The Palate Cleanser

 

You're not sure why or how it happened, but it happened. You woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and decided - now that you've made it to a certain age, it's time to upgrade your dining game. You pull out your wallet and take out all your frequent dining cards. Goodbye Chevy's, goodbye Olive Garden, peace out Applebee's. (Of course you don't throw them away, but you acknowledge that you're only going to use them for special occasions, like when you have a craving for a margarita in glass larger than your head.)

Inspired by your sudden grown-upedness, you make a reservation for you and a guest to try out the famous French bistro, Sacrebleu! You don't know much about French food, but hear that it's magnifique and since you're a big kid now, you'll be eating that gourmet sh*t on the regular. You get all fancy, head to the restaurant and get ready to enjoy some glorious grub. They start bringing out various nibbles, otherwise known as appetizers. And then...what's this? Holy pomme frites Batman, it appears they serve dessert in between different courses. Score, because you love some sorbet. Your server overhears you talking about this with your companion and gently corrects you. "No, no, it's not dessert. It's called a palate cleanser, so you can appreciate the different flavors of each course."

Wow. Those Frenchies are fancy.

To those who prefer the simpler fare of Chili's, it probably sounds silly to eat fruity ice in between your southwestern eggrolls and baby back ribs. But for those who like to try complicated dishes with unrecognizable names, it's necessary because you want to be able to appreciate the complex nuances of each ingredient that complements and enhances each flavor (I'm beginning to sound a little fancy myself!).

So what's the point (besides embarrassing you about your fondness for endless breadsticks) of this lengthy analogy?

There are palate cleansers in life, especially when it comes to relationships! Whew, I was working really hard to get that out. Sorry it took so long.

After a break up, whether it's good or bad, it's usually a good idea to take a dating hiatus. However, many of us feel like it's a good idea to hook up with someone else. This is known as the Rebound. The Rebound tends to be someone you don't consider a suitable mate, but they're a perfect distraction while you recover from your last relationship. Rebounds typically last a few months; however, according to urban legend, some rebounds turn into the next relationship.*

The Palate Cleanser doesn't always come immediately after a relationship. It may sometimes come after The Rebound. While it also tends to be a short-lived interaction or eventually have a foreseeable expiration date, there are several differences between it and the Rebound.

1. This is actually someone you take seriously (and out in public).
2. They treat you well (way better than your ex).
3. If you haven't completely gotten over your ex, they seal the deal.
4. They help you remember how awesome you are and that you have a lot to offer.


The Palate Cleanser becomes the Palate Cleanser retrospectively; the Rebound is generally intentional and often sexual. What the PC does is get you ready for your next real relationship. There's usually relationship amnesia after a break-up; it's easy to forget that relationships can be full of love and happiness. We get stuck in the muck and the mire of what went wrong and we only remember the emotional fatigue and bitterness that pulled us apart. While the Rebound is mindless fun, the PC has the potential to turn into something serious.  And that was the fun...being excited about the potential. Over time, maybe about a month or two, you learn that you're not compatible.Whether it's because their flaws include emotional laziness or not consistently taking a shower, there is an end date to your dating. However, the experience of learning that was enjoyable. It reminded you that there are good people out there, that you're still in the game and that the person you became in your former relationship was just a symptom of the relationship, not who you are. They served their purpose: to cleanse your palate.

Bring on the snails! You are ready for the next course.

A Grand Old Flag

Do you remember that song? Shockingly, I can. Although I can barely remember what I wore the day before, I can remember one of the many patriotic songs my 6th grade teacher made us sing after we recited the Pledge of Allegiance. Crazy how the brain works. However, this is not a treatise to the American flag. This is about the flag we often try to deny exists - the vibrantly bright red flag.

All of us have our quirks, idiosyncrasies, unique traits (aka issues) that can make us both amazingly different and terrifically annoying to others and sometimes to ourselves. None of us are baggage-free; I cannot reiterate enough that we ALL have issues. Those issues tend to become more evident when we get involved with other people, whether it be a romantic or platonic situation. When we enjoy being in the company of others, we make a decision if their quirks are tolerable enough to pursue a relationship. Many times we say yes; we know we're special too and we're being just as tolerated.


When we start a relationship, both of us are bringing the version of our best selves to the table. It's a courting ritual that happens in all types of relationships. When you start a new job, you are always on time and you are super friendly to everyone, asking about their kids and bringing in pastries. You want to remind them that they hired the right candidate (and make it out of the probation period when they can fire you just because). Look at that same person a year later - they've gotten comfortable getting to work at 10 and they only bring donuts for their work friends. They kept their punctuality issue under wraps until they felt secure enough to be their true, tardy selves.

Going into relationships with people, we know this is something that will eventually show itself. It takes time to build trust that you can showcase your issues without being rejected or abandoned. Part of our relationships is an exchange of baggage: I'll wear your backpack if you help me carry my duffel bag. (Keep in mind that exchange should be pretty equal; I'm not carrying your purse, laptop bag, and trunk while you're holding on to my makeup bag.) That's why it's important to have a vetting process before you fully allow someone to be a part of your life. Run a credit check, look in their medicine cabinets, see if they like to torture animals...no? Too far? Okay, how about this? Spend some time with them (duh) and pay attention. While it seems fairly simple, I think many people forget about the paying attention part. We get caught up in having a new friend/job/baby boo and forget that we're supposed to figure out if this relationship is actually going to work. Our excitement about our shiny and new situation often blinds us to those little (and sometimes ginormous) red flags. Five months later, we look up and can't figure out how we got in the middle of a sh*t storm.

We forgot to vet them.

Even though our representative is in the building during the initial building phase of the relationship, there are little indicators of what's actually brewing beneath the surface. Whether it's in a story they tell us about other relationships or something they do that doesn't quite feel right, we are so enamored, we give them the benefit of the doubt. "They'd never do that to me," we think. Or "I'm reading way too much into this situation." There's nothing wrong with giving someone the benefit of the doubt. People grow, people change. However, the problem is when we ignore what they are showing and telling us about themselves and deny the real possibility that they haven't changed. That's how we find ourselves wrestling in red jello with a one-legged hobo in the middle of January. Know what I mean?

Considering you'll never, ever find someone without their issues, your goal is not to avoid all relationships; it's to take the time to figure out if you want one with a specific person. The vetting process is about gathering information and figuring out if you can tolerate their issues and vice versa. Red flags don't necessarily mean the relationship can't happen; you just have to be aware of them and if they are incongruent with what you want in your relationship. If there is incongruence, it's important for you to have the courage to either end the relationship or change the way in which you interact. Otherwise, you will find yourself face to face with a one-legged hobo.

And it's too cold in January to wrestle in red jello. (Now chocolate pudding is a whole 'nother story!)

You Down With BPD?

"Yeah, you know me!"

"Yep, I sure do."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Uh, it just means that I know you."

"You don't know me! You never knew me and you never will! You just think you know everything don't you? You're sooooo damn smart! I bet you know everything about everybody all the time. You're so arrogant. That's why I can't stand you."

"Ummmmm..."

I promise, I was not ear hustling when you had almost this exact conversation recently. You know this person, don't you? They are your parent/partner/coworker/friend. No matter what you say or do, it's wrong. Unless it's a Wednesday. On Wednesdays, you are the most perfectest angel and they love everything about you. Except for Wednesdays that happen to be the last day of the month...if they end on the 31st. If they end on the 30th, there's a 50% chance that everything you do will be awesome but everything you say will be devastating. But only in the morning. And then there are Saturdays...

Are you thoroughly confused? Can this person leave you feeling both elated and drained, regardless if it's a Wednesday morning or the 31st of a month that ends in Y? Do you feel like you're going crazy? You, my friend, may be dealing with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

What exactly is BPD? According to www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov, BPD is the following:

Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships.

People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly. People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.

