My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me

Intelligent. Strong. Fun. Nice. Talented. Loving. Sophisticated. Exciting. Feminine. Masculine. Handsome. Pretty. Tall. Petite. Athletic. Curvy. Sexy. Beautiful. Spirited. Friendly. Skinny. Funny. Confident. Compassionate. Sweet. Creative. Ambitious. Hard-working. Amiable. Fit. Survivor. Sensitive. Courageous. Calm. Statuesque. Down to earth. Laid back. Tenacious. Driven.

Enough about me, let's talk about you.

Kidding, I'm kidding!

I know those are only a few of the thousands of adjectives we may use to describe ourselves. Yes, those are generally the more positive ones, but how often do we use the less positive ones? Hopefully, we're aware that they do exist and we are truthful with ourselves about how they pertain to us. There's nothing wrong with seeing yourself with rose-tinted glasses; it's actually a great coping strategy for getting along in such a competitive world. In order to sell ourselves, whether it be to a potential job, partner or friend, we have to believe in what we're selling. (If we're selling ourselves, does that mean we're our own pimps? Hmmm, ponderate on that.) But what happens when how we see ourselves collides with how we are behaving?

Yeah, my brain hurts too.

So are we lying to ourselves? Are we big ole hypocrites? Of course we are, we're human! As I've stated before, there's a certain level of denial that all of us operate under to protect ourselves from dwelling and ruminating on our flaws. However, when we continuously ignore the incongruence between our behavior and how we define ourselves, it's very easy to become emotionally and developmentally stagnant.

That probably makes more sense in my head. Here are some examples:

1. Your friend who always talks about how ready s/he is to get married and have children but is the epitome of commitment phobia.
2. The person who describes themselves as athletic but can barely breathe walking up the stairs.
3. Your co-worker who says they are hard-working but gets to work late, leaves early and passes their responsibilities on to others.
4. The person who says they are punctual but often shows up late.
5. Calling yourself a night-owl when you can barely stay up past 10 pm.

Of course, we are not going to be how we describe ourselves all the time. I would describe myself as intelligent, but do you know how many times I've parked in front of someone's driveway?! (It's by the grace of the parking angels that I haven't been towed...yet.) We all have our moments of contradictory behavior. However, there comes a point when your behavior may be an indication that you truly aren't the way you think you are.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It could be an indicator of growth and/or that we're engaging in healthier behavior. For example, a friend of mine would easily describe themselves as athletically challenged. Yet they've started training for a 5K event and go running several times a week. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Some people choose to ignore or find ways to justify their incongruent behavior. They tell themselves they can't do something or they can't change because of whatever excuse reason. Well, Can't lives on Won't street. (Thanks, A.S.) When we keep living in denial, we're missing the opportunity to either make necessary changes in our lives or to truly embrace who we are and the choices we make.

Although there were numerous reasons for me to leave Sexy Heroin alone a long time ago, none of them were compelling enough to me...until I started feeling like I couldn't respect myself. How I saw myself as a person and being involved with SH at the same time started to conflict. How could I truly be this self-aware, self-confident, and emotionally intelligent woman and deal with him at the same time? It didn't add up. I had 3 options: 1. continue to ignore these thoughts and feelings 2. change how I see myself to accommodate my unhealthy situationship or C. leave him alone so that I could continue believe myself to be all those things. I (finally) chose C.

I'll be damned if I have to start describing myself as a weak-willed, emotionally-flagellating sucker for bulls*it!

I Quit You

                            

Dear Men,

I really love you...a lot. Some of you are so sexy, so smart and smell really good. I like the way you walk, the bass in your voice and your facial hair. You know how to make me laugh when I need to and can be very comforting when I'm having a rough day. Some of you give really good hugs and know how to make a woman feel valued and loved. You guys are awesome and I appreciate you.

Unfortunately, none of the guys I've dated recently fall into the awesomeness category. I've been dating or entangled with the others, you know, the chicken nuggets. These are the ones that give you awesome men a bad name and are ruining the image of all men, awesome ones included. Based on my personal experience, there seems to be a lot of them, whether you meet them organically or through the interwebs. Obviously, there are some good ones out there, but I think my friends married them already. And for some reason, they don't travel in packs.

Sigh.

What's that? You want to laugh at my pain? Okay, fine, I'll share. But please, do not judge me by the choices I've made. I've been hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray. As women, we're constantly being told that our requirements are unrealistic and we all want to find a unicorn in a field of 4-leaf clovers that are tended by leprechauns with pots of gold and whatnot. So I've tried my best to keep an open mind; however, an open mind has led to some very...interesting dating experiences.

