Are Your Glasses Rose Colored?

In some way, we all live in a state of denial. For most of us, it's pretty mild and mostly harmless. With the help of really good friends (and sometimes an excellent therapist), it's difficult to live there all the time. They are there to kindly hold up the mirror and point out the discrepancies between what we say and what's actually there. Of course, we have to be open to receiving this feedback. Otherwise, we may be living in denial a lot longer than is healthy. For example, several years ago, I lost a lot of weight. I've never considered myself to be a skinny woman, so when friends started calling me skinny, I didn't really believe them. However, when a friend told me my head looked too big for my body, I realized that maybe I need to eat a burger...with fries...and a shake. (Problem has been over-solved at this point!)

A little bit of denial can be good for us; it's a protective measure that allows us to see ourselves in a good light. It helps us believe in our strengths and abilitites and to interact with the rest of the world. It doesn't mean we're unaware of our flaws and issues necessarily, it just gives us some respite from them and time to work on them. When we discover something about ourselves that we don't like, it can be very easy to fixate on them and allow them to define who we are. A dollop of denial gives us the chance to walk away and come back to it when we are ready. There's only so much work we can do on ourselves at a time; it's a life-long task. However, serious problems can arise when our denial runs too deeply. It often starts manifesting in detrimental and sometimes very risky behavior. What if my friend hadn't said anything? I could have continued on this weight loss path and lost all of my booty!

In all seriousness, when we don't deal with things, even at a snail's pace, we find some way to cope. This often involves finding some way to stay in denial, including using drugs and/or alcohol. We may also create more issues to avoid dealing with the real problem or engage in behaviors that cause our fears to be realized. Low self-esteem? Let's be friends with someone who belittles us and makes us feel bad. Fear of abandonment? Let's be a jerk to our partner and push them away. Don't want to be considered a bad parent? Let's ignore our child's developmental issues and hope they outgrow them.

It can be difficult to know when we're in denial, but there tend to be signs that we actively choose to ignore. Here are 7 signs that you may be in denial about some things in your life:

1. Several close friends/family have brought it to your attention.
2. You find yourself in the same situation over and over again.
3. It's never your fault.
4. Everyone else is wrong.
5. You're hiding it from even those you trust the most.
6. You rationalize the behavior/feelings.
7. You believe your situation is unique and the exception to the rule.

Any of these sound familiar? Of course not, there's nothing in your life to be in denial about!

Number 6 stands out the most for me. I always know I'm doing something “wrong” when I don't share it with my closest friends so I do a lot of confessing. I barely give myself enough time to eat a meal in the land of Denial. But that's just me. I encourage you to do things at your own speed – just don't sign a lease for a residence there.

Do you have friends that are in serious denial about something? What do you do when you see it? Do you feel it's your job to bring it to their attention? Under what circumstances? How long do you stay in denial before you feel compelled to do something about it?