Other symptoms of BPD include:

• Fear of being abandoned
• Feelings of emptiness and boredom
• Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
• Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
• Intolerance of being alone
• Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

Is this beginning to sound familiar? Do your toes hurt from always walking around on the tips? This is not to say that all difficult people have BPD. However, if you find that your interactions with them leave you frazzled, upset, flummoxed, and discombobulated just about all the time, you might want to check their behaviors against the above symptom list.

Like most mental health disorders, there's no concrete determination about what causes BPD. Genetics, family dysfunction levels, sexual/physical abuse are thought to have some correlation, but there's no definitive connection between those issues and BPD. Essentially, this person does not know how to regulate their emotions; they tend to go above and beyond what's appropriate for the situation and they are very black and white in their thinking. Unfortunately, people who have BPD are often the most difficult to treat because it requires insight, self-awareness and the ability to take responsibility for their feelings and behaviors. This group of folks are not known for having those skills, hence the reason most of their relationships are tumultuous and unstable.

Shhh! If you listen carefully, you'll hear the sound of a bunch of light bulbs turning on. Yes, it's cousin Will! Yes, it's that nightmare crazy beezy from HR! Yes, it's your baby boo! And no, you're not crazy after all!

Please release your sigh of relief now.

How can you best deal with someone who has BPD? I say run like a cheetah. Okay, okay, I guess people with BPD need love too.* (And sometimes, you may not have that option.) BPs feel the most comfortable in chaos and drama so it's up to you to set boundaries and not become a part of it. They will resort to all kinds of tactics to draw you in, whether it be to accuse you of lying all the time, assassinating your character or playing on your vulnerabilities. Considering the fact that you are human, it can be quite the challenge to resist engaging. We all feel defensive when baseless accusations are made against us; that is when the duel begins. Regardless of how verbally skilled you are, you will lose because BPs seldom know what it means to be rational. And the drama continues.

If you are dealing with someone with BPD, there are resources and support groups out there to help you; I've included links to two articles with some tips. The one thing I encourage you to remember: this is not your sh*t; you cannot fix them...even if it's the second Sunday of the first month of summer with the promise of pancakes for dinner on the roof of a hatchback Nova.


*Although people with BPD can be difficult to contend with, they can also be wonderful, insightful people who are continuously working on managing their symptoms. 

The Jesus Year

Prior to my friend turning 33, I'd never heard of this concept of the Jesus Year. It may have had something to do with me being a heathen, but since it wasn't quite my turn to be 33, it also wasn't something to be concerned about. According to my friend, your Jesus year is when you turn 33 and everything magically falls into place. It's all about transitioning and transforming, growing into your true, adult self. I could get with it being called the Jesus year - it is rather magical to walk on water and if I could transform water into wine, I'd be the life of every party! Now that I'm about to turn 34, I only have one thing to say about being 33: Thank you Jesus, I'm glad it's almost over!

Yeah, 33 was NOT a magical year for me.

Before I start recounting all the terrible, horrible things that have happened this year, I will say this - they weren't truly that terrible or horrible. I still have all my fingers and toes, most of my faculties, and everyone I love is in relatively good health. I have a job, I'm surrounded by an amazing community of people, and I'm taller than your average chick. I don't want to sound whiney, complainy or ungrateful-y or put a bunch of negativity in the universe. My life is pretty good, has been pretty good and I believe will continue to be pretty good, possibly even fantastically awesome.

Great! Now that my gratitude to the universe is out of the way, let's talk about how this past year has been transformativeiin a really emotionally uncomfortable way.

Love: I was in love with Sexy Heroin (still!) and no matter how low I set my expectations, he managed to disappoint me anyway. (Really, a FB message shout out on my Jesus birthday? Not even a text?! SMH. #I'mnotbitter.) Boo. I met someone else and dated him. Yay. Until he got all freaked out about commitment. Boo. But I was able to let that go very quickly. Yay. And then got caught up with Sexy Heroin again. Boo. Finally I just quit all men, particularly Sexy Heroin. Yay.

Career: I was totally in love with my job when I was 32 and a half. A mere 6 months later, I was disillusioned, dissatisfied and done. What do you do with all that training and student loan debt? Who cares, I wanted out. And what did I want to be? Right, no clue. The whole prima ballerina thing was out and I was too old to be cast on the Real World so my options seemed limited. After being stressed and depressed about it for quite some time, I finally made a decision - clown school!

Friends: Actually, this area in my life has stayed consistently good. So to all my friends, I have this to say: Thank you for being a friend. Travel down the road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidante. And if you threw a party, and you invited everyone you knew, you would see, the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say, "Thank you for being a friend." *



Money: So, so little. So, so sad. What else is there to say? While I'm not broke, I am rarely content with the amount of money in my checking account. Do you know how exhausting it is to count every penny, nickel and dime? Riiiiiiiiiiiigghht, we're still recovering from the economic crisis of the Bush years. Still, I would like to buy a pair of shoes (everyday) without feeling a little guilty about it or worrying about my credit card debt (everyday). Yes, I know, it's that first-world drama sh*t. Forgive me.

Health/Mental Health: Overall, my health was fine. My knees started loudly complaining about working out, but generally speaking, it was good. However, I could not figure out how to make my booty bigger. Squats, lunges, running up the stairs...nothing. Does that count as health? Maybe that's more of a mental health issue. If you could imagine, all of these things that were not going right were making me feel wrong. Although I wasn't good at being depressed, I was getting better at it over this past year. All of these things were causing me to feel nauseous and giving me tension headaches. When was this "magical" year going to be over?!

2 more days.

Interestingly enough, a funny thing started to happen about 3 months ago. I relaxed into a state of radical acceptance. I stopped looking at how things were going wrong and focused on accepting them for what they were; only then could I actually make any necessary adjustments. This attitude shift is when more positive things began happening in my life. Work became more interesting. I started making a little bit of extra money. I started developing new skills to add to my resume. I took a vacation and was able to chill out and de-stress. And my love life...I'm going to keep that to myself, but I'm not sad about it.

I realize now that this year wasn't about the magic, it was about the transformation. Though this isn't the first time change and growth has happened for me, this is the first time I can actually see it happening and be present with it. It isn't something that I realized when looking back at various life events, it is something that I am doing and making happen. While I feel like this year has been very difficult, I walked away with this: things don't fall into place; you have to grab them, move them around and put them where you want. Otherwise, you'll just keep waiting for magic.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go practice turning water into wine. How else am I going to substantially improve my financial situation?



*All from memory, it's okay to be impressed.

The End of the Road

You move to Motownphilly for an exciting job opportunity. As expected, it's a little tough out there on the social scene, but you're finally invited to a party. You meet some folks and start hanging out. It's at brunch/happy hour/the club when you meet that person, your future baby boo. Before you know it, your life is in full swing once again. Yay, happy times!

Until they're not.

You're not sure how it happened, but like a too-tight sweater, your relationship doesn't fit anymore. You don't laugh as easily, the level of affection has declined, you bicker and argue all the time; you're just not interested in them anymore. When they say they'll make love to you, you say no thanks. Regardless of the reason, the water has run dry. Yet, you don't leave. You stay, trapped in a miserable relationship. Why? I mean, it seems straightforward enough - if you're unhappy and disinterested, you should leave. Right?


If only it were that easy, but sympin' never is.

One of the most important elements of humanity is attachment. It (hopefully) starts with our parents/primary caregivers; that attachment often sets the stage for how we make friends and form intimate relationships. Within those relationships, whether it's with a romantic partner, family member or friends, we allow the other person to see our truest self - eye boogers, morning breath and all. They've seen you at your best and your worst; how do you end it with someone who knows you so intimately?

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

That's why we stay. Despite the unhappiness, the craziness, the misery, it's difficult to imagine your life without this person in it. They know you and you know them. You've shared experiences and stories and secrets; they know about your abandonment issues and you know about their mommy issues. They know how to brighten your day and make you feel better. You know the exact ratio of peanut butter to jelly to put on their sandwich. There's all this love and history...how can you say goodbye to it?

