Circle, Bird, I'll Tell You When to Land

 "You got me hanging on a string now. I'm not a plaything.

Ah, the great Stringer Alonger (SA). I've briefly mentioned them before, but I think it's time to dedicate a whole conversation to this phenom. To refresh your memory, the SA is someone who may act like your boyfriend/girlfriend, but cannot make an actual commitment. It may walk like a duck and talk like a duck, but they call it a kangaroo and get indignorant (indignant about ignorant sh*t) when you insist upon acting like it's a motherf*cking duck!

Sorry, having a flashback.

If you've ever dated anyone, you've probably experienced some lightweight stringing along. I may be selling out my gender, but I know as women, we are very good at ducking (or kangarooing) and dodging any direct answers when it comes to someone we're not really feeling. Speaking for myself, it comes from a place of empathy; it sucks being rejected and even though we're talking about another adult, I know that my rejection will be incredibly debilitating and may send them into a tailspin of depair. (No illusions of grandeur going on here.) Henceforth, therewith, I have been guilty of doing a little stringing along. However, to be a true SA requires a lot more time, energy and an intimate knowledge of relationship buzzwords and terms of endearment.

Within this category, there are 2 sub-categories: intentional and unintentional Stringer Alongers. There are some people who intentionally string along others because they derive some kind of gain. Whether it is money, sex, or a simple ego boost, these folks are cognizant of what they are doing. The unintentional SA is a little different; they truly care/love/appreciate you and expend time and energy on your relationship. Well, kind of. Sometimes. Mostly when it's convenient for them. But nonetheless, they do really cherish who you are as a human being (and that's exactly what they'll tell you).

How do you know if you're dealing with a real Stringer Alonger? Here are 5 signs:

1. They hint at the possibility of the consideration of thinking about maybe having some kind of committed relationship someday in the nearly distant future that is not right now.

2. They often withhold something crucial such as time, affection, and/or sex.
3. They do and say things that keep you hooked in (i.e terms of endearment, spending some quality time, talking about future plans, engaging in intimate behavior).

4. They do/say things that remind you that you don't actually have a commitment.

5. They insinuate that there are certain things about you that make you almost the right candidate to be their baby boo...that's what's really standing in the way.

In some ways, it's worse dealing with the unintentional SA because you know their feelings for you are genuine (in their mind). The underlying issues with tthem are indecisiveness and fear. They are fearful they will make the wrong decision; even though they know you are amazingly fantastic and would be a fool to let you go, they still aren't sure if you're the most amazingly fantastic person who is completely right for them. So instead, they keep you right where they like you - limbo. Heaven forbid they make a real commitment!

"I've waited oh so long, for you to come to me.

What did I do wrong? It's all a mystery to me."



As the Strung Out, it's easy to paint the picture that we victims. Maybe...at first. However, there comes a time when we realize that this is not going to become what we had envisioned. No holding hands in the sunset, no romantic dinners on Cinco De Mayo, no celebrating the anniversary of the first time you talked on the phone, none of that. When you meet someone with whom you think all of this is going to happen, it's very difficult to accept and let go when you realize that it's not...especially when they are engaging in behavior that makes it seem like it still might could. So you hold on, hoping to show them how right you are for them. Clearly, they can't see the obvious - you are meant to be together.

When you tell yourself this story, you are actually colluding with the Stringer Alonger. This may sound counter-intuitive, but you are equally indecisive. Maybe you've invested too much time and energy into the relationship to let go. Or you're afraid of being alone or that you'll never meet anyone better. Whatever the reason, you aren't going anywhere. However, deep down, you know things won't change; if they wanted to commit to you, they would. Although it feels like the SA has all the power, it's not true; you can leave anytime you want. You just choose not to. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you can acknowledge that's exactly what you're doing. Ultimately, you're responsible for your own happiness. Just remember, if it walks like a pseudo-relationship and talks like a pseudo-relationship, it's not a kangaroo.