Are you the jerk in the relationship?

Earlier this week, I wrote about the 9 best ways to sabotage a relationship. “Nicole,” you may be thinking, “How can I make sure that I'm not the jerk in my relationship(s)?” Most of these suggestions are applicable to all relationships, whether it be with a co-worker, friend, parent or partner. There is one that applies primarily to romantic relationships but just in case it's not obvious, I'll put an asterisk* next to it...some of us may have different kinds of friends!

The 6 Cs of keeping your relationship(s) healthy and happy:

1.  Communication – this is HUGE in maintaining all relationships. Many of us believe that it's up to our loved ones to read our minds and be able to decipher our words – both the stated and unstated. While it's wonderful to feel like someone truly understands us and can figure out what we want without saying it, it's almost impossible to find someone who can do that all the time about everything. If something bothers us, it's important to speak up and let the other person know. It's also important to keep in mind how we communicate. If we communicate in a way that is accusatory, self-righteous or judgmental, often the message gets lost in the delivery. There's a huge difference between “It bothers me when you drink the last of the wine and don't replace it,” and “You're such a selfish bastard! You always drink all the wine and never buy any to replace it.” 

2.  Conscientious listening – actually, listening (yeah, I took some creative license with this one) is a part of communicating, but we often forget to do it, so it gets its own space. When we truly listen to each other, there is a lot of information we can gather, whether it's being communicated to us directly or indirectly. For example, I once dated someone who stated that their ex never dressed femininely. Although they were not telling me specifically to look more girlie, I got the message...and I wore a lot of dresses.

3.  Compromise – I know it's hard to believe, but it's not all about us. Being in a relationship involves another person and we sometimes have to do things we don't want or like for the good of the relationship. For example, your boss may like for your expense report to be done by first the Monday of the month, even though it doesn't need to go to accounting until the 10^th. Your natural tendency is to procrastinate, but because you want to continue to have a positive relationship with your boss, you make sure to get it in the first Monday – even if it means working on it at home on the Sunday night before. A little bit of compromise goes a long way and it feels good to bring the people in our lives a little bit of happiness; it's often the little things that mean the most. 

4.  Consideration – when we feel hurt or angry, it's very easy to believe that our loved one has engaged in the offending behavior intentionally. Unless the behavior is blatantly egregious (ie. sleeping with your partner, stealing money, spreading lies about you, etc.), the majority of the time, our loved one may not be aware that their behavior was so offensive to us. If this is someone we love, shouldn't we give them the benefit of the doubt? If it's something we've communicated many times and they continue to do it, then maybe our anger and hurt is well deserved. However, if this is a first-time offense, let's cut them some slack. What if the shoe was on the other foot? I'd want to be given the benefit of the doubt.

5.  Compliments – it's so easy to take for granted that the people in our lives know how awesome we think they are.  Why not remind them every now and again? A random "You're so beautiful/smart/handsome/sexy," can make someone's day (depending on the relationship of course - don't tell your boss you think they're sexy!). Or you can focus on something more unique such as "You have great forearms" or "You do such a great Gary Coleman impression." We all respond positively to praise and it feels just as good to give a compliment as it does to receive one. It's also a terrific way to motivate people to continue to do the things you like. 

6.  *Copulation – sex, nookie, getting some, love-making, doing it, whatever you want to call it. Some of you might hate me for saying this, but for most people, sex is incredibly important in a romantic relationship, whether you're gay, straight, left, right, round or square. We all have an idea of what is an acceptable amount of sex and there might be a bit of compromise between us and our partner(s). However, sex or lack thereof, can be a good indicator that something may not be quite right in our relationship. Yes, there is an ebb and flow to the amount depending on varying circumstances but if it seems like there's more ebb than usual, it may be time to check in with our partner. They just might not be turned on by us clipping our toenails in the bed. Who knew?!

I hope these suggestions are helpful, especially if you're trying to prevent your relationship(s) from expiring. But if you're really working toward getting de-friended on Facebook, avoid these suggestions at all costs and I'm sure your endeavor will be successful. :)

Sabotage, Anyone?

All relationships are hard work, whether it be familial, friend, work or romantic relationships. Some are incredibly rewarding and fulfilling, while others feel like eating glass would be a better alternative than continuing. Unfortunately, some relationships are difficult to escape – you can stop talking to one another, but your mother will always be your mother. As I often tell my clients, we cannot control the behavior of others, we can only control our own. While it does take two to make a relationship work, there are things we can do to guarantee that things will get progressively worse.

