Love as a Verb

I don't know if it's because of spring, but I've been thinking about love a lot lately. It's such a powerful, irrational, crazy, awesome, terrible, magnificent emotion. It can render you senseless; you become silly and happy and sad and giddy and depressed all at the same time due to the same emotion. I've had my fair share of experiences when it comes to love and it's been beautifully horrible and horribly beautiful. Regardless of the people I've been in love with, one thing I have definitively walked away with is the knowledge that love does not conquer all.

I'm sorry, did I just burst your bubble? My bad.

Despite the statement above, I'm actually not (too) jaded. I believe love is the foundation upon which a relationship is built, but it is not enough to overcome the obstacles that we often face in our relationships. The people involved have to be committed to not only doing the work but also doing the love. Often, we get caught up in the emotion and forget that love is also a verb. While you may feel love for someone, are you doing love to them? (Doing love is not just about sex, by the way.)

We all have a different understanding of what love means, how it feels and what it looks like. Regardless, loving someone means loving them in the way they understand it, not only in the way we do it. It also means compromising...a lot. Even if we don't understand why they need whatever, we do it anyway because it means something to them. Yet, it seems like this is a fundamental problem within many relationships. Is it because we're selfish? Stupid? Lazy? Confused?

Yep. All of the above.

Our idea of normal is shaped by what we've experienced throughout our lives. If you grew up in a family that was affectionate, you're more likely to be affectionate. If you grew up in a family where emotional expression was not encouraged, you're less likely to be emotionally expressive. It can be difficult to comprehend someone else's normal when it is counter to our own. However, when we do love to someone, we work our hardest to get over our confused, selfish, lazy stupidity and do it to them in the way they understand. Hopefully, it will be reciprocated. Sometimes though, it can't. What we understand as “normal” love may be so counterintuitive to our partner, that they just can't do it. Their history, their baggage, may be the biggest obstacle to them doing love, even though they feel the emotion. There's also the possibility that their way of understanding love may be unhealthy; ever dated someone who thought that fighting and screaming at one another equals love?

Although I'm mostly talking about romantic love, it also applies to familial love. Our family members have their own baggage that prevents them being loving, despite the desire they may have. If we aren't emotionally expressive, it's most like due to the fact that it wasn't role modeled by our parents. It can be extremely difficult to change those relationships and sometimes we have to accept them as they are. Your mom is always going to be your mom; we can't control how they are going to be but we can control how we react to them. Once we stop looking for something they can't give, it's much easier to be in a relationship with them. Or we can decide that we no longer want to have a relationship with them, particularly if relationship is toxic. Your mom may always be your mom, but she doesn't have to be a part of your life once you become an adult.

Even though I no longer believe that love can conquer all, I do believe in its power and necessity for humanity to survive. Love is a helluva drug. Be careful who you give it to and who you get it from; you never know how it will affect you.

Have you ever loved someone but couldn't be with them? Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Have you ever done something crazy because of love? How is doing love and feeling love different for you?

You Can't Handle the Truth...Right?

Many years ago, a friend and I were discussing something. Probably boyfriends, girlfriends, family; whatever it was, it pertained to relationships. I can't remember the details of our conversation, but the most important thing she said has stuck with me over all this time. I'm about to rock your world. Ready?

“We can't take responsibility for other people's feelings.”

If you feel like time has frozen and everything around you has stopped moving, I'll give you a moment...I completely understand.

…...

…...

…...

You okay now?

I know, it's pretty mind-blowing. What's even mind-blowing-er is that I still can't seem to fully grasp this concept and apply it to my own life and relationships. It's one of those things that me and Beverly are working on – we actually agree this is something I should be doing with a lot more regularity (along with her long laundry list of other things, but I digress).

