Fear Factor

I'm watching a potential love unfold. One person is clearly the aggressor; they are expressive with their feelings, affectionate and paying close attention to their date. The other is reticent and has a side-eye, their expression clearly conveying their suspicions that this is not fa true and cannot be trusted. My heart breaks for the reticent one, because as their friend, I only want happiness and unicorns for them. I cross my fingers and hope that they let their heart open just a little bit. But I know what's going on; I understand the reticence and the disbelief. It's like watching a scary movie on a dark and stormy night and the lights go off right as Freddie/Jason/Big Bird is about to slash someone's throat. 

It's our old friend fear.

Good old fear. It follows us everywhere. When we're moving to a new city, starting a new job, getting a different haircut...it's there. What if...what if I hate living there? What if everyone at my new job finds out that I don't know what I'm doing? What if my hair looks a hot mess? What if...? What we don't ask ourselves as often is what if I freaking love it here? What if they immediately get that I'm a genius at my new job and they'd be lost without me? What if I start a new hair cut trend (even if I got the picture off of Pinterest)? We seldom ask ourselves the questions about things turning out well. It's most often the questions that are tinged (or drenched) in fear.

I blame Kim Kardashian. She makes everything scary.

As we get older and more set in our ways, we especially become more fearful when it comes to matters of the heart. If at this point (this point being our thirties, especially after 33 and a half) we haven't found the love of our lives, we are more likely to run away from even contemplating the possibility of being open to considering letting our hearts jump back into the fray. So when we meet someone amazing, instead of being all excited, we do our very best to sabotage it. Although my heart has already been broken approximately 23,935 times, I'll be damned if I let it get broken a 23,936th time! That's just too many times. 

F*ck. That.

It makes total sense, in a totally illogical, nonsensical way. Even though most of us are either overtly or surreptitiously looking for love, who really wants to go through the difficulty of changing their Facebook status from "single" to "it's complicated"? Then you'd have to explain in the comments section about why it's complicated and how y'all are working it out with a life coach and what you're doing on Tuesday. It's too much! And...can you really believe this person? Are they really not going to break your heart for the 23,936th time (too many times!)? You believed the last person and they totally broke your heart (for the 23,935th time); can you afford to be a sucker yet again?

I say yes! Well, maybe no. Or, yes on Tuesdays, but a no on Thursdays and a definite maybe on Fridays. 

I want to trust in love again some more, but as I get older, it's getting a little harder. I've seen and heard (and maybe done) some things that make me believe that this love thing is a trip. And despite what you've heard about therapists being emotionally well-rounded and able to communicate their feelings and express themselves clearly...well, okay, that's all true, but still, it doesn't make it less difficult to keep an open mind and an open heart. The struggle is real. And we're all a little jaded and baggage-full at this stage in our lives.

However, despite the struggle, I've decided that because it's a Saturday, I'm going to try my best to be a sucker again. I'm not going to lie; it's difficult to let go of the fear. I haven't released it all the way yet, but I'm willing to try. Hopefully, if my heart gets broken for a 23,936th time, I'll be able to survive it.