1. Sexy Heroin - this guy has been around off and on for an embarrassing amount of time. I'm currently in detox mode, hence the reason I attempted to start dating again. However, after some of the dates I've had, it's no wonder I kept going back! (See what I did there, I said kept, as in the past tense, as I'm not going back no more times in the present or the future...but all prayers and words of encouragement are welcome!)

2. Around the Way Guy - (Not as the male counterpart to LL's "Around the Way Girl," which is still a great song, btw.) Oakland is a fairly small town dressed up to look like a medium-sized city. So of course, you see the same folks repeatedly over the years. AWG and I had been introduced a couple times (and there was the drunken neck biting incident of '09, but I digress and no, I wasn't the biter), had folks in common and sometimes saw each other at the gym. He finally asked me out. Nothing was really that wrong with him; he was great on paper. However, he thought that his stories of excessive drinking and smoking pot during college days were totally enthralling and that it was appropriate to let me know he was checking out my booty.

3. Doppelganger Guy - I'd seen this guy several times at the grocery store and he looked like the twin brother of a guy I once was crazy about. Yes, I have a type, okay? Our paths had crossed enough for us to actually go out on a date. The first date was good; conversation flowed, he made me laugh and I thought he was attractive. The 2nd date was alright. Less to talk about, but still, I had hope. The third date...there wasn't one. "You didn't get my text to call me so we can reschedule?" Uh, no, negro, that's when you pick up the phone and call me. When he started talking about how modern technology can be so unreliable, all hope was gone.

4. Drunken Irish Guy - Although I immediately noticed that he actually was not 5'10, I let it slide because we were at least eye level. Lunch with a few drinks led to him trying to make out with me at the bar. I'm pretty sure I didn't extend an invitation for him to slip me the tongue, but um, okay. We proceed to another bar and as he leans in, tongue extended, I'm forced to put my foot down. "Yeah, I'm really not into the whole making out at the bar scene." "Oh, okay, I hear you." He must have started pouring the 6 subsequent beers in his ears, because he seemed unable to hear me when I kept saying I didn't want to kiss him. After he became the obnoxious, drunken Irish guy, I took it as my cue to exit.

5. 5150 Guy - For those of you who are not fully acquainted with the penal code, 5150 means involuntary psychiatric hold (aka cray-cray). I sensed this guy was toeing the very fine line between different-weird and different-interesting, but was willing to give him a shot because he was attractive and 6'2. Within the first 2 minutes of our date, it was confirmed - he was different-crazy. Besides the fact that he talked at me the entire time, his choice of topics ranged from being connected to the biorhythms of the city and how he didn't have enough currency to travel internationally (or pay for a meal at Chipotle, apparently). When he mentioned that people who are 5150'd aren't the insane ones, that they're actually the most intelligent people and that's why they are feared, my spidey sense told me that he's been 5150'd at least once in his life. I don't need to date the population with whom I work, m'kay?


Henceforth, therewith, me done. As a preventative step from becoming the queen of all bitter b*tches, I've decided to recuse myself from the dating scene. Clearly, the universe is letting me know that right now, there are other things I need to focus on, including my full recovery from Sexy Heroin. Besides, I'm quite exhausperated (exhausted from being exasperated all the time) anyway. 

The Silent Treatment

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That was my rendition of the silent treatment in a blog. Obviously, I could just not write anything, but how would you know that I was giving you the silent treatment? It's only effective if the person knows that you are intentionally not talking to them. But why would I give you the silent treatment? Could it be that you're not reading my blog consistently? Or maybe you're not commenting? How about you haven't reposted it on FB or Twitter enough times? Maybe I'm in a bad mood and deciding to take it out on you. Or it could be that I'm tired of green monkeys wearing blue tutus to the after party at the taco truck. Whatever the reason, I'm not telling you because I'm not talking to you. Did you peep the ellipses?

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Wait, where are you going? I'm not done giving you the silent treatment.

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Okay, I think I'm done now.

Anyone who has been on the receiving end of the silent treatment will tell you that it is extremely frustrating dealing with someone who stops talking to you...for no apparent reason. Obviously, there is a reason, but because your friend/boo/family member/co-worker is no longer in communication, you are left alone to jump to conclusions. Did you forget a birthday? Did you ignore the thing they asked you not to ignore? Did you say something spectacularly wrong? Clearly, it's the green monkeys in blue tutus because what else can it be?

As a mature adult, the best way to deal with a silent treatment is to let your silent tormentor know that you understand they are feeling some kind of way. When they are ready to have a conversation about the issue, you are ready to listen and you are here for them. You are willing and able to work on the relationship with them. Then y'all can hold hands and sing Kumbaya.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhht. And those green monkey are chilling at my house right now.

