Sex

The word alone evokes images, fantasies, memories and emotions. What is it about sex that makes people lose their minds and do the most idiotic things? Is it the orgasm? (It certainly doesn't hurt.) The connection? The intimacy? The validation? All of the above?

Whatever it is, it seems that people are all over the place when it comes to sex, even in defining it. Birds do it, bees do it, but no one does it like humans. There are various positions, various accoutrements, sometimes various people involved at the same time. Regardless of sexual orientation and predilections, there seems to be one universal theme - someone's always trying to get it! (Hopefully, legally.)

Of course, there are plenty of instances where both (all?) parties involved are down to do the do. However, there's usually some kind of chase involved (especially in Heterosexlandia), particularly if folks are trying to date. If people are trying to have a no-strings attached, booty-call situation or a one night stand, the rules are different. But if one is trying to get to know someone and wants to have the option of a relationship, it often takes some time to get the goodies.

If most of us want sex, why can it be so dang difficult to get? For straight men, they have to convince a woman to have sex with them. (From what I understand, for most gay men, it's not difficult at all. In my next life, I hope to be a gay man.) If you're good-looking and have a little bit of swagger, it's not that difficult. Not to say it's easy all the time, but it's much easier than if you're not attractive and/or have no confidence. However, the challenging aspect is finding a woman who is down.

In general, women tend not to give it up so easy. (I said in general, so please don't tell me about your cousin/sister/friend/neighbor who has sex with everybody.) There's a complex equation that goes on in our heads that determine whether or not someone will see us naked. (It's a totally different equation in lesbian relationships, from what I've been told at the bar.) If you take the square root of the temperature, multiply it by the number of times she was given a compliment over the course of the day, divided by how many new shoes purchased in the past month and add the weight on her driver's license, you should be able to figure out if she's going to put out.

Yeah, it's that complicated.

Actually, there are so many things that go into determining whether we sleep with someone or not. Here is the sequence of thoughts we have and questions we ask ourselves before we get down:

1. How badly do I want to have sex?
2. Do I want to have sex with this cat?
3. If I have sex with him tonight, will I see him again?
4. Do I even want to see him again?
5. Booty call or relationship?
6. I wonder what he's working with.
7. I can't make any decisions until we kiss.
8. Do I want to kiss him?
9. Is it too soon?
10. Is he expecting a BJ?
11. Has he earned it?
12. Am I going to become emotionally attached?
13. Did I shave my legs?


It is also determined by where we are in our lives, how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about our sexuality and what we want from our potential sex partner. Oh, and hormones! Considering that most men operate from a physical space when it comes to sex and women operate from a mix of physical, mental and emotional space, it's a wonder that men and women can be in sexual relationships with one another!

One of the most common issues that comes up in dating and relationships is negotiating sex. I think most men know that women tend to move in a more mental and emotional space, but often choose to ignore it. It may be because they don't understand it or it may be because they don't give a damn. Regardless, that kind of attitude/impatience will prevent you from getting what you want. While we can talk about female sexual empowerment, at the end of the day, we're still operating under a double standard; if we are too enthusiastic about having sex, we're deemed sluts. A lot of men say,"I want a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed." Ever notice that there's no comparable saying for men? That's because their sexuality is part of their masculinity, whereas for us, being a lady does not include being sexual.

Done with my rant.

Anyway, we do like sex. A lot. And we talk about it. A lot. And we want to do it. A lot. But there's also a lot that goes into deciding who we want to have sex with, especially if we are dealing with men. So please, gentlemen, have some patience (not persistence) and you may get what you want sooner than you thought. Also, learn how to kiss. It counts a lot more than you think.

Can We Share?

Let me tell you a story:

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, intelligent woman (we'll call her Intern) who was embarking on a very (hopefully) rewarding career path. She was able to network and connect with some strategic allies, securing an internship that could only open many doors for her when she was ready. Her mentor (and internship supervisor) assured her many times that she had a lot of talent; she just about promised Intern a job upon completion of her studies. She also introduced Intern to some key people who could also potentially offer her a job. However, when Intern connected with one of those key people (someone that outranked her supervisor and happened to be male) who was happy to help her along, her supervisor stopped being her mentor and essentially reneged on those potential job offers.