Here are the 9 best practices to put an expiration date on a relationship:

1. Emotionally shutting down/withholding – this could mean many things, including withholding sex, affection, love, attention, commitment, time. There are times in our lives when we just don't have the energy to give what our loved ones need. However, there is a huge difference between distraction or fatigue and punishment. If we are shutting down and withholding because we're upset about something, no one wins. It breeds frustation and resentment and no one will get their needs met.
2. Ultimatums – one of the best things about becoming an adult is that we can do whatever we want (at least in theory). When we try to force someone to do what we want them to, it often backfires; what grown person wants to be told what to do? You aren't the boss of me!
3. Silent treatment– there are other, more effective ways to communicate our dislike or hurt about someone's behavior, including opening our mouths and sharing them. It can easily turn into a competition of who will break first and the original issue may become burried and remain unaddressed.
4. Jealousy/insecurity – these are both valid and common emotions, but become extremely problematic when they lead to wild accusations and undeserved mistrust. Eventually, the unfair accusations may lead to the very behavior we feel jealous or insecure about.
5. Bullying/putting down – in any kind of relationship, it is not okay to hit, push, punch, slap, etc. anyone else. Emotional and verbal abuse is not okay either. This includes name-calling, screaming, using aggressive/threatening language, or making someone feel bad about who they are. If you are the victim of any kind of abuse, whether it be physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse, please get help.
6. Negativity – sometimes it's easy for us to overlook; who doesn't have a bad day sometimes? However, some people revel in negativity and constantly focus on everything that's going wrong, all the time. Beware, as it is quite infectious.
7. Lying – whether it be outright lying or lying by omission, this can lead to mistrust, especially if we are caught. This doesn't mean that we have to share everything with everyone all the time, but lying can often bite us in the butt. On the flip side, I do my best not to ask questions I may not want the answer to.
8. Double standards – it comes back to the old adage, “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” I once had a partner tell me what applies to me doesn't apply to them, that basically I couldn't hold them to the same standards to which I was being held. That relationship did not work out too well. It is important to hold ourselves to the same expectations we have for our loved ones.
9. Being judgmental – we are our own worse critics and do not need anyone else making judgments about our feelings, thoughts, and actions and communicating them without being asked.

Now, no one is perfect. At some time or the other, we've all engaged (or still do) in some of these behaviors. We've also been at the receiving end of some of these behaviors and can understand the feelings they evoke. One of the best things we can do is to keep the lines of communication open in our relationships to help prevent these behaviors from rearing their ugly heads. That means talking about it when it comes up and also being open to hearing about it from someone else. We can only begin to work on issues when we're aware that they exist.

Best Friends or Best Frenemies?

We have all kinds of relationships in the course of our lives, some of which will (hopefully) last for a lifetime. As we become older, our romantic relationships become our primary relationship and often supersede other relationships, particularly as they become more serious. This is considered appropriate in our society and the natural progression of things when we get married or have a domestic partnership. However, with the extremely high divorce rate and people waiting longer before getting married, it's becoming more and more important to retain and nurture those non-romantic relationships. I've noticed that many of us work so hard on our romantic relationships, that we forget to apply (reply) our relationship skills to our friendships.

Friendships come in all different shapes and forms. I have some friends that I talk to and spend time with on a regular basis, while others are maintained through emails, phone calls, Facebook, texting and yearly visits. I am very fortunate to have an awesome group of girlfriends, with whom I feel very close and can share just about everything. Part of what makes them awesome is the unconditional acceptance, love and support. The other part is that they are equally invested in maintaining our relationship, despite some of the obstacles of time and location.

I've learned through personal experience, but also through my work, that friendship is essential to maintaining some kind of sanity. Some people, like me, are very fortunate to have a pretty big group of friends. But you really just need one or two really good friends who you trust and can rely on for love and support. I noticed many of my former clients did not have anyone they considered a true friend. I believe there is a connection between some of their symptoms, especially depression, and the absence of a friend they could trust. Of course there were a multitude of other issues that contributed greatly to their mental health issues, but I think not having a support system in place factored in greatly.

About 3 years ago, I was going through a painful breakup, the kind where you curl up in the fetal position on the floor and do the ugly kind of crying. One of my best friends flew across the country for about 24 hours just to be there for me.  I will never forget that and will love her forever for doing that. I can't imagine my life without the wonderful friendships I have and I strive to be the best friend I can be to them.

