Merry New Year!



Most people view the beginning of a new year as the time to finally make those changes they've been talking about. 15 minutes in and they've already reverted back to their old behavior, stating that they'll wait until the first Monday of the new year to stop biting their nails/eating 2 desserts/buying shoes/exercise more/etc. And then you look up and the new year is already the old year and nothing has actually changed. Well, maybe you have a little extra junk in your trunk from that 2 desserts habit, but is that what you were really going for? Probably not.

I may be talking from experience but I will neither confirm nor deny it.

A couple of years ago, I decided to give up on the whole resolutions thing. Although I am in full support of people making necessary changes in their lives that promote growth and well-being, I also believe it should be on an as-needed basis. If it's April 24th and you need to lose 50lbs, it's probably best to start immediately instead of waiting for the new year. (Or even the next Monday.) We get in the habit of procrastinating change because we really don't want to, but know we need to. "I'll stop eating Oreos for breakfast on Monday/the first of the month/right after my birthday/January 1." When that day rolls around, have you stopped adding milk to crushed Oreos and calling it cereal? Or have you pushed it to the next time?

No judgment, I know all about that life. (Thank god I can't really eat Oreos anymore. It was just recently announced that Oreos may be as addictive as crack! Which is probably why you are eating them for breakfast...and lunch...and dinner.)

In graduate school, I paid a lot of money to learn fancy terms such as countertransference and cognitive dissonance. I also learned something called reframing, which means, to basically sum it up, to take some sh*t you're doing/feeling/thinking/experiencing and look at it through a different, hopefully more positive lens. (I spent a lot of money to learn something I already knew. I want a refund!) Por ejemplo, instead of focusing on how you have to quit the Oreo game, you focus your attention on what you can eat instead. Hello, bacon!

So this year, I've decided to reframe how I look at some of the changes I want (need) to make. I'm not quitting shopping, I'm saving money for traveling/new hobbies/retirement. It's simple, but it's not easy (stupid Groupon emails). We are conditioned to focus on the negative; it's our default. Maybe making a conscious decision to focus on the positive is a change to make for the new year. Or today. Look at it as practicing for next Wednesday.

Dating Success?

As many of you know, my dating woes have provided many an entertaining story. Often, these experiences have led to my bah-humbug attitude towards dating. It's frustrating, it's difficult, it sucks donkey d - okay, okay, you get the picture. My overall take away from dating has been that I hate it and would rather end up alone in a house filled with young, hot cabana boys. (You probably thought I was going to say cats, but 1. I'm allergic, 2. it's such a cliché and 3. they will eat your face off if you die in your sleep.)

After going on a brief dating hiatus for the 2034th time, I started to realize that maybe it's my attitude toward dating that made it feel so exhausting and disappointing. Even though I'm not that chick who is any kind of thirsty for a husband, I am still looking for someone who might could possibly maybe someday be the man I call my partner in crime. Or significant other. Or long-term baby boo. While there is nothing wrong with that, it makes each date seem much more weighted. Although there's no biological clock ticking over here (I am most definitely ambivalent about having children), it feels like there's an urgency to getting settled down. But Moooooom, everyone else is doing it!

Post-adolescent peer pressure is real, yo.

This self-imposed, imagined urgency has shaped my perspective on dating. Instead of approaching each date with a truly open mind, I have had a secret agenda - Operation Get Booed Up! It's not about having a good time or getting to know this guy, it's been about trying to forge a relationship right quick. Time is money people! (I know that has nothing to do with dating, but it feels hella urgent, right?) When things didn't work out, it was another failure to write about in my blog diary.

However, upon reflecting on several past dating experiences (dating = more than one or two dates, seeing someone over a period of time), I realized that they weren't failures, they were successes. The whole point of dating is figuring out if this person is the right one for you. Sometimes you know right away (before the first date is even over) and sometimes it may take a while to figure it out. Too often, we receive the message that you've dated successfully when it ends up in marriage or a long-term relationship. Isn't realizing that this is NOT the right person for you before you marry them the real success? After all, the divorce rate is about 50% in this country.

Since redefining some of my dating experiences as successes, it has changed my approach and belief about dating. Most importantly, it's changed my view about men. It's very easy to hold on to a negativistic view on my fellow man; it's the perfect excuse to lay up under some cabana boy (young, hot cabana boy). Yet, when I really think about some of the guys I've dated, they've steadily improved over the years. I've dated some pretty and smart guys who have been respectful and treated me well. In taking the time to get to know them, I saw that they just weren't the right guy for me. Does that mean it was a dating unsuccess? Nope. Through these experiences, I've learned a lot about myself and what is truly important to me in a relationship.

(It's bacon.)



ATDD

You're having dinner/brunch/croutons with a bunch of friends. You're laughing it up, talking about the poor schmuck who keeps calling you even though you had one date 5 months ago that ended with their temper tantrum. Suddenly, you hear a doorbell/bird whistle/wind chime. That's when it happens; everyone stops hanging out with each other because FB/email/the cloud alerted them that there's a sale on unicorn hair and rainbow catchers. Or they want to let the whole world know they're having the best time eating scones with people that they're no longer interacting with.

Rude. Or at least it would be if you weren't as equally preoccupied with finding out if it's the best rainbow catchers on sale or the knock-offs.

These days, I find myself in a love-hate relationship with technology (as I type on my laptop, hoping to send this out on the interwebs). What makes it awesome is that you can do everything with it. What makes it terrible is that you can do everything with it. I've become so dependent on my phone - not just for communicating, but for waking me up in the morning, helping me get from point A to point B, keeping track of my money and constantly entertaining me. I keep my appointments in there, I make my Target list (a must unless you want to spend $80 every freakin' time you go to buy toilet paper and coffee filters) and take pictures. Sometimes, I even make phone calls!