#nof*ckingway!

Theory 1: Intern suddenly developed some kind of body odor that was repulsive and disgusting and the supervisor could not even begin to imagine working with her on a permanent basis.

Theory 2: The supervisor hit her head and it wiped out any memories related to Intern and future employment.

Theory 3: A butterfly flapped its wings in Brazil, not only causing Mars to go into retrograde, but to also cause the supervisor to strongly believe that Intern may at any moment start barking like a dog while hopping up and down on one foot; she wanted to avoid all of that.

Theory 4: Pure, unadulterated hateration in the dancery.

Although I'm not in this woman's head, but I'm going to guess that theory 4 is the most accurate. While Intern may thoroughly enjoy barking like a dog while hopping up and down on one foot, she knows not to do it at work. I surmise that the supervisor felt several things (none of which were rational or based in evidence) including threatened, insecure and territorial. What makes this story most troublesome is that instead of supporting and uplifting another woman into their profession, the supervisor, who is a well-established, highly regarded veteran, chose instead to create obstacles for Intern due to these (assumed) feelings. Of course, when dealing with emotions, they can definitely be irrational. That does not mean they should be acted upon. This scenario highlights the belief that there just isn't enough to go around and every person for themselves.

Let's look at the possible feelings behind the supervisor's behavior:

1. She felt threatened. Here is this younger woman who has it together. She knows what she's talking about and has a lot of ambition. Although the supervisor has years of experience on her, she might have felt like Intern was going to replace her. It's true that Intern could replace her...many years from now when the she retires.

2. She felt insecure. Maybe Intern reminded her of when she was coming up in the profession and there were so few women at the time. Or Intern is very attractive and makes the supervisor feel less noticeable/special.

3. She felt territorial. Clearly, the Intern was stepping out of her lane by establishing a relationship that the supervisor facilitated...wait, what? Possibly, the supervisor felt like if Intern could do that, she certainly didn't need her help. How is Intern going to come up in here and start making inroads with someone who outranked her? Blasphemous!

4. She felt jealous. Maybe when she was establishing herself, she didn't have access to the kind of resources that Intern has. She had to work really hard, without any kind of help, particularly from men, because they didn't want women in the profession. If she didn't get help, why should Intern get help...at least from her?!


I could be totally wrong and over-generalizing, but this seems to happen a lot more between women in lots of situations, not just in the workplace (hello, cock-blocking). Although men have their pissing contests as well, they don't seem to be as nefarious and hateristic as they are between women. It seems as if we can't share with one another, whether it be resources or the limelight.

But why are women like this? According to this article at psychcentral.com:

Because women learn that they are not supposed to be competitive and win at others’ expense, their natural competitive spirit cannot be shared openly, happily, or even jokingly with other women. In such situations, when aggression cannot be channeled into a healthy, positive edge, it becomes inhibited and goes underground. What could have been healthy competition becomes a secret feeling of envy and desire for the other to fail – laced with guilt and shame. 

Thus, what looks like hostile competition between women may instead mask feelings of insecurity, fear of success, and healthy aggression. Women, often experts at being tuned in and sensitive to others’ feelings, may easily overidentify with other women’s insecurities, projecting how they would feel in the other’s shoes and then feeling bad about their own success. Women learn to feel guilty for feeling happy and successful – and with their female friends who may not be having such luck, they may experience their own success as hurtful to their friend. This can make it uncomfortable for a woman to share and enjoy her accomplishments with her female friends. 

The lesson behind this: be friends with mostly men.