Oh right, you're frickin' miserable.

And probably more than a little scared, particularly if this is a romantic relationship. What if this is the only person in the whole wide world that can stand you? What if you never meet anyone else who understands and supports your habit of having dark chocolate (which is good for you because it has antioxidants or something in it) for breakfast and cursing like a sailor? Will the next person inspire enough comfort for you to go boo boo in their bathroom? Most importantly, how are you going to deal with the pain? These unknown answers can be enough to make you stay...despite the unhappiness, craziness and misery. And until you are able to accept that this person will no longer be a part of your life, until you are able to move past your fear, you will stay.

Thanks For Screwing Me, Mom and Dad!

Regardless of race, gender, education, socioeconomic status and any other variable, there are a couple of universal truths about people. 1. We all like to talk about ourselves. 2. Our point of view is the most legitimate. 3. The person who is driving sooooooooooooo slowly in front of you is doing it intentionally to make you late (because they are a poorly raised, inconsiderate, no driving skills having jerk-offs who have no concept of time and are being rude and disobedient). However, the one that comes up the most often (and the reason people come to my office) is that people have issues! Your issues may look different from the person sitting next to you at the bar, but both of you have them.

And who are to blame for these issues? That's right, Mumsy and Dada.

It's unavoidable, your parents have f*cked you up in some way or the other. Whether it's your fear of abandonment, your aversion to intimacy or the need to be spanked and told that you've been very naughty in public, many of these issues stem from your relationships with your primary caregivers. Of course, this is a gross generalization; other relationships and experiences also influence how you perceive the world. However, it's the relationship that you have with your parents that have a significant influence on how you relate to others, in both positive and negative ways. The coldest part about it - we often don't realize how all of this plays out. It's on such a subconscious level, we don't see that we have these issues until they somehow bitch-slap us in the face. And that's if we're lucky. Some of us are destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over again because we can't see how we keep playing out these (sometimes dysfunctional) roles in our relationships with friends, co-workers and lovers.

Isn't that awesome? We can totally blame someone else for our shenanigannery and ridiculosity.

Hold up...aren't you a grown up? No? Carry on then, keep blaming your parents for being a douche. And continue to call them Mumsy and Dada.

For those of us who are adults, there comes a certain point in our lives that we can no longer hold our parental units responsible for our issues. While our relationship with them may be the root cause of some of our behavior and choices, we have the ability to do something different. We are not under contract to continue to perform the same old roles that may have been handed down generation to generation. We can stop being abusive/needy/insecure/bitter people if we want to. We can stop punishing our loved ones and holding them responsible for the mistakes of our parents. And for good measure, we can also try to forgive our parents. That doesn't mean you have to welcome them into your life with open arms, especially if they caused you a lot of pain and trauma, but it could be a huge relief to let go of any anger and resentment toward them. After all, they're just people who were f*cked up by their parents, same as you.*
 
It can be quite an undertaking to acknowledge and work on some of these issues; many folks aren't ready to do that. Having someone else to blame for your mistakes is so much easier than taking responsibility for them. However, until you do, you will also remain a powerless victim of your past. Unfortunately, you can't change the past (unless you're one of those time travelers, but then you could seriously upset the balance in the universe and something crazy like Mitt Romney becoming president might happen), but you can always change your present. There are plenty of people who are professionally skilled in helping you do that.


I double-dog dare you to work those mommy/daddy issues out and move forward in your life. Actually, I'm triple-dog daring you. Now what?




*By the way, if you have procreated or are planning to, you too will also f*ck up your children in some form. It's okay, it's part of your job description; they wouldn't be normal if you didn't.

All Good Things Come to Those Who Wait?

It was my senior year of high school. As I changed my clothes, a classmate (not a friend) asks me if I was still a virgin. Although it really was none of her business, I thought nothing of it when I said yes. Her response was "Stay that way," and she walked out. Um, okay. I didn't understand what she was talking about; to this day, I still don't as I remain a virgin.

Hahahahahaha. I couldn't even write that with a straight face!

As an adult, I now can recognize the wisdom in my classmate's words. As young, stupid, horny teenagers, many of us were in a hurry to be deflowered. If you were lucky, you lost your virginity to someone who cared about you, maybe even puppy-loved you a little bit and it's a cherished memory. Maybe you had rules and regulations; you had to be together this long before you would do this, and that long before you would do that. But once you start having sex, it's difficult to go back to not having sex. A lot of those rules and regulations get thrown out the window, right along with your drawls.

What are the rules of sex? According to Jill Scott, you should wait until the 5th date, to make sure that they're worthy (and not crazy). Some folks say you should do it when it feels right. Others say one should adhere to the 90 day rule. Unfortunately, most of these rules are the responsibility of the woman (in a heterosexual situation) to uphold. Men are encouraged to see how far they can get, but to be respectful of a woman's boundaries. This is not to say that some men don't have their own rules about sex; I just haven't talked to those guys.

Considering the all the potential pratfalls of sex (unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, no orgasm), many of us have a very casual attitude about it. There are all kinds of casual sexual relationships - booty calls, friends with benefits, out of town dalliances - all of which can be fantastic for those who engage in them. However, can having sex early impede the development of true feelings for someone else? Can it get in the way of getting to know someone or does it merely enhance the experience?

There's no absolute way to determine that, as each of us has varied experiences that contribute to our beliefs and feelings about sex. Yet, there seems to be an underlying belief that if a woman has sex with a man too soon, the chance of their encounter leading to a serious relationship diminishes greatly. For some folks, their goal is to not be in a relationship, so they're as happy as clams getting laid with no-strings. But for those who want to be in a relationship, sex can be difficult to navigate.

So should you wait?

If you're attracted to someone and really like them, there's a good chance there is some kind of emotion involved (for both men and women). When emotions are involved, sex becomes a lot more than a naked indoor sport. It can be easy to have a false sense of intimacy with someone you don't quite know yet nor have sorted out all your feelings. Of course, you're not going to know everything you need to before having sex, but is one date (or even 5 dates) enough time to figure out if you really like this person, so much so that you would allow them to see your scars and stretch marks (not to mention your awkward O face)?

So should you wait?

Yes.
No.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
No.

It depends. If your goal is merely to get some, get some! If you want to get to know this person, you might could wait a little while...after all, it's really hard to ask about their favorite movie in the midst of doing it. It's really up to you and your potential partner to decide what's right for the both of you. Sex isn't going to go anywhere, so take as much time as you need, whether it's 3 months, 3 weeks, 3 days or 3 minutes.

I hope it's more than 3 minutes though. Slut. ;)

BBD

It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, but the minute BBD's "Poison" comes on, I am immediately compelled to do the Running Man. Old Navy, the street corner, my car (a true sight to behold), my bathroom...I'm doing the Running Man regardless of where I am.* Luckily, over the last 20 years, I've honed my dancing skills; it's rare that I'm off-beat (but only in this scenario - I still count my steps in Turbo Kickboxing) so I feel no shame that as I wait in line to try on skirts at H&M, I'm breaking a sweat in front of random strangers.

Bell, Biv, DeVoe, thank you for bringing me so much joy...but I'm not talking about you.

I'm talking about the other BBD - the bigger, better deal. While it may have nothing in common with the group, it is kind of like poison. When we're constantly searching for the BBD, we often overlook what we have. Our desire for something better can poison us against the good things we already have in our lives. We miss out on experiences, on people, on opportunities because we are keeping our options open for the bigger, better deal.
  
Does this mean you shouldn't want what's better or best? Of course not. There's nothing wrong with having goals; it's important that we continue to strive towards growth and improvement. However, it's problematic when you are perpetually dissatisfied. Nothing is as good as better. This search for a unicorn in a field of four-leaf clovers will only lead to analysis paralysis; you can spend your whole life looking for the BBD and wind up with nothing because you're so afraid that the next opportunity/shoe sale/baby boo that comes along will be even better.