This is the reason I hate it as well. It can't be good to be completely dependent on objects that are designed to break down at some point in the not-so-distant future.

This is a problem I'm struggling with. I think others are struggling with it too, but may not see it as a problem. After all, many of us like to live in denial. No matter how hard I try, I can't ignore my growing concern about this and how it's affecting us as a community, a country, a world. Although there's no official diagnosis for this condition, I've come up with my own term. I believe we're heading down a path in which this will be included in the next DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). I call it ATDD - Acute Technology Distraction Disorder.

Look around you. How many people are on some kind of electronic gizmo as we speak? Exactly. Everyone! I know more and more people are writing about how to co-exist with our gadgets and relationships, but it's become quite noticeable that the gadgets are winning. The other night, I found myself looking up something on my tablet, while talking on the phone and watching television. Can I tell you what I was watching/looking up/talking about? Nope. And I've got an excellent memory.

The proliferation of easy and constant access to technology is altering our humanness and our ability to relate to one another. The minute I'm not being engaged by another human, I'm on the phone, playing a game or texting, looking random stuff up on the Google. I don't make eye contact with people and I'm not welcoming anyone to approach me. I am essentially sending a signal that I am not interested in other humans...unless we're communicating through space.

Hmm, is this part of the reason I'm single? Oops.

It's also frustrating to be on the other side of that. Do you have that friend who is constantly on their phone, texting others, updating their statuses, checking their email or playing a game...while y'all are supposed to be hanging out? Yeah, me too. Sometimes I am that friend. I feel like a jerk when I do it, but it's become a compulsion to check whenever I get a notification.

Hello, my name is Nicole and I'm addicted to technology.

I'm working on it. As I've been typing, I've received several notifications of some kind, but I'm not getting out of my chair until I've finished writing.  But wait...what if it's an emergency? What if DSW is doing a flash sale and I miss it because I don't check my email RIGHT NOW?! I'll miss out on an opportunity to indulge my other addictions (shoes and shopping)! Oh no, my world is coming to an end!

Dramatic, yes. Accurate thought process, yes. Terrible, fa sho. But I know you understand. Please, please, please try to deny that you are addicted to technology...as you read this on your tablet while you wait for your friend to come back from the bathroom. Does your heart start to beat faster when you think you may have lost/forgotten your phone? Do you constantly check it to see if you have email/status updates/texts? What would happen if you did lose your phone? Would you know how to get back to your house? 

So, as we head into 2014, I've decided to make a commitment to trying harder. I'm keeping my phone in my bag when I'm out with friends. I will only play games when I'm alone. I will limit the phone calls I answer (which is not really an issue, because who actually talks on the phone these days?). I will not use my tablet, phone and television at the same time. I will not succumb to peer pressure when everyone else pulls out their phones because I'm going to become the nag who asks you to do the same when you're in my presence.

Damn, what did I just sign up for? Hold on, I'm going to ask the Google.

The 90-Day Rule

In the book and subsequent movie, "Think Like A Man, Act Like a Lady,"* one of the more controversial assertions was that a lady should wait 90 days before having sex with her male partner. Most folks who have had sex before (and like it) tend to moan and groan. "That's too long!" and "We're adults, we know what we're doing," and "It's just sex, why do we have to be so serious about it?" There was also a sexist undertone to it; if you are a woman who enjoys having sex on day 8 instead of waiting until day 90, you will not keep the man you want. He will think less of you and will not consider you to be wifey material. There are so many inherently wrong issues about this train of thought...but that's not my focus this time.

I think I might could possibly think about considering agreeing with the 90-day waiting period.

Hear me out before you start flinging drawls and condoms my way!

The sexist sentiment behind it - that a man does not value a woman who sleeps with him early on or that the end goal for women should be marriage - I do not agree with any of that bullsh*t. However, I'm beginning to think there's something else in waiting to get naked with someone. Could it be that my inner-horny 15-year old boy (Seamus) needs to calm down and actually get to know someone first before getting it in? 

This isn't a new concept; I have several friends who have claimed this is actually a good thing. I was quick to discount their experiences** (what do they know, they're only in healthy, successful relationships) because now that we're adults, we don't have to wait if we don't want to. We can have sex with whomever we want, whenever we want. Not to say that it's a good idea; we can also have ice cream and sardines for breakfast and stay out all night drinking Schlitz Malt Liquor (I don't recommend doing either of these, by the way). After some serous reflection on my choices, good and less good, I think I've finally come to understand what the waiting is about - it's building the relationship, creating intimacy without using sex as the foundation.  

See, even though I believe strongly that sex can create a false sense of intimacy, I haven't all the way committed to behaving as if I believe that. I'm It's so easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment. Before you know it, you're knocking boots with someone who's last name you just barely learned. Nothing's wrong with that FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD, but it's also very easy to confuse all those feel-good hormones with a genuine connection. Depending on what you're looking for, that may very well end up being a disaster in the making.

3 months may seem arbitrary, yet in thinking about my dating experiences as well as the experiences of others, from my unscientific, totally-limited-to-people-I-know perspective, it seems that is a pretty good amount of time to get to know someone. Of course, you continuously learn new things about your boo as time goes on, but those first 3 months give you a pretty solid idea of who you're dealing with. You may not learn about their beanie baby collection right away, but you won't be to surprised when you do. Most importantly, you figure out if they are someone you can/want to deal with. When you get caught up in the sex haze, your judgment can get cloudy and you may stick around longer than you need to.

This is not to discredit all the happy couples that whored it up slept together sooner than later; obviously, there's no scientific data that correlates how early you have sexy times to the longevity of a relationship. Everyone has to figure out what works for them and I'm gonna see about these here 90 days. Seamus will just have to keep it in his pants.

