What Size Are You Packing?

Get your minds out of the gutter! That's an after-hours conversation at the bar! I'm talking about your baggage...and just so you know, size does matter.

We carry around with us our various life experiences. These experiences shape our understanding of how the world works and how we see ourselves in it. It also greatly influences our ability to relate to others and impacts our relationships, both platonic and romantic. Unfortunately, the negative experiences tend to carry much more weight than the positive ones, sometimes leading to dysfunctional behavior that wreaks havoc in our personal lives.

As we get older and accumulate more experiences, our bags can become more plentiful and heavier. You may have started with a small carry-on of little slights and disappointments, but as time goes on, you have expanded to a mid-size suitcase full of shame and bitterness too. Before you know it, you have the whole Samsonite luggage collection, with an animal carrier on the side (and you don't even have a pet!) full of disappointment, shame, bitterness, resentment, anger, frustration and hostility. It's hard to carry all that around, day after day, all by yourself. And no one can help you, because they keep tripping over all your bags.

Unpacking some of your baggage can be difficult; no one wants to pull out their dirty laundry and really look at it. Does it smell funny? How dirty is it really? Has it been buried at the bottom of the bag for so long, you can barely recognize it? While some issues may be right at the surface, others may seem to be suppressed...until they pop up unexpectedly. "Aw, damn Gina, how did I get back into a relationship with Slick Nasty?"

Here's the thing - we often don't recognize our issues until they get triggered, usually in our interactions with other people. We tend to repeat behaviors and relationships because we're trying to change the outcome of our original experience/relationship. However, your pattern of behavior with this type of person or in a certain situation has been already established and can be difficult to change, especially if you aren't aware of what's going on. Unfortunately, many people choose to remain oblivious, only to wonder why they end up in the same situations over and over again. This can often lead to feelings of powerlessness and frustration, thus contributing more weight to our baggage, to the point where we add one more bag to the collection. 

And boy, are they a drag to carry around.

So how do you start lightening your load? First, figure out what you want in your life. It's okay if you don't have all the details, but just starting with a general goal is helpful. Then figure out what's stopping you from getting it. It sounds very basic and easy, but I know that it's not. While there are some things that are out of your control, there are a lot of other things that you can work on to improve the possibilities. Some of those things may be concrete, tangible goals (i.e. saving money to travel) and others are more internal and introspective (i.e. identifying how your abandonment issues play out in your relationships). It's hard work and sometimes, it can be really difficult facing who you truly are versus the person you've constructed in your head. But once you do, you'll be able to pack light.

So, I encourage you to drag out those musty and dusty bags you think you've been hiding and get to unpacking. You may discover that there are some good things in there too!



*Although Erykah Badu is singing about the ladies, don't get it twisted, men have just as much baggage as women.

Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and Friends with Benefits

What do Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and Friends with Benefits (FWB) have in common? Although there is evidence to the contrary, there are plenty of people out there who believe they are real and devote time and energy in chasing them down. Ever elusive, these three have inspired numerous books, articles and movies.

What is a friends with benefits relationship? As I understand it, it's a sexual relationship between two friends. They usually have a pre-existing friendship, but there is an element of sexual attraction that both parties choose to act on, deciding to forgo the intricacies and expectations of a romantic relationship. Ideally, the two folks can enjoy each other's company, clothed and unclothed, without wreaking any emotional havoc on each other's lives.

Sounds kind of cool...and if we lived an ideal world, this probably would actually work out.

So if the two friends are down and want the same thing, why doesn't it work? Because we, as human beings, are LIARS. We definitely lie to each other, but what's even more noteworthy, is that we lie to ourselves. In order for this kind of relationship to work, we tell each other that we won't allow our emotions to get involved and the moment they do, it's over. We don't want any of that boyfriend-girlfriend, girlfriend-girlfriend, boyfriend-boyfriend stuff going on. Some simple, guiltless, emotion-free nookie is all we're asking for. Is that too much?

Yep.

Although men have a reputation for being emotionless sluts that can stick their being able to compartmentalize sex and emotions, many find that having an emotional connection with their sexual partner enhances their enjoyment. There's also this lovely little hormone called oxytocin that gets released when we orgasm (both men and women) that makes us feel closer to our partner. While not everyone experiences a sense of intimacy with their sexual partner, it's still an act that makes us vulnerable to one another regardless. Seriously, how many people do you allow to see you naked? How many people know what it takes to make you hot under the collar? Exactly. Inevitably, one of you will catch feelings for the other and the nookie is no longer guilt-free, especially when/if those feelings are not reciprocated.

Regardless, many people try (and fail) to have this kind of relationship because they believe that what befalls others won't happen to them. So they go into blindly, without having any pre-established rules. And even though rules are meant to be broken and usually are in this situation, it's good to at least start off with a few. So here are some rules to consider in having a FWB:

1. Time limits. The FWB should be viewed a temporary arrangement, not a permanent situation. The longer you're "together", the harder it will be to avoid developing any feelings. I say 2 months, max.

