The Decision

You're at the farmer's market, looking for the perfect shaved fennel to add to the gourmet feast you've been planning for the last 4 minutes. (Is there such a thing as shaved fennel? That's an excellent question.) That's when it happens - you and this gorgeous creature reach for the organic smoked rhubarb (?) at the same time, lock eyes and it's a wrap. For the next few weeks/months/years, you and this person are in love; it's for really real serious like. And then one day, for reasons unbeknownst to you, they reach into your chest, grab your heart, throw it on the floor and do the Mexican hat dance on it. By the time they're done, your heart is a negligible smudge on the carpet.

Ain't love grand?

After the shock wears off, there are 4 phases of bitterness you go through:

1. Dead heart phase - I hate love. And people. I will never love anyone ever again because love sucks and people suck. I almost hate myself because I am a people and they are just terrible.
2. Slwhore (slut-whore, the wh is silent) phase - Love still sucks, but people suck less because you can have sex with them. And love, that terrible emotion, does not have to be included. As a matter of fact, it can't be included because I have no heart.
3. Tired slwhore phase - I'm tired of sleeping with people whose names I can't remember, but I still can't completely shake off this negative feeling about love.
4. Acquiesence phase - Love...I have some hazy memories of it being good sometimes. I think I might could be kind of ready to be open to thinking about maybe allowing myself to get in touch with those feelings again.

When we get to stage four, that's usually an indicator that we're ready to start dating again. Unfortunately, most of us choose stage three to stick our baby toes in the water. It's pretty self-explanatory; we're tired of the meaningless humping so we think that's a sign that we're open to love. However, since we haven't quite shaken off those last dregs of bitterness, we're still a bit reluctant to get our hearts tangled up with another person.

That's when the universe really decides to f*ck with you. Enter new gorgeous creature.

Your friend's partner/spouse/boo thang finally joins the local bowling/softball/roller derby team and there's someone who may just be perfect for you. Since you're in the tired slwhore phase, you (albeit reluctantly) allow yourself to be introduced. Yeah, they are hecka cute and you like the way their jeans fit their butt. They make you laugh and touch you a lot when you're talking. It feels good - you can almost remember how much you liked flirting. Yet, you can't get too enthusiastic - the last time all this happened, your heart was obliterated and you're just not sure if you can go through that again.

Damn, they got a nice booty!

That's when you have to make the decision. Many of us have found ourselves in situations where it seems like we blacked out and woke up in the monkey house. However, that's not really what happened; we didn't make a decision about what we wanted to do and allowed ourselves to get swept along. When we act without intention, especially in relationships, it can be easy to find our hearts trampled. Not that intention prevents heartbreak, but it stings a bit less when you are a fully present participant.

They sure seem smart. And funny. And they got that booty.

To date or not to date, that is the question. If you're honest with yourself (and are acting with integrity), you know where you are. You may be just a little too reluctant - the thought that this new person could at some point hurt you is too much of deterrent to pursue anything with them. But maybe, just maybe, you make a small decision to be open to the possibility.

See, that wasn't too hard!

I know we all have our baggage; it's difficult not to drag it from relationship to relationship. However, it's up to you whether or not you take all the crap out - all the dirty drawls, the funky socks and that Frankie Says Relax t-shirt you forgot about before you move on to the next person. You can't get rid of all of it, but you can definitely lighten your load. You just have to decide to do that. That's the hardest part, making that decision. Hopefully, if the intentions behind it are healthy, it will turn out the way you want it to. And you get to rub on that booty all you want.

A Question of Integrity

in·teg·ri·ty n.

1. Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.
2. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.

hon·es·ty n.

1. The quality or condition of being honest; integrity.

2. Truthfulness; sincerity: in all honesty.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com

Integrity and honesty. I believed these two words to be synonymous (even www.thefreedictionary.com agrees) until there came a time in my life when I truly experienced the difference between the two. In the nuance of this slight difference birthed a turning point in my life which was profound. So this is a story about when my life got twisted and turned upside down. I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there while I tell you how I became the Princess of Belle Lumière*. (Just bear with me people; Will Smith, thanks for the lines).

 

We have all been in that place where we met someone we were excited about, right? Oh, his muscles, her eyes, his teeth. Ok, maybe the last one is just me, but the point is, we’ve had butterflies in our stomachs and felt the anticipation of what the future may hold with this new person. I don’t necessarily mean the future as in forever; it could be the excitement for a fun summer fling or a roll in the hay kind of good time. I can speak for myself and say I’ve definitely been there and it’s pretty awesome. Ultimately, I think most of us humans are prewired to look for love and sync in when it feels like there’s a connection with another person. I mean, it’s kinda like what Michael said.

Now, with this prospect we inevitably have to ask ourselves “Where am I in my life in relation to what this person is presenting?” Some options may be:

1. I’m ready for LOVE!! I wanna get married, stat! When/if the time is right and you have a good FICO score, no felonies and can be a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed!

2. I’m single and ready to mingle...with you and you and you!

3. I’m open but cautious.

4. I’m emotionally unavailable but totally available for some touchy-feely good times (from heavy petting up to and including sexy times).

5. I’m emotionally unavailable and if you touch me you will feel like you got mauled by a dog breed that I won’t mention because that’s discriminatory.

6. Love don’t live here no more.

7. I’m hung up on this last ex/situation/fling/person who’s now just my friend but they broke my heart and I’m not over them because I love them so much and if they give me the time of day again I will run back to them in a heartbeat because loving like that hurts so good.

