After the Love is Gone...

Getting over a break-up...everything I need to know has already been discussed at the bar: It’s Nicole’s birthday, so naturally she will be at a real bar conversing and of course, drinking. Dutiful friend that I am, I volunteered to guest post on her blog, so she could enjoy the celebrating the day  on which she was birthed. Lucky friend that I am, I get to talk to Nicole whenever I want, which means that I don’t have to wait until each Friday to get her insightful and helpful life wisdom. Herein lies the rub: if I go to her for normal-healthy person talk, then what the hell am I going to write about on her how to be a normal-healthy person blog? Sweet patient friend that she is, she told me to just write about whatever I was going through. So I did that, and in doing so I realized that conversing at the bar for the past year has taught me much more that I thought. Wrote a blog about it, like ta hear i, hear it go...........

Okay, so it is over. No, for real this time. Their toothbrush went in the wastebasket. You have untagged yourself in Facebook photos and your status has changed. You got a new attitude. You’ve signed up for Zumba and/or have ordered P90X to get back down to your bantam weight. You have changed their name in your phone to “NO,” and you are now ready to converse at the bar.

Yes y’all, that is the sound of one door closing and another one opening...into singledom. Now for those of you who not only advocate, but are capable of the clean break (up), God love you. You probably  Elizabeth Kubler-Ross-ed your way through a healthy grieving process and are currently conversing at the bar where everyone knows your name. Gold Star. For others, ending things can be a bit messier and complicated. In my case, after breaking up, I spent an additional year languishing in the ambiguous purgatory of not being able to let go, commonly known as staying friends. It’s great at first; you get all of the perks of being in a relationship without any of the responsibility. You know it can’t last forever, but there is still goodwill and fondness there and truth be told, it's a helluva lot better than being alone. But then the smallest thing sends you into a PTSD flashback and you slam head first into the realization that your differences are, in fact, irreconcilable. It's at that moment that you realize that it is over like cross-colors and you don’t give a rat’s ass who is going to bathe the dog. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to stage 5. It’s time to move on.

Nature abhors a vacuum and that is precisely what is left at the end of a relationship. You share secrets, laughs, cries, dreams, inside jokes, and sexytimes with someone and then they just aren’t there anymore. Nature don’t like that. So it goes all honey badger on your ass and starts stirring up stuff for you to fill that space with, like lots and lots of feelings. My ex isn’t a bad dude. Once upon a time, he was everything I needed and wanted. And just because someone doesn’t love you the way you need doesn’t mean they don’t love you the best they can. In the end, he just ended up not being the man for me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t righteously miss him sometimes. No point in denying it. Denial didn’t work for me the first eleventy times I tried it, so I might as well go ahead and put on my big girl panties and suit up for a game of dealing with my feelings, which means being honest about them but also means not making more of them than what they are. So I don’t. I just feel my feelings, send him light, love, and well-wishes and keep it pushing...except for those times when I’m re-angry and I want a second chance at saying what I should said that time he did that thing, didn’t do that thing, said that mess, shoulda said what he didn’t...blah blah blah. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve gotten some crazy looks having argument mulligans with him by myself in the car. The lesson there: People need to mind their own G.D. business when I’m trying to work my stuff out in the car. That and we broke up. All that disappointment, all those misunderstandings, all those arguments lead us exactly to where we are supposed to be which is where we are which is NOT TOGETHER.  Point is: ruminating is bad whether it is angry, sad, or wistful. It keeps you trapped in the same emotional space and going in circles like an ever rolling wheel without a destination real. Or an ever spinning top whirling around til you drop. See, we already heard that song. Where the remote at?

So now I’m single, forilla. Now what? Well funny you should ask because I’ve been asking myself the same doggone thing and the answer I keep coming back to is that it is time to mingle! Yes, my friends. I have to get back in the saddle and start dating. This is not something to which I am looking forward. You have to cut a swath through the jungle of young whipper-snappers, old cat-daddies, posers, losers, insufferable asses, and the irrevocably damaged. Then when you finally reach the pool of acceptable candidates, you have to actually date. What’s your favorite food? What do you do for fun? Have you ever been to Vegas? Where’d you go to school? Would you ever have a threesome? Do you like the Olive Garden? I mean seriously, you’ll find yourself 2 feet up a bull's ass with that sh!*%. Plus, you gotta get the stepladder out the closet so you can reach up on the high shelf where you think you put the box that had your game in it. Now you have to smile, flirt, be nice and friendly, chat folks up, laugh at dumb-ass jokes, and explain why he can’t have your number even though he bought you a drink. Good God, just thinking about it is making me want to revisit being friends. If anything, I know I’m in for many a conversation that will begin with, “Gurrrrrrrrrrllllllllll.” The lesson here: To put myself out there without agenda and with the singular intention of just being open to the experience. If I’m not trying to catch anything in particular then I won’t be mad when I have to throw something back. And if I can successfully do that, then hopefully I’ll end up with an experience more valuable than just gentleman’s company; I will have moved on. I will have started a new chapter that is yet unwritten.

