A Question of Integrity

in·teg·ri·ty n.

1. Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.
2. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.

hon·es·ty n.

1. The quality or condition of being honest; integrity.

2. Truthfulness; sincerity: in all honesty.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com

Integrity and honesty. I believed these two words to be synonymous (even www.thefreedictionary.com agrees) until there came a time in my life when I truly experienced the difference between the two. In the nuance of this slight difference birthed a turning point in my life which was profound. So this is a story about when my life got twisted and turned upside down. I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there while I tell you how I became the Princess of Belle Lumière*. (Just bear with me people; Will Smith, thanks for the lines).

 

We have all been in that place where we met someone we were excited about, right? Oh, his muscles, her eyes, his teeth. Ok, maybe the last one is just me, but the point is, we’ve had butterflies in our stomachs and felt the anticipation of what the future may hold with this new person. I don’t necessarily mean the future as in forever; it could be the excitement for a fun summer fling or a roll in the hay kind of good time. I can speak for myself and say I’ve definitely been there and it’s pretty awesome. Ultimately, I think most of us humans are prewired to look for love and sync in when it feels like there’s a connection with another person. I mean, it’s kinda like what Michael said.

Now, with this prospect we inevitably have to ask ourselves “Where am I in my life in relation to what this person is presenting?” Some options may be:

1. I’m ready for LOVE!! I wanna get married, stat! When/if the time is right and you have a good FICO score, no felonies and can be a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed!

2. I’m single and ready to mingle...with you and you and you!

3. I’m open but cautious.

4. I’m emotionally unavailable but totally available for some touchy-feely good times (from heavy petting up to and including sexy times).

5. I’m emotionally unavailable and if you touch me you will feel like you got mauled by a dog breed that I won’t mention because that’s discriminatory.

6. Love don’t live here no more.

7. I’m hung up on this last ex/situation/fling/person who’s now just my friend but they broke my heart and I’m not over them because I love them so much and if they give me the time of day again I will run back to them in a heartbeat because loving like that hurts so good.

8. Fill in the blank because there’s plenty more that I don’t have room to put on here.

 

The million dollar question: how often do we share with our datng prospects how we feel? I would venture to say not often enough. In this game we play called love, it's best to shoot for the truth. The other person deserves to know about where you are; they deserve your integrity. You also deserve that from them. When someone says, "Hey, what’s your status?" it's much easier to say, “Oh, you know, I’m dating here and there,” than to acknowledge it's #5 so that the poor guy doesn’t lose a hand when trying to get to first base. It’s not easy to be vulnerable enough to really say all that's going on with you or what your headspace is, but integrity goes a long way. It gives people the option to decide how they want to interact with you and it liberates you from feeling guilty or annoyed if your new boo is talking about the weekend (or two-week long) trip you'd planned when in actuality you can’t see them past tomorrow and want to go with someone else. Now, please don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you should come out of the gate with #1 either and talk about potential wedding colors. However, there is a very happy, respectful medium that most of us single folks choose to gloss over.

Let’s get back to our definitions of honesty vs. integrity. Honesty means not lying, being sincere and telling the truth. Integrity, on the other hand, comes up when you’re not necessarily prompted, asked or coerced. It’s about a “steadfast adherence to [your] strict moral or ethical code.” It is about you saying to yourself, "I know where I am in my life and I want to make sure that I walk and speak in integrity in my romantic relationships so that no one is ever misled or hurt by my lack of integrity." In rare cases, you may not really know where your head is. That’s when option #8 becomes “I don’t know what the hell I want or what I’m doing, I just know that I feel unsettled” and that’s probably when you shouldn’t deal with anyone. This is a tall order, I know.

Here's my story: it wasn’t until I was in a situation where someone didn’t have integrity with me about where they were in their life that I felt what it was like to move in one space when someone was in a completely different one. It was hurtful and ultimately ridiculous because it all could’ve been avoided had they had integrity about where they were with me and maybe even themselves. I am not a victim and I accept my role of complicity in this (a whole other blog topic that is equally fascinating). As a result, this experience has challenged me to be more deliberate and integrity-minded as I meet other people. The challenge here is to do your best at all times. We aren’t perfect, but as I was once told, we can always “do better.”

Signing off,

The Princess of Belle Lumière

*This post was written by a guest writer, The Princess of Belle Lumière.