We May Deserve It...But Can We Afford It?

One of the greatest perks about being an adult is that you get to decide for yourself. You can wear white after Labor Day if you want, listen to opera if you want, shop at Target if you want, live in a loft if you want, eat ice cream for breakfast if you want...you get the picture. After seemingly endless years of our parents telling us what we can and cannot do, we finally get to do what we want to do.* Yeah, I've been an adult for a while, but there are still times when I feel like I should be asking someone's permission, whether it be a parent or friend. Generally, I don't, but there's still this sense of checking to make sure that what I want is okay.

However, it seems that for some, that power to decide comes with another facet - a sense of entitlement. I believe that as we get older, our sense of what we deserve or are entitled to gets stronger. It allows us to rationalize the things we want into things we need, regardless of whether we can afford it or not. Do I deserve that new dress? Or a new car? Or a trip to Paris? Um, hell yeah, I deserve it! I'm a nice person, I help short people reach things on the high shelves and I work hard - therefore, I get to play hard. I am entitled to drive my new car to the airport so I can catch a flight to Paris to buy my new dress, dammit!

Here's the problem: I don't have thousands of dollars to do that. My credit card does though....Hmmm. What to do?

While there are definite times when I get the financial f*%kits, something of this magnitude is not something I can just shrug my shoulders about and let Visa take care of it. But I'm sure I can find the dress...and that's exactly what gets us in trouble. Since we know we don't have money for the big stuff, it makes it much easier to spend money on the smaller, seemingly affordable stuff. The thing is, when we don't have money, we don't have money, regardless of what MasterCard may be whispering in our ear. When we put items on our credit cards because we don't have money in our bank accounts to pay for it, that could be an indicator we may be living above our means. (Please click on this link to see if this is you.)

That's such a bummer. I think I need to buy some shoes to go with my new dress to make me feel better about living above my means.

So what do you do when you're living above your means? First, track your money and figure out where it's all going. Once that is done, create a spending plan (aka budget). Many people have an adverse reaction when it comes to following one, but it's the easiest way to gain control of your money. It also helps you understand where you might be able to cut some of your spending; I'm sorry, but cable will never be a necessity! You can also hire someone to help you. Now, I've heard several people say they don't want to go to a financial planner until they get their money in order. That's like saying I'm not going to use birth control until after I accidentally get pregnant. Kinda silly, right?

Our relationship with money has a huge impact on everything - our lifestyle choices, our mental health, our physical health, our relationships. If we don't get it to a functional and healthy space, we're going to be eating cat food when we're old because we don't have any retirement money. Although I may deserve that trip to Paris, I also deserve to be clothed, sheltered and fed. Visa and MasterCard could help me get there, but in the end, I think I should just save up for it and go when I can afford it.




*Within the legal confines established by the law, of course.

Work - A Respectable Addiction?

America has a problem. We've become a culture of workaholics. In the face of the recession, those of us who are still employed, have become even worse, trying to prove our worth by staying late and going above and beyond our job requirements. With the combination of fear, stress and job dissatisfaction, slowly but surely, work is killing us.

Remember Aesop's fable about the ant and the grasshopper? The ant worked all summer storing food while the grasshopper played and when winter came, the grasshopper had no food. American work culture has become based on this. However, instead of resting and enjoying the benefits of our hard work, we keep on working. I know several people who make A LOT of money and guess what? They don't ever have time to spend it because they're too busy...working.

Don't get me wrong; there's nothing wrong with hard work. There will always be days when there are projects and deadlines that need more time and attention. If you're building your own business, it takes even more time and dedication, especially in the beginning stages. However, I've noticed a trend where people are trying to out-martyr each other about work.

A: Hey, where were you last night? You missed happy hour.
B: I was at work. I didn't get home until after midnight.
A: Oh! Gotcha. Yeah, the other day, I didn't get home until 2 am, working on a project.
B: That's nothing. One time, I didn't even go home because of a deadline.
A: Wow. Well, that's nothing. At my last job, I had a little blow-up bed under my desk because I was staying at work so much.
B: Oh yeah? At this one job, I didn't even have an apartment, I just lived at work and showered at the gym.
A: Ha! You got to shower?! I once had a job where I lived there, didn't have enough time to shower and had to take care of the office monkey who insisted on throwing paper and banana peels at me all the time. So I win.