*Please do not assume that I like Steve Harvey based on my referencing his book and movie. He is a clown.

**It was really Seamus. He's such a knucklehead.

Sense and Sensibility

It's Saturday. The weather forecast says it's going to be a beautiful fall day - crisp, with sunshine. It's the perfect day to ride your motorcycle. You can't wait; it's been a long, painful wait for the weekend and this is one of your favorite ways to unwind. You get dressed, barely able to zip up your jacket, you're so excited to ride. You step outside and you realize the ground is covered in black ice. The weather person neglected to mention that there was going to be a serious drop in the temperature overnight, causing this very devastating problem you're facing right now. You're on your way to meet up with some friends - you really want to ride your bike, but it makes more sense to take your car. What do you do?

(First, you are a lucky bastard that you have a motorcycle and a car. You baller, shot-caller, you! B. This is a first world problem fa sho. Third of all, brunch is really a Sunday thing, but I appreciate mixing it up a bit.)

Many of us would get in our car because that makes the most sense...which is why being an adult is often boring. We do a lot of stuff that makes sense. We live in places that are work accessible, because that makes sense. We buy cars with good gas mileage, because that makes sense. We exercise and eat moderately healthy, because that makes sense. We join professional organizations, we buy clothes on sale, we use smartphones, all because it makes sense. It makes our lives easier when we do things that make sense.

So should we date people because they make sense?

Yep. Nope. Yes. No. Okay, maybe. Nah, not a good idea. Yeah, you probably should. No way! I mean, it makes sense right?

Thinking about it makes my brain hurt.

I know that plenty of people get with people because they make the most sense. He has a good job, she would make a great mother. He loves the outdoors just as much as you do, she is super smart and can calculate the tip without using the app on her phone. There are lots of qualities that indicate that she/he would be a really good partner. Beverly is whispering in your ear that you're not in your twenties anymore, all of your friends are partnering up, aren't you tired of being the third wheel yet? This boo could be THE boo, except there's that one thing missing - the butterflies. The excitement. The looking forward to it-ness. Whatever name you've given it is not there...but they make a lot of sense.

Is that enough?

For some, yes. Some folks are hellbent on getting married, having a kid or two and living the American dream of buying an overpriced house and being in debt up to their eyeballs. They are able to see the bigger picture, that this person is the best for them because they make sense. All those qualities of being a good partner outweigh the fact that your heartbeat only goes up when you're on the treadmill next to them. Maybe that's how it's supposed to work, that when you get to a certain age, you let go of the butterfly fantasy and decide you want to do what makes sense.

[Side note: if we're making all this much sense, how come the divorce rate is so high? Are most of us not making sense? Do things make sense and then stop making sense? Ponderate on that.]

But wait! I have heard of those urban legends stories where people meet, fall in love and make sh*t work. They have butterflies AND their partners are good to them and for them...they make sense even! It's not even a story I heard from a movie, I know real-life people who have actually experienced it (and are still with their baby boo). However, for some of us, it can seem like an impossible dream. And with those biological clocks ticking, the sensible thing starts to seem more appealing. Forget about the butterflies, you can buy those from the internet (although apparently, you can buy babies off the internet too, but that's not something I encourage). Maybe that guy from the grocery store who's 5 inches shorter than and has a slight lisp may be an actual contender for making a life with you. (We're all the same height when we lay down, right?) Or that chick who rides your train in the morning with the ever-so-slightly discouraging body odor...all she needs is a little extra soap and deodorant and she could be your wifey!

It's easy to convince ourselves that we don't really need the excitement. For some, that may be true; they are able to carve out the life they want with this person who makes sense, even if there's no passion. Yet, I wonder how long they'll be able to suppress that feeling that something's missing. I believe that it's the passion that keeps you connected and able to work through the difficult times, the boring times, the frustrating times and truly enjoy the good times. Without it, it's so much easier to turn to other, less healthier things to find the fulfillment that's not in your relationship. And then the divorce rate goes up and you have to try dating again which may lead to marriage which statistically increases the likelihood of another divorce and then you'll either be the lady with a lot of cats or the guy with the bad comb over trying to pick up much-younger women in their obiviously-I'm-having-a-midlife-crisis sports car.

Don't be that person. And don't buy babies off the internet!

The Vicious Cycle

I love to shop. There's something about going to a favorite store, picking out a whatever you want, trying it on and deciding that it's coming home with you. It is so thrilling, so fun, that I conveniently forget that I'm not an heiress to the Saudi empire and have no real money. I get my new shoes/jeans/sweater home, try it on again and fantasize about where and when I get to wear it. I gently put it away...and promptly forget it's in my wardrobe. I get my credit card statement, see that my minimum payment is about a bajillion dollars and once again, I decide to go on a shopping diet. Then a party/wedding/Sunday happens and I need something to wear but have nothing that hasn't been seen on Facebook and well...shopping diet be damned, this is a necessity! I can't wear something this Sunday that I wore on a previous Sunday! What will the paparazzi say?

NICOLE WORE THE SAME THING TWICE NOT IN A ROW! WE HAVE THE EXCLUSIVE PICS!

Taken 10/28/12

Taken 10/24/2008 - 4 years prior!

(Images of others have been distorted to protect their innocence.)

The horror!

While I feel it could be a legitimate claim that Facebook has enabled my shopping habit, this is not so much about the shopping but really about the cycle. Shop, feel excited about new thingamabobs, feel first world guilt about money spent on yet another whatchamacallit, decide to stop shopping, feel good about abstaining until another event that requires just one more brand new very special thingamajig...rinse, wash, repeat.

