New Year's Resolution: No New Year's Resolutions!

Well, 2011 is about to be over. For some, it may have been a great year, but there are plenty of others who are excited to say "F*ck off 2011, and kiss my a$$ while you're at it!" Although I'm a firm believer that you can change your life at any time, there's something so appealing about starting fresh at the beginning of a new year. We're ready to shed some old habits and pick up new, healthier ones, especially since we're older and(allegedly) wiser. This is the time to get our lives together for reals because it's a new year.

Hahahahahahaha.

Sorry if my laughter seems a little cynical; I'm not trying to crush anyone's dreams of getting in shape/volunteering/learning a new language/traveling more/watching less television/closing their FB account. Here's the thing about resolutions - they can be kind of a set up for failure. We're so gung-ho about starting/quitting something at the beginning of a new year, we often forget to assess whether we're truly ready to do it. Think about it - how many of your resolutions have been the same for the last several years? Are you still trying to quit smoking? Cut back on eating out? Spend more time with family and friends? Resolutions signify a change and we all know changing ain't easy (and apparently, neither is pimping).

So my resolution for this New Year's Eve - no resolutions! Yeah, I'm kind of a rebel.

I encourage you to do the same; kick back and just enjoy your New Year's Eve! Instead, take a look back on 2011 and reflect on what was awesome about it and what made it awful. Take the time to really think about what goals are realistic for you and your life (winning the lottery is NOT a realistic goal). Most importantly, figure out if you're actually invested in achieving those goals; if losing 20lbs has been on your list of New Year's resolutions for the last 7 years, maybe you're not ready to do it. If there are changes you want to make in your life, do it when it's the right time for you, whether it be January 1st or March 27th. Otherwise, come February, you'll be lamenting the $29.95 per month gym membership you signed up for and used approximately 3 times since you got it. (I understand, the gym is so crowded in January, how can anyone work out in that madness?! Mmhmm.)

I wish everyone a fun and safe New Year's Eve. Party like a rock star! (But a responsible one, not one who trashes hotel rooms and bites the heads off chickens.)

Deck the Halls, Not Your Mom

With the Chrislamakwanzaakah season in full throttle, we are inundated by holiday songs and invitations to be merry with our co-workers, family and friends. Our offices have wreaths on their door and the army of Santas have been dispatched to malls everywhere for kids to come sit in their laps and tell them what they want for Christmas. There are trees to decorate, candy canes to eat and presents to wrap, all the while maintaining a demeanor of holiday cheer.

T'is the season to be jolly...allegedly.

But for many, the holiday season represents more pain than pleasure. While some of us are out there enjoying our figgy pudding and sneaking kisses under the mistletoe, there are an equal number of people who have decided that this time of year is better spent with the shades drawn and their heads buried under the covers until January 2nd. Bah humbug and a merry f*#k you.

There are many factors that contribute to the holiday blues*. For a lot of people, it stems from childhood and how the holidays were (or were not) celebrated. We can talk a good game about how the holidays are about being with family and friends, blah, blah, blah, but when you're a kid, it's all about the presents. If you grew up in a family with limited resources, this time of year is a bright, shining reminder of what you didn't (or still don't) have. If your childhood in general was a morass of suckitude, the heightened atmosphere of familial connectedness can easily take you into depressed mode as you remember all that sucked, particularly around this time of year. Here are some other possibilities:

1. You don't like your family and all the fakery and pretending is very stressful.
2. Santa-phobia.
3. You hate shopping for presents.
4. You're far away from your family and can't afford to get home.
5. You have to work on all the days everyone has off.
6. Holidays = cold as hell outside.
7. You don't believe in the commercialization of the holidays but feel forced to buy presents for people you don't even half like and it's your hard money that you're begging "the man" to give you just so you can give it back to "the man" for people you don't even like.
8. All your favorite shows are interrupted by holiday specials and old Christmas cartoons.
9. Grandma got run over by a reindeer.

So what should one do to overcome the holiday blues? 2 words - spiked eggnog. Just kidding (but only because I don't like eggnog, I prefer mulled wine).

It's okay to be in a holiday funk, especially if your life (and finances) are currently in a disarray. But there are a few things that make the holiday season at least a little bit bearable:

1. All the sales!
2. Your favorite mochachocolattacino now comes in peppermint and eggnog flavor.
3. Seeing your boss hammered at the office holiday party.
4. No work for at least a day or two (or more if you're super lucky).
5. Spending time with your friends (aka your family of choice).
6. Mulled wine. (No, seriously, it's really good.)
7. Skiing.
8. Ugly holiday sweater party.
9. All the desserts people bring to work.
10. The gym is virtually empty because people want to make their New Year's weight-loss resolution really worth it.
11. Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo.


See, there is happiness to be found in the holiday season! You just may have to look a little harder to find it. I mean seriously, who can resist the charms of Mr. Hanky?!

Anyway, if you do find yourself to be in a bah humbug mood this season, I strongly encourage you to stay away from malls, reindeer and little people that wear pointy shoes and help Santa make toys.

Happy holidays!




*If you find that your holiday funk starts to bleed into the new year, you may be experiencing something more serious and you should talk about with your health provider or therapist.

Wherever You Go, There You Are

I'm sure that quotation was stated by someone very important long ago, but I remember it from the Brady Bunch movie (yes, I saw it, don't judge me). To briefly recap for those of you who allegedly haven't seen it: Mr. Brady often gave fatherly advice that made no sense and left the kids perplexed. This was one of the statements he made and it made me laugh because it was so...duh. However, the more you think about it, it's really quite true - wherever you go, there you are. Essentially, you can never escape yourself.

It's pure genius. (Not evil genius, just regular old genius genius.)

Many of us spend our whole lives trying to do just that. Not necessarily in a conscious and literal "I'm trying to escape myself" kind of way, but more in a "If I could just (fill in the blank), I would be a better person" kind of way. But really, you're still going to be the same person, regardless (disirregardless) of what that thing is. So even if you win the lottery or lose weight or get a better job or have a baby, you're still going to be you. You'll just be a richer, skinnier, better-employed parent version of yourself.

Is that a bad thing? No, not at all. Unless of course, you don't like who you are. Oh wait - is that why you're trying to escape yourself? Then there might be a problem. Fixing what's damaged on the inside cannot come from the outside. Often, what we're seeking is external validation that we're okay. However, it won't ever be enough because the only person whose acceptance you really need is your own. (Kind of sounds like one of those 80s PSAs that are trying to discourage teens from succumbing to peer pressure. Whatever. Honey badger don't care.)

I know I made it sound hella easy and simple. "Just accept yourself and everything will be o-kay." Ha! If it was that easy, who would need therapy? A lot of that self-love and self-acceptance mumbo-jumbo actually starts externally, when we are babies. Our parents are the ones who are supposed to lay down that foundation. Unfortunately, there are lots of parents out there that didn't get the memo and didn't do it. So now as adults, we have to do it for ourselves.

How does one do that? Here is a step-by-step guide on how to accept yourself:

1. Figure out your strengths.
2. Figure out your flaws.
3. Decide if your flaws are all that bad.
4. Surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally.
5. Accept yourself.

See? That's not so bad, right?

