Settling vs. Compromise

In my younger days (I used to sport a shag), I knew that I was going to get married, have a couple of kids and settle down into a life that consisted of carpooling, family vacations and date nights with the hubby. Of course, this was going to happen by the ripe age of 28 because it was old enough to get married, but young enough that we could travel the world before starting our family. No, there was no white picket fence or Golden Retriever, but there was a nice Volvo parked in the garage of our 4 bedroom house with a view overlooking the city.

Ah, the delusions of being a baby child!

So now that I'm past (just barely though) the age of 28, with no hubby, no kids and most certainly no Volvo (or a garage to park it in), I have the hindsight to understand that I was not at all ready to have any of those things. But most importantly, when closely examining who I was dating or involved with in my younger days, there was no way I could have had that with them.

See, there was this prototype of the kind of man that I was going to marry. He was going to be a strong black man - tall, handsome, with a degree (preferably advanced, of course), a great career (with a sizable salary), who had great teeth and adored his mother. He would be an awesome father who knew how to cook and was both chivalrous and gregarious with a great personality. Best of all, he would be notoriously faithful and only have eyes for me.

I'd like to give a shout out to Hollywood for supporting me in my delusions.

It's not to say that this man doesn't exist; it's just that what I've described is pretty generic and sounds really good...on paper. What Hollywood often leaves out is that this great package also has some flaws. Romantic comedies have nothing to do with reality and the reality is that this man that I've described has some other not-so-great things about him. What happens when you discover your perfect person ain't so perfect after all?

Obviously, you stop dating them until you find "the one."

Just kidding! There will always be something about whomever you date that will get under your skin. Here's the real question: Is it a deal breaker? As we get older, those deal breakers often become a little more flexible. It's not because our standards are lower (at least I hope not!), but they become more realistic. More importantly, our priorities shift. A friend of mine said that they used to judge people who settled. After having more relationship and dating experience themselves, they realized that it may not have been settling; it could be that the person's priorities changed. I also believe we become more aware of what we have to offer and realize that it's unreasonable to have expectations of a mate that we don't have of ourselves.

However, there is a difference between settling and compromise. It can be difficult to decipher between the two, it's such a gray area. Here's my interpretation of the difference: settling happens when you operate and make a decision out of fear even if you know there is something significant missing in your relationship. Although everyone has their own beliefs about what is non-negotiable in their relationships, there are some common themes across the board. Attraction, similar beliefs/values/goals and common interests are most often the cornerstones of a relationship. If one of those is missing, it can be very difficult to find contentment within it. For example, you want you children but you are dating someone who doesn't. If you continue to date them because it's something fun and casual, that's one thing, but if you are dating them for fear that you won't get anyone else, regardless of the fact that you don't have the same desires, you may be settling (and headed for heartbreak). On the other hand, compromise is the acceptance of one's little idiosyncrasies and traits that may be irritating or less than ideal, but are essentially harmless. As a tall woman, I prefer a taller man. However, if I met a great guy who happened to be a little shorter than me, I'm not going to keep passing him by.

So are you settling or compromising? Only you (and probably most of your friends) know the answer. Are you choosing this person out of fear or because you genuinely enjoy who they are, quirks and idiosyncrasies included? Do you want steak, but keep accepting chicken nuggets?

And here's something else to consider - there may be things about us that the people we date may be flexible about. Shocking, yes? I am not perfect (allegedly), so as I've gotten older, I am appreciative that there are guys out there open to giving me a chance too. After all, aren't we all just a bunch of weirdos people looking for someone to accept our weirdness quirks?