Am I the only one caught up in a cycle? Nope. Is this the only cycle in my life? Nope. I know there are plenty of people out there who are dealing with their own patterns of behavior. This vicious cycle can be applied to many situations - relationships (hello Sexy Heroin), food, drugs, alcohol, gambling, depression, etc. Although some of these behaviors are benign and may not have too significant an impact on your daily functioning, others can be much harder to break. They may even be considered addictive, depending on what we're talking about.

So you have these behavioral patterns that may not be in your best interest. You have two options: 1. Accept that this is a part of who you are and keep it moving or B. Decide that this behavior is an obstacle to what you want for yourself and do something about it. Isn't that easy? Hell no! I don't want to accept that I'll always have credit card debt because I love to buy shoes that look great on my feet but stay in the closet due to their torturous ways. This means that I have to do something about it.

Sh*t.

The strugglingest part is the emotional roller coaster that you're on because of it. It may look a little something like this:

1. Desire - I want to do this.
2. Denial - I can do this, it's not a problem.
3. Pleasure - Oh yeah, it feels good, this is what I like to do!
4. Doubt - Wait a minute, is this something I should be doing?
5. Guilt - I feel bad that I'm doing this.
6. Frustration - Why do I keep doing this?!
7. Resolve - No more times will I do this!
8. Resolution - I am changing my behavior.
9. Action - I am engaging in new behaviors.
10. Behavior is vanquished, never to be seen again!

Except most folks get to #8 and maybe #9 only to go back to #1. Don't feel bad, apparently it can take anywhere between 18 to 254 days for a new behavior to become a habit. Part of the difficulty in changing the troublesome behavior is that there is some kind of pleasure (or relief depending on what we're talking about) derived from what we're doing...which is why we do it again and again. Sometimes the reward isn't totally obvious, especially if it's something that seems detrimental (my nemesis ice cream comes to mind). However, we get something out of it, otherwise it would be easy to quit doing it.

The trick is to replace the behavior with something else - but it's important that it's a healthier behavior. To replace shopping with smoking crack would be a little foolish, don'tcha think? It can also be helpful to figure out what the behavior is about. I like to shop when I have time on my hands and nothing to do. If only I had as much money on my hands as I do time...clearly, I need a hobby, something to occupy my free time. Once you figure out what motivates the behavior, it may be easier to quit. However, it may be quitting that helps you figure out why you do it.

Don't forget that accepting your behavior is an option. That means making peace with how you roll and owning it; this also means taking responsibility for the potential consequences of said behavior. If I accepted my love of new stuff, I would also have to accept that I'd be spending my retirement money on things that I'll eventually donate or throw out (but won't be repeated on FB dammit!). That seems pretty lame. I can barely wear heels now, how am I going to rock them at 80? (I'm hoping by that time, we can travel around via portals.)

I guess I am going to have to really work on this issue if I don't want to be in the budgetary awareness program my whole life. Although I'm still hoping to become an heiress, if that doesn't pan out, I'm really going to have to tackle this issue. Wish me luck! Although I don't really need luck...

I can stop whenever I want!

The Decision

You're at the farmer's market, looking for the perfect shaved fennel to add to the gourmet feast you've been planning for the last 4 minutes. (Is there such a thing as shaved fennel? That's an excellent question.) That's when it happens - you and this gorgeous creature reach for the organic smoked rhubarb (?) at the same time, lock eyes and it's a wrap. For the next few weeks/months/years, you and this person are in love; it's for really real serious like. And then one day, for reasons unbeknownst to you, they reach into your chest, grab your heart, throw it on the floor and do the Mexican hat dance on it. By the time they're done, your heart is a negligible smudge on the carpet.

Ain't love grand?

After the shock wears off, there are 4 phases of bitterness you go through:

1. Dead heart phase - I hate love. And people. I will never love anyone ever again because love sucks and people suck. I almost hate myself because I am a people and they are just terrible.
2. Slwhore (slut-whore, the wh is silent) phase - Love still sucks, but people suck less because you can have sex with them. And love, that terrible emotion, does not have to be included. As a matter of fact, it can't be included because I have no heart.
3. Tired slwhore phase - I'm tired of sleeping with people whose names I can't remember, but I still can't completely shake off this negative feeling about love.
4. Acquiesence phase - Love...I have some hazy memories of it being good sometimes. I think I might could be kind of ready to be open to thinking about maybe allowing myself to get in touch with those feelings again.

When we get to stage four, that's usually an indicator that we're ready to start dating again. Unfortunately, most of us choose stage three to stick our baby toes in the water. It's pretty self-explanatory; we're tired of the meaningless humping so we think that's a sign that we're open to love. However, since we haven't quite shaken off those last dregs of bitterness, we're still a bit reluctant to get our hearts tangled up with another person.

That's when the universe really decides to f*ck with you. Enter new gorgeous creature.

Your friend's partner/spouse/boo thang finally joins the local bowling/softball/roller derby team and there's someone who may just be perfect for you. Since you're in the tired slwhore phase, you (albeit reluctantly) allow yourself to be introduced. Yeah, they are hecka cute and you like the way their jeans fit their butt. They make you laugh and touch you a lot when you're talking. It feels good - you can almost remember how much you liked flirting. Yet, you can't get too enthusiastic - the last time all this happened, your heart was obliterated and you're just not sure if you can go through that again.

Damn, they got a nice booty!

That's when you have to make the decision. Many of us have found ourselves in situations where it seems like we blacked out and woke up in the monkey house. However, that's not really what happened; we didn't make a decision about what we wanted to do and allowed ourselves to get swept along. When we act without intention, especially in relationships, it can be easy to find our hearts trampled. Not that intention prevents heartbreak, but it stings a bit less when you are a fully present participant.

They sure seem smart. And funny. And they got that booty.