Now fast forward like Mr. Wizard did when he and the awkward kid in the glasses and topsiders would set up the experiment and then he would send the kid “away” and they would cut to “much later” when the kid came back but really it was only long enough for them to switch out the old experiment for the one where the baking soda had already done its thing. Ok? So yeah, play like its Mr. Wizard.

I went on a date. Now in all fairness, I didn’t expect that to happen so soon. I fully expected to have to pay my back-on-the market-dues by having to wade through my share of jherri curls, cheesy pick up lines, and gold teeth. But, in the spirit of being open, I gave someone a chance that I otherwise wouldn’t have, and hadn’t the four other times he tried to get to know me in twice as many years. Guess what! I had a great time. And now we’ve gone out 1.5 more times and I’ve learned a few more things:

1) I am not ready for a relationship. Relationships are work and my relationship muscles are fatigued. Commitment is so much more than exclusivity and I don’t have the energy for it. Which brings me to....

2) I actually, honestly, no joke, don’t have an agenda, for the first time, like, ever. I am completely liberated from feeling invested in any specific outcome. Fancy that! Maybe we’ll fizzle, maybe we’ll end up friends, maybe there is something there, who knows.

3) I’d like to get to know this guy...very slowly. I’m curious to know who he is, and so far I’ve enjoyed finding out. And MOST importantly...

4) I still got it :)

See Nicole, when you talk in my good ear, I actually be listening to your healthy-normal-person-therapy talk. Happy Birthday Girl!

I'm Not Calling Her A Liar...

but Maya Angelou ain't telling the whole truth.

I'm not saying that it doesn't have an ounce of truth to it. It might actually have several ounces. But it's not all the way true. Think about it: we all know it's better to not text and drive, but how many of us still do it? (Does it count if you wait until you get to a red light or stop sign?) Here's what it should really say:

"When you know better, you want to do better. But sometimes you don't choose that and then you feel bad because Beverly already done told you what was better and you're still not doing it."

That feels a bit more accurate, albeit a tad bit wordy.

We all find ourselves in situations on a regular basis in which we know better but don't do better. There seems to be a disconnect between what we know intellectually and how we experience it emotionally. Although most of us would like to think we're rational and intelligent people who can assess a situation and act logically, we often make decisions based on our emotions, wants, needs and circumstances...even the menfolk. Knowledge is power, but many of us "forget" (conveniently) what we know and do it anyway, whatever "it" is.

"It" can be many things, from the seemingly benign (i.e. I know better than to eat 4 mini-Snickers) to more significant situations (i.e. I know better than to sleep with my ex). While we have the necessary information to make a rational and logical choice, we sometimes ignore what we know because it goes against what we want or think we need (I do need Snickers!). Sometimes it also means we're not ready to make changes to our behavior when it comes to some of the situations that require us to make important decisions. For example, eating 4 mini-Snickers may be a small act on its own, but if it's 4 mini-Snickers and you're diabetic, it can have serious consequences.

So why would someone who knows their actions may have real consequences still go through with the action?

Because obviously they're stupid. Just kidding. Change is difficult and people don't change overnight. There are 5 stages to change; many of us stay in the first three stages. Here they are:

1. The Precontemplation Stage - we have not yet acknowledged that there is a problem behavior that needs to be changed.
2. The Contemplation Stage - we acknowledge there is a problem but we are not yet ready or sure we want to make a change.
3. The Preparation/Determination Stage - we're getting ready to change.
4. The Action/Willpower Stage - we're actually changing the behavior.
5. The Maintenance or Relapse Stage - we're either maintaining the new behavior or returning to old behaviors and abandoning the changes we've made.