Just kidding. Fortunately, I am surrounded by a fabulous group of women who support each others' successes and inspire one another to keep striving. So when I am confronted by this issue, it's always a little bit shocking. While I'm definitely competitive, I'm also pretty open about it (ask any of my friends) and most importantly, I am confident that there is a enough to go around. Whether it be love, attractiveness, career success, or shoes, I'm not standing in anyone's way in getting those. If anything, I would love to help you; I am a firm believer of what goes around, comes around. Luckily, it hasn't happened to me much; when/if it does, I'm not going to worry about it - there's enough for all of us.

The S Word

According to the 298 posts I've read over the past year (like this one or this one or this one), there's a national epidemic going on, especially for black women. Apparently, many women are suffering from...being single. It's reaching a crisis level, where many bright, successful and attractive women may never get married. If you're married or in a committed relationship, you may want to reconsider some of your friendships. Although it hasn't been found to be contagious, it's better to be safe than sorry. Obviously, nothing is worse than being single, especially as a woman. (Actually, you may want to stop reading this right now, because it is written by a single woman.)

#whatthef*ckever

It's not to say that being in a relationship doesn't have its appeal, hence the collection of dating horror stories that inspired the last few posts. However, many of these articles make it seem like being single is one of the most awfullest, painful experiences that one should avoid at all costs, particularly if you have a vagina. I have yet to read any articles about how men have such a hard time dating and finding a mate. As someone who quite enjoys being single, it's borderline offensive that so much time and effort is spent on figuring out how to cure singledom (singlehood? singleness?).

Being single in itself is not problematic; the problem lies in how we interpret what it means about us. Unfortunately, this tends to inflict more suffering on women than men. Historically, women who were not married past a certain age were considered spinsters (I wonder how many of them were actually just lesbians?) and despite the changes in society, I believe some of that stigma still stands. Although we can say that men over 35 who haven't been married or aren't in a long-term relationship are weirdos, if they decided to get married, their proposal is highly likely to be accepted (unless they truly are weirdos).

So why is it that these bright, successful and attractive women might not get married? Well, if they are lesbians, it might be because it's still not legal in their state (which is ridiculous!). But if they're heterosexual...who cares? There are lots of reasons why women don't get married. While it's easy to blame it on the perceived lack of men (very, very easy), it may also be because ultimately, they don't want to! Being in a relationship takes a lot of energy, time, emotion and compromise; if you're with the right person, it's totally worth it. However, sometimes it seems like in order to avoid being single, many women find themselves compromising on a lot...a lot of bullsh*t (regardless of sexual orientation, by the way). We tell ourselves stories about our partners in order to rationalize staying with them. Do any of these sound familiar?

1. Once s/he breaks up with their significant other, we can be together.
2. It's obvious they love me; look at how often they text me.
3. It's because his mother was too strong/her dad left when she was young that they are emotionally unavailable.
4. I know I can change them with the strength of my love.
5. When they get a little more Jesus/Allah/Jehovah in their life, they'll be ready.
6. It's not their fault that their ex-boo keeps contacting them.
7. If I was a better cook/lover/dog walker, they'd know I was the right one for them.
8. I just have to be patient, they have so much potential.

Don't feel bad, I've made some of these same rationalizations.


Again, compromise on both sides is necessary for a relationship to function well. However, there has to be some non-negotiables. It's different for everyone and it's important to figure out what yours are, especially if you decide to date. The more experience you have, the more you know about your tolerance level and what you're willing to put up with. And keep in mind, they are putting up with some of your bullsh*t too! Unless you're like me and Mary Poppins - practically perfect in every way. (Just kidding, Mary Poppins is a fictional character.)

The best thing one can do, regardless of gender, age and sexual preference, is embrace being single. There are pros and cons to both being in a relationship and being single. If you focus all your time and emotional energy trying to figure out where your soul mate is hanging out, there is a lot of life you are missing out on. And ladies, this does not seem to afflict men nearly as much as it afflicts us. Stop worrying! Create the kind of life you want so that if your boo comes along, they'll fit right in. And if they don't, your life is pretty awesome just as it is.

Are You on This List?