People! This is nothing to be proud of! We already spend 8-10 hours a day at work. And now that we're living longer, we're also working more years. When I finally take my last breath at 103 (and looking about 79), I don't want to reflect on all the years I spent working. I am more than just my career and I want to celebrate all those facets of my life that bring me joy.

So let me ask you this - are you a workaholic? Here are 9 signs that you just might be:

1. You have a work husband/wife.
2. Your family and friends are always surprised when you attend events.
3. You're attached to an IV with coffee streaming directly into your veins.
4. You have a panic attack if you can't check your email every 5 minutes.
5. You have a spare set of clothes and toiletries at your office.
6. You look down on people who work less than 10 hours.
7. Your partner moved out and it took you a week to realize it.
8. You're having regular conversations with the office monkey.
9. You have enough vacation hours that you could take 2 years off.


Some may say they are working hard to save up for their retirement. That's awesome and something that everyone should be doing. However, there's something to be said about enjoying life while we're still young enough. As we get older, there are some adventures we just won't be able to have and we'll never get that time back. Besides, no matter how much money we make, it will never feel like it's enough. It's all about achieving the live-work balance; without it, we'll burn out and have nothing left to give to anything/anyone else.

Work smarter, not harder.

Mommy Dearest

Do you remember your first love? I do. It was my mom. She was extremely brilliant and beautiful and she loved her children. Although she died too young, she did a phenomenal job (in my totally unbiased opinion) at being a mother. Somehow, she was able to instill the values and skills I needed to become a mostly happy and highly functional adult. Was she perfect? No. Did she get on my nerves sometimes? Most definitely. Did she do her best? Yes, emphatically. Now I'm not going to say my mama was better than yours, but if it were a competition....let's just say it would be best for your mom to bring her A game. :)

As women, many of us grow up believing that we will/should become mothers. We play with dollies, we play house, we try our mother's heels on; we are socialized to believe that motherhood is an inevitable part of being a woman. However, motherhood is not for everyone. In today's society, many women are deciding not to have kids at all - and I applaud them. Not because I necessarily feel that way myself or think that those women would be bad mothers, but because there's nothing more devastating than knowing your mom never wanted you.

It's unfortunate that moms bear the brunt of the blame for the failures of their children. It's not always fair either; there are great moms who go on to have awful, awful kids. It's a lot of hard work to ensure that our kids are kind, loving and productive members of society. There's a lot of pressure on the mother-child relationship; it's our very first relationship and how our mothers (or mother-figures) love us impacts how we view ourselves and how well we relate to others.

One thing my mother did that greatly informed how she raised us was that she made a decision about raising us. She reflected on her own childhood and how her parents raised her and her siblings. Some things they did were great while there were other things that she disagreed with. Instead of falling into some of the patterns from her relationship with my grandmother, she made a conscious decision to do things differently with me. In my work, I've seen it happen over and over again; mothers will subconsciously repeat their experiences in their childhood with their own kids, regardless of how dysfunctional and detrimental it was to them. Granted, it's hard to know what you don't know. But if you didn't like being treated a certain way as a kid, why is it okay for your kid?


Now I have friends who also have great moms and we were raised in a totally different manner. There's no clear-cut path to being a wonderful mother. However, there are a few key elements:

1. Patience - you need A LOT of patience (mostly due to #2).
2. Attention/praise - kids need constant attention and validation. You don't really get a break from paying attention to them, especially when they're young.
3. Affection - almost everyone in the world needs to be touched, but kids need it even more. It's one of the more tactile and concrete ways that shows that you love them.
4. Acceptance - sometimes they aren't going to live up to your expectations. They'll learn that it's okay to be human if you accept them regardless of their missteps.
5. Unconditional love - you need this in order to accept all the sacrificing that comes with being responsible for another person.

If you feel like your mom did a pretty good job with you, make sure you let her know; she needs validation sometimes too.

I often tell the parents that I've worked with that in some way, shape, or form, they will inevitably "mess" their kid up. We're human and we all have issues; it's virtually impossible not to carry baggage into any relationship, including the one we have with our kids. However, as long as you try your best (even during the adolescent years) and are patient, accepting and unconditionally loving of yourself, you'll be fine. Most importantly, your kid(s) will be fine too!