Okay, okay, my "guide" wasn't really that helpful, I know. (I accept that about myself, that I didn't write a helpful guide about accepting oneself.) Although you really do have to dig deep within yourself to learn self-acceptance, there are some external factors that can be quite helpful in that journey. Step 4 is very crucial - having a community in which you belong or a support network of friends and/or family is important. If we feel low about ourselves, it can be difficult to identify and acknowledge our strengths and positive characteristics. so sometimes we need outside forces to remind us about what makes us great.

The downside to this self-acceptance journey? It takes time. If you are someone who experienced some kind of trauma during your formative years (i.e. abuse, neglect, abandonment), it can be challenging to undo all those years of negative self-talk; at a certain point it becomes automatic. I encourage you to seek help, whether it be with a therapist or some kind of support group. If you are not happy with who you are, no matter what things you add to your life, nothing will fix that but you. It may take a while, but it's worth it because wherever you go, there you are. 

You May Be Right, But Totally Wrong

As people, there are a multitude of things we all do all the time. Besides the obvious autonomic human functions, we eat, we sleep, we talk, we laugh, we brush our teeth...the list goes on and on. Although we do have choices in whether we do these things or not (I'm sure someone has an example of a small Amazonian culture that does not believe in bathing of any kind), most of us do them on autopilot. However, there is one thing on this list that we don't like to admit we do, despite doing it all the time.

I'll give you a hint: we do it everyday. We make big ones, we make small ones. Sometimes it can cause a mess, make a stink.

Hmmm, what could it be?

Okay, I'll tell you.

Judgments.

What did you think I was talking about? Dropping the kids off at the pool? Nah, I know plenty of people who are quite proud of that accomplishment.

Most people would like to believe that they are above judging people. But the truth is, we make judgments about people all the time, every day. We judge what they're wearing, we judge how they act, we judge what they look like. We make judgments about how much money they make or their sexuality. We're constantly judging and more often than not, comparing ourselves. “I would never let myself get that fat,” we think. “I'm always on time, why is s/he always late?”. “That's not how someone should dress if they're trying to look professional, not like a professional.” So on and so forth.

If we're all doing it, why are we so reticent in admitting to it? It's not wrong to make judgments; it's how we learn from others' experiences. The problem lies in what we do with those judgments, namely how we treat others based on how we've interpreted the information. Especially if we're talking about our friends.

How many of us have watched a friend do something totally stupid (in our “humble” opinions)? Or get involved in a situation that had red flags so big you could see them from space? According to my unscientific, self-created statistics, that's basically 99.99999% of the human population. Okay, everyone put your hands down. Now...how many of you saw your friend differently once they were engaged in this stupidity? Okay, a few less people have their hand raised. Lastly, how many of you treated your friends differently? Mmhmm. And what's your friendship like now? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that it has irrevocably changed....but I'll make no judgment about if it was for the better or the worse.

Our job as a  friend is to try to protect our friends from imminent danger, whether it be from a Miami drug cartel (uh, who are you hanging out with?), a crazy Nigerian pyramid scheme or from a broken heart. The operative word is try. We cannot live their lives, nor can we think that we know what's best for them. Although we may feel we can see the whole forest for the trees, we only have the perspective of the outsider. We have no idea what it's like on the inside of the forest; there may be little wood nymphs that make flower wreaths and give amazing foot massages. All we see is a dark, impenetrable and possibly scary-ass forest where we assume lions and tiger and bears live. Although it may seem like we know what's right, we have no idea because we're not in the situation, whatever it may. But I'll bet money that we have been...it's just different because it's our experience, right? #youcandishitbutcanttakeit.

[SIDEBAR] Is it just me, or does it seem like the most judgmental (and quite vocal) people tend to also be the most tight-lipped and sneakative (sneaky + secretive, NW)...ahem, I mean private people? They can talk all day long about what you've got going on, but when it comes to their own skeleton-riddled forest, they are suspiciously quiet.

Anyway...

As being both the judge and the judged, our relationships can be seriously altered when we don't feel like we can trust our friends with all the details. One of the major joys of friendship is feeling unconditionally loved and accepted, regardless of how dirty, stupid, irresponsible and trifling we can be at times. Our friends are not our family – we get to choose them. Even if we disagree with what they are doing, it's also a part of our job to support them anyway (with individually determined boundaries of course) and pick them up when they've fallen down...without the I-told-you-sos preferably. Okay, you can think it, just don't say it out loud.

“The hardest thing to accept is that your friend is an adult and will make decisions that you disagree with. The best thing you can do is love them and be there for them if it doesn't work out, just like you knew it wouldn't.”  The best advice given to me by my mother.

En Vacances!

A couple weeks ago, I mentioned that I have planner tendencies but I've been accused many times (usually by the same person) of being a full-fledged planner. While I maintain that it's all relative, there is one thing I'm most excellent at planning: vacations. I have it down to a science that involves algorithms, spreadsheets and the time/space continuum. Oh, and a smidgen of imagination, creativity and if at all possible, a passport.

I'm not telling you this because I won't be writing my blog this week (clearly), I'm telling you this because it's very important for everyone to go on vacation. Time is flying folks and where have you been? On your couch? No bueno, c'est mal! (It sounds more interesting in foreign languages.) It's easy to pooh pooh the idea of going somewhere because it costs too much money, it's a pain in the ass to get folks together, the flights are too long, you have kids in school, blah, blah, blah. Those are all sorry excuses because vacations don't necessarily have to be expensive...especially if you plan it right. Even the 99% need to go somewhere.

As a nation of workaholics, it's unfortunate that we don't get the amount of vacation that we deserve and actually really need. Most of us get a pathetic two weeks every year; it's even worse when it's combined with our sick time. Two weeks is barely the amount of time necessary to truly relax and decompress from the stresses of work. When we are stressed out, we are more prone to illness, fatigue, mental health issues and weight gain (booty-do). So as one friend succinctly said once, "Get on a f*cking plane and go somewhere!"

Here's how you plan a vacation:

1. Decide what kind of vacation you want to have. Do you like doing nothing on the beach? (Um, hell yeah!) Are you into museums and architecture? Do you prefer a specific kind of climate?
2. When do want to go? For how long?
3. How much vacation/PTO do you have available currently? How much will you have by the time you intend to go?
4. Who do you want to travel with?
5. Once you've figured out all of that stuff, do some research on places to stay, local culture, money, etc.
6. Buy the ticket.
7. Get on a f*cking plane, train or automobile. (Yes, I know you're supposed to get in an automobile, hush.)
8. Do not check work email. Do not check work voicemail. Do not call work. Don't even let them know where you're going.
9. Relax.

It seems like a long list and items 1-4 can be quite difficult to figure out, particularly item #4, your travel buddy. As an avid traveler, I've learned that not all friends are meant to travel together; relationships have been damaged, sometimes irreparably, after folks go on vacation together. My preference is to travel with someone, but it can be a real pain in the ass trying to coordinate everyone's vacation time and money. I just plan a trip and hope that someone can join me. If they can, great, if they can't, I'm still going. Don't be afraid to travel alone; sometimes the most interesting and fortuitous experiences happen because you're by yourself. Plus, you get to do whatever you want. You want to spend all day shopping? Do it. You want to lay on the beach, reading and drinking a pina colada? Great idea. You want to go rock climbing? Excellent. Just be smart and aware of your environment, especially if you're a woman traveling solo, and you'll be fine.

Any ideas yet on where you're going?