Now it's great to maintain good friendships – some of my closest friends I've known for over 20 years. However, there are some friendships where it may be appropriate to adjust how we interact with this person or just end them because they are not healthy. If you believe you're in that kind of situation, here are 5 questions you may want to ask yourself:

1. Do I enjoy this person's company?
2. Can I trust this person with my secrets?
3. When I share things about myself, do I feel like I'm being judged?
4. Is this person happy for me when things are going well and encouraging when they are not?
5. Are they reliable? Will they be there for me when I need them?

If you answered no to any of these questions doesn't necessarily mean it's time to erase numbers from your cell phone. You may value some things more than others. For example, several years ago, I told a friend that I was feeling a little melancholy. Their response was for me to get over it. (By the way, that's not the best response if someone is saying they're feeling depressed!) It wasn't enough of a big deal to end the friendship, I just adjusted what I was going to share with them in the future. However, there are other friendships that I haven't pursued or invested in much because the person is not reliable. Reliability is a big deal to me, but it may not be to you.

It's also important to check in with yourself to make sure you're being a good friend as well. Are you reliable? Unconditionally accepting? Are you good at keeping secrets? Are you supportive and encouraging? Do you participate in your friends' lives? Friendship is a two-way street and eventually, one may become resentful if they are doing all the work. If you are a good friend and have a good friend (or several good friends), congratulations! Keep up the good work!

Are you crazy?!

In light of the recent tragedy in Arizona, I thought it would be helpful to highlight some of the more commonly known mental health diagnoses. I noticed that people in the media are very cavalier about calling the shooter, Jared Loughner, “crazy”. Although many of us use this term lightly (I sometimes prefer to shorten it to “cray-cray”), there are a lot of people out there that have some form of a mental illness. Some people can manage their symptoms with medication and/or psychotherapy (it's highly recommended for those taking psychotropic medication to use it in conjunction with psychotherapy), while others need more in-depth treatment such as hospitalization or institutionalization as well as medication and therapy.

The DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) provides diagnostic codes that encompass mental health diagnoses, personality disorders, intellectual functioning, environmental factors and global funtioning. I'm just going to focus on the better-known diagnoses, as there are a great number of misconceptions about them. For example, I had a client who told me they must be bi-polar because sometimes they're happy and fine and other times they're angry and sad. After going through a checklist of symptoms, it turns out they were just moody.

The following descriptions were pulled from the WebMD website:

Anxiety Disorders

http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/default.htm

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: (GAD) is characterized by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry. People with symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school. In people with GAD, the worry often is unrealistic or out of proportion for the situation. Daily life becomes a constant state of worry, fear, and dread. Eventually, the anxiety so dominates the person's thinking that it interferes with daily functioning, including work, school, social activities, and relationships.

Panic Disorder: a serious condition that strikes without reason or warning. Symptoms of panic disorder include sudden attacks of fear and nervousness, as well as physical symptoms such as sweating and a racing heart. During a panic attack, the fear response is out of proportion for the situation, which often is not threatening. Over time, a person with panic disorder develops a constant fear of having another panic attack, which can affect daily functioning and general quality of life.

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder: (PTSD) once called shell shock or battle fatigue syndrome, is a serious condition that can develop after a person has experienced or witnessed a traumatic or terrifying event in which serious physical harm occurred or was threatened. PTSD is a lasting consequence of traumatic ordeals that cause intense fear, helplessness, or horror, such as a sexual or physical assault, the unexpected death of a loved one, an accident, war, or natural disaster. Families of victims can also develop post-traumatic stress disorder, as can emergency personnel and rescue workers. Most people who experience a traumatic event will have reactions that may include shock, anger, nervousness, fear, and even guilt. These reactions are common; and for most people, they go away over time. For a person with PTSD, however, these feelings continue and even increase, becoming so strong that they keep the person from living a normal life. People with PTSD have symptoms for longer than one month and cannot function as well as before the event occurred.

Mood Disorders

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mood-disorders

http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/default.htm

http://www.webmd.com/depression/default.htm

Bipolar I: (pronounced "bipolar one" and also known as manic-depressive disorder or manic depression) A person affected by bipolar I disorder has had at least one manic episode in his or her life. A manic episode is a period of abnormally elevated mood, accompanied by abnormal behavior that disrupts life. Most people with bipolar I disorder also suffer from episodes of depression. Often, there is a pattern of cycling between mania and depression. This is where the term "manic depression" comes from. In between episodes of mania and depression, many people with bipolar I disorder can live normal lives.

Bipolar II: similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high and low over time.

