Can We Share?

Let me tell you a story:

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, intelligent woman (we'll call her Intern) who was embarking on a very (hopefully) rewarding career path. She was able to network and connect with some strategic allies, securing an internship that could only open many doors for her when she was ready. Her mentor (and internship supervisor) assured her many times that she had a lot of talent; she just about promised Intern a job upon completion of her studies. She also introduced Intern to some key people who could also potentially offer her a job. However, when Intern connected with one of those key people (someone that outranked her supervisor and happened to be male) who was happy to help her along, her supervisor stopped being her mentor and essentially reneged on those potential job offers.

#nof*ckingway!

Theory 1: Intern suddenly developed some kind of body odor that was repulsive and disgusting and the supervisor could not even begin to imagine working with her on a permanent basis.

Theory 2: The supervisor hit her head and it wiped out any memories related to Intern and future employment.

Theory 3: A butterfly flapped its wings in Brazil, not only causing Mars to go into retrograde, but to also cause the supervisor to strongly believe that Intern may at any moment start barking like a dog while hopping up and down on one foot; she wanted to avoid all of that.

Theory 4: Pure, unadulterated hateration in the dancery.

Although I'm not in this woman's head, but I'm going to guess that theory 4 is the most accurate. While Intern may thoroughly enjoy barking like a dog while hopping up and down on one foot, she knows not to do it at work. I surmise that the supervisor felt several things (none of which were rational or based in evidence) including threatened, insecure and territorial. What makes this story most troublesome is that instead of supporting and uplifting another woman into their profession, the supervisor, who is a well-established, highly regarded veteran, chose instead to create obstacles for Intern due to these (assumed) feelings. Of course, when dealing with emotions, they can definitely be irrational. That does not mean they should be acted upon. This scenario highlights the belief that there just isn't enough to go around and every person for themselves.

Let's look at the possible feelings behind the supervisor's behavior:

1. She felt threatened. Here is this younger woman who has it together. She knows what she's talking about and has a lot of ambition. Although the supervisor has years of experience on her, she might have felt like Intern was going to replace her. It's true that Intern could replace her...many years from now when the she retires.

2. She felt insecure. Maybe Intern reminded her of when she was coming up in the profession and there were so few women at the time. Or Intern is very attractive and makes the supervisor feel less noticeable/special.

3. She felt territorial. Clearly, the Intern was stepping out of her lane by establishing a relationship that the supervisor facilitated...wait, what? Possibly, the supervisor felt like if Intern could do that, she certainly didn't need her help. How is Intern going to come up in here and start making inroads with someone who outranked her? Blasphemous!

4. She felt jealous. Maybe when she was establishing herself, she didn't have access to the kind of resources that Intern has. She had to work really hard, without any kind of help, particularly from men, because they didn't want women in the profession. If she didn't get help, why should Intern get help...at least from her?!


I could be totally wrong and over-generalizing, but this seems to happen a lot more between women in lots of situations, not just in the workplace (hello, cock-blocking). Although men have their pissing contests as well, they don't seem to be as nefarious and hateristic as they are between women. It seems as if we can't share with one another, whether it be resources or the limelight.

But why are women like this? According to this article at psychcentral.com:

Because women learn that they are not supposed to be competitive and win at others’ expense, their natural competitive spirit cannot be shared openly, happily, or even jokingly with other women. In such situations, when aggression cannot be channeled into a healthy, positive edge, it becomes inhibited and goes underground. What could have been healthy competition becomes a secret feeling of envy and desire for the other to fail – laced with guilt and shame. 

Thus, what looks like hostile competition between women may instead mask feelings of insecurity, fear of success, and healthy aggression. Women, often experts at being tuned in and sensitive to others’ feelings, may easily overidentify with other women’s insecurities, projecting how they would feel in the other’s shoes and then feeling bad about their own success. Women learn to feel guilty for feeling happy and successful – and with their female friends who may not be having such luck, they may experience their own success as hurtful to their friend. This can make it uncomfortable for a woman to share and enjoy her accomplishments with her female friends. 

The lesson behind this: be friends with mostly men.

Just kidding. Fortunately, I am surrounded by a fabulous group of women who support each others' successes and inspire one another to keep striving. So when I am confronted by this issue, it's always a little bit shocking. While I'm definitely competitive, I'm also pretty open about it (ask any of my friends) and most importantly, I am confident that there is a enough to go around. Whether it be love, attractiveness, career success, or shoes, I'm not standing in anyone's way in getting those. If anything, I would love to help you; I am a firm believer of what goes around, comes around. Luckily, it hasn't happened to me much; when/if it does, I'm not going to worry about it - there's enough for all of us.