To date or not to date, that is the question. If you're honest with yourself (and are acting with integrity), you know where you are. You may be just a little too reluctant - the thought that this new person could at some point hurt you is too much of deterrent to pursue anything with them. But maybe, just maybe, you make a small decision to be open to the possibility.

See, that wasn't too hard!

I know we all have our baggage; it's difficult not to drag it from relationship to relationship. However, it's up to you whether or not you take all the crap out - all the dirty drawls, the funky socks and that Frankie Says Relax t-shirt you forgot about before you move on to the next person. You can't get rid of all of it, but you can definitely lighten your load. You just have to decide to do that. That's the hardest part, making that decision. Hopefully, if the intentions behind it are healthy, it will turn out the way you want it to. And you get to rub on that booty all you want.

A Question of Integrity

in·teg·ri·ty n.

1. Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.
2. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.

hon·es·ty n.

1. The quality or condition of being honest; integrity.

2. Truthfulness; sincerity: in all honesty.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com

Integrity and honesty. I believed these two words to be synonymous (even www.thefreedictionary.com agrees) until there came a time in my life when I truly experienced the difference between the two. In the nuance of this slight difference birthed a turning point in my life which was profound. So this is a story about when my life got twisted and turned upside down. I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there while I tell you how I became the Princess of Belle Lumière*. (Just bear with me people; Will Smith, thanks for the lines).

 

We have all been in that place where we met someone we were excited about, right? Oh, his muscles, her eyes, his teeth. Ok, maybe the last one is just me, but the point is, we’ve had butterflies in our stomachs and felt the anticipation of what the future may hold with this new person. I don’t necessarily mean the future as in forever; it could be the excitement for a fun summer fling or a roll in the hay kind of good time. I can speak for myself and say I’ve definitely been there and it’s pretty awesome. Ultimately, I think most of us humans are prewired to look for love and sync in when it feels like there’s a connection with another person. I mean, it’s kinda like what Michael said.

Now, with this prospect we inevitably have to ask ourselves “Where am I in my life in relation to what this person is presenting?” Some options may be:

1. I’m ready for LOVE!! I wanna get married, stat! When/if the time is right and you have a good FICO score, no felonies and can be a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed!

2. I’m single and ready to mingle...with you and you and you!

3. I’m open but cautious.

4. I’m emotionally unavailable but totally available for some touchy-feely good times (from heavy petting up to and including sexy times).

5. I’m emotionally unavailable and if you touch me you will feel like you got mauled by a dog breed that I won’t mention because that’s discriminatory.

6. Love don’t live here no more.

7. I’m hung up on this last ex/situation/fling/person who’s now just my friend but they broke my heart and I’m not over them because I love them so much and if they give me the time of day again I will run back to them in a heartbeat because loving like that hurts so good.

8. Fill in the blank because there’s plenty more that I don’t have room to put on here.

 

The million dollar question: how often do we share with our datng prospects how we feel? I would venture to say not often enough. In this game we play called love, it's best to shoot for the truth. The other person deserves to know about where you are; they deserve your integrity. You also deserve that from them. When someone says, "Hey, what’s your status?" it's much easier to say, “Oh, you know, I’m dating here and there,” than to acknowledge it's #5 so that the poor guy doesn’t lose a hand when trying to get to first base. It’s not easy to be vulnerable enough to really say all that's going on with you or what your headspace is, but integrity goes a long way. It gives people the option to decide how they want to interact with you and it liberates you from feeling guilty or annoyed if your new boo is talking about the weekend (or two-week long) trip you'd planned when in actuality you can’t see them past tomorrow and want to go with someone else. Now, please don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you should come out of the gate with #1 either and talk about potential wedding colors. However, there is a very happy, respectful medium that most of us single folks choose to gloss over.

Let’s get back to our definitions of honesty vs. integrity. Honesty means not lying, being sincere and telling the truth. Integrity, on the other hand, comes up when you’re not necessarily prompted, asked or coerced. It’s about a “steadfast adherence to [your] strict moral or ethical code.” It is about you saying to yourself, "I know where I am in my life and I want to make sure that I walk and speak in integrity in my romantic relationships so that no one is ever misled or hurt by my lack of integrity." In rare cases, you may not really know where your head is. That’s when option #8 becomes “I don’t know what the hell I want or what I’m doing, I just know that I feel unsettled” and that’s probably when you shouldn’t deal with anyone. This is a tall order, I know.

Here's my story: it wasn’t until I was in a situation where someone didn’t have integrity with me about where they were in their life that I felt what it was like to move in one space when someone was in a completely different one. It was hurtful and ultimately ridiculous because it all could’ve been avoided had they had integrity about where they were with me and maybe even themselves. I am not a victim and I accept my role of complicity in this (a whole other blog topic that is equally fascinating). As a result, this experience has challenged me to be more deliberate and integrity-minded as I meet other people. The challenge here is to do your best at all times. We aren’t perfect, but as I was once told, we can always “do better.”

Signing off,

The Princess of Belle Lumière

*This post was written by a guest writer, The Princess of Belle Lumière.

Maybe This Isn't Love

According to most romantic comedies, there's this moment, usually surrounded by some kind of conflict (love triangle, crazy ex-spouse, surprise - this is your kid!), in which you realize that you're in love with that certain someone. Although love is a concept that's not tangible, movies have this way of making sure the audience knows that the protagonist is now in love. They start looking at their beloved with googly eyes or they passionately kiss them or they run accross town to stop them from getting on a plane; whatever the scene, it often involves a montage with love songs. Unfortunately, it's not always so obvious in real life.