2. Mutual understanding and agreement. Both of you should agree to boundaries. Is this a monogamous sexual relationship? Are you open about dating other people? Do you tell the other if you met someone special?

3. Protection. This goes without saying.

4. Quality time. Are you only spending time together to have sex? Do you still hang out like before you started having sex?

5. Affection. Are you affectionate outside of the bedroom?

6. Termination. Will you try to return to being friends after it ends?

7. Discretion. Is it common knowledge that the two of you hook up or is it a clandestine kind of thing? If you have mutual friends, will you tell them?

Most importantly, be honest with yourself; is this the kind of relationship you really want or is it something you're settling for? Do you really like this person and you're willing to accept whatever it is they offer in hopes they'll magically fall in love with you? (FYI, that generally only happens in the movies). Regardless of your answer, please go into this situation well-informed and with your eyes wide open. While you are constructing a fantasy in your head about how they'll fall madly in love with you, they might be sleeping with you because the person they really like is making them wait until the 5th date.

So if you insist on moving forward on this type of relationship, be forewarned: there is a high possibility that it will bite you in the booty - and not in the way you like.

Circle, Bird, I'll Tell You When to Land

 "You got me hanging on a string now. I'm not a plaything.

Ah, the great Stringer Alonger (SA). I've briefly mentioned them before, but I think it's time to dedicate a whole conversation to this phenom. To refresh your memory, the SA is someone who may act like your boyfriend/girlfriend, but cannot make an actual commitment. It may walk like a duck and talk like a duck, but they call it a kangaroo and get indignorant (indignant about ignorant sh*t) when you insist upon acting like it's a motherf*cking duck!

Sorry, having a flashback.

If you've ever dated anyone, you've probably experienced some lightweight stringing along. I may be selling out my gender, but I know as women, we are very good at ducking (or kangarooing) and dodging any direct answers when it comes to someone we're not really feeling. Speaking for myself, it comes from a place of empathy; it sucks being rejected and even though we're talking about another adult, I know that my rejection will be incredibly debilitating and may send them into a tailspin of depair. (No illusions of grandeur going on here.) Henceforth, therewith, I have been guilty of doing a little stringing along. However, to be a true SA requires a lot more time, energy and an intimate knowledge of relationship buzzwords and terms of endearment.

Within this category, there are 2 sub-categories: intentional and unintentional Stringer Alongers. There are some people who intentionally string along others because they derive some kind of gain. Whether it is money, sex, or a simple ego boost, these folks are cognizant of what they are doing. The unintentional SA is a little different; they truly care/love/appreciate you and expend time and energy on your relationship. Well, kind of. Sometimes. Mostly when it's convenient for them. But nonetheless, they do really cherish who you are as a human being (and that's exactly what they'll tell you).

How do you know if you're dealing with a real Stringer Alonger? Here are 5 signs:

1. They hint at the possibility of the consideration of thinking about maybe having some kind of committed relationship someday in the nearly distant future that is not right now.

2. They often withhold something crucial such as time, affection, and/or sex.
3. They do and say things that keep you hooked in (i.e terms of endearment, spending some quality time, talking about future plans, engaging in intimate behavior).

4. They do/say things that remind you that you don't actually have a commitment.

5. They insinuate that there are certain things about you that make you almost the right candidate to be their baby boo...that's what's really standing in the way.

In some ways, it's worse dealing with the unintentional SA because you know their feelings for you are genuine (in their mind). The underlying issues with tthem are indecisiveness and fear. They are fearful they will make the wrong decision; even though they know you are amazingly fantastic and would be a fool to let you go, they still aren't sure if you're the most amazingly fantastic person who is completely right for them. So instead, they keep you right where they like you - limbo. Heaven forbid they make a real commitment!

"I've waited oh so long, for you to come to me.

What did I do wrong? It's all a mystery to me."



As the Strung Out, it's easy to paint the picture that we victims. Maybe...at first. However, there comes a time when we realize that this is not going to become what we had envisioned. No holding hands in the sunset, no romantic dinners on Cinco De Mayo, no celebrating the anniversary of the first time you talked on the phone, none of that. When you meet someone with whom you think all of this is going to happen, it's very difficult to accept and let go when you realize that it's not...especially when they are engaging in behavior that makes it seem like it still might could. So you hold on, hoping to show them how right you are for them. Clearly, they can't see the obvious - you are meant to be together.

When you tell yourself this story, you are actually colluding with the Stringer Alonger. This may sound counter-intuitive, but you are equally indecisive. Maybe you've invested too much time and energy into the relationship to let go. Or you're afraid of being alone or that you'll never meet anyone better. Whatever the reason, you aren't going anywhere. However, deep down, you know things won't change; if they wanted to commit to you, they would. Although it feels like the SA has all the power, it's not true; you can leave anytime you want. You just choose not to. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you can acknowledge that's exactly what you're doing. Ultimately, you're responsible for your own happiness. Just remember, if it walks like a pseudo-relationship and talks like a pseudo-relationship, it's not a kangaroo.