Even if you're doing something more local within driving distance, the same vacation principles apply. The point is that you are taking a break from the humdrum/chaos of your daily life. I believe it's best done far, far away, but not everyone has enough PTO or money to do that. However, you can take a vacation; there are plenty of low budget options and if you think about it, maybe you turn that shoe money into vacation money. Believe it or not, it's highly unlikely that your office will implode without you there. Actually, if you don't take a break, it can increase the likelihood that things will fall apart because your ass is exhausted and burned out. I'm pretty sure you don't get a bonus for having a heart attack due to stress.

Alas, I am practicing what I preach. While your eating your lunch at your desk, I'll be on my way to converse at another bar in another country. Don't hate...observate, notate, imitate and vacate!

Liquor May Be Quicker But Wine is Devine

My love affair with red wine began on an overcast day in San Francisco about 2 years ago. A girlfriend was in town and she introduced me to a pinot noir that forever changed my "ew gross" opinion about red wine. Unless it's a hot day or the only thing being offered, I have all but abandoned white wine. The melange (that's the fancy French way of saying blend) of blackberry and strawberry, with notes of vanilla and a smokey oak...ha ha ha, who am I kidding? I like the way it tastes on my tongue.

Most importantly, it makes me feel all warm on my insides. There's a reason it's called happy hour...a nice little buzz to take the edge off the long work day.

Many of us consider some form of alcohol to be part of the major food groups. Can your grilled mahi mahi really be that good without a chardonnay? Can you eat buffalo wings without a (hopefully shared) pitcher of beer? Tacos without a margarita? A juicy steak without a vodka tonic or glass of red wine? Of course not! Obviously, food and alcohol go together like peanut butter and jelly.  I'm still waiting for Shelly Obama to put that on the chart. (We're friends, it's okay for me to call her Shelly.)

It's also a great socializing tool. Alcohol can make everyone seem a little bit funnier, smarter, cuter, skinnier, taller, whatever-er...until it doesn't. That's when one crosses over into drunken hot-mess territory. We are no longer funny or cute, we're just loud and obnoxious and sometimes sweaty because puking our guts out is exhausting. Oh please, you know we've all been there at some point. For some of us, it may have even been last night. Nothing wrong with that, although getting hammered on a school night is generally not a good idea.

Let me clarify. Nothing wrong with that...on occasion. If being a drunken hot-mess is a recurring status update, alcohol may not be your friend after all. Until recently, I had this crazy idea that alcoholism was a problem for old people, particularly men. However, I'm beginning to see that some of my peers, both men and women, are straddling the fine line between alcohol abuse and dependence. Now that we're no longer in the "I'm in my twenties, therefore I do a lot of dumb shit" phase, we can't hide behind the intrinsic stupidity of youth. As we move through our (very, incredibly early) thirties, is it still appropriate to begin all of our stories with "I got so wasted this weekend..."? Hmmm.

So when does alcohol transition from being a tasty treat to being a liver problem in the making? That's part of the problem; it's often an issue that you may not realize you have until you happen to be reading a blog. A blog that you really like because it takes place in a BAR!!!! OH MY GOD!!!

In all seriousness, how do you know if you or a loved one has a problem? Here's the diagnostic criteria for both alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence:

Alcohol abuse:
Abuse of alcohol or a substance (such as cocaine, nicotine, marijuana, etc.) is generally characterized by a maladaptive pattern of alcohol or substance use leading to significant impairment or distress, as manifested by 1 or more of the following, occurring within a one year period:

• Recurrent substance use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home (e.g., repeated absences or poor work performance related to substance use; substance-related absences, suspensions, or expulsions from school; neglect of children or household)
  
• Recurrent alcohol or substance use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (e.g., driving an automobile or operating a machine when impaired by substance use)
  
• Recurrent alcohol or substance-related legal problems (e.g., arrests for alcohol or substance-related disorderly conduct)
  
• Continued alcohol or substance use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of alcohol or substance use (e.g., arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication, physical fights) 

Alcohol Dependence:
Dependence upon alcohol or a specific substance (such as cocaine, nicotine, marijuana, etc.) is characterized by a maladaptive pattern of alcohol or substance use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by 3 or more of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

1. Tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
   
   • A need for markedly increased amounts of the alcohol or substance to achieve intoxication or desired effect
     
   • Markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of the alcohol or substance
2. Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:
   
   • 2 or more of the following, developing within several hours to a few days of reduction in heavy or prolonged alcohol or substance use:
     • Sweating or rapid pulse
     • Increased hand tremor
     • Insomnia
     • Nausea or vomiting
     • Physical agitation
     • Anxiety
     • Transient visual, tactile, or auditory hallucinations or illusions
     • Grand mal seizures
   • The same substance (or another substance) or alcohol is taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms
3. The substance or alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended
   
4. There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control use of alcohol or the substance
   
5. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol or the substance (e.g., visiting multiple doctors or driving long distances), using alcohol or a substance (e.g., chain-smoking), or recovering from its effects
   
6. Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of the continued alcohol or substance use
   
7. The substance or alcohol use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance (e.g., current cocaine use despite recognition of cocaine-induced depression, or continued drinking despite recognition that an ulcer was made worse by alcohol consumption) 

(These definitions were taken from http://psychcentral.com/disorders/.) 

Because it is socially acceptable and legal to drink, it's easy for us to dismiss or minimize the consequences of our behavior. Unfortunately, there can be some serious short and long-term effects of alcohol overuse. Oops, how did that fetus get into my uterus? Who's this chick in my bed? How did I get home last night? Who is stomping around in my brain so loudly? Why is there lion in the bathroom? Is this pee in my bed? Mmhmmm, we all know what I'm talking about. And those are just the short-term issues!

Don't worry, I'm not on the path of becoming a teetotaler...my blog is called Conversations at the Bar after all. I'm just suggesting that when we enjoy our wine/whiskey/beer, we enjoy it responsibly. Being drunk is not sexy and it's no fun for friends who have to babysit. Besides, those hangovers are nothing nice these days - pizza at 5am (like I can even stay up that late anymore) to soak it up doesn't cut it like it used to!




*If you feel like you or someone you know needs help with a substance abuse issue, please click on this link to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website to help figure out where to get help in your area.


*I'd also like to give a shout out to Sharkqwando (pronounced Sha-kwan-doe, the r is silent) Light for the picture idea.

The Planner Vs. The Flow-er

 

VS.

It's Wednesday night and there's relief on the horizon - the weekend! You call text your fairly new baby boo:

You: Hey you, how are you?
Them: I'm good, just relaxing.
You: Yeah, it's been a long day. I just wanted to see if you wanted to do something this weekend.
Them: Oh, I don't know, I have some things in the mix.
You: Oh, okay, what are you going to be doing?
Them: You know, maybe hanging with friends, might catch a movie, get something to eat. Things like that.
You: Well, let's make plans to hang out this weekend, I want to see you.
Them: Yeah, I'll check in with you and see what you're up to.
You: Okay.

In your text, you say okay. In real life, you are highly irritated. Since it's still in the pre-DTR phase, it feels a little uncomfortable to get irate; you can't show your crazy all at once. This can easily lead us down the "If they were interested in me, they would make plans with me" path, which is definitely a possibility not to be ignored. However, there is the possibility of something else - they just might not be someone who likes to plan. You may end up spending the whole weekend with them for all you know.

