Passive Aggressionist Part 2 - How To Deal

"So...are you mad at me? No? Are you sure? It just seems like you're upset or feeling some kind of way. Okay, okay, you're not mad at me! However, something seems kind of off with you. Did I do something? No? Are you sure? I mean I can't imagine what I did, but if I did do something, you would tell me, right? Yes, I get it, you're not mad at me or upset. I get it. But...are you sure?"

Have you ever found yourself having this conversation with someone in your life? Short of banging your head against the wall to put yourself out of misery, it may feel like there's no right way to deal with this situation. Clearly this person is behaving in a manner that suggests they are upset with you; however, when presented with the opportunity to explain their feelings, they deny that anything is wrong. So why are they still acting out?!!! As a result, you may find yourself getting angry at them but have no idea what you're angry about other than they're not telling you about their angry feelings. A little confusing with dash of frustrating, no?

Fret no more! You have some options in dealing with this; some are even in a healthy and less frustrating way for you. Emphasis on you. See, there may come a time where you have to decide if you are willing to deal with this person, but we'll get to that later. In the meantime, here are some ways you can deal with the passive-aggressionist* in your life.

1. You can get on their level and try to out passive-aggress them. When you feel like they're upset with you, instead of asking what's wrong, just act upset with them back. Silence is golden y'all.

2. Find a wall. Bang your head against it repeatedly until you forget why you're banging your head. (2 things to keep in mind. 1. Don't bash your face - never mess with the pretty. 2. You may want to have a friend on call to take you to the hospital to make sure no permanent damage has been done.) I don't really recommend this one, but it is an option.

3. Bang their head against the wall repeatedly, letting them know that you will stop as soon as they tell you what's wrong. As tempting as it may sound, I do not advise this one either, as you could catch a case and it would be much harder to converse at a bar when you're locked up. Food for thought.

4. Ask once. If they say nothing is wrong, go about your merry way. They are adults and if they have a problem, (yo, I'll solve it, check out the hook while my DJ revolves it) they can come to you. Continue to act the same as always.

5. Find some empathy. This person obviously has a hard time expressing their feelings. They may need a little time to find a way to articulate them. A little "Hey, it seems like something is bothering you. I'm not sure what it is, but whenever you're ready to talk about it, I'm here," stated with a gentle, concerned tone may open the door to real communication.

How you choose to deal with it depends on your relationship. Sometimes people don't realize they're being passive-aggressive; it's the norm for them. If they are someone you love and care about, you may want to make them read this blog call them on their behavior. Mind you, many passive-aggressionists are defensive and sensitive as well, so be thoughtful in how you address it. If you find they are not willing to work on it, you may consider altering the nature of your relationship...including ending it. It can be tiresome and frustrating to constantly try to figure out what's actually going on in someone's head, especially when it would be so much easier for them to just tell you!

As I stated before, most passive-aggressionists learned early in life that it was not safe for them to express their true feelings, especially if they are about their wants and needs. In order to preserve the relationship, they pretend that theirs don't matter. However, they get pissed when their unexpressed needs are not met and can easily fall into passive-aggressive behavior (as well as martyrdom). Is this annoying? Yes. Frustrating? Fa sho. When you start to feel that way, keep in mind that many passive-aggressionists are acting out of fear. They are fearful they will hurt your feelings, fearful of your response, fearful of losing you. Although it may feel like you are suffering the most, they are suffering in their own kind of way too. It may take some hand-holding and babysitting, but hopefully, you'll teach your little passive-aggressionist that it's safe for them to communicate directly with you...and nary a head will be banged against the wall!



*This can be harder to negotiate when this person is a boss/colleague, someone your forced to deal with and/or just a straight up douche.

Passive Aggressionists

Apparently, there's a woman out there, who looks, talks and acts just like me, who sometimes kind of acts a bit passive-aggressive.Yes, I am as horrified as you are...she must be stopped!

Um, yeah, okay, it's me. I confess. Can I get my medal now for telling the truth?

As therapists, many people forget that under our cheerleader outfits, we're still human. Human = got issues. Although we can encourage and support you in identifying the ways in which you can positively change your life, it doesn't mean we don't struggle in making changes ourselves. While I will not drop my head down in shame, I will acknowledge that I am working on this issue. And it is more than likely that I will continue to work on it for the rest of my life. It's a difficult habit to break. I'm willing to bet big money that either you or someone you know suffer from this affliction too.

Unfortunately, for those 3 of you who are affliction-free, it's really difficult to avoid passive-aggressionists. They're your co-workers, the people who serve you food, your neighbor (whose dog poops on your lawn "accidentally" because you borrowed their lawnmower for 5 weeks), your husband/wife/sister/father/mother/brother, your best friend, the checker at your grocery store...the list goes on and on. However, I believe that even if you are not a passive aggressionist, you may still engage in passive aggressive behavior on occasion. (Do not roll your eyes at me, that is rude!)

Please note - many passive aggressionists hate when others are passive-aggressive toward them. #gofigure.

What exactly is passive-aggressive behavior? When a person feels some kind of way (usually in the vein of frustrated, hurt, angry, irritated, upset, sad, etc.) about another's behavior toward them, they do not directly address the issue. Instead, they dole out mini-punishments; it could be snide remarks, having an attitude, leaving condescending notes, withholding affection and attention or engaging in the same behavior that pissed them off in the first place (or as a former client would say, "tick for tack").