This does not mean I'm advocating settling; I'm advocating for finding the balance between being content and making the best of what you have while keeping your eyes and ears open for the bigger, better deal. Though this does not always reply apply to every situation, it can be applicable to most things we deal with. For example, you are unhappy with your job. Given this economy, it's probably not the best idea to quit without having something line up. However, letting people know that you're looking for something new while focusing on the aspects of your current job that don't suck is a good way to find balance (and to minimize your desire to go postal). You get to keep your paycheck and still be proactive about finding the bigger, better job.

I know, it's easier said than done. Many of us have been taught at an early age to want the betterest thing, whatever that may be. We feel like a$$holes when we find out that what we have isn't the best, even if it's what we truly want.

I was recently reminded of this while on vacation with a friend. We were being pressured to buy a timeshare. Admittedly, they got me last time, so I already have one. When I told the salesman about the deal I have, he began telling me how his offer was better. I went into this presentation knowing that I was not going to buy anything, but I will admit, it was tempting. They use all kinds of Jedi mind trickeration to get people to purchase their timeshares, but what made me even briefly consider it (besides the free mimosas) was the idea of better. They had access to some really nice hotels, hotels that may be nicer that some of the ones I can access. Was I missing out on the bigger, better deal? Not really. Yet, I actually considered it because my fear was that I was missing out.

The irony - I haven't even used the plan I already have to even know what would be better! See how that mind trickeration works? Sneaky timeshare sales people Jedis.

~ Please close your office door before hitting play. I do not take any responsibility for anyone who compulsively starts to do the Running Man at work.

 

*Yes, I was listening to it while I was writing, but I had to turn it off because it's hard to type and do the Running Man at the same time.

My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me

Intelligent. Strong. Fun. Nice. Talented. Loving. Sophisticated. Exciting. Feminine. Masculine. Handsome. Pretty. Tall. Petite. Athletic. Curvy. Sexy. Beautiful. Spirited. Friendly. Skinny. Funny. Confident. Compassionate. Sweet. Creative. Ambitious. Hard-working. Amiable. Fit. Survivor. Sensitive. Courageous. Calm. Statuesque. Down to earth. Laid back. Tenacious. Driven.

Enough about me, let's talk about you.

Kidding, I'm kidding!

I know those are only a few of the thousands of adjectives we may use to describe ourselves. Yes, those are generally the more positive ones, but how often do we use the less positive ones? Hopefully, we're aware that they do exist and we are truthful with ourselves about how they pertain to us. There's nothing wrong with seeing yourself with rose-tinted glasses; it's actually a great coping strategy for getting along in such a competitive world. In order to sell ourselves, whether it be to a potential job, partner or friend, we have to believe in what we're selling. (If we're selling ourselves, does that mean we're our own pimps? Hmmm, ponderate on that.) But what happens when how we see ourselves collides with how we are behaving?

Yeah, my brain hurts too.

So are we lying to ourselves? Are we big ole hypocrites? Of course we are, we're human! As I've stated before, there's a certain level of denial that all of us operate under to protect ourselves from dwelling and ruminating on our flaws. However, when we continuously ignore the incongruence between our behavior and how we define ourselves, it's very easy to become emotionally and developmentally stagnant.

That probably makes more sense in my head. Here are some examples:

1. Your friend who always talks about how ready s/he is to get married and have children but is the epitome of commitment phobia.
2. The person who describes themselves as athletic but can barely breathe walking up the stairs.
3. Your co-worker who says they are hard-working but gets to work late, leaves early and passes their responsibilities on to others.
4. The person who says they are punctual but often shows up late.
5. Calling yourself a night-owl when you can barely stay up past 10 pm.

Of course, we are not going to be how we describe ourselves all the time. I would describe myself as intelligent, but do you know how many times I've parked in front of someone's driveway?! (It's by the grace of the parking angels that I haven't been towed...yet.) We all have our moments of contradictory behavior. However, there comes a point when your behavior may be an indication that you truly aren't the way you think you are.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It could be an indicator of growth and/or that we're engaging in healthier behavior. For example, a friend of mine would easily describe themselves as athletically challenged. Yet they've started training for a 5K event and go running several times a week. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Some people choose to ignore or find ways to justify their incongruent behavior. They tell themselves they can't do something or they can't change because of whatever excuse reason. Well, Can't lives on Won't street. (Thanks, A.S.) When we keep living in denial, we're missing the opportunity to either make necessary changes in our lives or to truly embrace who we are and the choices we make.

Although there were numerous reasons for me to leave Sexy Heroin alone a long time ago, none of them were compelling enough to me...until I started feeling like I couldn't respect myself. How I saw myself as a person and being involved with SH at the same time started to conflict. How could I truly be this self-aware, self-confident, and emotionally intelligent woman and deal with him at the same time? It didn't add up. I had 3 options: 1. continue to ignore these thoughts and feelings 2. change how I see myself to accommodate my unhealthy situationship or C. leave him alone so that I could continue believe myself to be all those things. I (finally) chose C.

I'll be damned if I have to start describing myself as a weak-willed, emotionally-flagellating sucker for bulls*it!

I Quit You

                            

Dear Men,

I really love you...a lot. Some of you are so sexy, so smart and smell really good. I like the way you walk, the bass in your voice and your facial hair. You know how to make me laugh when I need to and can be very comforting when I'm having a rough day. Some of you give really good hugs and know how to make a woman feel valued and loved. You guys are awesome and I appreciate you.

Unfortunately, none of the guys I've dated recently fall into the awesomeness category. I've been dating or entangled with the others, you know, the chicken nuggets. These are the ones that give you awesome men a bad name and are ruining the image of all men, awesome ones included. Based on my personal experience, there seems to be a lot of them, whether you meet them organically or through the interwebs. Obviously, there are some good ones out there, but I think my friends married them already. And for some reason, they don't travel in packs.

Sigh.

What's that? You want to laugh at my pain? Okay, fine, I'll share. But please, do not judge me by the choices I've made. I've been hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray. As women, we're constantly being told that our requirements are unrealistic and we all want to find a unicorn in a field of 4-leaf clovers that are tended by leprechauns with pots of gold and whatnot. So I've tried my best to keep an open mind; however, an open mind has led to some very...interesting dating experiences.

1. Sexy Heroin - this guy has been around off and on for an embarrassing amount of time. I'm currently in detox mode, hence the reason I attempted to start dating again. However, after some of the dates I've had, it's no wonder I kept going back! (See what I did there, I said kept, as in the past tense, as I'm not going back no more times in the present or the future...but all prayers and words of encouragement are welcome!)

2. Around the Way Guy - (Not as the male counterpart to LL's "Around the Way Girl," which is still a great song, btw.) Oakland is a fairly small town dressed up to look like a medium-sized city. So of course, you see the same folks repeatedly over the years. AWG and I had been introduced a couple times (and there was the drunken neck biting incident of '09, but I digress and no, I wasn't the biter), had folks in common and sometimes saw each other at the gym. He finally asked me out. Nothing was really that wrong with him; he was great on paper. However, he thought that his stories of excessive drinking and smoking pot during college days were totally enthralling and that it was appropriate to let me know he was checking out my booty.

3. Doppelganger Guy - I'd seen this guy several times at the grocery store and he looked like the twin brother of a guy I once was crazy about. Yes, I have a type, okay? Our paths had crossed enough for us to actually go out on a date. The first date was good; conversation flowed, he made me laugh and I thought he was attractive. The 2nd date was alright. Less to talk about, but still, I had hope. The third date...there wasn't one. "You didn't get my text to call me so we can reschedule?" Uh, no, negro, that's when you pick up the phone and call me. When he started talking about how modern technology can be so unreliable, all hope was gone.

