Underachieving Overachievers

As a youngster, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said I wanted to be a lawyer. Not only because my mother was one, but because I was a huge fan of LA Law. In college, I thought I wanted to be a pediatrician or psychiatrist (loved watching ER). Obviously, I changed my mind (since both of those shows are no longer on the air) and chose to become a therapist. I completed graduate school, acquired hours and took a licensing exam and voila! I am now licensed to provide psychotherapy.

Hooray.

We have been taught to believe that with education comes more career satisfaction and success. The American dream is within our grasps, especially when we cross the stage and get that degree. Many people decide to pursue higher education because their passion and interests have lead to a path that requires more education. But let's keep it real...the allure of financial success (mo' money) is often a huge part of the equation. Who wants to pay $80K for an education to come out making $35K?

That's right...that was me!*

So clearly it wasn't just about money for me. I'll admit, I'm a bit of a nerd and I like learning. I'm also competitve and driven; how better to prove your success than to get an A on a paper, son? Scholastic aptitude aside, getting a professional degree signified one other thing: I am an overachiever. Unfortunately, being an overachiever doesn't mean your overachievingness equates to success. While the desire to get another degree was about satisfying expectations for my future success, it most certainly did not guarantee it.

Isn't that some bullcrap?

Many overachievers are coming out of whatever professional school and are learning this the hard way. We are smart, gifted, talented and completely under-employed. All those A's do not translate to the dream job. It's a bitter pill to swallow when the student loan people start asking for their money back. Most of us are ill-equipped to deal with the disappointment of not getting what we want, especially in this area of our lives where we have always, well, achieved.

So how do we sustain a positive attitude in this situation? Alcohol. Wine is really helpful in making you feel happy. It is admittedly difficult in our current economy and job market. However, there might be something we're putting in the universe that could be creating an obstacle regarding our employment. One of the downsides to being an overachiever is that we sometimes forget that we're not superior human beings; our expectations may not be the most realistic. If you are underemployed or unemployed, now is the time to dig deep and develop other aspects of yourself that have been neglected. When you're not working or are unhappy with your work situation, it's important to have other outlets. Have you been meaning to write? Organize your baseball cap collection? Learn how to square dance? Whatever it is, do it! Hopefully, all the positive energy you're putting into other aspects of your life will get you closer to your real/dream job.

And while it may take some time for it to happen, you'll finally know how to allemande left like a pro.





*See, when I was interviewing other therapists prior to attending school and looking at websites for various programs, all of them forgot to mention one small little detail - you will be broke. They waxed poetic about the fulfillment of helping people reach their goals and how we contribute to the betterment of society. What they neglected to mention is that you start off being severely underpaid and when you mention that you're a therapist to people, they either want you to therapize them on the spot (like at a party when you have a drink in your hand) or they stop talking because they don't want you to analyze them. Did I mention that you're severely underpaid? Ending rant about profession now.

Seek and Ye Shall Find

You could have sworn you've been in love before, but this one...maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, your nose is wide open! You're doing and saying things you never imagined would come out of your mouth:

"Yes, let's wake up at the butt crack of dawn to watch the sunrise!"
"No, I do want to watch Project Runway/basketball playoffs/Storage Wars with you."
"Hmm, I wonder if my baby would like diamond earrings/season tickets/a new car."

If your life was a scene from a movie, it would be the falling-in-love montage where you're holding hands while skipping on the beach, kissing the little bit of cookie crumb off their lips, and celebrating the anniversary of the first time you saw each other across a crowded room at an event you were dragged to by that friend that makes you go places when you don't feel like it. This is what makes falling in love so awesome.

And for some, so frickin' scary.

While all that skipping and hand-holding feels amazing, falling in love can also feel dangerous and terrifying. You're relinquishing your (perceived) control over your emotions; this other person can greatly impact your day, your week, your month, your life, both positively and negatively. If you haven't worked through your baggage, the fear of being hurt is so great that it can lead to sabotaging behavior, especially if underlying your fear is insecurity and jealousy.

In the majority of relationships, most people will experience these emotions at some point or the other; after all, we are human. Loving someone romantically involves a lot of trust and the belief that this other person (over whom you have no control) will be kind and respectful of your love. Hopefully, you give and receive this kindness and respect and your feelings of jealousy and insecurity are fleeting. However, if your inclination (baggage) is to be mistrustful, jealous and insecure, it becomes the norm to give your partner the side-eye for anything they do.

Before you know it, you become suspicious of everything. Why did it take so long to respond to your text? Why did they get home so late? Who is that chick/dude always commenting on their status updates? How come they didn't answer their phone? What the f*ck are they doing when you're not around? Wait...you know exactly what they're doing. Dirt. Dirty dirt, the kind meant to destroy you! Oh hell naw, you will not sit idly by while they are out running the streets doing their dirt. So you do what any (in)sane, (ir)rational adult would do - you start digging.

