New Year's Resolution: No New Year's Resolutions!

Well, 2011 is about to be over. For some, it may have been a great year, but there are plenty of others who are excited to say "F*ck off 2011, and kiss my a$$ while you're at it!" Although I'm a firm believer that you can change your life at any time, there's something so appealing about starting fresh at the beginning of a new year. We're ready to shed some old habits and pick up new, healthier ones, especially since we're older and(allegedly) wiser. This is the time to get our lives together for reals because it's a new year.

Hahahahahahaha.

Sorry if my laughter seems a little cynical; I'm not trying to crush anyone's dreams of getting in shape/volunteering/learning a new language/traveling more/watching less television/closing their FB account. Here's the thing about resolutions - they can be kind of a set up for failure. We're so gung-ho about starting/quitting something at the beginning of a new year, we often forget to assess whether we're truly ready to do it. Think about it - how many of your resolutions have been the same for the last several years? Are you still trying to quit smoking? Cut back on eating out? Spend more time with family and friends? Resolutions signify a change and we all know changing ain't easy (and apparently, neither is pimping).

So my resolution for this New Year's Eve - no resolutions! Yeah, I'm kind of a rebel.

I encourage you to do the same; kick back and just enjoy your New Year's Eve! Instead, take a look back on 2011 and reflect on what was awesome about it and what made it awful. Take the time to really think about what goals are realistic for you and your life (winning the lottery is NOT a realistic goal). Most importantly, figure out if you're actually invested in achieving those goals; if losing 20lbs has been on your list of New Year's resolutions for the last 7 years, maybe you're not ready to do it. If there are changes you want to make in your life, do it when it's the right time for you, whether it be January 1st or March 27th. Otherwise, come February, you'll be lamenting the $29.95 per month gym membership you signed up for and used approximately 3 times since you got it. (I understand, the gym is so crowded in January, how can anyone work out in that madness?! Mmhmm.)

I wish everyone a fun and safe New Year's Eve. Party like a rock star! (But a responsible one, not one who trashes hotel rooms and bites the heads off chickens.)

Deck the Halls, Not Your Mom

With the Chrislamakwanzaakah season in full throttle, we are inundated by holiday songs and invitations to be merry with our co-workers, family and friends. Our offices have wreaths on their door and the army of Santas have been dispatched to malls everywhere for kids to come sit in their laps and tell them what they want for Christmas. There are trees to decorate, candy canes to eat and presents to wrap, all the while maintaining a demeanor of holiday cheer.

T'is the season to be jolly...allegedly.

But for many, the holiday season represents more pain than pleasure. While some of us are out there enjoying our figgy pudding and sneaking kisses under the mistletoe, there are an equal number of people who have decided that this time of year is better spent with the shades drawn and their heads buried under the covers until January 2nd. Bah humbug and a merry f*#k you.

There are many factors that contribute to the holiday blues*. For a lot of people, it stems from childhood and how the holidays were (or were not) celebrated. We can talk a good game about how the holidays are about being with family and friends, blah, blah, blah, but when you're a kid, it's all about the presents. If you grew up in a family with limited resources, this time of year is a bright, shining reminder of what you didn't (or still don't) have. If your childhood in general was a morass of suckitude, the heightened atmosphere of familial connectedness can easily take you into depressed mode as you remember all that sucked, particularly around this time of year. Here are some other possibilities:

1. You don't like your family and all the fakery and pretending is very stressful.
2. Santa-phobia.
3. You hate shopping for presents.
4. You're far away from your family and can't afford to get home.
5. You have to work on all the days everyone has off.
6. Holidays = cold as hell outside.
7. You don't believe in the commercialization of the holidays but feel forced to buy presents for people you don't even half like and it's your hard money that you're begging "the man" to give you just so you can give it back to "the man" for people you don't even like.
8. All your favorite shows are interrupted by holiday specials and old Christmas cartoons.
9. Grandma got run over by a reindeer.