4. Drunken Irish Guy - Although I immediately noticed that he actually was not 5'10, I let it slide because we were at least eye level. Lunch with a few drinks led to him trying to make out with me at the bar. I'm pretty sure I didn't extend an invitation for him to slip me the tongue, but um, okay. We proceed to another bar and as he leans in, tongue extended, I'm forced to put my foot down. "Yeah, I'm really not into the whole making out at the bar scene." "Oh, okay, I hear you." He must have started pouring the 6 subsequent beers in his ears, because he seemed unable to hear me when I kept saying I didn't want to kiss him. After he became the obnoxious, drunken Irish guy, I took it as my cue to exit.

5. 5150 Guy - For those of you who are not fully acquainted with the penal code, 5150 means involuntary psychiatric hold (aka cray-cray). I sensed this guy was toeing the very fine line between different-weird and different-interesting, but was willing to give him a shot because he was attractive and 6'2. Within the first 2 minutes of our date, it was confirmed - he was different-crazy. Besides the fact that he talked at me the entire time, his choice of topics ranged from being connected to the biorhythms of the city and how he didn't have enough currency to travel internationally (or pay for a meal at Chipotle, apparently). When he mentioned that people who are 5150'd aren't the insane ones, that they're actually the most intelligent people and that's why they are feared, my spidey sense told me that he's been 5150'd at least once in his life. I don't need to date the population with whom I work, m'kay?


Henceforth, therewith, me done. As a preventative step from becoming the queen of all bitter b*tches, I've decided to recuse myself from the dating scene. Clearly, the universe is letting me know that right now, there are other things I need to focus on, including my full recovery from Sexy Heroin. Besides, I'm quite exhausperated (exhausted from being exasperated all the time) anyway. 

The Silent Treatment

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That was my rendition of the silent treatment in a blog. Obviously, I could just not write anything, but how would you know that I was giving you the silent treatment? It's only effective if the person knows that you are intentionally not talking to them. But why would I give you the silent treatment? Could it be that you're not reading my blog consistently? Or maybe you're not commenting? How about you haven't reposted it on FB or Twitter enough times? Maybe I'm in a bad mood and deciding to take it out on you. Or it could be that I'm tired of green monkeys wearing blue tutus to the after party at the taco truck. Whatever the reason, I'm not telling you because I'm not talking to you. Did you peep the ellipses?

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Wait, where are you going? I'm not done giving you the silent treatment.

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Okay, I think I'm done now.

Anyone who has been on the receiving end of the silent treatment will tell you that it is extremely frustrating dealing with someone who stops talking to you...for no apparent reason. Obviously, there is a reason, but because your friend/boo/family member/co-worker is no longer in communication, you are left alone to jump to conclusions. Did you forget a birthday? Did you ignore the thing they asked you not to ignore? Did you say something spectacularly wrong? Clearly, it's the green monkeys in blue tutus because what else can it be?

As a mature adult, the best way to deal with a silent treatment is to let your silent tormentor know that you understand they are feeling some kind of way. When they are ready to have a conversation about the issue, you are ready to listen and you are here for them. You are willing and able to work on the relationship with them. Then y'all can hold hands and sing Kumbaya.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhht. And those green monkey are chilling at my house right now.

Forget about the mature adult, let's talk about us, the real adults. I don't know about you, but I don't like being punished like I'm a child. That's exactly what the silent treatment is - punishment. The silent tormentor feels that you've aggrieved them in some kind of way, so to "teach" you not to do that again, they withdraw and withhold.

Not cool.

Again, your response could be really mature and thoughtful. But if I'm being treated like a child, I just might act like one. "Oh, you're giving me the silent treatment. Well, I'm giving it right back to you." When the original tormentor is done being mad, you're now upset and silently treatmenting them back. And guess what? Nothing gets resolved. What ends up happening is that resentment and frustration build up because needs are not getting met and the original issue doesn't get dealt with. It also sets up an unhealthy and childish relationship dynamic in which no one is communicating. You can forget all about singing Kumbaya.

Now some may argue that they disengage because they don't want to say something out of anger. If you feel you cannot appropriately regulate your anger, it's important that you acknowledge that before taking a time out. Telling your tormentee that you are feeling some kind of way right now and will talk to them when you have calmed down is one of the best things you can do. While they may still suffer through trying to figure out what they did to upset you, at least they know there's a reason for your silence. It will also decrease the likelihood they will try to punish you back. However, don't leave them hanging for too long. If you want your relationship to be a happy and healthy one, it's crucial to keep the lines of communication open. After all, how are they going to know about your green monkey fatigue if you don't tell them?

History vs. His Story

"I heard that he went as far as to get her a ring, ask her to marry him and then left her at the altar!"
"She has 3 kids by 3 baby daddies!"
"S/he has a new boo every other week!"
"His nickname is Can't Keep a Job."
"She likes older men with a lot of money."

The list goes on and on about what can be said about someone's life. While all those statements may be true about your sister/neighbor/cousin/boss, there's always the story behind it. There's a reason why they chose their path, a reason that explains their behavior. Often we don't have the whole story, but are more than ready to make snap judgments about the person who's story we're telling.

"I would never talk to him/her again if they treated me that way!"
"S/he should really be careful about making all those babies! I don't want to pay for them!"
"S/he's so trifling. They're too old to play these games."
"Can't Keep A Job, Can't Keep a Mate is what I say!"
"She ain't nothing but a gold digger. She don't mess with no broke..."

Although our judgments may truly hit the nail on the head, many times we forget there's an actual living, breathing person involved in the story. A human. A flawed, imperfect human. To us, it's just another example of how people are stupid and make dumb-ass mistakes. It makes us feel better about ourselves, because we would never, ever, ever deal with that trifling BS. Right?

Ha!

We often conveniently forget that we have our own story as well. If someone were to tell some of your stories, how would you sound? I'm going to guess you probably sound like a hot mess...just like the rest of us. When we do it, it's okay because we have "serious reasons" and "genuine explanations." Do any of these statements sounds familiar?

"I'm trying to find myself."
"This is my truth."
"Not everyone, especially me, wants to take the traditional path."
"I believe in an unconventional life."
"I manage 19 people."
"I like living frugally, it's really teaching me the value of money."
"S/he doesn't know what s/he wants, but I know that s/he really loves me."

I'm going to go out on a limb - I bet those people we're talking about have the same "serious reasons" for their behavior that we have for our own.

Why do we do this?

Psychobabble reason: we must see ourselves in the most positive light as to not cause ourselves psychic stress in an already highly stressful world. It allows us to continue to build relationships and have life experiences because we can trust ourselves to make the most sense out of situations that may not always make the most sense.*

Real reason: we are full of sh*t and like to live in denial.

When we make excuses for ourselves, we are not dealing with the root cause of our issues or confronting the behavior. Ironically, we're surprised when it keeps on happening. Or really, when we keep on doing it. Many people like to live in denial because then they don't have to do anything about the issue. We believe that once we identify the problem, we have to do something about it. That's not necessarily true. If you want things to change, then yes, you have to change them. But if you're not quite ready yet, then don't. Sometimes, just taking the first step of identifying the issue is enough...for right now. And if you're okay with how it's working, no one is going to make you change. Until you get good and uncomfortable with your circumstances, you won't be invested enough to make changes. Just don't be surprised - when you keep doing the same thing, you keep getting the same results.

So next time you hear about someone else's story, be gentle in your judgment of them. They're just leading an unconventional, non-traditional life, while finding themselves living frugally, which is their truth.



*if you don't understand the psychobabblitic reason, don't worry, I totally made it up; I don't understand it either. :)

All By Myself

A while ago, I moved into a small apartment after living in my family home for several years. While everything else in my life has been a bit of a mess and sometimes unhappy making, the one thing that has given me solace is my apartment. Although I haven't named it, it feels like my apartment is my friend and when I haven't been spending much time at home, I actually miss it. Decorated the way I like, it gets great light, I have a little outside patio and I can pick lemons right off the tree by taking about 7 steps from my front door. It's pretty awesome. But the best part? I live alone.

