Right before I started my freshman year of college, I got into a relationship with one Slick Nasty. As evidenced by his very lovely nickname, he was definitely someone you date when you're young and dumb. (In my defense, besides the fact that I was not quite 18 when we met, I wasn't that dumb - clearly, there was an expiration date on this relationship.) Although he wasn't my first boyfriend, he was my first adult boyfriend, with 5 years of life experience on me. However, since I knew more stuff than he did, we were pretty even. Having had exactly one boyfriend prior to Slick, I had a very limited understanding of how relationships worked. Apparently, I missed the seminar on how there must be fights; when we had our first one, it was a shock to my system. While I can't remember what the fight was about, something he said has stuck with me, all 389 years later. Are you ready? It's quite profound.
"What replies to you doesn't reply to me."
This stuck with me for 2 reasons. One, because I remember being very sensitive to his manhood and trying to subtly correct him. "If it applies to me, it does apply to you." (We had already had a very serious conversation about why I thought I was smarter than him - subtleties were not his strong suit.) The second reason was this idea that there were things he could do in our relationship but I could not. To me, that was totally ludicrous and he had no legitimate rationale. However, it came up subsequent times in my relationship with Mr. Nasty - the relationship double standard.
As we exist in a society of double standards, they are inescapable as many have been built into our understanding of gender rules and roles. Each of us comes into our relationship with an idea of how things should work based on a number of variables: family of origin, past experiences, education, emotional intelligence, personality, etc. One would hope that within our romantic relationships, there is a belief that each partner is equal. Unfortunately, regardless of sexual preference, many people do indeed have a double standard within their relationships. What's good for the goose is NOT good for the gander!
It would be easy to attribute the double standard to gender lines. And sometimes, the double standard is based on what is expected of each gender. However, it is not so black and white. Many of these relationship double standards are a confluence of gender role ideology, trust issues, selfishness and projection. Basically, it boils down to one simple concept: "I want to do what I want to do when and how I want to do it. But...that doesn't mean you get to do the same." Hence, the root cause of many arguments with Slick.
Let's be clear: this is not about the division of labor nor gender-based relationship roles. In reality, both genders benefit from their roles (as well as suffer for them). For example, it's usually the men who are tasked with the more physically laborious job. They kill the spiders, put gas in the car and take out the garbage. As a woman who dates men, I definitely benefit from that. Women tend to take on more of the household chores; they make sure everyone is wearing clean underwear, there's fruit and vegetables in the refrigerator and that you don't need shower shoes in your own bathtub. (Of course, these are generalizations based on a more traditional idea of gender roles, but even the most liberated woman doesn't like to kill spiders.) However, I'm speaking to a behavior or set of behaviors that one partner engages in, but becomes indignorant (indignant about ignorant sh*t) when their partner does the exact same thing!
Let me paint a picture for you:
Chris and Pat are out to dinner. As they are seated, a strikingly good-looking so-and-such walks by. Chris stops mid-sentence, follows the person with their eyes, and drool is practically coming out of their mouth. Now Pat, who is somewhat used to this behavior, has learned to mostly ignore it. It's bothersome and a bit rude, but Chris is pretty harmless. Their server approaches - their gorgeous server who just so happens to be Pat's type. Although Pat is pretty smooth about appreciating the server, Chris still notices and becomes outraged, talking about how rude and disrespectful it is for Pat to check someone else out - right in front of them!
D-o-u-b-l-e s-t-a-n-d-a-r-d.
Is it fair? No. Have we all done it? I'm sure most of us have at some point in our relationship history. (You may be doing it as we speak!) Some of us do it in little ways while others do it in big ways. Regardless, when we do it, we are often trying to divert attention away from our own behavior by highlighting what our partner is doing - even though it's the same thing. We become defensive, trying to show how when we do it, it's different. Deep down, we know it's not, we just don't like to look and feel like hypocrites. And some of us have an allergy to taking responsibility for our actions. It's much easier to project than to proclaim, particularly if we are in the wrong. This replies to everyone, not just men and not just women.
So if your partner has brought it to your attention that you are double standardizing* them, you owe it to them and your relationship to take a step back and try to see things from their perspective. Sometimes it helps to ask a third party because some of your beliefs may be so deeply ingrained, it's difficult to recognize that they may always be skewed in your favor. It's also an opportunity to see where these ideas are coming from. What's at the root of these thoughts/feelings/beliefs? Is it mistrust? Are you being selfish? Is this how things were in your family? If this is something that's troublesome in your relationship, you will figure out how to compromise; otherwise, this issue will come up again and again and could cause significant damage to your relationship. Although we all know life isn't fair, there are some things that should at least be close.
Even if you are the one that has to kill the spiders all the time.
*If you or someone you know is being double standardized, please do not hesitate to get help by calling 1-800-HPO-CRIT. (Uh, yes, I made that up.)
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