Not All Flakes Melt in the Sunshine

There are dandruff flakes, cornflakes, flaky pastries, chocolate flakes and according to Wikipedia, flake is slang for cocaine (who knew?). There is flake tobacco, nanoflakes, lithic flakes, a song and a movie named "Flake" and apparently a manga called Flakes (again, credit is due to Wikipedia). While I'm an expert on flaky pastries, the rest of the list is pretty foreign to me. There is one last flake though...

Siblings with the People-Pleasers, the Flake is someone we all know and love to hate (or hate to love depending on who you are). We all have at least one person in our lives that we've come to begrudgingly accept that 9 times out of 10, they are not going to show up/call/follow through when they say they will. It could be a co-worker, a family member, a significant other, a friend, or unfortunately for you, all of the above. On a good day, it's annoying. On a bad day, it feels hurtful and disrespectful. While flakes come in all ages, shapes, races and genders, there are generally two kinds of flakes: the ones who are covertly people-pleasers and the ones who are dirtbags who don't care about your time or feelings. Hopefully, the Flakes in your life fall under category one; it makes their flakiness a little more palatable.

How can flakes be people-pleasers when their behavior is so inconsiderate? One of the great things about the Flake is their optimism. They believe with all their heart that they can be at 4 different places at the same time. They don't want to disappoint anyone by saying no, so they say yes...to everything. Strangely enough, as humans, we can't be at 4 different places at the same time (shocking!). The Flake, however, hasn't quite grasped this concept. Inevitably, they end up not showing up somewhere and pissing someone off. Then, because they don't want to deal with disappointing someone, they avoid letting people know they aren't going to show up, thus increasing the level of pissed-offedness.

You might be reading this and saying, "Hmm, this sounds familiar. Do I know someone like this?" After reflecting for a minute, you might realize that it could be you. You are the Flake! Let's confirm it to make sure. Here are 7 signs that you might could be considered a flake:

1. Your friends stop inviting you to events because you never come.
2. When you pick someone up, they aren't dressed yet because they didn't believe you'd show up.
3. People comment on how they weren't expecting you to come...even though you said you were.
4. When you arrive at a dinner party, there isn't a place setting for you because they weren't sure you were coming.
5. Co-workers seem to avoid working on projects with you, despite all your grace and charm.
6. When you say you're going to do something, people often respond with "I won't hold my breath."
7. Your friends ask you repeatedly if you're sure you're going to attend, even when you're at the event.

Sound familiar?

Now, if you're like me, I have a really difficult time dealing with flakiness; it is one of my top 5 pet-peeves. However, because some of the people I love most happen to be flakier than a croissant, I've learned a few coping strategies: Invite them to do whatever it is you were already planning to do. If they can't make it, it's fine because you were going to do it anyway. Invite someone else besides them. Try not to take it personally (this is something I'm working on) and be honest with them about how much it bothers you. If they're not a dirtbag flake and they truly value your relationship, that will hopefully motivate them to do better.

If you're a flake, it is possible to change your ways. We can excuse our behavior to ourselves, but it paints a negative picture to others. When you're considered a flake, people see you as unreliable and it's easy to dismiss you as not being a person of your word. Although most of the time the intentions behind saying yes are good, there's a lot of power in saying "Maybe" or "I'm not sure." It gives you some leeway; it's not a full-on commitment and if you can't go, then your friends already know that you might not attend. If you can go, everyone is so happy to see you and those invitations might start coming your way again.

Uh, What Just Happened Here?

You're at a party/wedding/Bar Mitzvah, guarding the snack table when you spot them. Eyes connect, world stands still, palms get sweaty, heart starts palpitating. Initally, you chalk it up to too much wine/beer/vodka, but eventually, when the two of you "just happen" to be standing near each other, you understand what it is. It's that spark that happens oh-so-rarely. The conversation begins and all the signs that GQ/Cosmo/Vogue talk about are there. He touches your arm repeatedly, she's so close, you can smell her shampoo, there is lots of eye-contact and smiling and borderline inappropriate comments are being made. A class on flirting could be taught based on your exchange.