As someone who has a lot of planner tendencies, this drives me crazy bananas.

One of the most difficult aspects in navigating relationships are our differences. While it definitely makes life more interesting, it can also cause a lot of stress and frustration when the differences are diametrically opposed. Can a teetotaler be with a wine enthusiast? Can a neat-freak live with a hoarder? Sure; if both people are invested, they can make it work. It just takes A LOT of patience and compromise on both ends.

When it comes to the planner and the flow-er, there are other underlying factors that contribute to the differences between the two. For example, a planner tends to be punctual while a flow-er tends to run a bit behind schedule. A planner is often very organized - the spice rack is alphabetized and their underwear is neatly folded and grouped together by color. Meanwhile, a flow-er is still looking for that left shoe that might be in their closet - or is it in the trunk of the car? - in 2009. While this may be seemingly benign, there are many folks out there who don't understand one another for these exact reasons. (Seriously, why would you only have one shoe, possibly in the trunk of your car? Where the f*ck could the other shoe have gone? Aren't they a pair?!)

Luckily, with some love and patience, each one can learn from the other. While a planner's way of life may seem a little easier to follow since it's so well organized, sometimes they* can be rigid and have a difficult time relaxing. They get so caught up in their itinerary and having to be somewhere by a specific time to do a specific thing, they miss the double rainbows in life. With a flow-er, their easy-going approach to time can lead to spontaneous adventures that no one can ever really plan. However, there is also a downside. Sometimes we miss out on opportunities because we didn't act in a timely manner. Or we end up spending more money because of late fees. Or we lose important things in the clutter and disorganization.

So how do the planners and flow-ers navigate their differences? Obviously, they plan to navigate things in a timely and orderly fashion. Just kidding. There is a way to meet in the middle. Maybe the flow-er give the planner a time and a place to meet and the planner lets go of their list of things to do. Maybe the planner lets the flow-er know the importance of an event so they'll be on time, but punctuality won't be important for every event. Regardless of the solution, the most important part is that both people are willing to work towards finding one that works and is respectful of the differences. Over time, that flow-er may keep both shoes in their closet (at the same time even) while the planner may allow their paprika to sit next to the cinnamon on the spice rack.


*I said I have planner tendencies. You should see the trunk of my car (although every shoe that's in there has its match and a reason)!

After the Love is Gone...

Getting over a break-up...everything I need to know has already been discussed at the bar: It’s Nicole’s birthday, so naturally she will be at a real bar conversing and of course, drinking. Dutiful friend that I am, I volunteered to guest post on her blog, so she could enjoy the celebrating the day  on which she was birthed. Lucky friend that I am, I get to talk to Nicole whenever I want, which means that I don’t have to wait until each Friday to get her insightful and helpful life wisdom. Herein lies the rub: if I go to her for normal-healthy person talk, then what the hell am I going to write about on her how to be a normal-healthy person blog? Sweet patient friend that she is, she told me to just write about whatever I was going through. So I did that, and in doing so I realized that conversing at the bar for the past year has taught me much more that I thought. Wrote a blog about it, like ta hear i, hear it go...........

Okay, so it is over. No, for real this time. Their toothbrush went in the wastebasket. You have untagged yourself in Facebook photos and your status has changed. You got a new attitude. You’ve signed up for Zumba and/or have ordered P90X to get back down to your bantam weight. You have changed their name in your phone to “NO,” and you are now ready to converse at the bar.

Yes y’all, that is the sound of one door closing and another one opening...into singledom. Now for those of you who not only advocate, but are capable of the clean break (up), God love you. You probably  Elizabeth Kubler-Ross-ed your way through a healthy grieving process and are currently conversing at the bar where everyone knows your name. Gold Star. For others, ending things can be a bit messier and complicated. In my case, after breaking up, I spent an additional year languishing in the ambiguous purgatory of not being able to let go, commonly known as staying friends. It’s great at first; you get all of the perks of being in a relationship without any of the responsibility. You know it can’t last forever, but there is still goodwill and fondness there and truth be told, it's a helluva lot better than being alone. But then the smallest thing sends you into a PTSD flashback and you slam head first into the realization that your differences are, in fact, irreconcilable. It's at that moment that you realize that it is over like cross-colors and you don’t give a rat’s ass who is going to bathe the dog. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to stage 5. It’s time to move on.

Nature abhors a vacuum and that is precisely what is left at the end of a relationship. You share secrets, laughs, cries, dreams, inside jokes, and sexytimes with someone and then they just aren’t there anymore. Nature don’t like that. So it goes all honey badger on your ass and starts stirring up stuff for you to fill that space with, like lots and lots of feelings. My ex isn’t a bad dude. Once upon a time, he was everything I needed and wanted. And just because someone doesn’t love you the way you need doesn’t mean they don’t love you the best they can. In the end, he just ended up not being the man for me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t righteously miss him sometimes. No point in denying it. Denial didn’t work for me the first eleventy times I tried it, so I might as well go ahead and put on my big girl panties and suit up for a game of dealing with my feelings, which means being honest about them but also means not making more of them than what they are. So I don’t. I just feel my feelings, send him light, love, and well-wishes and keep it pushing...except for those times when I’m re-angry and I want a second chance at saying what I should said that time he did that thing, didn’t do that thing, said that mess, shoulda said what he didn’t...blah blah blah. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve gotten some crazy looks having argument mulligans with him by myself in the car. The lesson there: People need to mind their own G.D. business when I’m trying to work my stuff out in the car. That and we broke up. All that disappointment, all those misunderstandings, all those arguments lead us exactly to where we are supposed to be which is where we are which is NOT TOGETHER.  Point is: ruminating is bad whether it is angry, sad, or wistful. It keeps you trapped in the same emotional space and going in circles like an ever rolling wheel without a destination real. Or an ever spinning top whirling around til you drop. See, we already heard that song. Where the remote at?

So now I’m single, forilla. Now what? Well funny you should ask because I’ve been asking myself the same doggone thing and the answer I keep coming back to is that it is time to mingle! Yes, my friends. I have to get back in the saddle and start dating. This is not something to which I am looking forward. You have to cut a swath through the jungle of young whipper-snappers, old cat-daddies, posers, losers, insufferable asses, and the irrevocably damaged. Then when you finally reach the pool of acceptable candidates, you have to actually date. What’s your favorite food? What do you do for fun? Have you ever been to Vegas? Where’d you go to school? Would you ever have a threesome? Do you like the Olive Garden? I mean seriously, you’ll find yourself 2 feet up a bull's ass with that sh!*%. Plus, you gotta get the stepladder out the closet so you can reach up on the high shelf where you think you put the box that had your game in it. Now you have to smile, flirt, be nice and friendly, chat folks up, laugh at dumb-ass jokes, and explain why he can’t have your number even though he bought you a drink. Good God, just thinking about it is making me want to revisit being friends. If anything, I know I’m in for many a conversation that will begin with, “Gurrrrrrrrrrllllllllll.” The lesson here: To put myself out there without agenda and with the singular intention of just being open to the experience. If I’m not trying to catch anything in particular then I won’t be mad when I have to throw something back. And if I can successfully do that, then hopefully I’ll end up with an experience more valuable than just gentleman’s company; I will have moved on. I will have started a new chapter that is yet unwritten.