Forget about the mature adult, let's talk about us, the real adults. I don't know about you, but I don't like being punished like I'm a child. That's exactly what the silent treatment is - punishment. The silent tormentor feels that you've aggrieved them in some kind of way, so to "teach" you not to do that again, they withdraw and withhold.

Not cool.

Again, your response could be really mature and thoughtful. But if I'm being treated like a child, I just might act like one. "Oh, you're giving me the silent treatment. Well, I'm giving it right back to you." When the original tormentor is done being mad, you're now upset and silently treatmenting them back. And guess what? Nothing gets resolved. What ends up happening is that resentment and frustration build up because needs are not getting met and the original issue doesn't get dealt with. It also sets up an unhealthy and childish relationship dynamic in which no one is communicating. You can forget all about singing Kumbaya.

Now some may argue that they disengage because they don't want to say something out of anger. If you feel you cannot appropriately regulate your anger, it's important that you acknowledge that before taking a time out. Telling your tormentee that you are feeling some kind of way right now and will talk to them when you have calmed down is one of the best things you can do. While they may still suffer through trying to figure out what they did to upset you, at least they know there's a reason for your silence. It will also decrease the likelihood they will try to punish you back. However, don't leave them hanging for too long. If you want your relationship to be a happy and healthy one, it's crucial to keep the lines of communication open. After all, how are they going to know about your green monkey fatigue if you don't tell them?

History vs. His Story

"I heard that he went as far as to get her a ring, ask her to marry him and then left her at the altar!"
"She has 3 kids by 3 baby daddies!"
"S/he has a new boo every other week!"
"His nickname is Can't Keep a Job."
"She likes older men with a lot of money."

The list goes on and on about what can be said about someone's life. While all those statements may be true about your sister/neighbor/cousin/boss, there's always the story behind it. There's a reason why they chose their path, a reason that explains their behavior. Often we don't have the whole story, but are more than ready to make snap judgments about the person who's story we're telling.

"I would never talk to him/her again if they treated me that way!"
"S/he should really be careful about making all those babies! I don't want to pay for them!"
"S/he's so trifling. They're too old to play these games."
"Can't Keep A Job, Can't Keep a Mate is what I say!"
"She ain't nothing but a gold digger. She don't mess with no broke..."

Although our judgments may truly hit the nail on the head, many times we forget there's an actual living, breathing person involved in the story. A human. A flawed, imperfect human. To us, it's just another example of how people are stupid and make dumb-ass mistakes. It makes us feel better about ourselves, because we would never, ever, ever deal with that trifling BS. Right?

Ha!

We often conveniently forget that we have our own story as well. If someone were to tell some of your stories, how would you sound? I'm going to guess you probably sound like a hot mess...just like the rest of us. When we do it, it's okay because we have "serious reasons" and "genuine explanations." Do any of these statements sounds familiar?

"I'm trying to find myself."
"This is my truth."
"Not everyone, especially me, wants to take the traditional path."
"I believe in an unconventional life."
"I manage 19 people."
"I like living frugally, it's really teaching me the value of money."
"S/he doesn't know what s/he wants, but I know that s/he really loves me."

I'm going to go out on a limb - I bet those people we're talking about have the same "serious reasons" for their behavior that we have for our own.

Why do we do this?

Psychobabble reason: we must see ourselves in the most positive light as to not cause ourselves psychic stress in an already highly stressful world. It allows us to continue to build relationships and have life experiences because we can trust ourselves to make the most sense out of situations that may not always make the most sense.*

Real reason: we are full of sh*t and like to live in denial.

When we make excuses for ourselves, we are not dealing with the root cause of our issues or confronting the behavior. Ironically, we're surprised when it keeps on happening. Or really, when we keep on doing it. Many people like to live in denial because then they don't have to do anything about the issue. We believe that once we identify the problem, we have to do something about it. That's not necessarily true. If you want things to change, then yes, you have to change them. But if you're not quite ready yet, then don't. Sometimes, just taking the first step of identifying the issue is enough...for right now. And if you're okay with how it's working, no one is going to make you change. Until you get good and uncomfortable with your circumstances, you won't be invested enough to make changes. Just don't be surprised - when you keep doing the same thing, you keep getting the same results.

So next time you hear about someone else's story, be gentle in your judgment of them. They're just leading an unconventional, non-traditional life, while finding themselves living frugally, which is their truth.



*if you don't understand the psychobabblitic reason, don't worry, I totally made it up; I don't understand it either. :)