This isn't the first time I've lived alone, but it had been quite some time since I had. Although living at home definitely had its benefits (thanks dad, for all the Sunday breakfasts), it stopped feeling like my home at a certain point. I couldn't really explain it other than I just needed my own space, a place that reflected who I am and the things I liked. Plus, I felt like I was getting too old to live there, no matter how great it was (Papa Suddy is an amazing roommate). However, there are also about 8,347 benefits to living alone. Here are 9 of them:

1. Nudity - although I  personally am not shy about being naked, lots of people are. When you live by yourself, you can walk around your place naked - whether it be to grab something from the living room before hopping in the shower or because you just don't want to be bothered with a robe while you make yourself some tea (be careful with that hot water though).

2. Sex - while you're getting your groove on (with someone or yourself), you can be as loud and adventurous as you want and not worry about how much information your roommate is getting about how much you like...uh, the things you like.

3. Food - who took the last of the orange juice without replacing it? Who ate your chunky monkey ice cream? That would be you. Not only is all the food the fridge yours, you can have some of your more weird unique foods around without being judged.

4. Company - you can invite anyone you want over, anytime you like. You don't have to worry about interrupting anyone's sleep schedule or if your guest gets along with your roommate.

5. Television - no arguing over who gets to hold the remote or why you have to watch the Storage Wars marathon. (Seriously, can you believe what gets put on TV these days?)

6. Cleanliness - if you don't feel like doing the dishes right away, don't. If it's been 6 months since you've cleaned your bathroom (which is pretty gross), at least you know the ring in the tub is all your own filth. Or if you need like to dust and vaccum everyday, have at it. It's your place, your standard of cleanliness.

7. Money - you don't have to worry if the electricity is going to get cut off because you're the (hopefully) responsible adult who makes sure the bill is paid. If you think cable is frivolous, you don't have to have it and pay half of the $2,390 cable bill. You are not dependent on anyone to take care of what happens at home.

8. Style - there may be some people who think your framed poster of Bob Marley smoking a joint is a little tacky, but who cares, because you like it! You can have wicker furniture in your living room, pictures of your cat all over the place and a proud display of your beanie baby collection because that's how you want your place to look. People may not want to come over because the eyes on your beanie babies follow them wherever they go, but that's why they don't live with you.

9. Bathroom concerns - everybody farts and poops, we all know that. However, if you're a shy farter, you may not feel comfortable pooting in front of others. When you live alone, no one is around to experience it! Same for going boo boo. While yours may be equally as devastating as someone else's, it's yours! Nothing worse than walking in behind a boo boo that's not yours.

With all that being said, there are a few downsides to living alone.It can be lonely, always coming home to a quiet house. You are responsible for everything - food, bills, making sure you have toilet paper, taking out the garbage, etc.; there's no one else to pick up the slack. Your secret single behaviors may develop into some serious quirks because there's no one around to let you know you're becoming strange. If you pick wisely or are lucky, living with someone else can be a lot of fun too. But...living alone is pretty awesome. I think if it's possible, everyone should live alone at least one time in their life. It can be empowering, knowing that you can take care of business by yourself and most importantly, you can thoroughly enjoy your own company.

Besides, what's better than making tea in the nude? Oh right, blogging in the nude. :)

You Hurt My Feelings!

For those of you who actually know me, it might be shocking to find out that I was quite the sensitive (and dramatic) little girl. The worst thing my mother could ever say was that she was disappointed in me. You know how you start crying so hard, you can't really breathe and your face is all red and contorted? That was me all day. I also liked to proclaim that my mommy didn't love me anymore and that she was very mean. (I told you - dramatic). I'm not sure when I outgrew it (for the most part), but my origins have brought about a mix of empathy and frustration for those sensitive souls out there. I empathize because I can identify, as I still have some sensitive tendencies (sensitendencies). But there is also a level of frustration because sensitive people can be very difficult to deal with, particularly those who are overly sensitive.

Contrary to the image of hugging puppies and picking daffodils, sensitivity is not synonymous with being sweet or nice. While some may understand that they are sensitive, they haven't learned yet how to best manage their feelings. They become defensive and may lash out as a measure of self-protection. It can be difficult to maintain a relationship with a sensitive person as you are often afraid that you'll say the wrong thing in the wrong way with the wrong tone of voice. Anything you say can be interpreted as a criticism and treated as such, sometimes resulting in a discussionment you were unprepared to have. Some examples? Okay.

You say: So, I was talking to Bob about your presentation and there were some things you said that really made me think even though I don't agree with everything.
Sensitive Person (SP) hears: I was talking about you behind your back. I think you're wrong/stupid/have bad ideas.
SP says: You know, I spent 2 weeks preparing for that presentation and it's fine if you disagree, but you should probably do your own research so you can form a real opinion.

You say: Sorry but tonight is not a good night for us to hang out.
SP hears: I don't like you anymore and don't want to spend anytime with you.
SP says: Fine. I would rather stay home anyway.

You say: I really liked that red dress/blue shirt/Member's Only jacket you were wearing last night.
SP hears: I hated the green dress/yellow shirt/pea coat you wore the other day.
SP says: Why, because I don't look as fat/ugly/lame in it?

It can be quite maddening.

Obviously, these are just examples and generalizations. Not all SPs would respond this way, not all
SPs have difficulty in expressing their feelings...I promise I'm not criticizing you, SPs. Please, no angry emails!

In my experience, with those SPs who are not particularly insightful or emotionally aware, the relationship will eventually suffer. It's difficult to share your true opinions with someone who may take offense to anything you say, even if they ask you. When you can't be your true authentic self, which sometimes means saying the hard things (no, you don't look good in that dress, yes, that woman is out of your league), the relationship becomes stifled. You walk around on eggshells, wondering if the next thing out of your mouth is going to cause tears or rage or both. It becomes easier to keep a distance which happens kind of naturally, because basically, you're faking intimacy anyway.

If you're an SP, it's really important that you take ownership of it - and learn how to incorporate it into the way you relate to others. It's great to announce that you're sensitive, but does that mean I can't tell you anything in case it hurts your feelings? It may mean that I have to adjust how I speak to you, but it also means that you have to be willing to hear it for what it is. If you're upset, tell me why. Did it hurt your feelings because that particular issue is very touchy? Was it how I said it? Was it when I said it? Was it my tone of voice? It's important that you share this with your friend/co-worker/family/partner so they can temper how they approach you. Both of you have to feel comfortable about communicating with one another for a harmonious relationship.

There's nothing wrong with being sensitive. Whether it's due to wiring, upbringing, environment or all of the above, it's a part of who you are and how you view the world. However, we do not live in a sensitive world; it's getting progressively more insensitive as we have a lot more technology to hide behind. Although suggesting that one grow a thicker skin or man up is very easy to do, the work of actually doing it is much harder. Essentially, you are being asked to change who and how you are. That's not fair. Unfortunately, life is not fair either.

So man up!

I say: I'm just kidding.
SP hears: I think you're too sensitive and can't handle the truth.
Aware SP hears: I'm just kidding.
Aware SP says: Ha ha.

Get Thee to the Corner!

When I think of self-care, I envision myself at a spa, with a beautiful man rubbing all the knots out of my back. I'm also sipping on a refreshing beverage, like water infused with cucumber/lemon/vodka (or all 3). I am thinking about nothing, just enjoying the massage (and the man). I can also imagine myself at a beach in some foreign locale that requires a passport and a resort to temporarily call home. In both visions, all that is required of me is to do nothing. Unfortunately, I am in neither of those places. I'm at home on a gloomy, Bay Area "summer" day, trying my best to think about nothing, albeit unsuccessfully.

My life is a hot mess right now. Not in a I-can't-get-out-of-bed-don't-want-to-do-nothing kind of way, more like sigh-wtfgoeson-I'm-tired-of-this-sh*t kind of way. Although I'm generally not prone to hot messiness, it feels like it's coming to me in spades. I don't know if I'm going left, right, up, down, under or over. As a person with type-A tendencies (who professionally tells people how to get it together), it is my natural inclination to fix it and fix it right now. However, I've been trying and it's not working.

