Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and Friends with Benefits

What do Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and Friends with Benefits (FWB) have in common? Although there is evidence to the contrary, there are plenty of people out there who believe they are real and devote time and energy in chasing them down. Ever elusive, these three have inspired numerous books, articles and movies.

What is a friends with benefits relationship? As I understand it, it's a sexual relationship between two friends. They usually have a pre-existing friendship, but there is an element of sexual attraction that both parties choose to act on, deciding to forgo the intricacies and expectations of a romantic relationship. Ideally, the two folks can enjoy each other's company, clothed and unclothed, without wreaking any emotional havoc on each other's lives.

Sounds kind of cool...and if we lived an ideal world, this probably would actually work out.

So if the two friends are down and want the same thing, why doesn't it work? Because we, as human beings, are LIARS. We definitely lie to each other, but what's even more noteworthy, is that we lie to ourselves. In order for this kind of relationship to work, we tell each other that we won't allow our emotions to get involved and the moment they do, it's over. We don't want any of that boyfriend-girlfriend, girlfriend-girlfriend, boyfriend-boyfriend stuff going on. Some simple, guiltless, emotion-free nookie is all we're asking for. Is that too much?

Yep.

Although men have a reputation for being emotionless sluts that can stick their being able to compartmentalize sex and emotions, many find that having an emotional connection with their sexual partner enhances their enjoyment. There's also this lovely little hormone called oxytocin that gets released when we orgasm (both men and women) that makes us feel closer to our partner. While not everyone experiences a sense of intimacy with their sexual partner, it's still an act that makes us vulnerable to one another regardless. Seriously, how many people do you allow to see you naked? How many people know what it takes to make you hot under the collar? Exactly. Inevitably, one of you will catch feelings for the other and the nookie is no longer guilt-free, especially when/if those feelings are not reciprocated.

Regardless, many people try (and fail) to have this kind of relationship because they believe that what befalls others won't happen to them. So they go into blindly, without having any pre-established rules. And even though rules are meant to be broken and usually are in this situation, it's good to at least start off with a few. So here are some rules to consider in having a FWB:

1. Time limits. The FWB should be viewed a temporary arrangement, not a permanent situation. The longer you're "together", the harder it will be to avoid developing any feelings. I say 2 months, max.

2. Mutual understanding and agreement. Both of you should agree to boundaries. Is this a monogamous sexual relationship? Are you open about dating other people? Do you tell the other if you met someone special?

3. Protection. This goes without saying.

4. Quality time. Are you only spending time together to have sex? Do you still hang out like before you started having sex?

5. Affection. Are you affectionate outside of the bedroom?

6. Termination. Will you try to return to being friends after it ends?

7. Discretion. Is it common knowledge that the two of you hook up or is it a clandestine kind of thing? If you have mutual friends, will you tell them?

Most importantly, be honest with yourself; is this the kind of relationship you really want or is it something you're settling for? Do you really like this person and you're willing to accept whatever it is they offer in hopes they'll magically fall in love with you? (FYI, that generally only happens in the movies). Regardless of your answer, please go into this situation well-informed and with your eyes wide open. While you are constructing a fantasy in your head about how they'll fall madly in love with you, they might be sleeping with you because the person they really like is making them wait until the 5th date.

So if you insist on moving forward on this type of relationship, be forewarned: there is a high possibility that it will bite you in the booty - and not in the way you like.