Room to Grow

You were introduced in utero while your moms were in Lamaze class. You shared fun fruits (way better than fruit wrinkles) during snack time in preschool. You had the same teacher in 4th grade and you swapped sandwiches everyday at lunch time. You came up with your own language to pass notes in class. You called their mom "Mom" and you were always welcome to family events. You told each other secrets. Whatever your story is, you've known each other for a very long time. Over the years, you've seen each other through a lot. They were the first person you told when you lost your virginity. You went to the hospital when their mom was dying. They comforted you through your first heart break. You picked them up when they got a flat on the side of the road. They helped you move into your new apartment. You bought them groceries when they were broke. They are the godparent to your child. It's not even a friendship at this point; y'all are family.

That's totally awesome.

In having a friendship for so long, they've seen you at your best and your worst. They remember (and have pictures) of when you had a jheri curl or that you wanted to go to Hillman College. They remember that girl you dated that smelled like mothballs and fish sticks or that guy who had Slick tattooed on his chest and a talent for abusing the English language. (Thank goodness you have equally embarrassing information and pictures!) Fortunately, you've given each other the space to grow and change into the thriving adults you are today.

No, not so much?

It's so easy to keep our friends in a box based on how they were when you became friends. Were they a little socially awkward in 7th grade? Did they suck their thumb until the 11th grade? Does it seem like they still don't know how to pick the right person to date? Were they notoriously flaky in their early twenties? It's one thing if they are still that way, but if they have changed, have you changed how you view them? Have you changed how you treat them?

It can be very difficult to change your perception of someone, especially if you've known them for so long. Being a good friend is doing just that, accepting who they've become (or are trying to become) and allowing room in your friendship for the changes. Sometimes those changes are so drastic, you may have to take some time apart and come back together again. Hopefully, the bond will be strong enough that you'll be just fine.

However, if you don't give your friend the space to grow, they will make new friends who accept them as they are and not hold them to being the person they were. All of sudden, you look up and a year has passed; you have no idea what's going on in their life (other than the random FB postings) and you're left wondering what happened to your old friend. They outgrew the box you kept them in and created a life without you in it.

We tend to do this subconsciously; after all, we don't like change. How do you know you are stifling your friend? Here are a few signs:
1. We feel compelled to give them unasked for advice - on everything.
2. We play devil's advocate, which is basically questioning their ability to reason and weigh out various options. (Quite insulting, if unasked for.)
3. We bring up old stuff all the time that does not cast them in the best light.
4. We say things like "Well, you know how you are..." in the most condescending tone.
5. We "protect" them.

Sound familiar? If you do/say some of these things sometimes, that's one thing - we are human after all. If you're doing often enough that your friend has talked about how it bothers them, that's something different. They are essentially warning you that the nature of your friendship may soon be a-changing. Heed that warning and look at your behavior. What's the motivation behind it? Can you actually listen to your friend? Part of any relationship is open communication; platonic friendships are no different. If you want to preserve the ones you have, from the oldest to the newest, make sure you're giving each other the space and recognition of growth. That way you'll have someone who will move with you to the retirement community in Boca Raton.

Chicken Nuggets

It's your birthday/anniversary/promotion dinner. You're going to a famous/favorite restaurant. You know exactly what you're going to get: a big, fat juicy steak (for my vegetarian friends...I have no idea what the equivalent would be), with all the trimmings. You can practically taste it; it's going to melt like butter on your tongue, bursting with flavor and juiciness. You arrive and you don't even look at the menu because you're getting the muthaf*ckin' steak! You and your guest(s) are chit-chatting, sipping on your festive libations, when the waiter comes over to your table. S/he puts the plate on the table, removes the cover and presents to you the dinner you've been waiting for all night...a plate full of chicken nuggets. Although you've been salivating for steak, you shrug your shoulders, turn to the waiter and calmly ask for a side of honey mustard/barbeque sauce/ketchup and dig into those nuggets.

Don't get me wrong; chicken nuggets are good all on their own. You add a couple of dipping sauces, a small soda and a side of fries, you've got yourself a filling meal. But compared to steak? Not so much. While chicken nuggets may fill you up, they are not satisfying and will not take away the craving for steak. How many of us are will to accept chicken nuggets in lieu of the steak we really want?