When asked how they knew they were in love with their boo, most people say, "I don't know, I just knew. I had this feeling, ya know?" (Uh huh. That's a great way of explaining it.) Having been in love once before, I do know what they're talking about. However, also knowing how that situation worked out (Sexy Heroin), me thinks that my understanding of what love really looks/feels like is a little bit screwed skewed. That's why I don't watch romantic comedies anymore without a small box of skepticism. And sour patch kids (but only when I'm feeling especially bitter).

After many conversations at the bar and lots of deep introspection (usually in a tropical venue with a fruity cocktail), I have put together a list of beliefs that are a result of some of my experiences...which is probably why my love life has been soooooo fucking difficult interesting. If none of these sound familar, congratulations, you may have a healthy, realistic sense of love!

La di da, stop bragging now. Rude.

Here's the list:

1. My feelings for this person must be intense and overwhelming in order for it to be love.
2. If you've never cried over someone while lying on the floor in a fetal position, it's not love.
3. Love is complicated and difficult.
4. You can't possibly love someone if you don't fight a lot.
5. Jealousy = love.
6. If there isn't the slightest bit of insecurity, how can you really love them?
7. There must be a constant push/pull dynamic.
8. Lotsa sex, all the time.
9. Love means accepting them as they are...including their bullsh*t ways of treating you.

What I am discovering is that while these things can and do exist in love relationships, this isn't actually what love has to look like. How I figured this out is between me and the highlighted passages of various self-help books. Here's what I'm beginning to understand about my misconceptions:

1. Intense and overwhelming - those are great feelings to have about someone, it's most definitely a high. But most of the time, it's just good old-fashioned lust. I know, I know, it can be difficult to discern between the two, especially when there's a party in your pants.
2. Your feelings will inevitably get hurt whenever you love someone. Hopefully, if you're on the floor in the fetal position it's because you're kind of dramatic.
3. There's a rumor going around that it's actually not that complicated - it's quite easy. That must be nice.
4. I'm a lover, not a fighter. While it's important to discuss your feelings and that may cause a conflict, it doesn't have to be a fight. Fighting does not necessarily mean you're more passionate about your relationship; it could just mean you're an asshole who likes to start sh*t.
5, 6, & 7. Someone who really loves you makes sure you know your role in their life, how important you are to them and how they feel about you. That often takes care of the jealousy and insecurity (although there are some people who just happen to be that way regardless of what you do - they are not fun to date, by the way). There is no push/pull because you are right where you're suppposed to be - by their side.
8. I know there's an ebb and flow to people's sex drives. People get tired, they have kids, they're gassy...nope, holding on to #8.
9. This is a tough one, because all we want is for someone to accept us for who we are, including the smelly feet and the beanie baby collection. However, when their unique specialness (and issues) impacts their ability to treat us well, we have to draw the line. Being a douchebag is not an acceptable quality.

I guess I'm growing or something. But I will continue to scoff at romantic comedies - I mean how does a waitress afford a huge loft apartment in Manhattan and never has any morning breath or boogers? Come on.

All Swag Isn't Good Swag

I've been pretty up front about my dating disasters life. At best, it's been an interesting ride, with lots of personal growth and these little teachable moments for the rest of you. (You're welcome by the way, for all the suffering I've been through just so you can avoid going through it too.) At worst, jail time, homophobia and ugly crying in the fetal position on the floor of my office have also been involved (no, not my jail time, silly!). It's been suggested I write a book about my experiences, but I feel like a book is just too public; the internet is a much more private sphere, wouldn't you say? I mean that's why we put our drunk show pictures on Facebook right?

Riiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhhhht.

I recently had another teachable moment on behalf of y'all. Yay! You are so lucky how willing I am to take one for the collective team of single folks and wannabe daters. Before I start, let me disclaim that I was under the influence of alcohol (surprise) and a tinge of dater's desperation. Don't judge me, I've been officially single for a long time! (Did you figure out the answer from the Serially Unsingle equation? The winner gets to buy me a drink.) I don't know if you know this, but even just a smidge of dater's desperation + a few smidges of alcohol = a big old smidge of clouded judgment.

Let me paint the scene. It's late afternoon and me and my girls decide to have a festive libation or two before heading to an event. As I approach the bar to procure the second drink, an alleged gentleman proceeds to converse with me. (OMG, I was having a conversation at the bar! Crazy!) The conversation was good, he made me laugh a lot and he made my friends laugh. Although I couldn't say he was someone I was physically attracted to, he had swag.

[Sidenote: According to the urban dictionary, swag has a pretty negative connotation amongst the youngins that cites douchebaggery and sagging jeans. My understanding is that swag is about how one carries themselves; it's in a confident manner that may sometimes (but not always) involve some boastfulness sprinkled with bragadociousness. I also learned that swag used to be code for Secretly We Are Gay, which in hindsight, could have applied to my date.]

I give him my number and after the requisite waiting period, he called me. There were a couple of pink flags, but since we were just getting to know each other, I filed them away for later. The conversations were definitely entertaining; he just loved to talk about how amazing and different he is from your average dude. He most certainly was impressed by me - talking to me was like talking to himself because I'm so smart and polished and pretty and articulate (this is what he told me repeatedly by the way, this is not my swag showing).

After talking for a few days, those pink flags were starting to darken into a red - not enough to dissuade me from going on an actual date, but enough for me to confess my concerns to my diary.

Dear Diary,
Although I'm thoroughly entertained by this guy, I am concerned about the number of compliments he inflicts on me as well as on himself. I believe I have been placed on a pedestal and while it's flattering, it's also uncomfortable. I also find myself unable to reciprocate these compliments because a. they are not true and 2. I only give compliments when I believe in them. Diary, what should I do? I don't even remember what he looks like, other than he's not taller than me. He also has this high pitched voice and uses the N-word a lot! Am I only entertaining this because he has swag? Oh Diary, decisions, decisions!