Now fast forward like Mr. Wizard did when he and the awkward kid in the glasses and topsiders would set up the experiment and then he would send the kid “away” and they would cut to “much later” when the kid came back but really it was only long enough for them to switch out the old experiment for the one where the baking soda had already done its thing. Ok? So yeah, play like its Mr. Wizard.

I went on a date. Now in all fairness, I didn’t expect that to happen so soon. I fully expected to have to pay my back-on-the market-dues by having to wade through my share of jherri curls, cheesy pick up lines, and gold teeth. But, in the spirit of being open, I gave someone a chance that I otherwise wouldn’t have, and hadn’t the four other times he tried to get to know me in twice as many years. Guess what! I had a great time. And now we’ve gone out 1.5 more times and I’ve learned a few more things:

1) I am not ready for a relationship. Relationships are work and my relationship muscles are fatigued. Commitment is so much more than exclusivity and I don’t have the energy for it. Which brings me to....

2) I actually, honestly, no joke, don’t have an agenda, for the first time, like, ever. I am completely liberated from feeling invested in any specific outcome. Fancy that! Maybe we’ll fizzle, maybe we’ll end up friends, maybe there is something there, who knows.

3) I’d like to get to know this guy...very slowly. I’m curious to know who he is, and so far I’ve enjoyed finding out. And MOST importantly...

4) I still got it :)

See Nicole, when you talk in my good ear, I actually be listening to your healthy-normal-person-therapy talk. Happy Birthday Girl!

I'm Not Calling Her A Liar...

but Maya Angelou ain't telling the whole truth.

I'm not saying that it doesn't have an ounce of truth to it. It might actually have several ounces. But it's not all the way true. Think about it: we all know it's better to not text and drive, but how many of us still do it? (Does it count if you wait until you get to a red light or stop sign?) Here's what it should really say:

"When you know better, you want to do better. But sometimes you don't choose that and then you feel bad because Beverly already done told you what was better and you're still not doing it."

That feels a bit more accurate, albeit a tad bit wordy.

We all find ourselves in situations on a regular basis in which we know better but don't do better. There seems to be a disconnect between what we know intellectually and how we experience it emotionally. Although most of us would like to think we're rational and intelligent people who can assess a situation and act logically, we often make decisions based on our emotions, wants, needs and circumstances...even the menfolk. Knowledge is power, but many of us "forget" (conveniently) what we know and do it anyway, whatever "it" is.

"It" can be many things, from the seemingly benign (i.e. I know better than to eat 4 mini-Snickers) to more significant situations (i.e. I know better than to sleep with my ex). While we have the necessary information to make a rational and logical choice, we sometimes ignore what we know because it goes against what we want or think we need (I do need Snickers!). Sometimes it also means we're not ready to make changes to our behavior when it comes to some of the situations that require us to make important decisions. For example, eating 4 mini-Snickers may be a small act on its own, but if it's 4 mini-Snickers and you're diabetic, it can have serious consequences.

So why would someone who knows their actions may have real consequences still go through with the action?

Because obviously they're stupid. Just kidding. Change is difficult and people don't change overnight. There are 5 stages to change; many of us stay in the first three stages. Here they are:

1. The Precontemplation Stage - we have not yet acknowledged that there is a problem behavior that needs to be changed.
2. The Contemplation Stage - we acknowledge there is a problem but we are not yet ready or sure we want to make a change.
3. The Preparation/Determination Stage - we're getting ready to change.
4. The Action/Willpower Stage - we're actually changing the behavior.
5. The Maintenance or Relapse Stage - we're either maintaining the new behavior or returning to old behaviors and abandoning the changes we've made.

This model is most often applied to cycle of addiction and recovery, but it works for just about any change in our lives. Here are some common issues that we all struggle with when it comes to making changes:

1. Healthy eating/exercising/weight management
2. Overall health
3. Career
4. Relationships
5. Alcohol/drugs
6. Money

Within all those categories, there are sub-categories and the list can go on and on.

Here's a personal example: Like most people I know, I have struggled with my weight for years. I've done various diets and started (and stopped) going to the gym, only to at some point stop. Part of it was due to thinking I'm a sexy beast regardless of my weight, but I also struggled with a combination of being exercise averse, loving dessert and anything covered with cheese. However, I realized as I got older, it would get harder to lose weight and with several health issues that run through my family, I could easily become a candidate for medication of some sort. So I made a decision to change my diet and exercise routine and for the last 5 years, exercising and some semblance of healthy eating have become a lifestyle. Do I backslide sometimes? Fa sho. There are days I don't want to exercise or eat salad; I want to watch TV while eating junk food. So I do. Just not all the time. I know better than that.

And who can really stop at 4 mini-Snickers anyway?

Can You Hear Me Now? Good.

Recently, a friend (AS) posted a quotation on Facebook:

"The most difficult thing for people to do is hear their own soul." - NDW.

I don't know who NDW is, but they are onto something. Some people may struggle with what exactly constitutes a soul, so for all intents and purposes (intensive purses), I'll just interpret the meaning as being your inner voice, your gut or your instinct with a spiritual twist. For those with a more religious background, it could also refer to God, the Creator or whatever you believe. I digress...

As I look around at the people in my life, many of us are going through huge transitions in our lives. Although life is about constant change, it seems that there are various points in our lives where the changes are monumental. While getting a new job or a different haircut can seem huge (and liberating), I'm speaking to the life-altering events, like changing job industries or having a baby or moving out of the country. Yet how many of us actually embrace those changes? Better yet, how many of us actually listen to our souls when we need to make those changes?

Me neither.

While we may NEED to make those changes, it is frickin' difficult! Little baby changes like redecorating our living space or taking on new responsibilities at our job can quiet what we're trying not to hear, but that only works for so long. So what do we do? We often keep making the little changes in hopes they'll add up to a big enough change that is less uncomfortable - and more importantly, less painful. And boy, does it work.

But does it really?

It depends on what kind of life you choose to live. Many people live an unconscious life, going through the motions and doing everything they should do. They studied engineering in school, so they become an engineer - even though their passion is dance or law. They've been with their partner for eleventy years so now it's time for them to get married - even though they can't stand the way their partner breathes. They buy a house because the market is good and it's (supposedly) better than renting - even though they can't really afford it or hate what they can afford. We ignore our inner voice because what it's telling us sometimes conflicts with what our friends and family (and stankin' ass Beverly) deems appropriate. And if we're people-pleasers, there's no way we want to disappoint them.

How much does that suck? Alotta bit.

See, what happens when we try to shut that loud-ass, f*^king annoying voice up is that it starts showing up in other places and causing trouble. We may start to feel depressed and/or anxious. We may start isolating ourselves because it feels like it's our loved ones who make it feel like change is impossible (or wrong or selfish). Maybe we start breaking out, suffering from insomnia, getting headaches and migraines or some other seemingly random health issue. The one thing that may stand out the most is that no matter how much we tell ourselves that our lives our great and we have everything we should want, we are hardly satisfied and cannot find peace.

Fortunately, there are also a lot of people who do listen to their souls and execute the changes necessary to follow their dreams. They disregard the naysayers and convention and do what feels true to their hearts. While they may struggle at times and question that voice, they know deep down they are doing what was meant for them. We can all think of a bunch of famous people who have done that, but I bet there are people in your circle who have done it too. Maybe it's you who has done it.

Maybe it's me who has done it...finally.

