It may seem a bit scandalous to call out Beverly in a public forum, but I'm getting really tired of her constant commentary. She's judgmental and a bit of a prude; she often discourages me from having any kind of fun and always has something to say about what I'm doing, who I'm doing it with (or to, hehe), where I'm doing it and how it should be done. She inspires anxiety, insecurity and a lot of second-guessing. It feels like we have a toxic relationship and I've considered ending things with her many times.
I can't do it though. No matter how hard I try, I can't shake her.
I'll be honest, I'm painting an unbalanced picture. She's not all bad. She's helped me make some really good decisions, like cutting my hair, moving to New York, pursuing a higher education. There have been times that she's kept me out of trouble by gently suggesting that maybe I don't need to have that 4th drink (although she was nowhere to be found last Wednesday). All it takes is one raised eyebrow and that short skirt goes right back on the rack because we both know I'm not 16 anymore. Beverly can be helpful...when she feels like it.
Unfortunately, she doesn't feel like it much. She whispers in my ear about all the things I should be doing. I'm not a big proponent of that word, should. It makes me feel guilty and unaccomplished; there will always be things on my “should” list that can easily overshadow the items on my “achieved” list. Beverly likes to highlight the shoulds all the time – I should eat better, I should buy a house, I should be settling down, blah, blah, blah. With friends like her, who needs enemies?
That's just it. Beverly isn't my friend, she is a figment of my imagination – but not in a “I'm hearing voices” or “Look at my unicorn” kind of way. She is a named representation of my Superego (I like to refer to her as an internal traffic cop). The Superego is what we use to determine what's right and wrong; it's our conscience or moral compass. While we all have a Superego (at least according to Freud's theory of personality development), it sometimes feels like mine is in hyper drive. Beverly can get in the way of having a good time because there is so much concern about following the rules. "Don't be a slacker, don't waste your money, don't eat that, don't sleep with that person until 90 days have passed, stop, you're enjoying life too much!" What a buzz kill!
Although I believe it's important to adhere to societal rules and expectations, it can be quite bothersome to be constantly aware of how my behavior/decisions may be perceived by others. Noticed how I said may? Ironically, many of us are so focused on how we are being perceived we don't really have enough energy to think about what others are doing. Basically, no one is watching anyone else because we're too worried about how we look. I'd like a side of self-centered with my narcissism, please, but easy on the self-absorption.
So...I know I can't really get rid of Beverly. Even though she gets on my nerves, she can be helpful. And there's nothing wrong with having goals, as long as we remember to truly live in the present and stop fixating what we should be doing for the future. I think I'm just going to work on getting her to relax a little bit and ease up on shoulding all over me. If not, we might have to fight.
Do you struggle in letting yourself live a little? Are you constantly shoulding all over yourself?Have you noticed that you get in your own way of having valuable live experiences? Do you have real-life friends who are similar to Beverly? Does your Superego have a name, or is that just me?
Ok - You're writing has always been good and entertaining but you are getting next level! Congrats on another awesome posting.
ReplyDeleteYes, I have a Beverly too. Never thought to name her before though........ Hhhhmmm, what would my superego be called? Need something aggressive yet simultaneously irritating. I'll think on it. As always, thanks for giving me something to think about!