The Jesus Year

Prior to my friend turning 33, I'd never heard of this concept of the Jesus Year. It may have had something to do with me being a heathen, but since it wasn't quite my turn to be 33, it also wasn't something to be concerned about. According to my friend, your Jesus year is when you turn 33 and everything magically falls into place. It's all about transitioning and transforming, growing into your true, adult self. I could get with it being called the Jesus year - it is rather magical to walk on water and if I could transform water into wine, I'd be the life of every party! Now that I'm about to turn 34, I only have one thing to say about being 33: Thank you Jesus, I'm glad it's almost over!

Yeah, 33 was NOT a magical year for me.

Before I start recounting all the terrible, horrible things that have happened this year, I will say this - they weren't truly that terrible or horrible. I still have all my fingers and toes, most of my faculties, and everyone I love is in relatively good health. I have a job, I'm surrounded by an amazing community of people, and I'm taller than your average chick. I don't want to sound whiney, complainy or ungrateful-y or put a bunch of negativity in the universe. My life is pretty good, has been pretty good and I believe will continue to be pretty good, possibly even fantastically awesome.

Great! Now that my gratitude to the universe is out of the way, let's talk about how this past year has been transformativeiin a really emotionally uncomfortable way.

Love: I was in love with Sexy Heroin (still!) and no matter how low I set my expectations, he managed to disappoint me anyway. (Really, a FB message shout out on my Jesus birthday? Not even a text?! SMH. #I'mnotbitter.) Boo. I met someone else and dated him. Yay. Until he got all freaked out about commitment. Boo. But I was able to let that go very quickly. Yay. And then got caught up with Sexy Heroin again. Boo. Finally I just quit all men, particularly Sexy Heroin. Yay.

Career: I was totally in love with my job when I was 32 and a half. A mere 6 months later, I was disillusioned, dissatisfied and done. What do you do with all that training and student loan debt? Who cares, I wanted out. And what did I want to be? Right, no clue. The whole prima ballerina thing was out and I was too old to be cast on the Real World so my options seemed limited. After being stressed and depressed about it for quite some time, I finally made a decision - clown school!

Friends: Actually, this area in my life has stayed consistently good. So to all my friends, I have this to say: Thank you for being a friend. Travel down the road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidante. And if you threw a party, and you invited everyone you knew, you would see, the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say, "Thank you for being a friend." *



Money: So, so little. So, so sad. What else is there to say? While I'm not broke, I am rarely content with the amount of money in my checking account. Do you know how exhausting it is to count every penny, nickel and dime? Riiiiiiiiiiiigghht, we're still recovering from the economic crisis of the Bush years. Still, I would like to buy a pair of shoes (everyday) without feeling a little guilty about it or worrying about my credit card debt (everyday). Yes, I know, it's that first-world drama sh*t. Forgive me.

Health/Mental Health: Overall, my health was fine. My knees started loudly complaining about working out, but generally speaking, it was good. However, I could not figure out how to make my booty bigger. Squats, lunges, running up the stairs...nothing. Does that count as health? Maybe that's more of a mental health issue. If you could imagine, all of these things that were not going right were making me feel wrong. Although I wasn't good at being depressed, I was getting better at it over this past year. All of these things were causing me to feel nauseous and giving me tension headaches. When was this "magical" year going to be over?!

2 more days.

Interestingly enough, a funny thing started to happen about 3 months ago. I relaxed into a state of radical acceptance. I stopped looking at how things were going wrong and focused on accepting them for what they were; only then could I actually make any necessary adjustments. This attitude shift is when more positive things began happening in my life. Work became more interesting. I started making a little bit of extra money. I started developing new skills to add to my resume. I took a vacation and was able to chill out and de-stress. And my love life...I'm going to keep that to myself, but I'm not sad about it.

I realize now that this year wasn't about the magic, it was about the transformation. Though this isn't the first time change and growth has happened for me, this is the first time I can actually see it happening and be present with it. It isn't something that I realized when looking back at various life events, it is something that I am doing and making happen. While I feel like this year has been very difficult, I walked away with this: things don't fall into place; you have to grab them, move them around and put them where you want. Otherwise, you'll just keep waiting for magic.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go practice turning water into wine. How else am I going to substantially improve my financial situation?



*All from memory, it's okay to be impressed.

The End of the Road

You move to Motownphilly for an exciting job opportunity. As expected, it's a little tough out there on the social scene, but you're finally invited to a party. You meet some folks and start hanging out. It's at brunch/happy hour/the club when you meet that person, your future baby boo. Before you know it, your life is in full swing once again. Yay, happy times!

Until they're not.