At first, when my friend was talking about this concept, I didn't really know what she was talking about. After several examples of how we as humans do this (especially women), I finally began to understand what she was saying. It was a revelatory experience; I didn't realize I'd been doing this in most of my adult relationships, both romantic and platonic. In taking responsibility, we're assuming the other person cannot handle any negative emotions and it's our job to protect them. However, in “protecting” them, we tend to cause more harm than good. It's very easy to move from protection to resentment; when we're protecting someone else's feelings, we're often putting our own feelings aside. How rude are we to assume that who we're dealing with cannot handle their own emotions?

Here's the twist; in taking responsibility for someone else's feelings, we get to avoid dealing with our own feelings! We're some real tricksters, aren't we? When we're telling ourselves “I don't want to break their heart, it will devastate them,” what we're really saying is “I don't want to feel bad about myself for hurting their feelings.” We're also avoiding dealing with any potentially negative fall-out from our relationships. We over-empathize with the other person and become fearful of how we will be interpreted. Here are some examples of what I mean:

Situation: You don't want your mom to invite her canasta group to your wedding.

Potential Interpretation: You don't care about her friends and how it will affect her social standing. You don't want to include her in the planning. What she wants is not important to you. You hate her.

Fear: Upsetting/offending your mom, making her angry, looking like a spoiled brat, setting a boundary, owning your feelings.

Situation: Your financially irresponsible friend wants to borrow some money.

Potential Interpretation: You're not a good friend. You don't care about their well-being. You're stingy. You hate them.

Fear: You'll lose their friendship, you'll never see your money again, setting a boundary, owning your feelings.

Situation: You want your mother-in-law to stay at a hotel.

Potential Interpretation: You don't like having her around. She's nosy. She's bossy. You hate her.

Fear: She'll know for sure that you don't like having her around because she's bossy and nosy and you hate her. Just kidding! She'll be upset, you'll offend her, it will upset your relationship, setting a boundary, owning your feelings.

Situation: You want to end a relationship.

Potential Interpretation: You're uncaring, you're mean, you hate them.

Fear: You'll feel bad about hurting someone else, setting a boundary, owning your feelings.

Did you notice a theme in all those situations? Setting boundaries and owning feelings...boy, does it pop up a lot. It's like some kind of mature, adult thing to do that most of us try to avoid doing! It seems less painful to avoid dealing with those situations because they evoke uncomfortable feelings all around. But then that resentment creeps in and infects the relationship because you're doing something you don't want to do; the other person is "making" you. Ironically, once the elephant in the room is addressed, almost everyone feels better...or can at least move through their emotions more fluidly.

Imagine how it could be if we were honest with each other about our feelings? Or more importantly, with ourselves? Wouldn't it be a relief to know that people are actually saying what they mean? Although I continue to struggle with this concept myself, I have seen the value in being honest about my emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, at least in my platonic relationships. If there's an issue, we talk about it, it's over and we move on, friendship still intact, if not stronger. We forget that being honest doesn't mean being tactless. Being honest and preserving the relationship takes some creative genius and sensitivity. But it is possible. Try it and see. Just don't forget the tact!

 

Do you take responsibility for others' feelings? How has that impacted your relationship? Do you believe honesty is the best policy at all times? Have you experienced someone trying to "protect" you?

Are Your Glasses Rose Colored?

In some way, we all live in a state of denial. For most of us, it's pretty mild and mostly harmless. With the help of really good friends (and sometimes an excellent therapist), it's difficult to live there all the time. They are there to kindly hold up the mirror and point out the discrepancies between what we say and what's actually there. Of course, we have to be open to receiving this feedback. Otherwise, we may be living in denial a lot longer than is healthy. For example, several years ago, I lost a lot of weight. I've never considered myself to be a skinny woman, so when friends started calling me skinny, I didn't really believe them. However, when a friend told me my head looked too big for my body, I realized that maybe I need to eat a burger...with fries...and a shake. (Problem has been over-solved at this point!)