So what should one do to overcome the holiday blues? 2 words - spiked eggnog. Just kidding (but only because I don't like eggnog, I prefer mulled wine).

It's okay to be in a holiday funk, especially if your life (and finances) are currently in a disarray. But there are a few things that make the holiday season at least a little bit bearable:

1. All the sales!
2. Your favorite mochachocolattacino now comes in peppermint and eggnog flavor.
3. Seeing your boss hammered at the office holiday party.
4. No work for at least a day or two (or more if you're super lucky).
5. Spending time with your friends (aka your family of choice).
6. Mulled wine. (No, seriously, it's really good.)
7. Skiing.
8. Ugly holiday sweater party.
9. All the desserts people bring to work.
10. The gym is virtually empty because people want to make their New Year's weight-loss resolution really worth it.
11. Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo.


See, there is happiness to be found in the holiday season! You just may have to look a little harder to find it. I mean seriously, who can resist the charms of Mr. Hanky?!

Anyway, if you do find yourself to be in a bah humbug mood this season, I strongly encourage you to stay away from malls, reindeer and little people that wear pointy shoes and help Santa make toys.

Happy holidays!




*If you find that your holiday funk starts to bleed into the new year, you may be experiencing something more serious and you should talk about with your health provider or therapist.

Wherever You Go, There You Are

I'm sure that quotation was stated by someone very important long ago, but I remember it from the Brady Bunch movie (yes, I saw it, don't judge me). To briefly recap for those of you who allegedly haven't seen it: Mr. Brady often gave fatherly advice that made no sense and left the kids perplexed. This was one of the statements he made and it made me laugh because it was so...duh. However, the more you think about it, it's really quite true - wherever you go, there you are. Essentially, you can never escape yourself.

It's pure genius. (Not evil genius, just regular old genius genius.)

Many of us spend our whole lives trying to do just that. Not necessarily in a conscious and literal "I'm trying to escape myself" kind of way, but more in a "If I could just (fill in the blank), I would be a better person" kind of way. But really, you're still going to be the same person, regardless (disirregardless) of what that thing is. So even if you win the lottery or lose weight or get a better job or have a baby, you're still going to be you. You'll just be a richer, skinnier, better-employed parent version of yourself.

Is that a bad thing? No, not at all. Unless of course, you don't like who you are. Oh wait - is that why you're trying to escape yourself? Then there might be a problem. Fixing what's damaged on the inside cannot come from the outside. Often, what we're seeking is external validation that we're okay. However, it won't ever be enough because the only person whose acceptance you really need is your own. (Kind of sounds like one of those 80s PSAs that are trying to discourage teens from succumbing to peer pressure. Whatever. Honey badger don't care.)

I know I made it sound hella easy and simple. "Just accept yourself and everything will be o-kay." Ha! If it was that easy, who would need therapy? A lot of that self-love and self-acceptance mumbo-jumbo actually starts externally, when we are babies. Our parents are the ones who are supposed to lay down that foundation. Unfortunately, there are lots of parents out there that didn't get the memo and didn't do it. So now as adults, we have to do it for ourselves.

How does one do that? Here is a step-by-step guide on how to accept yourself:

1. Figure out your strengths.
2. Figure out your flaws.
3. Decide if your flaws are all that bad.
4. Surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally.
5. Accept yourself.

See? That's not so bad, right?

Okay, okay, my "guide" wasn't really that helpful, I know. (I accept that about myself, that I didn't write a helpful guide about accepting oneself.) Although you really do have to dig deep within yourself to learn self-acceptance, there are some external factors that can be quite helpful in that journey. Step 4 is very crucial - having a community in which you belong or a support network of friends and/or family is important. If we feel low about ourselves, it can be difficult to identify and acknowledge our strengths and positive characteristics. so sometimes we need outside forces to remind us about what makes us great.