You're not sure how it happened, but like a too-tight sweater, your relationship doesn't fit anymore. You don't laugh as easily, the level of affection has declined, you bicker and argue all the time; you're just not interested in them anymore. When they say they'll make love to you, you say no thanks. Regardless of the reason, the water has run dry. Yet, you don't leave. You stay, trapped in a miserable relationship. Why? I mean, it seems straightforward enough - if you're unhappy and disinterested, you should leave. Right?


If only it were that easy, but sympin' never is.

One of the most important elements of humanity is attachment. It (hopefully) starts with our parents/primary caregivers; that attachment often sets the stage for how we make friends and form intimate relationships. Within those relationships, whether it's with a romantic partner, family member or friends, we allow the other person to see our truest self - eye boogers, morning breath and all. They've seen you at your best and your worst; how do you end it with someone who knows you so intimately?

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

That's why we stay. Despite the unhappiness, the craziness, the misery, it's difficult to imagine your life without this person in it. They know you and you know them. You've shared experiences and stories and secrets; they know about your abandonment issues and you know about their mommy issues. They know how to brighten your day and make you feel better. You know the exact ratio of peanut butter to jelly to put on their sandwich. There's all this love and history...how can you say goodbye to it?

Oh right, you're frickin' miserable.

And probably more than a little scared, particularly if this is a romantic relationship. What if this is the only person in the whole wide world that can stand you? What if you never meet anyone else who understands and supports your habit of having dark chocolate (which is good for you because it has antioxidants or something in it) for breakfast and cursing like a sailor? Will the next person inspire enough comfort for you to go boo boo in their bathroom? Most importantly, how are you going to deal with the pain? These unknown answers can be enough to make you stay...despite the unhappiness, craziness and misery. And until you are able to accept that this person will no longer be a part of your life, until you are able to move past your fear, you will stay.

Thanks For Screwing Me, Mom and Dad!

Regardless of race, gender, education, socioeconomic status and any other variable, there are a couple of universal truths about people. 1. We all like to talk about ourselves. 2. Our point of view is the most legitimate. 3. The person who is driving sooooooooooooo slowly in front of you is doing it intentionally to make you late (because they are a poorly raised, inconsiderate, no driving skills having jerk-offs who have no concept of time and are being rude and disobedient). However, the one that comes up the most often (and the reason people come to my office) is that people have issues! Your issues may look different from the person sitting next to you at the bar, but both of you have them.

And who are to blame for these issues? That's right, Mumsy and Dada.

It's unavoidable, your parents have f*cked you up in some way or the other. Whether it's your fear of abandonment, your aversion to intimacy or the need to be spanked and told that you've been very naughty in public, many of these issues stem from your relationships with your primary caregivers. Of course, this is a gross generalization; other relationships and experiences also influence how you perceive the world. However, it's the relationship that you have with your parents that have a significant influence on how you relate to others, in both positive and negative ways. The coldest part about it - we often don't realize how all of this plays out. It's on such a subconscious level, we don't see that we have these issues until they somehow bitch-slap us in the face. And that's if we're lucky. Some of us are destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over again because we can't see how we keep playing out these (sometimes dysfunctional) roles in our relationships with friends, co-workers and lovers.

Isn't that awesome? We can totally blame someone else for our shenanigannery and ridiculosity.

Hold up...aren't you a grown up? No? Carry on then, keep blaming your parents for being a douche. And continue to call them Mumsy and Dada.

For those of us who are adults, there comes a certain point in our lives that we can no longer hold our parental units responsible for our issues. While our relationship with them may be the root cause of some of our behavior and choices, we have the ability to do something different. We are not under contract to continue to perform the same old roles that may have been handed down generation to generation. We can stop being abusive/needy/insecure/bitter people if we want to. We can stop punishing our loved ones and holding them responsible for the mistakes of our parents. And for good measure, we can also try to forgive our parents. That doesn't mean you have to welcome them into your life with open arms, especially if they caused you a lot of pain and trauma, but it could be a huge relief to let go of any anger and resentment toward them. After all, they're just people who were f*cked up by their parents, same as you.*
 
It can be quite an undertaking to acknowledge and work on some of these issues; many folks aren't ready to do that. Having someone else to blame for your mistakes is so much easier than taking responsibility for them. However, until you do, you will also remain a powerless victim of your past. Unfortunately, you can't change the past (unless you're one of those time travelers, but then you could seriously upset the balance in the universe and something crazy like Mitt Romney becoming president might happen), but you can always change your present. There are plenty of people who are professionally skilled in helping you do that.


I double-dog dare you to work those mommy/daddy issues out and move forward in your life. Actually, I'm triple-dog daring you. Now what?




*By the way, if you have procreated or are planning to, you too will also f*ck up your children in some form. It's okay, it's part of your job description; they wouldn't be normal if you didn't.