A little bit of denial can be good for us; it's a protective measure that allows us to see ourselves in a good light. It helps us believe in our strengths and abilitites and to interact with the rest of the world. It doesn't mean we're unaware of our flaws and issues necessarily, it just gives us some respite from them and time to work on them. When we discover something about ourselves that we don't like, it can be very easy to fixate on them and allow them to define who we are. A dollop of denial gives us the chance to walk away and come back to it when we are ready. There's only so much work we can do on ourselves at a time; it's a life-long task. However, serious problems can arise when our denial runs too deeply. It often starts manifesting in detrimental and sometimes very risky behavior. What if my friend hadn't said anything? I could have continued on this weight loss path and lost all of my booty!

In all seriousness, when we don't deal with things, even at a snail's pace, we find some way to cope. This often involves finding some way to stay in denial, including using drugs and/or alcohol. We may also create more issues to avoid dealing with the real problem or engage in behaviors that cause our fears to be realized. Low self-esteem? Let's be friends with someone who belittles us and makes us feel bad. Fear of abandonment? Let's be a jerk to our partner and push them away. Don't want to be considered a bad parent? Let's ignore our child's developmental issues and hope they outgrow them.

It can be difficult to know when we're in denial, but there tend to be signs that we actively choose to ignore. Here are 7 signs that you may be in denial about some things in your life:

1. Several close friends/family have brought it to your attention.
2. You find yourself in the same situation over and over again.
3. It's never your fault.
4. Everyone else is wrong.
5. You're hiding it from even those you trust the most.
6. You rationalize the behavior/feelings.
7. You believe your situation is unique and the exception to the rule.

Any of these sound familiar? Of course not, there's nothing in your life to be in denial about!

Number 6 stands out the most for me. I always know I'm doing something “wrong” when I don't share it with my closest friends so I do a lot of confessing. I barely give myself enough time to eat a meal in the land of Denial. But that's just me. I encourage you to do things at your own speed – just don't sign a lease for a residence there.

Do you have friends that are in serious denial about something? What do you do when you see it? Do you feel it's your job to bring it to their attention? Under what circumstances? How long do you stay in denial before you feel compelled to do something about it?

Are They Really Conceited Or Is It You?

There is a huge correlation between one's self-confidence and self-esteem. Our self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves; if we feel good about ourselves, our confidence tends to run high. We believe that we have a lot to offer and that others will want to be around us. As we get older and become more accomplished, our sense of self becomes stronger and we (hopefully) feel more comfortable in our skin. To me, this is the truest definition of having confidence. However, as our confidence grows, it can precipitate jealousy and envy in others, including those we consider to be friends.

Some may argue that the confident person is conceited. Many people have a difficult time understanding the difference between the two. I believe that often, their interpretation has more to do with their own sense of self versus an intellectual deficit. If someone is insecure about themselves, a confident person may make them uncomfortable because it highlights their insecurities. Interestingly enough, I've found that many conceited people actually feel insecure; their arrogance is a way to distract others from seeing their insecurities. Here are the definitions of the two according to thefreedictionary.com:

Confidence: freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities; "his assurance in his superiority did not make him popular"; "after that failure he lost his confidence"; "she spoke with authority"

Conceited: characteristic of false pride; having an exaggerated sense of self-importance; "a conceited fool"; "an attitude of self-conceited arrogance"; "an egotistical disregard of others"; "so swollen by victory that he was unfit for normal duty"; "growing ever more swollen-headed and arbitrary"; "vain about her clothes"

If you are someone who lacks self-confidence, the world can be a difficult place to navigate. It impacts your career and your relationships; you can miss out on opportunities because you didn't speak up or want to be noticed. It's not something that can change over night, but there are several things you can do to work towards increasing your confidence, including taking an inventory of your strengths, your accomplishments, and learning how to change negative self-talk to positive. (Click on the link if you want more in-depth tips of how to improve your self-esteem and self-confidence.)

Keep in mind, that when we feel good about ourselves, there will be someone out there who wants to rain on our parade. When I was social work intern, I worked at a homeless shelter. I thought I got along well with the staff, both men and women, until I learned that some of the women didn't particularly like me. I was friends with the office manager; one day, when we went to lunch, he shared this little tidbit of information. Here's how the conversation went:

Him: Blah blah and so-and-such don't really like you too much.