When we met for our date, I knew immediately this was not going to be a love connection. Desperate dater or not, there are some things you just know. While the date was mostly fine, at the end, we got into an argument in which he insulted my friends (most of whom he'd never met nor heard much about)! I'll spare you the details, but the crux of the problem was that I was not complimentary enough and I had insinuated that he was just a regular guy - this assertion made it totally obvious that I was not paying close enough attention to his swag. I clearly wasn't listening; he was so smart, so polished, so pretty and so articulate, how could I have missed all of this?

What I realized was that his swag was not real swag, it was all trickerations and bluffery. He spent a lot of time trying to convince me that he was this great guy, when in reality, he didn't even believe it himself. He was trying to get validation from me, someone who barely knew him, and when he didn't, he had a temper tantrum and stormed out of the car. This isn't to say that swag is a bad thing; some of my favorite people carry their swag quite well. However, it's important to pay attention to what else is going on; is their swag well-earned? Is it based on reality or delusions of grandeur? Are they telling you about their swagtasticness or are they showing you in being who they are?

Although I'll never get that Friday night back, I did learn a couple of valuable lessons. 1. Compliments only have meaning when they are genuine. 2. Not all swag is real; it may be smoke and mirrors. 3. If a date isn't going well, I should leave - time is precious. 4. Don't ignore the pink flags because they can quickly (and often do) turn into bright, pulsating red flags. 5. Dater's desperation is no joke - do not mix with alcohol. Again, you're welcome.

Dater's Desperation

I've been accused of many things; being too smart, being too tall and reading books way too fast. I've also been given the side-eye about my relationship with tomatoes (no, I don't swim naked in them, I just love me some tomato-based products but hate tomatoes) and my aversion to wearing uncomfortable shoes despite buying many pairs of them. I say whatever, people don't know my life! However, there is one particular area  that I've had problems with for most of my adulthood and I have been unjustly accused of it being my fault.

Dating.

If you have been following my blog for a while, you're somewhat familiar with my dating disasters life. (If you have not been following my blog, you clearly have been wasting your time looking at other blogs and it's time for you to catch up. Go ahead, I'll wait.) Judging by some of the clowns I've written about, one could deduce that I'm not especially picky. I could blather on and on about being trickerated, but it would not give me back the time and cute outfits I've wasted on those dudes. (I really was told that maybe I was too smart by a date, FYI.) While you indeed could deduce that, you sir/madam would be wrong! Wrong I say!

I am generally picky when it comes to affairs of the heart. I know what I like and I can usually tell when a guy will move beyond the first phone conversation (although nowadays, it's more like a textversation). Apparently, this is my problem - I don't give a guy a real chance. It's been suggested numerous times for me to think outside the box, to let go of my "type" and date someone different. Then I do and I wind up writing about them being liars and sending it to them to read (true story).

Sigh.

There are periods of time when I've quit dating because it's exhausting. However, it gets lonely in these mean streets and sometimes all you want is a boo thang to make you play hooky from work every now and again. It's not a crime; we all need a kiss on the neck to remind us that we're human (and to wash your dirty neck). It's just when we're looking really hard for that kiss, we may forget a couple of things.

Like having standards.

There are ways you can fight this loneliness - spend more time with your friends and family, take up a new hobby (the zither is going to make a comeback any moment, I know it), focus on other aspects of your life that may be a little lackluster. I know it's easier said than done; you've washed your neck everyday, waiting for that kiss. But before you know it, you find yourself entertaining the possibility of dating that guy from the gym who looks like your Aunt Esther. Or that chick who kind of reminds you of Steve Urkel (like he wasn't a total hottie when he turned into Stefan, stop acting like you didn't watch the show). You did get a hello and wink last time your paths crossed; maybe you should take them up on their Jamba Juice for two coupon.

That my friend, may be a sign that you are coming down with a case of Dater's Desperation.

Do not despair, it's nothing to be ashamed of! Almost everyone has experienced it; some have even married under its influence. (DON'T DO IT!!!) If you've been single for a long time and you're tired of it, you may find yourself giving folks a chance who really should not be out amongst the general public. We start making up lies, like how much it doesn't bother us that they're a little cross-eyed or they believe that North Career is a country. It's okay that they chew with their mouth open or that they take a swig of gin first thing in the morning (it kills the germs). It's okay...they kissed you on your neck.

Okay, it was really your elbow, but it most certainly was close. Especially when you raise your hand, your elbow is hella much closer to your neck.

You and I both know this is not okay. You're better than this. Don't give in to the desperation. I can't promise you that you'll find your true love or that "the one" is going to cross your path tomorrow at the grocery store but if you clog your life up with these out-of-desperation folks, there will not be enough room for the right ones. While I've definitely experienced my fair share of Dating Fatigue Syndrome, I know that it can be better. Have patience, young grasshopper.

And don't let nobody kiss on your elbows. Save that for marriage.

Serially Unsingle

I’ve been officially single for a long time. I won’t embarrass myself by disclosing the last time I had a boyfriend, but I will cop to the fact that it’s been more than a year, less than a decade. (If you want to figure out the exact amount of time, multiply 253 by 4, divide it by 7, add 11978 and then go screw yourself.) Did you notice that I used the word officially? Unofficially, it’s a whole ‘nother story.

Many of us find ourselves in hazily and creatively defined relationships with people. Do any of these sounds familiar to you?

