjoying the benefits of our hard work, we keep on working. I know several people who make A LOT of money and guess what? They don't ever have time to spend it because they're too busy...working.

Don't get me wrong; there's nothing wrong with hard work. There will always be days when there are projects and deadlines that need more time and attention. If you're building your own business, it takes even more time and dedication, especially in the beginning stages. However, I've noticed a trend where people are trying to out-martyr each other about work.

A: Hey, where were you last night? You missed happy hour.
B: I was at work. I didn't get home until after midnight.
A: Oh! Gotcha. Yeah, the other day, I didn't get home until 2 am, working on a project.
B: That's nothing. One time, I didn't even go home because of a deadline.
A: Wow. Well, that's nothing. At my last job, I had a little blow-up bed under my desk because I was staying at work so much.
B: Oh yeah? At this one job, I didn't even have an apartment, I just lived at work and showered at the gym.
A: Ha! You got to shower?! I once had a job where I lived there, didn't have enough time to shower and had to take care of the office monkey who insisted on throwing paper and banana peels at me all the time. So I win.

People! This is nothing to be proud of! We already spend 8-10 hours a day at work. And now that we're living longer, we're also working more years. When I finally take my last breath at 103 (and looking about 79), I don't want to reflect on all the years I spent working. I am more than just my career and I want to celebrate all those facets of my life that bring me joy.

So let me ask you this - are you a workaholic? Here are 9 signs that you just might be:

1. You have a work husband/wife.
2. Your family and friends are always surprised when you attend events.
3. You're attached to an IV with coffee streaming directly into your veins.
4. You have a panic attack if you can't check your email every 5 minutes.
5. You have a spare set of clothes and toiletries at your office.
6. You look down on people who work less than 10 hours.
7. Your partner moved out and it took you a week to realize it.
8. You're having regular conversations with the office monkey.
9. You have enough vacation hours that you could take 2 years off.


Some may say they are working hard to save up for their retirement. That's awesome and something that everyone should be doing. However, there's something to be said about enjoying life while we're still young enough. As we get older, there are some adventures we just won't be able to have and we'll never get that time back. Besides, no matter how much money we make, it will never feel like it's enough. It's all about achieving the live-work balance; without it, we'll burn out and have nothing left to give to anything/anyone else.

Work smarter, not harder.

Are They Really Conceited Or Is It You?

There is a huge correlation between one's self-confidence and self-esteem. Our self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves; if we feel good about ourselves, our confidence tends to run high. We believe that we have a lot to offer and that others will want to be around us. As we get older and become more accomplished, our sense of self becomes stronger and we (hopefully) feel more comfortable in our skin. To me, this is the truest definition of having confidence. However, as our confidence grows, it can precipitate jealousy and envy in others, including those we consider to be friends.

Some may argue that the confident person is conceited. Many people have a difficult time understanding the difference between the two. I believe that often, their interpretation has more to do with their own sense of self versus an intellectual deficit. If someone is insecure about themselves, a confident person may make them uncomfortable because it highlights their insecurities. Interestingly enough, I've found that many conceited people actually feel insecure; their arrogance is a way to distract others from seeing their insecurities. Here are the definitions of the two according to thefreedictionary.com:

Confidence: freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities; "his assurance in his superiority did not make him popular"; "after that failure he lost his confidence"; "she spoke with authority"

Conceited: characteristic of false pride; having an exaggerated sense of self-importance; "a conceited fool"; "an attitude of self-conceited arrogance"; "an egotistical disregard of others"; "so swollen by victory that he was unfit for normal duty"; "growing ever more swollen-headed and arbitrary"; "vain about her clothes"

If you are someone who lacks self-confidence, the world can be a difficult place to navigate. It impacts your career and your relationships; you can miss out on opportunities because you didn't speak up or want to be noticed. It's not something that can change over night, but there are several things you can do to work towards increasing your confidence, including taking an inventory of your strengths, your accomplishments, and learning how to change negative self-talk to positive. (Click on the link if you want more in-depth tips of how to improve your self-esteem and self-confidence.)

Keep in mind, that when we feel good about ourselves, there will be someone out there who wants to rain on our parade. When I was social work intern, I worked at a homeless shelter. I thought I got along well with the staff, both men and women, until I learned that some of the women didn't particularly like me. I was friends with the office manager; one day, when we went to lunch, he shared this little tidbit of information. Here's how the conversation went:

Him: Blah blah and so-and-such don't really like you too much.

Me: Oh really? How come? (perplexed expression on my face)

Him: They say you think you're all that.

Me: Oh. (Shrugging shoulders.) Well, they're right, I do think that. It doesn't mean they can't

be all that too.

Him: (Laughing)

Unfortunately, this kind of situation is not unique. We have to be careful about how our confidence is perceived, particularly in professional settings. We can't appear too confident - as women, as people of color, as being young, or whatever applies to you – because we don't know what kind of stereotypes we're combatting as we interact with co-workers and bosses. There is a delicate dance we have to engage in to make others feel comfortable, especially those in power. We don't want to give anyone a reason to try to sabotage us as we move on up.

It seems like our society negatively interprets confidence as something negative, especially for women. Apparently, when a woman has a lot of confidence, it can be perceived as threatening and intimidating to both men and women. I say boo to that! Did that situation deter me from continuing to be friendly and professional with those women? Nope. How they felt about me was their issue and didn't have anything to do with me. Clearly, they needed to listen to Mary J. Blige – no hateration in this dancery!

Have you ever had an experience when someone tried to undermine your confidence? How do you deal with people who seem conceited? Can you differentiate between confidence and being conceited? Have you had to deal with someone else's insecurities in a professional and/or personal setting?