I'm taking a timeout. I've pulled my chair to the corner and plopped my emotionally exhausted, overwrought- self down.

The concept of time-out as a parenting technique gained a lot of popularity toward the end of the 1900s (sounds like a long ass time ago, doesn't it?). Instead of spanking, parents were encouraged to use time-outs with their children to redirect their misbehavior. (It was also the butt of many jokes, particularly of black comedians, as that was considered "white" parenting - black kids got whuppings.) Well, time-outs aren't just for kids; like nap time, adults need them too. So I'm taking me a time-out.

What does a time-out look like for me? You can't see it with the naked eye; I'm not literally sitting in the corner. I've just decided to take the advice I give to many of my clients - stop it! (Please watch the youtube clip above if you want to know how it works.) When your life feels like everything is out of control, it's very easy to get sucked in to trying fix it. You want everything to get back in order; you want to feel comfortable again in the delusion that you have complete control over it (ha!). But somehow you find that you keep banging your head against the wall, over and over again. Now that my head f*cking hurts, I think it might be time for me to quit.

Duh.

It seems so simple, but it's quite a challenge. I've been ruminating and obsessing so much about my mess, that it is actually making me physically sick. I've decided to give my mind a break. No more thinking about it, no more action steps, no more talking about it - for at least a week. I might even take 2 weeks off! When those thoughts start sneaking in, I literally tell myself stop it. Sometimes I even growl at myself or yell really loudly. While I've definitely struggled and yelled at myself many times, I do feel a little bit lighter. In giving myself permission to take a break, I'm also letting go of the idea that I have total control over what happens in my life. No matter what you do, there are just some things you can't plan for in life.

Otherwise, I would be an heiress by now.

Your F*cking Face

I bet that got your attention.


Let's talk about your face. Or rather your f*cking face. How's it doing? Are you treating it kindly? Telling it good things? Washing it on the regular? Slathering on the sunscreen to prevent wrinkles and sunspots (oh, I guess skin cancer too)? I hope so. It's really important to take care of it because it's usually the first thing people notice about you. And they make all kinds of snap judgments based on what they see. Or really, what they think they're seeing, as beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder.

While our ideas of beauty are subjective, how we treat people we perceive as beautiful or attractive are universal. Studies have shown that people who are perceived as attractive tend to have an easier time in life. According to Psychology Today, we believe that those who are more attractive are also smarter, more competent and friendlier than your average person. Although there are plenty of beautiful people who really are smart, nice, and competent, there are plenty others who are not, but get credit for it nonetheless.

Meritocracy, shmeritocracy.

Although most people would agree that being attractive seldom hurts your cause, there can be a downside to being good-looking. (Yes, I'm shedding huge crocodile tears for Halle Berry right now.) Because there's an assumption that your life is easy, people may easily dismiss your pain and suffering (sigh, Halle Berry). They may assume that you think you're better than them and attribute negative characteristics such as conceitedness or snottiness without even knowing who you are. So regardless of how messy and disastrous your life may actually be, as an attractive person you have a responsibility to portray all those positive characteristics that are generally attributed to you in the first place. Is it fair? Nope. Will it continue to happen? Yep.

The reality is that most people find beauty to be intimidating. As often as I fantasize pretend that Boris Kodjoe is coming to pick me up for our 5th date, I would be super nervous to approach him in real life for a simple autograph. Good-lookingness that potent renders most of us stupid. It also reminds us of what we don't have going on; our insecurities are often triggered. When we feel insecure, we tend to lash out, either at ourselves or at the one who inspired our insecurities. Unfortunately, when we lash out externally, we may be missing the chance of getting to know someone who is a genuinely awesome person.

And sometimes, we're not.

There are attractive people out there who play their good looks to their advantage. I think to some degree, it's really hard not to; it can't be helped if people pay more attention to you because of your f*cking face, right? However, there are folks who know they're hot and use their good-lookingness to manipulate others into giving them what they want. You know who they (you?) are. Obviously, it works, but it can also be a hindrance to personal growth. (I know, who really wants personal growth when they can get all their drinks for free?) They don't have to work very hard because everything is handed to them, to the point where they start to feel entitled. Unfortunately, particularly for women, looks fade. If that's all you've had to offer, what's left?

I hope you flirted your way to a free education.

I know this works both ways; it's not the fault of the good-looker that they are rewarded for what essentially is a lucky configuration of genes. But I'm not going to go into how society needs to stop treating beautiful people better than the less-beautiful because it's pointless. It's encoded in our DNA to be drawn to attractiveness! We like beautifulness and many of us strive to be considered attractive, handsome, pretty, beautiful. So treat your f*cking face well!

Thanks, Dukes, for the title...your f*cking face.

Passive Aggressionist Part 2 - How To Deal

"So...are you mad at me? No? Are you sure? It just seems like you're upset or feeling some kind of way. Okay, okay, you're not mad at me! However, something seems kind of off with you. Did I do something? No? Are you sure? I mean I can't imagine what I did, but if I did do something, you would tell me, right? Yes, I get it, you're not mad at me or upset. I get it. But...are you sure?"

Have you ever found yourself having this conversation with someone in your life? Short of banging your head against the wall to put yourself out of misery, it may feel like there's no right way to deal with this situation. Clearly this person is behaving in a manner that suggests they are upset with you; however, when presented with the opportunity to explain their feelings, they deny that anything is wrong. So why are they still acting out?!!! As a result, you may find yourself getting angry at them but have no idea what you're angry about other than they're not telling you about their angry feelings. A little confusing with dash of frustrating, no?

Fret no more! You have some options in dealing with this; some are even in a healthy and less frustrating way for you. Emphasis on you. See, there may come a time where you have to decide if you are willing to deal with this person, but we'll get to that later. In the meantime, here are some ways you can deal with the passive-aggressionist* in your life.

1. You can get on their level and try to out passive-aggress them. When you feel like they're upset with you, instead of asking what's wrong, just act upset with them back. Silence is golden y'all.

2. Find a wall. Bang your head against it repeatedly until you forget why you're banging your head. (2 things to keep in mind. 1. Don't bash your face - never mess with the pretty. 2. You may want to have a friend on call to take you to the hospital to make sure no permanent damage has been done.) I don't really recommend this one, but it is an option.

3. Bang their head against the wall repeatedly, letting them know that you will stop as soon as they tell you what's wrong. As tempting as it may sound, I do not advise this one either, as you could catch a case and it would be much harder to converse at a bar when you're locked up. Food for thought.

4. Ask once. If they say nothing is wrong, go about your merry way. They are adults and if they have a problem, (yo, I'll solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolves it) they can come to you. Continue to act the same as always.

5. Find some empathy. This person obviously has a hard time expressing their feelings. They may need a little time to find a way to articulate them. A little "Hey, it seems like something is bothering you. I'm not sure what it is, but whenever you're ready to talk about it, I'm here," stated with a gentle, concerned tone may open the door to real communication.

How you choose to deal with it depends on your relationship. Sometimes people don't realize they're being passive-aggressive; it's the norm for them. If they are someone you love and care about, you may want to make them read this blog call them on their behavior. Mind you, many passive-aggressionists are defensive and sensitive as well, so be thoughtful in how you address it. If you find they are not willing to work on it, you may consider altering the nature of your relationship...including ending it. It can be tiresome and frustrating to constantly try to figure out what's actually going on in someone's head, especially when it would be so much easier for them to just tell you!