8. Fill in the blank because there’s plenty more that I don’t have room to put on here.

 

The million dollar question: how often do we share with our datng prospects how we feel? I would venture to say not often enough. In this game we play called love, it's best to shoot for the truth. The other person deserves to know about where you are; they deserve your integrity. You also deserve that from them. When someone says, "Hey, what’s your status?" it's much easier to say, “Oh, you know, I’m dating here and there,” than to acknowledge it's #5 so that the poor guy doesn’t lose a hand when trying to get to first base. It’s not easy to be vulnerable enough to really say all that's going on with you or what your headspace is, but integrity goes a long way. It gives people the option to decide how they want to interact with you and it liberates you from feeling guilty or annoyed if your new boo is talking about the weekend (or two-week long) trip you'd planned when in actuality you can’t see them past tomorrow and want to go with someone else. Now, please don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you should come out of the gate with #1 either and talk about potential wedding colors. However, there is a very happy, respectful medium that most of us single folks choose to gloss over.

Let’s get back to our definitions of honesty vs. integrity. Honesty means not lying, being sincere and telling the truth. Integrity, on the other hand, comes up when you’re not necessarily prompted, asked or coerced. It’s about a “steadfast adherence to [your] strict moral or ethical code.” It is about you saying to yourself, "I know where I am in my life and I want to make sure that I walk and speak in integrity in my romantic relationships so that no one is ever misled or hurt by my lack of integrity." In rare cases, you may not really know where your head is. That’s when option #8 becomes “I don’t know what the hell I want or what I’m doing, I just know that I feel unsettled” and that’s probably when you shouldn’t deal with anyone. This is a tall order, I know.

Here's my story: it wasn’t until I was in a situation where someone didn’t have integrity with me about where they were in their life that I felt what it was like to move in one space when someone was in a completely different one. It was hurtful and ultimately ridiculous because it all could’ve been avoided had they had integrity about where they were with me and maybe even themselves. I am not a victim and I accept my role of complicity in this (a whole other blog topic that is equally fascinating). As a result, this experience has challenged me to be more deliberate and integrity-minded as I meet other people. The challenge here is to do your best at all times. We aren’t perfect, but as I was once told, we can always “do better.”

Signing off,

The Princess of Belle Lumière

*This post was written by a guest writer, The Princess of Belle Lumière.

Maybe This Isn't Love

According to most romantic comedies, there's this moment, usually surrounded by some kind of conflict (love triangle, crazy ex-spouse, surprise - this is your kid!), in which you realize that you're in love with that certain someone. Although love is a concept that's not tangible, movies have this way of making sure the audience knows that the protagonist is now in love. They start looking at their beloved with googly eyes or they passionately kiss them or they run accross town to stop them from getting on a plane; whatever the scene, it often involves a montage with love songs. Unfortunately, it's not always so obvious in real life.

When asked how they knew they were in love with their boo, most people say, "I don't know, I just knew. I had this feeling, ya know?" (Uh huh. That's a great way of explaining it.) Having been in love once before, I do know what they're talking about. However, also knowing how that situation worked out (Sexy Heroin), me thinks that my understanding of what love really looks/feels like is a little bit screwed skewed. That's why I don't watch romantic comedies anymore without a small box of skepticism. And sour patch kids (but only when I'm feeling especially bitter).

After many conversations at the bar and lots of deep introspection (usually in a tropical venue with a fruity cocktail), I have put together a list of beliefs that are a result of some of my experiences...which is probably why my love life has been soooooo fucking difficult interesting. If none of these sound familar, congratulations, you may have a healthy, realistic sense of love!

La di da, stop bragging now. Rude.

Here's the list:

1. My feelings for this person must be intense and overwhelming in order for it to be love.
2. If you've never cried over someone while lying on the floor in a fetal position, it's not love.
3. Love is complicated and difficult.
4. You can't possibly love someone if you don't fight a lot.
5. Jealousy = love.
6. If there isn't the slightest bit of insecurity, how can you really love them?
7. There must be a constant push/pull dynamic.
8. Lotsa sex, all the time.
9. Love means accepting them as they are...including their bullsh*t ways of treating you.

What I am discovering is that while these things can and do exist in love relationships, this isn't actually what love has to look like. How I figured this out is between me and the highlighted passages of various self-help books. Here's what I'm beginning to understand about my misconceptions:

1. Intense and overwhelming - those are great feelings to have about someone, it's most definitely a high. But most of the time, it's just good old-fashioned lust. I know, I know, it can be difficult to discern between the two, especially when there's a party in your pants.
2. Your feelings will inevitably get hurt whenever you love someone. Hopefully, if you're on the floor in the fetal position it's because you're kind of dramatic.
3. There's a rumor going around that it's actually not that complicated - it's quite easy. That must be nice.
4. I'm a lover, not a fighter. While it's important to discuss your feelings and that may cause a conflict, it doesn't have to be a fight. Fighting does not necessarily mean you're more passionate about your relationship; it could just mean you're an asshole who likes to start sh*t.
5, 6, & 7. Someone who really loves you makes sure you know your role in their life, how important you are to them and how they feel about you. That often takes care of the jealousy and insecurity (although there are some people who just happen to be that way regardless of what you do - they are not fun to date, by the way). There is no push/pull because you are right where you're suppposed to be - by their side.
8. I know there's an ebb and flow to people's sex drives. People get tired, they have kids, they're gassy...nope, holding on to #8.
9. This is a tough one, because all we want is for someone to accept us for who we are, including the smelly feet and the beanie baby collection. However, when their unique specialness (and issues) impacts their ability to treat us well, we have to draw the line. Being a douchebag is not an acceptable quality.

I guess I'm growing or something. But I will continue to scoff at romantic comedies - I mean how does a waitress afford a huge loft apartment in Manhattan and never has any morning breath or boogers? Come on.