Me: Oh really? How come? (perplexed expression on my face)

Him: They say you think you're all that.

Me: Oh. (Shrugging shoulders.) Well, they're right, I do think that. It doesn't mean they can't

be all that too.

Him: (Laughing)

Unfortunately, this kind of situation is not unique. We have to be careful about how our confidence is perceived, particularly in professional settings. We can't appear too confident - as women, as people of color, as being young, or whatever applies to you – because we don't know what kind of stereotypes we're combatting as we interact with co-workers and bosses. There is a delicate dance we have to engage in to make others feel comfortable, especially those in power. We don't want to give anyone a reason to try to sabotage us as we move on up.

It seems like our society negatively interprets confidence as something negative, especially for women. Apparently, when a woman has a lot of confidence, it can be perceived as threatening and intimidating to both men and women. I say boo to that! Did that situation deter me from continuing to be friendly and professional with those women? Nope. How they felt about me was their issue and didn't have anything to do with me. Clearly, they needed to listen to Mary J. Blige – no hateration in this dancery!

Have you ever had an experience when someone tried to undermine your confidence? How do you deal with people who seem conceited? Can you differentiate between confidence and being conceited? Have you had to deal with someone else's insecurities in a professional and/or personal setting?

Shhh, Beverly, Be Quiet!

 

It may seem a bit scandalous to call out Beverly in a public forum, but I'm getting really tired of her constant commentary. She's judgmental and a bit of a prude; she often discourages me from having any kind of fun and always has something to say about what I'm doing, who I'm doing it with (or to, hehe), where I'm doing it and how it should be done. She inspires anxiety, insecurity and a lot of second-guessing. It feels like we have a toxic relationship and I've considered ending things with her many times.

I can't do it though. No matter how hard I try, I can't shake her.

I'll be honest, I'm painting an unbalanced picture. She's not all bad. She's helped me make some really good decisions, like cutting my hair, moving to New York, pursuing a higher education. There have been times that she's kept me out of trouble by gently suggesting that maybe I don't need to have that 4^th drink (although she was nowhere to be found last Wednesday). All it takes is one raised eyebrow and that short skirt goes right back on the rack because we both know I'm not 16 anymore. Beverly can be helpful...when she feels like it.

Unfortunately, she doesn't feel like it much. She whispers in my ear about all the things I should be doing. I'm not a big proponent of that word, should. It makes me feel guilty and unaccomplished; there will always be things on my “should” list that can easily overshadow the items on my “achieved” list. Beverly likes to highlight the shoulds all the time – I should eat better, I should buy a house, I should be settling down, blah, blah, blah. With friends like her, who needs enemies?

That's just it. Beverly isn't my friend, she is a figment of my imagination – but not in a “I'm hearing voices” or “Look at my unicorn” kind of way. She is a named representation of my Superego (I like to refer to her as an internal traffic cop). The Superego is what we use to determine what's right and wrong; it's our conscience or moral compass. While we all have a Superego (at least according to Freud's theory of personality development), it sometimes feels like mine is in hyper drive. Beverly can get in the way of having a good time because there is so much concern about following the rules. "Don't be a slacker, don't waste your money, don't eat that, don't sleep with that person until 90 days have passed, stop, you're enjoying life too much!" What a buzz kill!

Although I believe it's important to adhere to societal rules and expectations, it can be quite bothersome to be constantly aware of how my behavior/decisions may be perceived by others. Noticed how I said may? Ironically, many of us are so focused on how we are being perceived we don't really have enough energy to think about what others are doing. Basically, no one is watching anyone else because we're too worried about how we look. I'd like a side of self-centered with my narcissism, please, but easy on the self-absorption.

So...I know I can't really get rid of Beverly. Even though she gets on my nerves, she can be helpful. And there's nothing wrong with having goals, as long as we remember to truly live in the present and stop fixating what we should be doing for the future. I think I'm just going to work on getting her to relax a little bit and ease up on shoulding all over me. If not, we might have to fight.