This model is most often applied to cycle of addiction and recovery, but it works for just about any change in our lives. Here are some common issues that we all struggle with when it comes to making changes:

1. Healthy eating/exercising/weight management
2. Overall health
3. Career
4. Relationships
5. Alcohol/drugs
6. Money

Within all those categories, there are sub-categories and the list can go on and on.

Here's a personal example: Like most people I know, I have struggled with my weight for years. I've done various diets and started (and stopped) going to the gym, only to at some point stop. Part of it was due to thinking I'm a sexy beast regardless of my weight, but I also struggled with a combination of being exercise averse, loving dessert and anything covered with cheese. However, I realized as I got older, it would get harder to lose weight and with several health issues that run through my family, I could easily become a candidate for medication of some sort. So I made a decision to change my diet and exercise routine and for the last 5 years, exercising and some semblance of healthy eating have become a lifestyle. Do I backslide sometimes? Fa sho. There are days I don't want to exercise or eat salad; I want to watch TV while eating junk food. So I do. Just not all the time. I know better than that.

And who can really stop at 4 mini-Snickers anyway?

Can You Hear Me Now? Good.

Recently, a friend (AS) posted a quotation on Facebook:

"The most difficult thing for people to do is hear their own soul." - NDW.

I don't know who NDW is, but they are onto something. Some people may struggle with what exactly constitutes a soul, so for all intents and purposes (intensive purses), I'll just interpret the meaning as being your inner voice, your gut or your instinct with a spiritual twist. For those with a more religious background, it could also refer to God, the Creator or whatever you believe. I digress...

As I look around at the people in my life, many of us are going through huge transitions in our lives. Although life is about constant change, it seems that there are various points in our lives where the changes are monumental. While getting a new job or a different haircut can seem huge (and liberating), I'm speaking to the life-altering events, like changing job industries or having a baby or moving out of the country. Yet how many of us actually embrace those changes? Better yet, how many of us actually listen to our souls when we need to make those changes?

Me neither.

While we may NEED to make those changes, it is frickin' difficult! Little baby changes like redecorating our living space or taking on new responsibilities at our job can quiet what we're trying not to hear, but that only works for so long. So what do we do? We often keep making the little changes in hopes they'll add up to a big enough change that is less uncomfortable - and more importantly, less painful. And boy, does it work.

But does it really?

It depends on what kind of life you choose to live. Many people live an unconscious life, going through the motions and doing everything they should do. They studied engineering in school, so they become an engineer - even though their passion is dance or law. They've been with their partner for eleventy years so now it's time for them to get married - even though they can't stand the way their partner breathes. They buy a house because the market is good and it's (supposedly) better than renting - even though they can't really afford it or hate what they can afford. We ignore our inner voice because what it's telling us sometimes conflicts with what our friends and family (and stankin' ass Beverly) deems appropriate. And if we're people-pleasers, there's no way we want to disappoint them.

How much does that suck? Alotta bit.

See, what happens when we try to shut that loud-ass, f*^king annoying voice up is that it starts showing up in other places and causing trouble. We may start to feel depressed and/or anxious. We may start isolating ourselves because it feels like it's our loved ones who make it feel like change is impossible (or wrong or selfish). Maybe we start breaking out, suffering from insomnia, getting headaches and migraines or some other seemingly random health issue. The one thing that may stand out the most is that no matter how much we tell ourselves that our lives our great and we have everything we should want, we are hardly satisfied and cannot find peace.

Fortunately, there are also a lot of people who do listen to their souls and execute the changes necessary to follow their dreams. They disregard the naysayers and convention and do what feels true to their hearts. While they may struggle at times and question that voice, they know deep down they are doing what was meant for them. We can all think of a bunch of famous people who have done that, but I bet there are people in your circle who have done it too. Maybe it's you who has done it.

Maybe it's me who has done it...finally.

For over the past year, my spiritsoulGodinnervoiceguts have been telling me that I need to go to Paris. I don't particularly know why, but it's been a very loud and obnoxious voice (with a very heavy French accent) that I've been ignoring. I created many reasons for why I couldn't go - no money, not enough time off, I've been there before, I don't want to go alone, blah, blah, blah. But I couldn't tune it out, no matter how hard I tried. I got very still and quiet and just listened. I stopped asking why and asked why not and I bought that plane ticket to Paris. I'm excited and a little bit anxious - it feels like this may be something significant. I could be wrong, but regardless, I'm getting on that plane and for right now, that voice is a little quieter...well, at least on this topic!