The Apology

I do not like Dr. Phil. He is a blustering, self-serving buttnugget whose brand of therapizing is a gimicky blame and shame game. However, every now and again he'll drop some knowledge that resonates with me. Okay, really, it was only just once, but he's said it often enough that it stuck. When two people are funkin', he asks "Do you want to be right or do you want things to get better?" Simple, yet profound. I guess Dr. Phil is good for something.

So do I want to be right or want things to get better?

Of course, I want things to be better....and things are better when I'm right. Which means that the other person has to see things from my perspective, agree that it's the right interpretation of the situation and then apologize for not only being wrong, but for also thinking I was wrong in the first place.

That happens pretty much never.

The only apology that allows forward movement in a relationship is the sincere apology. Here is what a true apology looks like:

The Sincere Apology: "I am truly sorry. I've given it a lot of thought and I can understand how my behavior makes you feel ______. I will really work on being more considerate of your feelings." There's an expression of empathy, thought and consideration as well as planned behavioral changes to prevent creating a similar situation.

However, there are other types of apologies that masquerade as being sincere but they are not. Watch out for the following trickerative moves:

The Non-Apology Apology: "I'm sorry you feel this way."
This basically means it was not intended to evoke feelings of ______ about what happened, but the I'm sorry is designed to distract one from noticing there are no sorry feelings for doing whatever it is that caused those feelings.

The It's Really Your Fault Apology: "I'm sorry but if you hadn't done X, I would not have done Y."
Essentially, they are really not sorry and they are putting the blame back on you. Closely related to the Non-Apology Apology.

The Can We Avoid the Conversation Apology: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I was wrong. I'm sorry. Can you pass the potatoes?"
This is a placating apology, meant to distract the aggrieved party from focusing on the issue. They just want to get past it without really acknowledging the issue.

The Forced/Angry Apology: "Fine! I'm sorry! Are you happy now?"
This is similar to how your mom made you apologize to your brother for hitting him after he farted on your head. You would not apologize if you didn't feel forced and it is obvious by your tone you don't really mean it.

Unless someone was egregiously wrong, the likelihood of getting an immediate and sincere apology is often slim (and even then it may be iffy). We all want to be right; our perspective is the only correct and valid one. Unfortunately, when we get stuck in our perspective, we are ignoring the possibility to actually work on the relationship.When we are hurt, we can easily fall into the victim/martyr role. "They did this to me, they hurt me," becomes our mantra and sometimes an excuse for equally hurtful and punishing behavior. We forget that this person (hopefully) did not act with the intention of hurting us. What may have been the opportunity for growth becomes just another fight without any real resolution.

But that's okay, as long as we both know that I'm right.