Do you struggle in letting yourself live a little? Are you constantly shoulding all over yourself?Have you noticed that you get in your own way of having valuable live experiences? Do you have real-life friends who are similar to Beverly? Does your Superego have a name, or is that just me?

But Who Will Bathe the Dog?

 

We all have a threshold for unhappiness; we're willing to tolerate some of the things in life that may make us unhappy in the moment, but overall, contribute to our well-being. For example, paying bills, washing clothes, doing taxes, eating vegetables and going to work are all things that make me unhappy (although if the vegetables involve being cooked with bacon, it's all good). While we may have to go to work, we often have the option of choosing where we work. We may have to wash our clothes, but once it's done, we have clean clothes for a while and don't have to do it again until we run out of clean undies (for those of us who wear them). However, there are some people who choose to have unhappiness in their lives. This  can often manifest in the relationships we choose to have, especially in our romantic ones.

It's hard work being in a relationship; it takes a lot of compromise, understanding, communication and patience. Yet, many people stay in relationships that lack these concepts and they are miserable. A lot of us have friends and family who are in this miserable relationship right now. We listen, we give advice, but in the end, we're often left scratching our heads, wondering why this otherwise vibrant and intelligent person would stay with someone who so clearly makes them unhappy. They say they have a “good” reason why they stick around. Here are 8 common reasons why people stay in crappy relationships:

1. We have to stay together for the kids.
   When children are involved, it's much harder to separate; statistics show that raising a child in a two-parent home has more benefits. They also show that if the parental relationship is not stable, it's better for the child to be raised in a single-parent home. 
   
   
2. It will devastate them, I can't break their heart.
   They were fine before they met you (which is why you were attracted to them), they'll be fine after the relationship ends. Often, we take responsibility for other people's feelings. While it's ideal to be considerate and compassionate (ie. not breaking up over text message), staying in a relationship in which you are unhappy will only result in resentment, frustration and passive aggressive behavior.
   
   
3. I can't afford this lifestyle on my own.
   It's one thing if you are financially dependent on your partner, but it's another thing if you're staying because you don't want to give up the time-share in Hawaii or the facials at Aveda. 
   
   
4. Who will take care of me (ie. cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.)?
   If you're an adult, these are some skills that you may want to learn. Your partner is not your parent. That may be one of the issues that is making you miserable in your relationship. When you're being taken care of like a child, you might get treated like a child too.
   
   
5. I've already invested X amount of time in this relationship.
   This is a prime example of the Sunk-Cost Fallacy; when we invest in an endeavor that's not going well, we continue to invest in it because we've already put so much time/money/effort into it. You'll never get those years back, but you're going to give up the rest of your life?
   
   
6. Dating sucks; there aren't any good men/women out there.
   Dating can be difficult and it does seem like there are a lack of good partners out there; I have plenty of single friends, gay and straight, who can attest to that. But if the point of dating someone “good” is to eventually get into a relationship with them, how will that ever happen if you're already in a relationship with someone “bad” (in the sense they make you unhappy)?
   
   
7. Maybe they'll change.
   Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Ah, the naiveté - it's almost cute! We are often guilty of making another person be who we want them to be...in our minds. Then we're disappointed when they really aren't that way. People tell us and show us who they really are, we just choose to ignore it until we can't anymore. If who they are conflicts directly with what you want, it may be time to let go. 
   
   
8. I don't want to be alone.
   Many people fall into the category of being a serial monogamist. They flit from relationship to relationship, without taking a break and figuring out what's going on with themselves. Sometimes the last relationship hasn't all the way ended before they start a new one. It can be difficult to be single, particularly if you've never truly been single. We tend to form our identities based on our relationships with others. Brother, sister, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife. Who are you when you're not in a romantic relationship? Do you like yourself when you're alone? Can you be alone?