However, in bipolar II disorder, the "up" moods never reach full-on mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania. A person affected by bipolar II disorder has had at least one hypomanic episode in life. Most people with bipolar II disorder also suffer from episodes of depression. This is where the term "manic depression" comes from. In between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with bipolar II disorder live normal lives.

Bipolar disorder is a serious mental illness that is characterized by extreme changes in mood, from mania to depression. It can lead to risky behavior, damaged relationships and careers, and even suicidal tendencies if it's not treated.

The primary symptoms of bipolar disorder are dramatic and unpredictable mood swings. The illness has two (bi) strongly contrasting phases (polar).

1) bipolar mania or hypo-mania

• euphoria or irritability
• excessive talk; racing thoughts
• inflated self-esteem
• unusual energy; less need for sleep
• impulsiveness, a reckless pursuit of gratification (shopping sprees, impetuous travel, more and sometimes promiscuous sex, high-risk business investments, fast driving)
  

2) bipolar depression/major depression

• depressed mood and low self-esteem
• low energy levels and apathy
• sadness, loneliness, helplessness, guilt
• slow speech, fatigue, and poor coordination
• insomnia or oversleeping
• suicidal thoughts and feelings
• poor concentration
• lack of interest or pleasure in usual activities
  

Depression: Most people have felt sad or depressed at times. Feeling depressed can be a normal reaction to loss, life's struggles, or an injured self-esteem. But when feelings of intense sadness -- including feeling helpless, hopeless, and worthless -- last for days to weeks and keep you from functioning normally, your depression may be something more than sadness. It may very well be clinical depression -- a treatable medical condition.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, people with depressive illnesses do not all experience the same symptoms. How severe they are, how frequent, and how long they last will vary. It depends on the individual and his or her particular illness. Here are common symptoms people with depression experience:

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• fatigue and decreased energy
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• insomnia, early morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• irritability, restlessness
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• no pleasure left in life any more
• overeating or appetite loss
• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
  

Schizophrenia 
http://www.webmd.com/schizophrenia/default.htm

Schizophrenia is a serious brain disorder that distorts the way a person thinks, acts, expresses emotions, perceives reality, and relates to others. People with schizophrenia -- the most chronic and disabling of the major mental illnesses -- often have problems functioning in society, at work, at school, and in relationships. Schizophrenia can leave its sufferer frightened and withdrawn. It is a life-long disease that cannot be cured, but usually can be controlled with proper treatment.

Contrary to popular belief, schizophrenia is not a split personality. Schizophrenia is a psychosis, a type of mental illness in which a person cannot tell what is real from what is imagined. At times, people with psychotic disorders lose touch with reality. The world may seem like a jumble of confusing thoughts, images, and sounds. The behavior of people with schizophrenia may be very strange and even shocking. A sudden change in personality and behavior, which occurs when people lose touch with reality, is called a psychotic episode.

Schizophrenia varies in severity from person to person. Some people have only one psychotic episode while others have many episodes during a lifetime but lead relatively normal lives between episodes. Schizophrenia symptoms seem to worsen and improve in cycles known as relapses and remissions.

Personality Disorders

http://www.webmd.com/search/search_results/default.aspx?query=personality%20disorders&sourceType=undefined

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/borderline-personality-disorder-topic-overview

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/narcissistic-personality-disorder

There are 10 personality disorders listed in the DSM-IV. However, I'm just going to focus on the two that are referenced most frequently.

Borderline Personality Disorder: a mental illness that causes intense mood swings, impulsive behaviors, and severe problems with relationships and self-worth. People with this disorder often have other problems such as depression, eating disorders, or substance abuse. Most of the time, signs of the disorder first appear in childhood. But problems often don't start until early adulthood. Treatment can be very hard, and getting better can take years. This is because problems with emotions and behaviors are hard to improve. But treatment may work better than experts used to think. Most people with severe symptoms get better over time.



Narcissistic Personality Disorder: one of a group of conditions called dramatic personality disorders. People with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions and a distorted self-image. Narcissistic personality disorder is further characterized by an abnormal love of self, an exaggerated sense of superiority and importance, and a preoccupation with success and power. However, these attitudes and behaviors do not reflect true self-confidence. Instead, the attitudes conceal a deep sense of insecurity and a fragile self-esteem.

Clearly, I personally do not know anything about Jared Loughner other than what has been reported by the media but it appears that he is a deeply disturbed young man. However, his actions do not represent the actions of all people with a mental illness, even those who need institutionalization. Many people are able to function within society and manage their symptoms and do not act out in violent and aggressive ways.