For over the past year, my spiritsoulGodinnervoiceguts have been telling me that I need to go to Paris. I don't particularly know why, but it's been a very loud and obnoxious voice (with a very heavy French accent) that I've been ignoring. I created many reasons for why I couldn't go - no money, not enough time off, I've been there before, I don't want to go alone, blah, blah, blah. But I couldn't tune it out, no matter how hard I tried. I got very still and quiet and just listened. I stopped asking why and asked why not and I bought that plane ticket to Paris. I'm excited and a little bit anxious - it feels like this may be something significant. I could be wrong, but regardless, I'm getting on that plane and for right now, that voice is a little quieter...well, at least on this topic!

The Ex Friend

You look into each other's eyes and sigh because you both know. This is it, this is the one person that was created just for you to love and be loved by. Rainbows and butterflies, unicorns and licorice, all the sweet things in life ain't got nothing on you and your boo. Tra-la-la-la-la, you're skipping down the road of happiness, hand and hand, ready to vanquish any dragons and flying monkeys that may get in the way. You love love, and love to love and have love for everyone and everything around you, particularly your honey, the love of your life, the apple of your eye, the cheese to your pizza.

Until you don't.

Vanquishing can get hella exhausting, especially when the dragons continue to breathe fire in your face and the flying monkeys are hurling banana peels and feces at you from the sky. You can see that clearly (since those pesky eyelashes were singed off your face) the two of you are not meant to be together. However, you still love them and feces withstanding, you still actually like them. You can't imagine your life without them but you know you can't continue on in this vein. It so obvious; you were created to love each other, but just as friends! Duh!

Au contraire mon frere (or sister). Can you really be friends with someone who's seen your O face?
Some say yes, some say no. I say yes, with an asterisk. Yes*. But first, let's define what we mean by friends. Here are the categories:

Level 1 - when you accidentally run into each other, you exchange hugs, ask if that cousin ever finished law school, "tell your mama I said hello" and keep it pushing.

Level 2 - holiday/birthday phone calls, when you accidentally run into each other, you exchange hugs, ask if that cousin ever finished law school, "tell your mama I said hello", talk about getting together sometime for coffee/salad/licorice but neither of you actually make it happen.

Level 3 - regular communication, hanging out together intentionally, making time for them, etc. You know, how you are with your other friends.

Hopefully, the breakup isn't so ugly that level 1 is unachievable. However, with levels 2 and 3, I am asterisking all over that. Here are the conditions under which true friendship can potentially be achieved:

*1. No sex. (See, y'all aren't really friends.)
*2. If either of you are in a relationship, the new boo knows that y'all have seen each other naked and is okay with your friendship.
*3. There has been enough time between the breakup and the burgeoning friendship.
*4. Your expectations of this friendship are no different from your other platonic ones.
*5. Your interactions within this friendship are no different from your other platonic ones.
*6. The friendship does not hold you back from dating others.
*7. You aren't rehashing or punishing each other for what went wrong in your relationship.
*8. One of you isn't still in love with the other.
*9. Mercury is in retrograde.

Often, we move into the "friend" space too quickly after a breakup. Being friends feels much better than not having the other person in your life at all. However, if we are really honest with ourselves, it's how we rationalize holding on to someone when we don't want to let them go, even if we want to let go of the relationship. The hardest part is giving ourselves enough of a break; 2 weeks is not long enough. I don't have a specific time range, as it is dependent on how long the relationship lasted and how much fire and feces was dealt with. For some, it could be years before you can actually be friends, while for others, 3-6 months is all they need. You may also find that if you wait long enough, the desire to be friends may pass.

There's can also be a level of intimacy in your friendship with an ex that you don't have with your platonic friends. While it can be satisfying to have someone in your life who knows you so well, it can prevent you from moving on to someone else, as your intimacy needs may be getting met in this friendship. That is why it is not advisable to carry on a sexual relationship with an ex friend because it's the sex that helps differentiate a romantic relationship from a platonic relationship.

So can you be friends with your ex? Maybe...but make sure mercury is in retrograde.

Chemistry: Not Just a Class to Ditch in High School

I'll be honest, I really do not enjoy dating. The initial interview, the getting-to-know someone process, sending in your representative (and meeting theirs)...it can be pretty exhausting. As we get older, it gets even harder because we're dragging around not only our baggage, but also our expectations. Are they smart enough, tall enough, ambitious enough? Do they make me laugh? Do they have a prison record? Do I want to have sex with them? There's so much that goes into it, even when we're just grabbing a cocktail or a cup of coffee. However, there is one thing that makes all of this less painful.

Chemistry.

When you meet that person, there's an energy between the two of you. Lots of talking and smiling, touching and laughing. All those thoughts go out the window (for the moment) because things are snap, crackling and popping between you. When you kiss for the first time, damn, it's like a lightning bolt. It's obvious that the two of you were meant to be...naked together. And if/when that does happen, lawd today, there's no stopping you from wanting everyone to feel this way, because you're totally in lust  love.

Or are you?

It's hard to say. Chemistry is definitely a crucial aspect to starting a relationship. When we're trying to build a relationship with someone, it's important to want to be around them, to be curious about them, to be attracted to them. That stage often lasts for a few months, which is enough time to become emotionally invested and committed to making the relationship work. It's also about the time the representatives leave the building and you're left with the good, the bad and the ugly of your not-so-new boo.

While chemistry is surely necessary, it is only part of the foundation for a strong relationship. Sometimes you can have mad chemistry with someone, but that's all there is. The banter, the fun, the phenomenal sex...that's all great, but is there any substance behind it? When you're having a difficult time at work or someone close to you dies, will that person be able to support you and give you what you need? Hopefully yes, but if the foundation of your relationship is build on chemistry alone, it will soon come to light that it is not enough.


Some may argue that chemistry is not needed, that you can fall in love with someone who didn't have that kind of effect on you. Sure, that does happen. However, from what I've seen/experienced/heard, those couples that don't have chemistry have it a little harder when times get rough. If you can't get in touch the reason you fell in love with this mofo, making up after a fight can be quite difficult. Or when the boredom of life's routines sets in, the impetus to make it exciting and put forth effort in sustaining the love can feel like another chore.

So should you date someone with whom you have no chemistry? It can depend on where you are in life and what your goal is. Some people make a choice to make it work because the person has a lot of qualities they are looking for, regardless of the chemistry or lack thereof. Others keep falling in love all over the place because of the chemistry but cannot sustain a relationship. So who knows? Each person has their rationale. Personally, chemistry is important. But that's just me and maybe I'll be singing a different tune in a few years. Ultimately, it's up to you (and the universe). Good luck!

Is it a Deal Breaker?

You and whatstheirface have been dating for a while. Things are going pretty well and it looks like you'll soon be packing your bags and moving to Couplesville. Of course there are little things that get on your nerves (how difficult is it to put the toilet seat down, do your tampons have to be everywhere?!), but overall, the two of you seem to get along like peas and carrots. And then they say those four dreaded words.

"We need to talk."

The thoughts start racing through your mind. "Oh, sweet baby Jesus in a manger! We haven't even had the full-on DTR (Defining the Relationship) conversation...this must be it. They're going to break up with me. It's already over and I was just getting used to their snoring. Sh*t! Why does this always happen to me? Their mom/dad/sister/best friend/brother doesn't like me. I knew I should have hugged instead of shaking hands. I'm such a weirdo, I just don't like touching strangers..."

