The Apology

I do not like Dr. Phil. He is a blustering, self-serving buttnugget whose brand of therapizing is a gimicky blame and shame game. However, every now and again he'll drop some knowledge that resonates with me. Okay, really, it was only just once, but he's said it often enough that it stuck. When two people are funkin', he asks "Do you want to be right or do you want things to get better?" Simple, yet profound. I guess Dr. Phil is good for something.

So do I want to be right or want things to get better?

Of course, I want things to be better....and things are better when I'm right. Which means that the other person has to see things from my perspective, agree that it's the right interpretation of the situation and then apologize for not only being wrong, but for also thinking I was wrong in the first place.

That happens pretty much never.

The only apology that allows forward movement in a relationship is the sincere apology. Here is what a true apology looks like:

The Sincere Apology: "I am truly sorry. I've given it a lot of thought and I can understand how my behavior makes you feel ______. I will really work on being more considerate of your feelings." There's an expression of empathy, thought and consideration as well as planned behavioral changes to prevent creating a similar situation.

However, there are other types of apologies that masquerade as being sincere but they are not. Watch out for the following trickerative moves:

The Non-Apology Apology: "I'm sorry you feel this way."
This basically means it was not intended to evoke feelings of ______ about what happened, but the I'm sorry is designed to distract one from noticing there are no sorry feelings for doing whatever it is that caused those feelings.

The It's Really Your Fault Apology: "I'm sorry but if you hadn't done X, I would not have done Y."
Essentially, they are really not sorry and they are putting the blame back on you. Closely related to the Non-Apology Apology.

The Can We Avoid the Conversation Apology: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I was wrong. I'm sorry. Can you pass the potatoes?"
This is a placating apology, meant to distract the aggrieved party from focusing on the issue. They just want to get past it without really acknowledging the issue.

The Forced/Angry Apology: "Fine! I'm sorry! Are you happy now?"
This is similar to how your mom made you apologize to your brother for hitting him after he farted on your head. You would not apologize if you didn't feel forced and it is obvious by your tone you don't really mean it.

Unless someone was egregiously wrong, the likelihood of getting an immediate and sincere apology is often slim (and even then it may be iffy). We all want to be right; our perspective is the only correct and valid one. Unfortunately, when we get stuck in our perspective, we are ignoring the possibility to actually work on the relationship.When we are hurt, we can easily fall into the victim/martyr role. "They did this to me, they hurt me," becomes our mantra and sometimes an excuse for equally hurtful and punishing behavior. We forget that this person (hopefully) did not act with the intention of hurting us. What may have been the opportunity for growth becomes just another fight without any real resolution.

But that's okay, as long as we both know that I'm right.

Happy New Year's...at the End of March!

I know it's been a long time since my last post. I could give you a litany of reasons why, but the bottom line was that I just didn't feel like it. Writer's block, laziness, resistance to doing something work-like on my day off, my baby toe hurts...pick one and it would be true on any given Friday.

So if you're reading this, thanks for checking back in and if you missed me, I missed you back. :)

I'm not going to lie; 2012 was NOT my year. Sure, plenty of good things happened, but there were also plenty of setbacks, and 2013 couldn't come fast enough. New Year's Eve, spent in the company of great friends (and even greater champagne) was the day I laid my battered and bruised spirit down and woke up in a new year with renewed hope and energy. Yay!

What did I do differently you might ask? I made a commitment not to go shopping for a month, I made a commitment to eating healthier and I began training for a half-marathon (2 more days!). All of those things have stuck; I have more money in my pocket (to pay for busted windows because my car keeps getting broken into...grrr), I don't have to give said money to Weight Watchers to help me keep my weight down, and I believe that I can run those 13.1 miles without dying. I'm amazed too.

However, there are some things going on in my life that are constant reminders that I don't really have control over much like I delude myself into believing. I've always thought that if I put some positive energy, lots of thought into something (and rub Buddha's belly), then I would get what I wanted. I'd like to believe that I'm right about this, but there is some evidence that this is not always the case. This has been quite a painful lesson; not that I thought I was all-powerful, but still, maybe like a second-in-command? No?


Now we're fully ensconced in 2013. It's a new season and the days are longer; I would have thought by now my whole life would be different! Again, some good things have happened/are happening, but some of the setbacks and frustrations of 2012 have weaseled their way into 2013. Okay, maybe I haven't been as proactive in keeping them out...did I mention that I deluded myself into believing some things that were not true?

It's a good thing I don't believe in beating myself up. Life is hard enough; I've got to always be on my team and to tell Beverly to be quiet. Regardless of the good and the less good that's been going on in my life, I'm constantly learning. And sometimes, when I'm really feeling myself, I even use what I've learned and apply (reply) it!

So I'm making one more commitment - I'm going to do all that I can so that 2013 will evolve into a fantastic year. Just in case, keep your fingers crossed (but not your eyes).