Best Friends or Best Frenemies?

We have all kinds of relationships in the course of our lives, some of which will (hopefully) last for a lifetime. As we become older, our romantic relationships become our primary relationship and often supersede other relationships, particularly as they become more serious. This is considered appropriate in our society and the natural progression of things when we get married or have a domestic partnership. However, with the extremely high divorce rate and people waiting longer before getting married, it's becoming more and more important to retain and nurture those non-romantic relationships. I've noticed that many of us work so hard on our romantic relationships, that we forget to apply (reply) our relationship skills to our friendships.

Friendships come in all different shapes and forms. I have some friends that I talk to and spend time with on a regular basis, while others are maintained through emails, phone calls, Facebook, texting and yearly visits. I am very fortunate to have an awesome group of girlfriends, with whom I feel very close and can share just about everything. Part of what makes them awesome is the unconditional acceptance, love and support. The other part is that they are equally invested in maintaining our relationship, despite some of the obstacles of time and location.

I've learned through personal experience, but also through my work, that friendship is essential to maintaining some kind of sanity. Some people, like me, are very fortunate to have a pretty big group of friends. But you really just need one or two really good friends who you trust and can rely on for love and support. I noticed many of my former clients did not have anyone they considered a true friend. I believe there is a connection between some of their symptoms, especially depression, and the absence of a friend they could trust. Of course there were a multitude of other issues that contributed greatly to their mental health issues, but I think not having a support system in place factored in greatly.

About 3 years ago, I was going through a painful breakup, the kind where you curl up in the fetal position on the floor and do the ugly kind of crying. One of my best friends flew across the country for about 24 hours just to be there for me.  I will never forget that and will love her forever for doing that. I can't imagine my life without the wonderful friendships I have and I strive to be the best friend I can be to them.

Now it's great to maintain good friendships – some of my closest friends I've known for over 20 years. However, there are some friendships where it may be appropriate to adjust how we interact with this person or just end them because they are not healthy. If you believe you're in that kind of situation, here are 5 questions you may want to ask yourself:

1. Do I enjoy this person's company?
2. Can I trust this person with my secrets?
3. When I share things about myself, do I feel like I'm being judged?
4. Is this person happy for me when things are going well and encouraging when they are not?
5. Are they reliable? Will they be there for me when I need them?

If you answered no to any of these questions doesn't necessarily mean it's time to erase numbers from your cell phone. You may value some things more than others. For example, several years ago, I told a friend that I was feeling a little melancholy. Their response was for me to get over it. (By the way, that's not the best response if someone is saying they're feeling depressed!) It wasn't enough of a big deal to end the friendship, I just adjusted what I was going to share with them in the future. However, there are other friendships that I haven't pursued or invested in much because the person is not reliable. Reliability is a big deal to me, but it may not be to you.

It's also important to check in with yourself to make sure you're being a good friend as well. Are you reliable? Unconditionally accepting? Are you good at keeping secrets? Are you supportive and encouraging? Do you participate in your friends' lives? Friendship is a two-way street and eventually, one may become resentful if they are doing all the work. If you are a good friend and have a good friend (or several good friends), congratulations! Keep up the good work!