Digging, snooping, searching, investigating, whatever you want to call it, is the act of a mistrustful person. Guess what? Whatever you're looking for, you are sure to find. Not necessarily because you caught them doing something, but because you will interpret your findings as proof, regardless of what you find, regardless of their explanation. Once you go down this path, it's very difficult to stop; you'll start checking their email and their phones regularly. Your eyes and ears will be on alert at all times, trying to trip them up and catch them in a lie. Eventually, your baby boo will figure it out and they'll stop communicating with you because no matter what they tell you, you will believe they are lying. They become sneakative and may even begin doing what you've accused them of.

Boom! Your fear of being hurt becomes your reality. You know you get charged extra for all that baggage right?

If you have a reason to be mistrustful in this relationship (i.e catching your boo cheating, lying or engaging in a behavior that makes it challenging to trust them), you may want to re-examine your reasons for staying with this person, as it still doesn't make snooping a legitimate activity. It's also not a good look; you look like the crazy person! If you are suspicious of your mate doing something unsavory, talk to them about it. Of course, if they are, the likelihood of them admitting it is low, but if you can't shake that feeling and you don't feel you can trust them, again, you may want to re-examine your relationship and if it's worth staying.

Now if you are on your way out of the relationship and want to satisfy your suspicions...get out that shovel!*




*I'm kidding - mostly. There are always exceptions to the rule and I know someone has a story or two about how snooping saved their life or at the very least, their favorite pair of shoes.

Sexy Heroin

The connection was evident from the beginning. Although you were in a public venue, it didn't matter because it was just the two of you. Nothing was more important than this moment that you were sharing and both  of you knew...this was something real, something significant. Your life was about to be forever changed; the person you were when you arrived has left the building. It takes your breath away, just remembering the intensity, all those days/weeks/months/years ago.

Sorry, momentary lapse in to Harlequin romance territory.

As dramatic as that sounds (hence the reason Twilight has so many fans), it does often feel like that.With those pheromones (perhaps blended with alcohol and hazy memories of getting laid a looooooooong time ago) snap, crackle and popping all over the place, it's easy to feel like a magical moment happened between you and them. You spend those first months having deep conversations about unicorns, Rainbow Bright and how lucky you would be if your baby had their eyes and your cute little button nose. The two of you together just exude the beautiful essence of fantastical, romantical love. Roses are rosier, babies suddenly stop crying, and the economy slightly improves because of your love. It is that strong! (Yes, I made myself a little bit sick as I wrote that.)

And then it happens...the reality of having a relationship with another person sets in. No more unicorns, it's all about who's turn it is to wash the dishes and why you can't show up on time. These are small, petty contrivances that are part of the growing process. Hopefully, you work through them and move on to the more meaningful stuff (i.e Rainbow Bright vs. The Smurfs). However, there are some things you learn about each other that are detrimental to any relationship; it's clear you can't move forward. Intellectually, you recognize that you're at an impasse; he's irrational, she's too controlling, he can't trust anyone, she is emotionally unavailable. It's obvious to you (and everyone else) that it's time to let go. There's just one small problem.

You can't.

It's inexplicable. All the ups and downs, the side to sides, the topsies and the turvies - it's enough to make anyone try to get on Dr. Phil. But not you. I mean, you are sick - sick of talking about it, sick of knowing better, sick of things being the way they are. Yet, you stay. You engage. You reconcile. You believe that this time it will be different.

My friend, you are addicted to loving this person.

In my line of work, I have been exposed to addiction, primarily to crack and/or alcohol. It's a hot mess. (Yes, that is a clinical term.) People spend most of their lives chasing the drug or chasing sobriety. They know that using is not good for them; it has caused irreparable damage to their lives. Regardless, they cannot stop using. According to Psychology Today:

 Addiction is a condition that results when a person ingests a substance (alcohol, cocaine, nicotine) or engages in an activity (gambling) that can be pleasurable but the continued use of which becomes compulsive and interferes with ordinary life responsibilities, such as work or relationships, even health. Users may not be aware that their behavior is out of control and causing problems for themselves and others.

When you think about past relationships, does this sound maybe vaguely, kind of, slightly, a little bit familiar? Nah, me neither.

Love is very much like a drug. When we experience love, it releases all kinds of feel-good hormones. It helps us attach to whomever - mother, father, boyfriend, girlfriend, son, daughter. In doing so, particularly in romantic love, it initially blinds us to our partner's flaws to help us bond to our baby boos. If you knew from the beginning that his bedroom resembled an episode of Hoarders or that she speaks in a baby voice during sex, would you have dated them? Probably not. Over time, our relationship does deepen and we accept our partners, flaws and all.

Unfortunately, some of those flaws are fatal, the (should be) deal-breakers. They can't commit, they cheat all the time, they're emotionally and/or physically abusive, they are kray kray (another clinical term) - whatever it may be, it's clearly not a healthy scene for you. Yet, even when we do see them, we may choose to ignore them because we're chasing our fix - that heady, overwhelming, all-consuming feeling of love like when we first met. But sadly, just like with heroin (SO I'VE HEARD!!!!!!!), that first hit will always remain the sweetest.

