Sexy Heroin

The connection was evident from the beginning. Although you were in a public venue, it didn't matter because it was just the two of you. Nothing was more important than this moment that you were sharing and both  of you knew...this was something real, something significant. Your life was about to be forever changed; the person you were when you arrived has left the building. It takes your breath away, just remembering the intensity, all those days/weeks/months/years ago.

Sorry, momentary lapse in to Harlequin romance territory.

As dramatic as that sounds (hence the reason Twilight has so many fans), it does often feel like that.With those pheromones (perhaps blended with alcohol and hazy memories of getting laid a looooooooong time ago) snap, crackle and popping all over the place, it's easy to feel like a magical moment happened between you and them. You spend those first months having deep conversations about unicorns, Rainbow Bright and how lucky you would be if your baby had their eyes and your cute little button nose. The two of you together just exude the beautiful essence of fantastical, romantical love. Roses are rosier, babies suddenly stop crying, and the economy slightly improves because of your love. It is that strong! (Yes, I made myself a little bit sick as I wrote that.)

And then it happens...the reality of having a relationship with another person sets in. No more unicorns, it's all about who's turn it is to wash the dishes and why you can't show up on time. These are small, petty contrivances that are part of the growing process. Hopefully, you work through them and move on to the more meaningful stuff (i.e Rainbow Bright vs. The Smurfs). However, there are some things you learn about each other that are detrimental to any relationship; it's clear you can't move forward. Intellectually, you recognize that you're at an impasse; he's irrational, she's too controlling, he can't trust anyone, she is emotionally unavailable. It's obvious to you (and everyone else) that it's time to let go. There's just one small problem.

You can't.

It's inexplicable. All the ups and downs, the side to sides, the topsies and the turvies - it's enough to make anyone try to get on Dr. Phil. But not you. I mean, you are sick - sick of talking about it, sick of knowing better, sick of things being the way they are. Yet, you stay. You engage. You reconcile. You believe that this time it will be different.

My friend, you are addicted to loving this person.

In my line of work, I have been exposed to addiction, primarily to crack and/or alcohol. It's a hot mess. (Yes, that is a clinical term.) People spend most of their lives chasing the drug or chasing sobriety. They know that using is not good for them; it has caused irreparable damage to their lives. Regardless, they cannot stop using. According to Psychology Today:

 Addiction is a condition that results when a person ingests a substance (alcohol, cocaine, nicotine) or engages in an activity (gambling) that can be pleasurable but the continued use of which becomes compulsive and interferes with ordinary life responsibilities, such as work or relationships, even health. Users may not be aware that their behavior is out of control and causing problems for themselves and others.

When you think about past relationships, does this sound maybe vaguely, kind of, slightly, a little bit familiar? Nah, me neither.

Love is very much like a drug. When we experience love, it releases all kinds of feel-good hormones. It helps us attach to whomever - mother, father, boyfriend, girlfriend, son, daughter. In doing so, particularly in romantic love, it initially blinds us to our partner's flaws to help us bond to our baby boos. If you knew from the beginning that his bedroom resembled an episode of Hoarders or that she speaks in a baby voice during sex, would you have dated them? Probably not. Over time, our relationship does deepen and we accept our partners, flaws and all.

Unfortunately, some of those flaws are fatal, the (should be) deal-breakers. They can't commit, they cheat all the time, they're emotionally and/or physically abusive, they are kray kray (another clinical term) - whatever it may be, it's clearly not a healthy scene for you. Yet, even when we do see them, we may choose to ignore them because we're chasing our fix - that heady, overwhelming, all-consuming feeling of love like when we first met. But sadly, just like with heroin (SO I'VE HEARD!!!!!!!), that first hit will always remain the sweetest.