Out loud, you say, "Of course, babe, what's going on?" or something along those lines that makes you sound concerned but not worried, cool, but understanding and ready to listen, even though you're really freaking out.

"Well, since it feels like we're moving toward something more serious, there's something I feel like I should share with you. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder/Major Depression/Anxiety."

You didn't realize you were holding your breath until you released it. Mentally, you're doing the happy dance because they're not ending things with you. I mean, it was beginning to look like every other relationship and then you'd have to go back online or start harassing your friends again to hook you up with someone or maybe even go to some kind of church group to find someone. How tiring is that? It's worth the payoff but still...wait, did they say they had ___________? Isn't that a mental illness or something?

Why yes, yes it is.

Although there is a lot more information out there about various mental illnesses, there is still a lot that is unknown. There is a lot of misperceptions and stigma regarding mental illness that makes it difficult for people to seek help and support. It can also make it difficult for people to disclose this information to a loved one, especially in a romantic relationship.

So what do you do if your honey shares with you that they have a mental illness?

First, acknowledge them for sharing this with you. Even if it doesn't seem like a big deal to them or even to you, it's not the easiest thing to disclose. Next, get as much information as possible. It's easy to assume that we know how depression looks and feels (how many times a day do those Cymbalta commercials come on?) but how it manifests in each person is different. Things you want to know may include the following:

1. How often do these episodes happen?
2. How long do they last?
3. How does it impact their behavior? (ie. sleeping, eating, working, sex drive)
4. Are they taking any medication? Side effects?
5. Have they or are they getting any kind of professional support?
6. Have they ever been hospitalized for psychiatric reasons?
7. Have they ever tried to kill themselves?
8. How can I best support you?

People handle their diagnosis differently. For some, it's really not a big deal and they're well-versed and knowledgeable. Others like to pretend it doesn't exist until they're in crisis mode. Or they fall somewhere in between. Although these answers are useful to have, this may be a very sensitive topic so be careful when asking some of these questions. Some things might be volunteered without you asking.
 
There are varying levels of seriousness when it comes to mental illness and while medication can help, it does not fix everything. For example, with Bipolar Disorder I, people have episodes of mania and depression; it may seem like you're dealing with two vastly different people if they are experiencing an episode of either. In having an open discussion, it gives you the opportunity to get some idea of how well they function and cope with their symptoms. You can also find out how serious their symptoms are. There's can be a huge difference between mild depression and severe depression.


Do some research on your own. You're not to become an expert and start monitoring their behavior, but it's good information for you to have because you may have to decide if this is something you want to deal with. In having a partner with a significant mental illness, you are signing on to take care of them if they cannot take care of themselves, which is a real possibility.

This doesn't mean that people with a mental illness are damaged and horrible to date. Having a diagnosis is only one aspect of a person and it does not define who they are. Everyone has their issues; some of theirs just happen to have a diagnosis attached. At the end of the day, they are still the wonderful, talented, loving, intelligent person you like/love who leaves their dirty towel on the floor and forgets to empty the dishwasher.

Sex

The word alone evokes images, fantasies, memories and emotions. What is it about sex that makes people lose their minds and do the most idiotic things? Is it the orgasm? (It certainly doesn't hurt.) The connection? The intimacy? The validation? All of the above?

Whatever it is, it seems that people are all over the place when it comes to sex, even in defining it. Birds do it, bees do it, but no one does it like humans. There are various positions, various accoutrements, sometimes various people involved at the same time. Regardless of sexual orientation and predilections, there seems to be one universal theme - someone's always trying to get it! (Hopefully, legally.)

Of course, there are plenty of instances where both (all?) parties involved are down to do the do. However, there's usually some kind of chase involved (especially in Heterosexlandia), particularly if folks are trying to date. If people are trying to have a no-strings attached, booty-call situation or a one night stand, the rules are different. But if one is trying to get to know someone and wants to have the option of a relationship, it often takes some time to get the goodies.

If most of us want sex, why can it be so dang difficult to get? For straight men, they have to convince a woman to have sex with them. (From what I understand, for most gay men, it's not difficult at all. In my next life, I hope to be a gay man.) If you're good-looking and have a little bit of swagger, it's not that difficult. Not to say it's easy all the time, but it's much easier than if you're not attractive and/or have no confidence. However, the challenging aspect is finding a woman who is down.

In general, women tend not to give it up so easy. (I said in general, so please don't tell me about your cousin/sister/friend/neighbor who has sex with everybody.) There's a complex equation that goes on in our heads that determine whether or not someone will see us naked. (It's a totally different equation in lesbian relationships, from what I've been told at the bar.) If you take the square root of the temperature, multiply it by the number of times she was given a compliment over the course of the day, divided by how many new shoes purchased in the past month and add the weight on her driver's license, you should be able to figure out if she's going to put out.

Yeah, it's that complicated.

Actually, there are so many things that go into determining whether we sleep with someone or not. Here is the sequence of thoughts we have and questions we ask ourselves before we get down:

1. How badly do I want to have sex?
2. Do I want to have sex with this cat?
3. If I have sex with him tonight, will I see him again?
4. Do I even want to see him again?
5. Booty call or relationship?
6. I wonder what he's working with.
7. I can't make any decisions until we kiss.
8. Do I want to kiss him?
9. Is it too soon?
10. Is he expecting a BJ?
11. Has he earned it?
12. Am I going to become emotionally attached?
13. Did I shave my legs?


It is also determined by where we are in our lives, how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about our sexuality and what we want from our potential sex partner. Oh, and hormones! Considering that most men operate from a physical space when it comes to sex and women operate from a mix of physical, mental and emotional space, it's a wonder that men and women can be in sexual relationships with one another!

One of the most common issues that comes up in dating and relationships is negotiating sex. I think most men know that women tend to move in a more mental and emotional space, but often choose to ignore it. It may be because they don't understand it or it may be because they don't give a damn. Regardless, that kind of attitude/impatience will prevent you from getting what you want. While we can talk about female sexual empowerment, at the end of the day, we're still operating under a double standard; if we are too enthusiastic about having sex, we're deemed sluts. A lot of men say,"I want a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed." Ever notice that there's no comparable saying for men? That's because their sexuality is part of their masculinity, whereas for us, being a lady does not include being sexual.

Done with my rant.

Anyway, we do like sex. A lot. And we talk about it. A lot. And we want to do it. A lot. But there's also a lot that goes into deciding who we want to have sex with, especially if we are dealing with men. So please, gentlemen, have some patience (not persistence) and you may get what you want sooner than you thought. Also, learn how to kiss. It counts a lot more than you think.

Can We Share?

Let me tell you a story:

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, intelligent woman (we'll call her Intern) who was embarking on a very (hopefully) rewarding career path. She was able to network and connect with some strategic allies, securing an internship that could only open many doors for her when she was ready. Her mentor (and internship supervisor) assured her many times that she had a lot of talent; she just about promised Intern a job upon completion of her studies. She also introduced Intern to some key people who could also potentially offer her a job. However, when Intern connected with one of those key people (someone that outranked her supervisor and happened to be male) who was happy to help her along, her supervisor stopped being her mentor and essentially reneged on those potential job offers.

#nof*ckingway!

Theory 1: Intern suddenly developed some kind of body odor that was repulsive and disgusting and the supervisor could not even begin to imagine working with her on a permanent basis.