I know this seems like a lot of information, but this is just the tip of the iceberg! There are many things I left out so if you would like more information, please click on the links included on this page. You can also contact a mental health professional or your doctor if you have any further questions or are concerned about your own or a loved one's mental health.

The Lost Art of Conversation

Remember that time cell phones were used for talking? Yeah, I know, it's kind of a hazy memory, but remember? Remember how we picked up the phone, dialed a number and talked to the person on the other end? Remember? What happened?

Email, instant messaging and text messaging.

These forms of communication have become the way that many of us communicate with one another. It is having a profound impact on how we form, build and maintain relationships. I think in some ways, it's great to be able to shoot someone a quick message that you're on your way or that you'll call them back later.  However, I also believe that many people, particularly the younger generations, are using these methods in such a way that they are losing the art of conversation (not to mention the ability to spell) and the skills to form deep and connective relationships with others.

It seems like the more technologically advanced our communication is becoming, the less capable we are in actually communicating with each other. How many of us have been hanging out with a friend, only to have them constantly texting or IMing other people? How often do we pull out our phones to check if someone has emailed, texted or IMed us since we last checked 2 minutes ago? One time, I was out with a friend and observed two women having lunch together, but one was on the phone with someone else. I felt sorry for the woman not on the phone because really, she was eating alone. (The phone conversation was kind of a juicy though!)

The blessing (and the curse) of text messaging, email and IMing is that there is a certain layer of protection and anonymity. It's much easier to be vulnerable to someone over text than it is in person; if you tell them you love them, you don't have to see their facial expression (which hopefully would be alight with happiness and joy) or truly deal with how they react. However, if they don't respond right away, it can easily reinforce the insecurity you had about saying it to them in the first place. For example:

text1: I just wanted to say I love you.

(No response for over an hour)

text1: Uh hello? I just told you I love you.

(Still no response for another hour)

text1: I mean, you're really cool and all, I just sometimes tell people that I love them, but I

mean, not in a love love kind of way.

text2: Sorry, my phone died and I just got these texts. I'm confused. What?!

Even in this example, you get the gist of what I'm saying, but what about the tone? How do either of these texters feel? Who knows? (Okay, I do, but that's because I wrote it.)

There are always exceptions to the rule, but in most relationships, it's so much better to actually talk to the person. If there is a misunderstanding, it can be explained. If there are emotions involved, they can be clearly conveyed (unless the person is emotionally challenged, which is whole 'nother blog), especially when talking face to face. It's also a bit of a cop-out when you deal with more serious relationship issues without an actual conversation. (IT'S NEVER APPROPRIATE TO BREAK UP OVER EMAIL, INSTANT MESSAGING, OR TEXT!) Plus, our understanding of what's being typed is greatly influenced by our mood and our own perspective of the situation.

It's not to say that I haven't been guilty of doing some of these things. However, I try to really be present when I'm with other people and try to forewarn them if I have to respond to message or phone call in their presence. I also try to avoid incorporating text messaging in a new relationship, platonic or otherwise. There's nothing better than having a long conversation with a new friend. That's really one of the best ways to get to know someone. So the next time you pick up your phone, please keep this in mind: txt msging is 4 punx! ;)

Don't Be Scurred!

It's the beginning of a new year - the perfect time to eat better, sleep better, end old relationships and begin new ones.  Yet, by the end of February, all those new members at the gym will be gone, with their resolutions melted on the bottom of the ice cream container that mysteriously appeared in their freezer.  What is it that makes it so difficult for us to stick to our resolutions? It's not the lack of desire to change...right?

I think many of us (myself included) operate under fear - fear of change, fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of (fill in the blank).  How many of us have stayed at jobs that make us contemplate eye-gouging and hair-pulling? Or in relationships in which having a root canal would be more pleasurable than sex with your partner?  Fear is a cold-blooded beast that often motivates us to do absolutely nothing. We convince ourselves that “it” isn't so bad and take huge steps to avoid looking at how it negatively affects our physical, emotional and mental health. Usually it isn't until we are forced to make changes that we get over our fear; we didn't jump into the deep end of the pool, we were pushed. It feels a lot worse when we do not exercise our power to decide to change at our own pace.  It seems easier to learn to swim than to have to avoid sinking.

It's a new year - time to make a fresh start and more importantly, sustain those changes. I'm opening my own private psychotherapy practice and it is scary as hell. However, I don't want to work for anyone else and I'm tired of being fearful of failure. I'm facing it head on and doing the damn thing. I challenge you to do the same. What's going to be different for you in 2011?