The downside to this self-acceptance journey? It takes time. If you are someone who experienced some kind of trauma during your formative years (i.e. abuse, neglect, abandonment), it can be challenging to undo all those years of negative self-talk; at a certain point it becomes automatic. I encourage you to seek help, whether it be with a therapist or some kind of support group. If you are not happy with who you are, no matter what things you add to your life, nothing will fix that but you. It may take a while, but it's worth it because wherever you go, there you are. 

You May Be Right, But Totally Wrong

As people, there are a multitude of things we all do all the time. Besides the obvious autonomic human functions, we eat, we sleep, we talk, we laugh, we brush our teeth...the list goes on and on. Although we do have choices in whether we do these things or not (I'm sure someone has an example of a small Amazonian culture that does not believe in bathing of any kind), most of us do them on autopilot. However, there is one thing on this list that we don't like to admit we do, despite doing it all the time.

I'll give you a hint: we do it everyday. We make big ones, we make small ones. Sometimes it can cause a mess, make a stink.

Hmmm, what could it be?

Okay, I'll tell you.

Judgments.

What did you think I was talking about? Dropping the kids off at the pool? Nah, I know plenty of people who are quite proud of that accomplishment.

Most people would like to believe that they are above judging people. But the truth is, we make judgments about people all the time, every day. We judge what they're wearing, we judge how they act, we judge what they look like. We make judgments about how much money they make or their sexuality. We're constantly judging and more often than not, comparing ourselves. “I would never let myself get that fat,” we think. “I'm always on time, why is s/he always late?”. “That's not how someone should dress if they're trying to look professional, not like a professional.” So on and so forth.

If we're all doing it, why are we so reticent in admitting to it? It's not wrong to make judgments; it's how we learn from others' experiences. The problem lies in what we do with those judgments, namely how we treat others based on how we've interpreted the information. Especially if we're talking about our friends.

How many of us have watched a friend do something totally stupid (in our “humble” opinions)? Or get involved in a situation that had red flags so big you could see them from space? According to my unscientific, self-created statistics, that's basically 99.99999% of the human population. Okay, everyone put your hands down. Now...how many of you saw your friend differently once they were engaged in this stupidity? Okay, a few less people have their hand raised. Lastly, how many of you treated your friends differently? Mmhmm. And what's your friendship like now? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that it has irrevocably changed....but I'll make no judgment about if it was for the better or the worse.

Our job as a  friend is to try to protect our friends from imminent danger, whether it be from a Miami drug cartel (uh, who are you hanging out with?), a crazy Nigerian pyramid scheme or from a broken heart. The operative word is try. We cannot live their lives, nor can we think that we know what's best for them. Although we may feel we can see the whole forest for the trees, we only have the perspective of the outsider. We have no idea what it's like on the inside of the forest; there may be little wood nymphs that make flower wreaths and give amazing foot massages. All we see is a dark, impenetrable and possibly scary-ass forest where we assume lions and tiger and bears live. Although it may seem like we know what's right, we have no idea because we're not in the situation, whatever it may. But I'll bet money that we have been...it's just different because it's our experience, right? #youcandishitbutcanttakeit.

[SIDEBAR] Is it just me, or does it seem like the most judgmental (and quite vocal) people tend to also be the most tight-lipped and sneakative (sneaky + secretive, NW)...ahem, I mean private people? They can talk all day long about what you've got going on, but when it comes to their own skeleton-riddled forest, they are suspiciously quiet.

Anyway...

As being both the judge and the judged, our relationships can be seriously altered when we don't feel like we can trust our friends with all the details. One of the major joys of friendship is feeling unconditionally loved and accepted, regardless of how dirty, stupid, irresponsible and trifling we can be at times. Our friends are not our family – we get to choose them. Even if we disagree with what they are doing, it's also a part of our job to support them anyway (with individually determined boundaries of course) and pick them up when they've fallen down...without the I-told-you-sos preferably. Okay, you can think it, just don't say it out loud.

“The hardest thing to accept is that your friend is an adult and will make decisions that you disagree with. The best thing you can do is love them and be there for them if it doesn't work out, just like you knew it wouldn't.”  The best advice given to me by my mother.