Love in the Time of Facebook

 

 

It's the first date. You're having a good time; witty banter, interesting conversation, there's a little flirting going on. Subconsciously, both of you know that this is the interviewing process, but it's been good. No one has asked about the 5 year plan or the disaster known as your relationship history. It's light, it's easy, just how a first date should be. As the date is wrapping up, right before the should-we-kiss dance begins, your date slips in that last question, the one you were hoping to avoid: Are you on Facebook? The question in itself isn't a bad one; even those without a Facebook account know what Facebook is. However, that one question often leads to another, more problematic issue - the Facebook friend request.

Awkward.

Social media is everywhere. It's associated with laundry detergent, cars, shoes, Pringles...almost everything and everyone at the very least has a Facebook page. There's Google +, Pinterest, Myspace, Friendster and a plethora of other sites; although some are more popular than others, they are all forums for people to express themselves and connect with others. It's been responsible for reunions, reconnections, social action, hook-ups, events, and disseminating information. On the surface, this seems great. But there can be a darker side, of break-ups and de-friending, cyber-bullying and cyber-stalking and people displaying their creative sides...with an interesting interpretation of how English works. This begs the question: Should you be Facebook friends with someone you're dating?

I vote no. Actually, an emphatic hell no.

We all know that when you're dating someone new, you are presenting your best self, your representative. (Hopefully, your rep isn't too far a stretch from who you really are, but you still don't let all your crazy show at one time.) On Facebook, many of us do let it all hang out (although some of us need to put it away); we talk explicitly about what we think, how we feel, what we like, what we're doing right now at this very moment today here in this place where we are...we put a lot of information out there. Some of that information might just be a little too much for a new boo. Without any actual knowledge of who you are, it can lead to a lot of misinterpretation and misunderstanding. Or maybe it's an accurate interpretation and understanding they should have...after getting to know you waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better.

Facebook minefields include status updates, photo albums, other people's photo albums, notes, posted articles, pages you like, your friends, getting tagged, tagging others...is that just about everything on Facebook? Basically, anything you post is up for grabs and even the friends you love and adore (do you really know all 732 friends?) can shine a light on things that may need to be discussed...eventually, like on the 17th date or something.

Here's an example of how something so benign can go so wrong:
      
             Status update: I'm having a crunchy pancakes in the dark kind of day.
             Slick Nasty and 17 other friends like this.
             Comments:
             "I'm having a soggy Captain Crunch kind of day."
             "Aw, that's too bad. Mine is more of a Jumbaco kind of day."
             "I got some old Spaghetti-O's going on over here."
             "Well, this is the kind of day I'm having, so I win."
             

Of course, you're being creatively silly and your friends know this about you. Not only do they know, they understand and respond in kind. But your new friend may be scratching their head at several things:

1. What are crunchy pancakes? Does that mean they can't cook basic things? Are they talking about me?
2. Why would they eat them in the dark? Maybe they can't pay their electric bill. Maybe they're expecting me to start supporting them financially. I am not a sugar mama/daddy! Are they talking about me?
3. What grown up eats Spaghetti-O's? They don't even taste good. Maybe their friends all have kids. Maybe they have a kid they haven't told me about yet. I'm not ready to be a step-parent. Are they talking about me?
4. Who are these friends they are associating with? Why is one of them named Slick Nasty? Are they talking about me?
5. Who doesn't know that you have to eat Captain Crunch really quickly or else they will get soggy and disgusting. Not to mention greasy. You can't even drink the leftover milk when that happens. Are they talking about me?
6. Are they talking about me?

See where the mind can go when left to its own devices? It's the devil's workshop, y'all.

It also takes away the opportunity of getting to know each other organically. If you looked at my pictures, you could determine that I like to travel and have been to many places. So now there's no need to ask because you already "know". You can learn where I got my degrees, where I work, who I know, that I believe that a glass wine solves everything and where I've lived without even having a conversation (at the bar) with me. By the time our 2nd date rolls around, there's nothing to talk about except maybe some clarification about crunchy pancakes. (Were you talking about me?) 

Does this mean that you can never be online friends with your boo? No, of course not. There are plenty of couples who are Facebook friends and it's fine; I believe that it is a function of how your relationship works. If your relationship is strong, healthy and the lines of communication are open, there shouldn't be any problems that arise, at least not from some comment made on your status update. However, it doesn't seem to enhance your relationship in any way either, especially in comparison to the amount of detriment that can come from being on Facebook or any other social media site.

While it can be interesting (and very tempting) to see your new friend minus the representative, so much context and background information is missing that you're still not getting a full picture. So be patient; part of the fun of dating someone is the getting to know them process. And when they finally tell you the story about crunchy pancakes in the dark, you'll get it.