While I intended to use this analogy primarily for relationships, if you think about it, it really applies to most things in our lives. It is the belief that we have to settle for things in our lives. We may be able to identify the things we want, but what we have right now is fine, because we know how to make do. We can make do with our jobs, our living situation, our partners, our friend's behavior...fill in the blank and we'll make do.

Is it wrong to settle? No, there is an element of settling that's inherent to the human condition. We can't have everything we want, when we want it, all the time. I don't even know if we have the capacity to recognize if we did have everything we wanted. Even Oprah is trying to figure out ways she can make more money. However, many of us settle because of fear and sometimes it's just plain easier. In some situations, I'd much rather have chicken nuggets than nothing. Yet, deep down, I know that I'll never be fully satisfied because I know there's a tasty steak out there with my name on it (dripping with butter and a side of garlic mashed potatoes and grilled asparagus). And I want it.

Sh*t, I deserve it.

Here's the best part; once you have steak, it's almost impossible to go back to chicken nuggets. Not only do they not taste as good, you just won't be able to stomach them. They won't even fill a basic need and you will learn to go without until you get that steak. And when you do get it, it will be the best thing you've ever had.

A Friendship Is Born

 

 

As children, one of the easiest things to do is to make a new friend. A simple "You wanna play tag/GI Joe/Barbies?" is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Throw in a "You wanna be my friend?" at the end of playing and it's done - friends. Unfortunately, our baggage from friendships past make a previously easy process into an emotional minefield. "Can I trust them?" "Will they get along with my other friends?" "Do we wear the same size in shoes?" - all important questions that come to mind when we consider adding a new friend to our lives. Also, it's much harder to befriend new people; as kids, we played with the neighbors and made friends at school. Now, we spend most of our time at work.

Which leads us to the vaunted work friendship. When we spend the bulk of our time at work (which totally gets in the way of real life), it's almost impossible not to develop relationships with our co-workers. Generally, we see them more than we see our friends, family and baby boos; it's not uncommon for people to have work husbands and wives. These relationships can be quite significant as they can make or break a job. I've had several jobs in which the people I worked with made the tedious monotony of what I was doing bearable. On the flip side, if you work with a bunch of people you don't like, it can make your job really awful, even if you enjoy the work you do.

While some people are able to have clear boundaries between work and home life, the personal and professional lines of a work relationship often get blurred. If there is someone you connect with and you see them everyday, it can be quite difficult to keep things on a totally professional level. After all, we're human and most of us thrive on human connection. How do we connect? We talk. A lot. About ourselves. How many conversations can you really have about how unfair it is that HR is cracking down on stapler use? Exactly. Inevitably, we start talking about other aspects of our lives - our friends, our kids, the cutie pie you conversated conversed with at the bar, the co-workers you don't like, etc. Before you know it, your co-worker has become your work friend and you're adding each other to your list of Facebook friends.

Although it may seem like a work friend is more of a tertiary person in your life, it's important to maintain harmony in that relationship. In some ways, it may be one of your most crucial relationships; you see this person five days a week and may be dependent upon each other to get work done (or cover for you when you're running late). If there is funk in your relationship, it could be detrimental to your career and create a hostile work environment. (I guess that's why folks are dissuaded from having office romances - it's never a good idea to sh!t where you eat. But that's a whole 'nother blog...)

If you're lucky, your work friend turns into a friend friend. The great thing is that when one of you inevitably leaves, you'll still be friends as you've discovered you have more in common than hating the new time sheet system and being enraged about the whole stapler situation. And when they move to a place named after an older black man (who knew there was a town out there called Jerome!), you'll have a reason to go somewhere new and a free place to stay.

Although I'm really (REALLY) sad to see her go, I'm very excited for my friend friend and this next journey she's about to embark upon. I will miss you alotta bit very much, but I'll see you soon. In Jeromey Rome.