As I stated before, most passive-aggressionists learned early in life that it was not safe for them to express their true feelings, especially if they are about their wants and needs. In order to preserve the relationship, they pretend that theirs don't matter. However, they get pissed when their unexpressed needs are not met and can easily fall into passive-aggressive behavior (as well as martyrdom). Is this annoying? Yes. Frustrating? Fa sho. When you start to feel that way, keep in mind that many passive-aggressionists are acting out of fear. They are fearful they will hurt your feelings, fearful of your response, fearful of losing you. Although it may feel like you are suffering the most, they are suffering in their own kind of way too. It may take some hand-holding and babysitting, but hopefully, you'll teach your little passive-aggressionist that it's safe for them to communicate directly with you...and nary a head will be banged against the wall!



*This can be harder to negotiate when this person is a boss/colleague, someone your forced to deal with and/or just a straight up douche.

Passive Aggressionists

Apparently, there's a woman out there, who looks, talks and acts just like me, who sometimes kind of acts a bit passive-aggressive.Yes, I am as horrified as you are...she must be stopped!

Um, yeah, okay, it's me. I confess. Can I get my medal now for telling the truth?

As therapists, many people forget that under our cheerleader outfits, we're still human. Human = got issues. Although we can encourage and support you in identifying the ways in which you can positively change your life, it doesn't mean we don't struggle in making changes ourselves. While I will not drop my head down in shame, I will acknowledge that I am working on this issue. And it is more than likely that I will continue to work on it for the rest of my life. It's a difficult habit to break. I'm willing to bet big money that either you or someone you know suffer from this affliction too.

Unfortunately, for those 3 of you who are affliction-free, it's really difficult to avoid passive-aggressionists. They're your co-workers, the people who serve you food, your neighbor (whose dog poops on your lawn "accidentally" because you borrowed their lawnmower for 5 weeks), your husband/wife/sister/father/mother/brother, your best friend, the checker at your grocery store...the list goes on and on. However, I believe that even if you are not a passive aggressionist, you may still engage in passive aggressive behavior on occasion. (Do not roll your eyes at me, that is rude!)

Please note - many passive aggressionists hate when others are passive-aggressive toward them. #gofigure.

What exactly is passive-aggressive behavior? When a person feels some kind of way (usually in the vein of frustrated, hurt, angry, irritated, upset, sad, etc.) about another's behavior toward them, they do not directly address the issue. Instead, they dole out mini-punishments; it could be snide remarks, having an attitude, leaving condescending notes, withholding affection and attention or engaging in the same behavior that pissed them off in the first place (or as a former client would say, "tick for tack").

Scenario: You and your new baby boo agree to take the day off work to spend some quality time together. When you meet up, they inform you that they are going to play golf/go shopping/have drinks with their homie, cutting your quality time short. The passive-aggressionist response may be:

a. Crossing your arms, not making eye contact and giving one-word answers, including "nothing" when they ask you what's wrong.
b. Saying "It's good you're spending time with them because they are pretty needy and you like to be the superhero."
c. They lean over to kiss you on the lips and you give them the cheek. Or the finger.
d. Mentally planning on doing the same thing the next time you have plans.

Of course, there are other ways the passive-aggressive behavior can play out, but underlying all those responses is anger and hostility, most likely because your feelings are hurt. Although it can be difficult to not act out when you're upset (I cannot kiss all over your face if I'm angry with you), it is problematic when the acting out is not explained.

Many people become passive-aggressionists because of how they learned to cope with their emotions as children. It may have not been safe for them to express their feelings in a direct and assertive manner. As a result, it's more comfortable to act out their emotions, which may often be the opposite of what they're saying. In the scenario above, they could tell their baby boo that it really ____________ (insert emotion) that they made plans and they are being broken. If they were really direct, they may even give the reason why it _________ them and express the hope that baby boo will be more considerate in the future. Then they move on.

I know that for me, my passive-aggressiveness is more about a specific person or a situation. It truly does boil down to my level of comfort expressing my feelings to that person or about the situation. It's particularly rough when dealing with a passive-aggressionist or someone who is also acting passive-aggressively. In those circumstances, it can become cyclical. "I don't feel comfortable being direct with you because you punish me passive-aggressively when I am, so I'm going to be passive-aggressive because you'll be passive-aggressive regardless of how I approach it and at least I'll feel protected in my passive-aggression." Did you get all that? There were a lot of hyphens going on.

So how do you deal with a passive-aggressionist? It involves wedgies, hair pulling and wet willies. Just kidding. Come back next week, if you feel like it. I mean I don't really care one way or the other if you do. It's your life, you can do what you want. But just know that if you don't, you won't get an answer. ;)

Negative Much?

My first job out of graduate school was working as a coordinator for a girl's community leadership after-school program. Though I definitely appreciated and supported the mission of the program, it was not at all what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a therapist and this was pretty far off that path. Not to mention the girls were a...challenging group to work with. I was talking with my supervisor one day and said something about not being a negative person. She scoffed, essentially saying "Um, yeah right." I was utterly shocked, as I would never classify myself as a negative person. However, after giving it some real and true thought, I understood how she came to that belief. I realized that I was pretty negative when it came to that job.

Did I mention that I hated that job?

What I took away from that brief exchange was a) I needed to stop working there and b) I was totally unaware of the kind of energy I was putting out in the universe. My dissatisfaction with my job was bleeding into my usually pleasant and affable personality. While I can say confidently that I wasn't a b*tch, I was definitely playing the Debbie Downer role. It's a sunny day? It's way too hot. The weekend's right around the corner? I have to suffer through this report first. Free lunch? It's greasy and fried. I think you get the drift. And I bet you know someone exactly like this. (If you're looking in the mirror, be easy on yourself...it can sneak up on you sometimes.)

All of us are capable of becoming Eeyore at some point in the day/week/month/year. It's human nature for us to focus on things that are negative. You can receive 9 out of 10 positive reviews and you will fixate on the one that was less positive. It's how we continue working on ourselves. How can you set goals if you don't know what needs improvement? However, what I'm addressing goes beyond one negative review or an offhand comment about your hair; this has become a state of being.

I have no doubt that people who constantly focus on all that is wrong are miserable human beings. Often, negative thinking can be a symptom of depression. For many negative people, they don't even realize they are being negative. They also can't see how their negativity impacts their relationships with others. If you've ever spent time with someone who always sees the bad side of things, it becomes easier and easier to avoid them. We all have our problems - why compound them by being around someone who wants to further highlight them?

Does this mean everyone needs to be a ray of sunshine each and every day? Of course not. That can also be annoying. It's important to be true to who you are and what you're feeling. If you're having a bad day, have a bad day. Complain and whine, maybe even throw a mini-tantrum - for a brief period of time. Then let that motivate you to change your situation. There might not be something you can do immediately, but if you're working toward change, you're working toward your happiness. However, the longer you dwell on it, without doing anything about it, the more powerless and miserable you end up feeling. Thus the vicious cycle continues and you may slowly find yourself without anyone to complain or commiserate with. Your negativity pushed them away! And then you feel worse because you have no friends and you start to overeat and cry and drink excessively and...5 years later, you're living in a van, down by the river.

You see where I'm going with this?

It's important to recognize the silver lining. It can be really difficult to find at times, but it's there, even if it's barely thicker than a piece of thread. For example, you can focus on how much you hate your job (been there, fa sho!) by talking about how much you hate it and spreading your negativity to the workplace. Or you could try to find things that make it more interesting while looking for other jobs and networking outside of the workplace. I know it's easier said than done, but dwelling on the things that we're unhappy about only contributes to our misery and unhappiness.

So how do you know if you're a negative person? Ask. It may be difficult to hear, but it's important because we all engage in behaviors that are normal to us, but may be off-putting to others. Feedback is very important for personal growth and hopefully, you have someone in your life who will do it in a helpful and loving way. You can also check in with your co-workers who might be a little more direct, but helpful all the same. I know that since that conversation in 2006, I've become a lot more aware of when I'm doing it. I don't want to be that way consistently and so I listen to myself. Am I fixating on something in a negative way? Am I working toward changing it? If the answer is yes and no, then it's clear that I have some work to do. Unless I am really working on changing it, I'm just being a whiny complainer. And who wants to be around that?

Not me.