I'm sure there are a million other reasons why people stay - from the serious (ie. reason #1) to the just plain silly (ie. who will bathe the dog?). Underlying all these reasons is fear. Ending a relationship is not easy, regardless of how miserable we are. From the outside, it may seem really clear-cut; when you're actually in the relationship, it's a lot murkier and gray. This is a person we love(d) and while we are no longer happy being with them, it's not like they are all bad. They have good qualities too and there are some definite perks to being in a relationship. Breaking up can mean making huge changes in your life, from moving out to being celibate for a while (although that could be part of the reason you're breaking up).

Whatever the reason you're unhappy with your partner, if it's not something that can be worked on, it may be time to move on. We only have this one lifetime; do we really have the time to spend it being unhappy? I know I don't.

Do any of these reasons strike a chord with you? Have you ever stayed in a relationship way too long? What do you do when those friends/family members come to you, complaining about their abysmal relationship? Do you feel like it's your place to intervene? Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship?

Did you hear about that guy who did that thing with that girl who came from that place?

I'll be the first to admit - I love to hear juicy stories. Kim Kardashian, Charlie Sheen, the girl from high school, that guy we used to work with...people fascinate me. At the end of the story, I always want to know why. Why did Charlie Sheen start using crack? Why did Kim do the sex tape...with Ray J nonetheless? Why, why, why? Regardless of my intent, at the end of the day, gossip is gossip and it can be really hurtful. Especially when the subject is you.

As Americans, we've become desensitized to the impact of gossip. We have television shows, periodicals, blogs, even television channels that are devoted to gossiping about people. It's easy for us to laugh at Charlie Sheen's antics because we don't know him; however, if it were someone in our family who was going through this, we would probably empathize more instead of poke fun. With today's technology, it's also easier to spread a tantalizing tidbit of information. An email or text message can be quickly forwarded to the next person and before you know it, that sexy text message that was intended just for their eyes is traveling all over town.

Now, we all talk about everyone (and when I say we, I mean both men and women). We talk about ourselves, our friends, our co-workers, our family; it's how we relate to one another. We disseminate information through discussion. Is there something wrong with that? Not necessarily. We learn through experience, both our own and through others. It can help us avoid mistakes as we learn about what others have been through. For example, I was having a conversation about pregnancy and shared a friend's difficult experience in having an induced labor. Could that be considered gossip? Sure. However, I was also passing along some potentially useful information about birth and labor to a friend considering pregnancy.

Problems with gossiping especially arise when the intention behind it is malicious. There's a difference between sharing information or expressing concern versus spreading someone's business for the sake of idle chatter.

Example 1: I'm worried about Charlie. His behavior has been erratic and kind of crazy lately. I think he's been using drugs.

Example 2: Have you seen Charlie lately? He's a total crackhead! He's talking mad sh*t about his boss and his ass is about to get fired!

Both examples are talking about the same thing, except one is expressing concern while the other is judgmental and sensational. When our loved ones are going through something, good and bad, we turn to each other for counsel and support. We may have feelings about our co-worker's promotion, our cousin's pregnancy or best friend's abusive relationship that we need help working out. Or sometimes we just want to celebrate and spread the love. Either way, it's important that we check in with ourselves to figure out where we're coming from and what the intent is in sharing this information.

Another issue is when boundaries are crossed. If person A tells me something about person B in confidence, it is not appropriate for me to go up to person B and comment on that information. First, if something was told to you in confidence, it is to be kept to yourself. Second, you don't know how person B would feel about their info being out there, even if, in your opinion, it may be cause to celebrate. Third, your spilling the beans may have a negative consequence to A and B's relationship. Lastly, your gossiping may have a negative consequence in your relationship with A.

Professionally, I have an ethical and legal responsibility to maintain the confidentiality of my clients. In my personal life, I have learned over the years that it's easier to keep most things to myself. I've seen friendships become stressed and strained due to breaks in confidence. I have also learned that if you're going to share information with people, whether it be about yourself or others, that you keep in mind that it just might be shared with others. Some of the best people we know and love have the biggest mouths. "But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me!"

Have you ever been the victim of rumors or idle gossip? How did you deal with it? Do you feel guilty when you gossip? Do you consider yourself guilty of gossip?