Suddenly, there's a subtle shift. You sense that a third party has joined you. So mesmerized by their eyes/boobs/smile, you shrug it off and keep the conversation rolling. However, your partner is no longer dancing with you. As a matter of fact, their whole demeanor has changed. It seems like this third person may warrant some of your attention after all. Just as you're about to face them to give them the stink eye introduce yourself, the future love of your life informs you that this person, this rudus interruptus (not a scientific term), is their baby boo! WTF????!!!????!!!???????

You sir/madame, have just been the victim of a mixed-signaler.

Somehow, you manage to exit the situation gracefully, without injury to the couple. You begin to question yourself. Did you misread the situation? There was no ring, right? And she touched your leg A LOT. Wait - did they make any "we" comments that you chose not to hear? But he was all up in your personal space, standing close to you and smelling good. No, forget about that part, he did not smell good. He's bad and wrong and a stupidhead. She tricked you, like a tricky trickster!

So who are these mixed-signalers? They are the ones who have a hard time following through or making a decision and sticking with it. They come in all genders, all ages, all races. Some are professionals, while others fall into it unwittingly. Some do it once, while others do it often. Here are several types:

1. The Committed - these mixed-signalers already have a significant other. They enjoy reckless flirting and checking out what kinds of options they have. (I believe that it's okay for someone in a relationship to engage in a little harmless flirting, as long as they are up front about their relationship status.)

2. The Choker - after it's been well-established that there is serious chemistry going on between the two of you, the Choker essentially walks away without an exchange of information. *

3. The Vanisher - not only is there great chemistry, but there is a serious discussion of potential future plans and a demand for the number. However, this person is never to be heard from again.*

4. The Stringer Alonger - this is someone you've been dating for a minute and while they may act like they're your boyfriend/girlfriend, when it comes to actually making a commitment, they seem to have an allergic reaction. This also applies to someone you might have dated in the past.

*Both #2 and #3 may be acting this way because they are truly a #1.

Mixed-signalers aren't inherently bad; I'm sure at some point or another, most of us have been mixed-signalers. With so many options these days, it can be challenging to commit to a decision, from benign things like cereal or tennis shoes to more serious things, like hair plugs or relationships. However, it doesn't excuse them from this behavior. As survivors, it is up to us to confront them with their mixed-signaling ways and let them know it will no longer be tolerated!

The Power of Words

Recently, I was working with a personal trainer at the gym. We'd been working together for about 3 months and there hadn't been a significant shift on the scale. While that was annoying, it didn't really affect me too much...until he told me that someone of my height should (I really hate that word) weigh about 40 pounds less to be truly fit.

What the fudge?!!!! (Although, I guess I should stay away from the fudge.)

Thankfully, I know better and my self-esteem is intact. It was definitely bothersome to hear something like that, but what bothered me more was the feeling that what I know to be best for my body was perceived as a personal choice vs. what actually is healthy and looks good on my frame. At the end of the day, what the trainer thinks about me has no bearing on my life, but it still made me feel some kind of way.

When we strip away all the various methods of communication, what we're left with are words. Although the old adage "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," has been quoted often throughout our childhoods, it's quite untrue. Words can hurt. Often the most hurtful and cruel words are the ones that we remember most, regardless of how many lovely and positive ones we've heard before or after.

With conversation becoming a lost art, it's becoming more and more difficult for us to use our words in a thoughtful and meaningful way. We speak before we think and end up agreeing to do things we don't want to do, making promises we can't fulfill, or making someone feel bad. We'll be quick to fire off a text or email when we're upset without thinking through our intentions...or the consequences. Now, there are situations where something negative has to be expressed; last time I checked, we don't live in some kind of Pleasantville utopia. However, negative thoughts or feelings can best be expressed using diplomacy and tact. Need some examples?


Diplomatic: "Baby, I love you the way you are, but I know you're frustrated and concerned about how big your gut is getting. What can I do to help?"
Wrong: "That is the worst case of booty-do I've seen in a long time!"


Diplomatic: "I can tell you've put a lot of effort into the project. Would you be open to hearing some suggestions that might add to what you've already done?"
Wrong: "This project sucks."


Diplomatic: "I know you really like these jeans, but there's that one pair you have that looks even better on you."
Wrong: "I see we're getting dressed in the dark with our eyes closed again."

Words have a lot more power than we realize. Once they are out there, you can't take them back. This applies to both negative and positive things that are said. I strongly encourage everyone to use positive ones toward your loved ones as often as possible.