Love in the Time of Facebook

 

 

It's the first date. You're having a good time; witty banter, interesting conversation, there's a little flirting going on. Subconsciously, both of you know that this is the interviewing process, but it's been good. No one has asked about the 5 year plan or the disaster known as your relationship history. It's light, it's easy, just how a first date should be. As the date is wrapping up, right before the should-we-kiss dance begins, your date slips in that last question, the one you were hoping to avoid: Are you on Facebook? The question in itself isn't a bad one; even those without a Facebook account know what Facebook is. However, that one question often leads to another, more problematic issue - the Facebook friend request.

Awkward.

Social media is everywhere. It's associated with laundry detergent, cars, shoes, Pringles...almost everything and everyone at the very least has a Facebook page. There's Google +, Pinterest, Myspace, Friendster and a plethora of other sites; although some are more popular than others, they are all forums for people to express themselves and connect with others. It's been responsible for reunions, reconnections, social action, hook-ups, events, and disseminating information. On the surface, this seems great. But there can be a darker side, of break-ups and de-friending, cyber-bullying and cyber-stalking and people displaying their creative sides...with an interesting interpretation of how English works. This begs the question: Should you be Facebook friends with someone you're dating?

I vote no. Actually, an emphatic hell no.

We all know that when you're dating someone new, you are presenting your best self, your representative. (Hopefully, your rep isn't too far a stretch from who you really are, but you still don't let all your crazy show at one time.) On Facebook, many of us do let it all hang out (although some of us need to put it away); we talk explicitly about what we think, how we feel, what we like, what we're doing right now at this very moment today here in this place where we are...we put a lot of information out there. Some of that information might just be a little too much for a new boo. Without any actual knowledge of who you are, it can lead to a lot of misinterpretation and misunderstanding. Or maybe it's an accurate interpretation and understanding they should have...after getting to know you waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better.

Facebook minefields include status updates, photo albums, other people's photo albums, notes, posted articles, pages you like, your friends, getting tagged, tagging others...is that just about everything on Facebook? Basically, anything you post is up for grabs and even the friends you love and adore (do you really know all 732 friends?) can shine a light on things that may need to be discussed...eventually, like on the 17th date or something.

Here's an example of how something so benign can go so wrong:
      
             Status update: I'm having a crunchy pancakes in the dark kind of day.
             Slick Nasty and 17 other friends like this.
             Comments:
             "I'm having a soggy Captain Crunch kind of day."
             "Aw, that's too bad. Mine is more of a Jumbaco kind of day."
             "I got some old Spaghetti-O's going on over here."
             "Well, this is the kind of day I'm having, so I win."
             

Of course, you're being creatively silly and your friends know this about you. Not only do they know, they understand and respond in kind. But your new friend may be scratching their head at several things:

1. What are crunchy pancakes? Does that mean they can't cook basic things? Are they talking about me?
2. Why would they eat them in the dark? Maybe they can't pay their electric bill. Maybe they're expecting me to start supporting them financially. I am not a sugar mama/daddy! Are they talking about me?
3. What grown up eats Spaghetti-O's? They don't even taste good. Maybe their friends all have kids. Maybe they have a kid they haven't told me about yet. I'm not ready to be a step-parent. Are they talking about me?
4. Who are these friends they are associating with? Why is one of them named Slick Nasty? Are they talking about me?
5. Who doesn't know that you have to eat Captain Crunch really quickly or else they will get soggy and disgusting. Not to mention greasy. You can't even drink the leftover milk when that happens. Are they talking about me?
6. Are they talking about me?

See where the mind can go when left to its own devices? It's the devil's workshop, y'all.

It also takes away the opportunity of getting to know each other organically. If you looked at my pictures, you could determine that I like to travel and have been to many places. So now there's no need to ask because you already "know". You can learn where I got my degrees, where I work, who I know, that I believe that a glass wine solves everything and where I've lived without even having a conversation (at the bar) with me. By the time our 2nd date rolls around, there's nothing to talk about except maybe some clarification about crunchy pancakes. (Were you talking about me?) 

Does this mean that you can never be online friends with your boo? No, of course not. There are plenty of couples who are Facebook friends and it's fine; I believe that it is a function of how your relationship works. If your relationship is strong, healthy and the lines of communication are open, there shouldn't be any problems that arise, at least not from some comment made on your status update. However, it doesn't seem to enhance your relationship in any way either, especially in comparison to the amount of detriment that can come from being on Facebook or any other social media site.

While it can be interesting (and very tempting) to see your new friend minus the representative, so much context and background information is missing that you're still not getting a full picture. So be patient; part of the fun of dating someone is the getting to know them process. And when they finally tell you the story about crunchy pancakes in the dark, you'll get it.