My Real BFF

Some friends and I decided to spend a warm, lovely Sunday at the beach. We weren't in a hurry, but since the weather in the Bay Area is fickle at best, we most definitely wanted to catch as much sun as possible. Books, sunscreen, stunner shades and water in tow, we hop in the car and get on the road. When we made a quick stop at the store for some snacks, it is there that I make a most shocking and angst-provoking discovery: I. Did. Not. Have. My. Cell. Phone. My heart started beating fast and my breath became shallow. OhmygodwhatshouldIdo? It was an internal (and seemingly eternal) struggle.

Inner diaglogue: Okay, this isn't the end of the world. I don't really need my cell phone. But we're only 5 minutes away from my house, I can just run upstairs and grab it. Where did I leave it? Obviously, not in my purse. I'm clearly getting old. Do I even have my keys? Yes, yes, I have the keys. No, I don't really need it. My friends have their cells. What if someone is trying to reach me? What if it's an emergency? Calm down. Remember that time when people could only call you on the house phone? And they had to leave a message at the sound of the beep? You can do this, you got it girl. Just take a deep breath. You'll be fine. You're a survivor, not goin' to give up...Did Beyonce really have that baby or did she pay someone else to do it? Ooh, chocolate!

We've become a cell phone dependent world. With it we take pictures, transfer money, locate the best Thai restaurant, send text messages and emails; sometimes we even use it as a phone (you know, to make phone calls - that's when you type in someone's number, your phone connects to their phone and if they answer, you talk to each other). You can go to the most marginalized, poverty-stricken neighborhoods around the world and everyone and their mama (family plan) has a cell phone. What once was a luxury and a just-in-case-of-emergency item has now become a "necessity." Even my technophobic father (begrudgingly) has a cell phone. While having a cell phone isn't necessarily a bad thing, it has seriously altered our way of life. More importantly, it has altered our relationships and how we interact with another.

Example 1
It's 6:32 on a Tuesday night. The phone rings. You're in the bathroom/grabbing something from the car/listening to your music really loud, so you don't hear it. Time passes (like 20 minutes) and you reach for your phone (I mean, you have been neglecting it). You see that you have 4 missed calls, 7 text messages and 2 voicemails...from the same person. One more time: 4 missed calls, 7 text messages and 2 voicemails, same person.

Once upon a time, that would be considered crazy. However, we have become so used to instant access, it no longer seems weird that someone stalks attempts to contact you repeatedly. How many times have you done this yourself? "Hey, why are you making me stalk you? I done called your cell phone, work phone, left you messages on both and texted you. Where you at?" This of course, is stated congenially and in a joking tone between friends/family/boos, but there is an underlying expectation: I should be able to reach you when I want. (Note: if this is said in a menacing and threatening tone, you should be afraid, very afraid.)

Example 2
You and Baby Boo are cuddled up on the couch, watching old tapes of Video Soul.* His/her phone rings; they pick it up, look at it (while stealthily shielding the screen from your eyes) and send it to voicemail. They put the phone back...face down. You pretend that it doesn't bother you, but you can't help but wonder who it was. Insecurities start to arise and even though you don't want to be nosey, you really want to know who's call they're ignoring.

Back in the day, when someone was creeping, they would never give up the home number; it was either the work, pager or cell phone number. But now, most people only use their cell phone as their means of communication. So while it's possible that they're not answer the phone because it's their side piece calling, it's also possible that it could be their stankin' ass mama or a bill collector ruining your evening with Donnie Simpson. If there are any trust issues in your relationship, it's the stankin' ass cell phone that could be contributing to and/or highlighting the problems.

Example 3
You and a friend go to a concert you've been wanting to see. You're really enjoying yourself and your friend's company. That is until you see them on their phone and realize they are busy updating their FB status about how good a time they're having.

Unfortunately, the cell phone has become the third wheel in most of our interactions. We are constantly checking texts, emails and Facebook; we might have missed something going on in the interwebs in the last 5 minutes. The truth is that what we are actually missing is our own lives; we're too busy telling everyone how great our experience is that we're not truly experiencing it. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? Are we having these experiences for the sake of the experience or is it because we want to have interesting and jealousy-provoking status updates?

Hmmm....

I know y'all were concerned about how I survived the day without my phone. It was rough; I knew that I'd missed 4 calls, 7 texts and 2 voicemails (from different people this time). But when I got home, no calamity had befallen anyone I knew and it seemed like everything was alright with the world. Of course, when I left the house again, I made sure my phone was safe and sound...in my purse.





*For those of you who don't know, Video Soul was an awesome show on BET that played music videos and interviewed current R&B artists. This was back in the day when BET was good.