Scenario: You and your new baby boo agree to take the day off work to spend some quality time together. When you meet up, they inform you that they are going to play golf/go shopping/have drinks with their homie, cutting your quality time short. The passive-aggressionist response may be:

a. Crossing your arms, not making eye contact and giving one-word answers, including "nothing" when they ask you what's wrong.
b. Saying "It's good you're spending time with them because they are pretty needy and you like to be the superhero."
c. They lean over to kiss you on the lips and you give them the cheek. Or the finger.
d. Mentally planning on doing the same thing the next time you have plans.

Of course, there are other ways the passive-aggressive behavior can play out, but underlying all those responses is anger and hostility, most likely because your feelings are hurt. Although it can be difficult to not act out when you're upset (I cannot kiss all over your face if I'm angry with you), it is problematic when the acting out is not explained.

Many people become passive-aggressionists because of how they learned to cope with their emotions as children. It may have not been safe for them to express their feelings in a direct and assertive manner. As a result, it's more comfortable to act out their emotions, which may often be the opposite of what they're saying. In the scenario above, they could tell their baby boo that it really ____________ (insert emotion) that they made plans and they are being broken. If they were really direct, they may even give the reason why it _________ them and express the hope that baby boo will be more considerate in the future. Then they move on.

I know that for me, my passive-aggressiveness is more about a specific person or a situation. It truly does boil down to my level of comfort expressing my feelings to that person or about the situation. It's particularly rough when dealing with a passive-aggressionist or someone who is also acting passive-aggressively. In those circumstances, it can become cyclical. "I don't feel comfortable being direct with you because you punish me passive-aggressively when I am, so I'm going to be passive-aggressive because you'll be passive-aggressive regardless of how I approach it and at least I'll feel protected in my passive-aggression." Did you get all that? There were a lot of hyphens going on.

So how do you deal with a passive-aggressionist? It involves wedgies, hair pulling and wet willies. Just kidding. Come back next week, if you feel like it. I mean I don't really care one way or the other if you do. It's your life, you can do what you want. But just know that if you don't, you won't get an answer. ;)

Negative Much?

My first job out of graduate school was working as a coordinator for a girl's community leadership after-school program. Though I definitely appreciated and supported the mission of the program, it was not at all what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a therapist and this was pretty far off that path. Not to mention the girls were a...challenging group to work with. I was talking with my supervisor one day and said something about not being a negative person. She scoffed, essentially saying "Um, yeah right." I was utterly shocked, as I would never classify myself as a negative person. However, after giving it some real and true thought, I understood how she came to that belief. I realized that I was pretty negative when it came to that job.

Did I mention that I hated that job?

What I took away from that brief exchange was a) I needed to stop working there and b) I was totally unaware of the kind of energy I was putting out in the universe. My dissatisfaction with my job was bleeding into my usually pleasant and affable personality. While I can say confidently that I wasn't a b*tch, I was definitely playing the Debbie Downer role. It's a sunny day? It's way too hot. The weekend's right around the corner? I have to suffer through this report first. Free lunch? It's greasy and fried. I think you get the drift. And I bet you know someone exactly like this. (If you're looking in the mirror, be easy on yourself...it can sneak up on you sometimes.)

All of us are capable of becoming Eeyore at some point in the day/week/month/year. It's human nature for us to focus on things that are negative. You can receive 9 out of 10 positive reviews and you will fixate on the one that was less positive. It's how we continue working on ourselves. How can you set goals if you don't know what needs improvement? However, what I'm addressing goes beyond one negative review or an offhand comment about your hair; this has become a state of being.

I have no doubt that people who constantly focus on all that is wrong are miserable human beings. Often, negative thinking can be a symptom of depression. For many negative people, they don't even realize they are being negative. They also can't see how their negativity impacts their relationships with others. If you've ever spent time with someone who always sees the bad side of things, it becomes easier and easier to avoid them. We all have our problems - why compound them by being around someone who wants to further highlight them?

Does this mean everyone needs to be a ray of sunshine each and every day? Of course not. That can also be annoying. It's important to be true to who you are and what you're feeling. If you're having a bad day, have a bad day. Complain and whine, maybe even throw a mini-tantrum - for a brief period of time. Then let that motivate you to change your situation. There might not be something you can do immediately, but if you're working toward change, you're working toward your happiness. However, the longer you dwell on it, without doing anything about it, the more powerless and miserable you end up feeling. Thus the vicious cycle continues and you may slowly find yourself without anyone to complain or commiserate with. Your negativity pushed them away! And then you feel worse because you have no friends and you start to overeat and cry and drink excessively and...5 years later, you're living in a van, down by the river.

You see where I'm going with this?

It's important to recognize the silver lining. It can be really difficult to find at times, but it's there, even if it's barely thicker than a piece of thread. For example, you can focus on how much you hate your job (been there, fa sho!) by talking about how much you hate it and spreading your negativity to the workplace. Or you could try to find things that make it more interesting while looking for other jobs and networking outside of the workplace. I know it's easier said than done, but dwelling on the things that we're unhappy about only contributes to our misery and unhappiness.

So how do you know if you're a negative person? Ask. It may be difficult to hear, but it's important because we all engage in behaviors that are normal to us, but may be off-putting to others. Feedback is very important for personal growth and hopefully, you have someone in your life who will do it in a helpful and loving way. You can also check in with your co-workers who might be a little more direct, but helpful all the same. I know that since that conversation in 2006, I've become a lot more aware of when I'm doing it. I don't want to be that way consistently and so I listen to myself. Am I fixating on something in a negative way? Am I working toward changing it? If the answer is yes and no, then it's clear that I have some work to do. Unless I am really working on changing it, I'm just being a whiny complainer. And who wants to be around that?

Not me.