Many women I know, myself included, complain about the lack of dateable men. All of us believe that we're great catches and some of us truly are. However, I also know there are plenty of women who may not be and are ruining it for the rest of us, dammaging men left and right who can't seem to recover...just from one date! So ladies, are you this chick?

1. The Opportunist - when you met him, you knew that he was not the one for you. Maybe his pants were sagging too much or he had difficulty stringing words together to form a sentence or his behavior and tone of voice reminded you of Urkel. Whatever the reason, you knew that nothing good would come from you giving him your number. However, when he asked you out (via text), you said yes anyway. A girl has to eat right?

2. Ms. Picky - "I know it says flour crust, but I'd like it with a cornmeal crust. Make sure it's baked in the oven with only other vegetarian pizzas. Also, is the mozzarella made with whole milk or skim milk? And were the cows that produced the milk grass-fed? I'd like the mushrooms to be finely chopped and sprinkled liberally on the pizza, but make sure they're not touching the other vegetables." If you have food allergies (especially if you have to carry an epi-pen with you), that's one thing. But if you're this picky about your pizza, one can only imagine how you are about other things.

3. The Hungry Chick - I'm not talking about burgers and french fries, I'm talking about the woman who wants to be married with children so badly, any man will do. "What do you think about marriage? Do you want to get married? What do you think about an early fall wedding? Wouldn't that be beautiful? I want 2 boys and 1 girl, Jeremiah, Justin and Julia - I have a thing for J names." TMI for a first date! There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married and have children, but the desperation is so palpable, the folks sitting next to you can feel it!

4. The Bitter Bi*ch - your date doesn't even know what your teeth look like because you haven't smiled once! The body language and tone of voice convey an utter disregard and disdain for the man (or any man) that's taking you out. We've all been burned by love, but if you haven't recovered from your last relationship/experience (that ended 3 years ago), it might be time to get some therapy and figure out what's really going on.

5. The "I Don't Need A Man" Chick - with the divorce rate so high, it's very important for women to be independent and self-sufficient. However, you wouldn't be on a date if there wasn't some need you were trying to fulfill. Whether it be a life partner kind of need or clear the cobwebs kind of need, it does no good to let your date know that he is inconsequential.

6. The Inappropriately Dressed Chick - if your date is taking you to Chez Panisse, by all means, put on a dress and your peep toe heels. But if he's taking you rock-climbing, are you sure that's what you want to wear? This isn't just about where you're going, this is also about the style and fit of your clothes. I know it can be hard to accept that you don't fit a size 8 anymore, but if you have to lay down, stop breathing and use plyers to zip it, let it go! Especially if it's your Girbauds from 1993. Please also keep in mind there is a fine line between slutty and sexy.

7. The Emasculator - these days, gender roles continue to get blurry, particularly as more and more women become the breadwinners and achieve success in their careers. Unless he's looking for a sugar mama, most men want to feel like and be appreciated as men. We complain about chivalry being dead, but barely give men a chance to be chivalrous. So let them be men! It's okay to let them open the door for us.

8. The Wackadoo - we're all a little bit crazy in our own way, but this is different. It's hard to define, but we all know it when we see it...unless we are the crazy chick. If you feel it's okay to slash tires and throw bricks through windshields or if you sleep with your beanie baby collection, you might fall under this category.

9. The Oversharer - as women, we build our emotional connections by talking about everything. Feelings, thoughts, mistakes, boo boo, work, love, sex, pedicures, everything. That's why we have girlfriends. There is a such thing as TMI with a man, especially if it's about other men. They don't want to know. Talking about your experiences with other men is definitely on the TMI list. Most men do not want to know because they are the one and only, right?

This list is by no means comprehensive as I'm sure there are men out there who have some horror interesting stories. At the end of the day, be yourself. It's just a date (not with destiny). You're both two people hoping to find someone that will accept you (and your collection of Jem dolls) and enjoy whatever it is you have to offer. If it works out, that's great. If it doesn't, it's another learning experience or funny story to tell around the lunch table. But if any of these descriptions sound a little too familiar, it might be hard out there for you, sister!