1. Dating exclusively, but we’re not into labels (i.e. we act like we’re in a relationship, but if anyone says that they are my boyfriend/girlfriend, I will quickly correct them).
2. “Friends” with benefits.
3. We have an understanding that our relationship is a very private and intimate thing (i.e. we do not go out in public because my significant other may hear about it).
4. We’re sexually exclusive, but can date others. If we want to have sex with another person, we agreed to tell each other before doing so in the most honest and compassionate way.
5.  We date and have sex with each other, but also with others except I can’t confirm or deny that the other person knows that this is the parameters of our relationship.
6. We have an open relationship.
7. We’re not together anymore, but there is no discernible difference between our relationship now and how it was when we were together.
8. We have a relationship; it’s just that the other person is unaware because they like to pretend they don’t know me when our paths cross accidentally on purpose since I happen to know their schedule and where they’ll be every day.

There’s no judgment regarding the kind of relationship you and your boo construct (although #8 may be considered stalking by law enforcement). These days, it seems like a traditional, unmarried relationship is no longer in vogue; it’s almost shocking to hear someone say “This is my boy/girlfriend.” Again, that may not be the path for everyone. However, some of us engage in these relationships in an attempt to avoid being alone and dealing with our sh*t. Quite honestly, we are afraid of being truly alone.

As someone who stayed in an on-again, off-again situationship for far too long, I will be the first to admit that it wasn’t just the love that kept me around. Despite how unhealthy and stagnant the relationship had become, there was an element of validation; someone out there wanted me and I had someone to cuddle with (when we weren’t angry or bitter toward each other). Unfortunately, it got to the point where all that cuddling couldn’t undo all the hurt and frustration. It was better to be single. Not kind of single, not I’m in situation #1-7 (please don’t be in #8), but fa reals single. No one to chat on the phone with, no one to go to the movies with, no one to take as a date to yet another wedding, no one.

Lucky for me, there are a number of toothless gentlemen on my way to work to give me validation.

Although I’ve been truly single before, a lot of people are allergic to being single. We all have that friend who always has someone. Whether it’s just a booty call or a non-exclusive, sexually exclusive, unlabeled situation, they cannot be alone. Yes, sometimes it takes the next one to get the ex one out of your system, but jumping from the ex to the next without taking a moment (or 2304 moments) to really look at what happened in your last relationship is a recipe for repeating the same mistakes….over and over again. <---Yeah, that would be me.

So if you find yourself in an uncomfortable situationship and are staying for the sake of being kinda, sorta, a little tiny bit, sometimes on Wednesdays booed up, maybe it's time for you to try being alone.We often forget how much time and space another person takes up. It's actually pretty cool being alone; you learn all kinds of sh*t about yourself. Not only that, it gives you a little bit of time to clear out the funky socks and dirty drawls that are left in your baggage before you take it on the next adventure.

The Monkey House

One of the most entertaining exhibits at the zoo (it feels wrong to describe animals in this way, but I can't seem to find the right word) tends to be the monkey house. It's cool to watch them swing from tree to tree, to groom each other and engage in other human-like behavior. (Sidebar - is that why it's the most entertaining? Because we're totally narcissistic and essentially like to watch ourselves? Talk amongst yourselves.) However, sometimes the monkeys get agitated; they start hitting each other, howling at one another and before you know it, they're throwing feces all over the place. It's a sh*t show. Literally.

Monkeys are funny. They throw poop.

Hopefully, most of us are past the feces-throwing stage. (My true hope is that none of us ever threw feces, but some childhoods were rougher than others.) We have language to communicate our feelings and societal rules and expectations that strongly discourage hitting and feces throwing. However, there are some relationships that upon reflection we realize something - we are/were in the f*cking monkey house!

We all know that at the beginning of a relationship, we're our best selves. We hide the beanie babies, clean out our cars and we work really hard to keep our OCD tendencies to ourselves. Once we trickerate get comfortable with our prospective loves, we let our freak flag fly free. We've built trust, mutual respect and an understanding that you will be accepted for who you are. Yay, love!

But sometimes...we're too accepting.

Each of us has different standards and ideas of what love looks and feels like. What may be acceptable to some is absolutely intolerable to others. Yet, there are some common themes of what we believe is loving and respectful behavior. Affection, consideration, respect, communication - it would be difficult for me to conceive of a healthy and happy relationship without these components. Unfortunately, some of us forget and find ourselves in situations where none of these concepts are to be found.

It's not like your relationship started off that way (I hope). The representatives came and went; that's when the problems started. Sometimes those representatives are false; they are 180 degrees different from who the person actually is. We are drawn in by who we think they are (because that's how they show up initially) and as they get comfortable, their true colors start to show. It is difficult for us to accept that the person we fell for doesn't really exist and it's the mofo in front of us that we're left to deal with.

Trickerated.

This idea of the person that you fell in love with (you know, the one who doesn't actually exist) is holding you hostage in your relationship. You hope that they will return, so you stick around longer and longer, waiting for their return. Before you know it, your behavior starts to mimic theirs. No way in a million bajillion years could you imagine yelling expletives at someone you love. Or going on secret intelligence missions to figure out who they texted at 1 am. Or throwing feces. You learned it from watching them.

6 signs that you're in the monkey house:
1. Your behavior changes in a negative way.
2. You're embarrassed to tell your friends about what goes on in your relationship.
3. You make excuses for why they are acting that way.
4. You start telling yourself that your wants and needs are unrealistic.
5. You become that couple no one wants to be around because your interactions are so disrespectful and uncomfortable to watch.
6. The poop issue.

We tell ourselves little stories about their (mis)behavior, subconsciously normalizing it. "They're broken." "They've always loved crackheads so they don't know how to have a healthy relationship." "Their mom/dad was emotionally manipulative." "Feces is good for the earth and everyone poops." All of these things may be true, but it doesn't mean we have to accept them. It is not a bad thing to end a relationship with someone because they are broken. Unless they're really working on healing and making deliberate changes, you owe it to yourself to get out of the monkey house.

Besides, sh*t is really hard to get off the walls...so I've heard.