Theory 2: The supervisor hit her head and it wiped out any memories related to Intern and future employment.

Theory 3: A butterfly flapped its wings in Brazil, not only causing Mars to go into retrograde, but to also cause the supervisor to strongly believe that Intern may at any moment start barking like a dog while hopping up and down on one foot; she wanted to avoid all of that.

Theory 4: Pure, unadulterated hateration in the dancery.

Although I'm not in this woman's head, but I'm going to guess that theory 4 is the most accurate. While Intern may thoroughly enjoy barking like a dog while hopping up and down on one foot, she knows not to do it at work. I surmise that the supervisor felt several things (none of which were rational or based in evidence) including threatened, insecure and territorial. What makes this story most troublesome is that instead of supporting and uplifting another woman into their profession, the supervisor, who is a well-established, highly regarded veteran, chose instead to create obstacles for Intern due to these (assumed) feelings. Of course, when dealing with emotions, they can definitely be irrational. That does not mean they should be acted upon. This scenario highlights the belief that there just isn't enough to go around and every person for themselves.

Let's look at the possible feelings behind the supervisor's behavior:

1. She felt threatened. Here is this younger woman who has it together. She knows what she's talking about and has a lot of ambition. Although the supervisor has years of experience on her, she might have felt like Intern was going to replace her. It's true that Intern could replace her...many years from now when the she retires.

2. She felt insecure. Maybe Intern reminded her of when she was coming up in the profession and there were so few women at the time. Or Intern is very attractive and makes the supervisor feel less noticeable/special.

3. She felt territorial. Clearly, the Intern was stepping out of her lane by establishing a relationship that the supervisor facilitated...wait, what? Possibly, the supervisor felt like if Intern could do that, she certainly didn't need her help. How is Intern going to come up in here and start making inroads with someone who outranked her? Blasphemous!

4. She felt jealous. Maybe when she was establishing herself, she didn't have access to the kind of resources that Intern has. She had to work really hard, without any kind of help, particularly from men, because they didn't want women in the profession. If she didn't get help, why should Intern get help...at least from her?!


I could be totally wrong and over-generalizing, but this seems to happen a lot more between women in lots of situations, not just in the workplace (hello, cock-blocking). Although men have their pissing contests as well, they don't seem to be as nefarious and hateristic as they are between women. It seems as if we can't share with one another, whether it be resources or the limelight.

But why are women like this? According to this article at psychcentral.com:

Because women learn that they are not supposed to be competitive and win at others’ expense, their natural competitive spirit cannot be shared openly, happily, or even jokingly with other women. In such situations, when aggression cannot be channeled into a healthy, positive edge, it becomes inhibited and goes underground. What could have been healthy competition becomes a secret feeling of envy and desire for the other to fail – laced with guilt and shame. 

Thus, what looks like hostile competition between women may instead mask feelings of insecurity, fear of success, and healthy aggression. Women, often experts at being tuned in and sensitive to others’ feelings, may easily overidentify with other women’s insecurities, projecting how they would feel in the other’s shoes and then feeling bad about their own success. Women learn to feel guilty for feeling happy and successful – and with their female friends who may not be having such luck, they may experience their own success as hurtful to their friend. This can make it uncomfortable for a woman to share and enjoy her accomplishments with her female friends. 

The lesson behind this: be friends with mostly men.

Just kidding. Fortunately, I am surrounded by a fabulous group of women who support each others' successes and inspire one another to keep striving. So when I am confronted by this issue, it's always a little bit shocking. While I'm definitely competitive, I'm also pretty open about it (ask any of my friends) and most importantly, I am confident that there is a enough to go around. Whether it be love, attractiveness, career success, or shoes, I'm not standing in anyone's way in getting those. If anything, I would love to help you; I am a firm believer of what goes around, comes around. Luckily, it hasn't happened to me much; when/if it does, I'm not going to worry about it - there's enough for all of us.

The S Word

According to the 298 posts I've read over the past year (like this one or this one or this one), there's a national epidemic going on, especially for black women. Apparently, many women are suffering from...being single. It's reaching a crisis level, where many bright, successful and attractive women may never get married. If you're married or in a committed relationship, you may want to reconsider some of your friendships. Although it hasn't been found to be contagious, it's better to be safe than sorry. Obviously, nothing is worse than being single, especially as a woman. (Actually, you may want to stop reading this right now, because it is written by a single woman.)

#whatthef*ckever

It's not to say that being in a relationship doesn't have its appeal, hence the collection of dating horror stories that inspired the last few posts. However, many of these articles make it seem like being single is one of the most awfullest, painful experiences that one should avoid at all costs, particularly if you have a vagina. I have yet to read any articles about how men have such a hard time dating and finding a mate. As someone who quite enjoys being single, it's borderline offensive that so much time and effort is spent on figuring out how to cure singledom (singlehood? singleness?).

Being single in itself is not problematic; the problem lies in how we interpret what it means about us. Unfortunately, this tends to inflict more suffering on women than men. Historically, women who were not married past a certain age were considered spinsters (I wonder how many of them were actually just lesbians?) and despite the changes in society, I believe some of that stigma still stands. Although we can say that men over 35 who haven't been married or aren't in a long-term relationship are weirdos, if they decided to get married, their proposal is highly likely to be accepted (unless they truly are weirdos).

So why is it that these bright, successful and attractive women might not get married? Well, if they are lesbians, it might be because it's still not legal in their state (which is ridiculous!). But if they're heterosexual...who cares? There are lots of reasons why women don't get married. While it's easy to blame it on the perceived lack of men (very, very easy), it may also be because ultimately, they don't want to! Being in a relationship takes a lot of energy, time, emotion and compromise; if you're with the right person, it's totally worth it. However, sometimes it seems like in order to avoid being single, many women find themselves compromising on a lot...a lot of bullsh*t (regardless of sexual orientation, by the way). We tell ourselves stories about our partners in order to rationalize staying with them. Do any of these sound familiar?

1. Once s/he breaks up with their significant other, we can be together.
2. It's obvious they love me; look at how often they text me.
3. It's because his mother was too strong/her dad left when she was young that they are emotionally unavailable.
4. I know I can change them with the strength of my love.
5. When they get a little more Jesus/Allah/Jehovah in their life, they'll be ready.
6. It's not their fault that their ex-boo keeps contacting them.
7. If I was a better cook/lover/dog walker, they'd know I was the right one for them.
8. I just have to be patient, they have so much potential.

Don't feel bad, I've made some of these same rationalizations.


Again, compromise on both sides is necessary for a relationship to function well. However, there has to be some non-negotiables. It's different for everyone and it's important to figure out what yours are, especially if you decide to date. The more experience you have, the more you know about your tolerance level and what you're willing to put up with. And keep in mind, they are putting up with some of your bullsh*t too! Unless you're like me and Mary Poppins - practically perfect in every way. (Just kidding, Mary Poppins is a fictional character.)

The best thing one can do, regardless of gender, age and sexual preference, is embrace being single. There are pros and cons to both being in a relationship and being single. If you focus all your time and emotional energy trying to figure out where your soul mate is hanging out, there is a lot of life you are missing out on. And ladies, this does not seem to afflict men nearly as much as it afflicts us. Stop worrying! Create the kind of life you want so that if your boo comes along, they'll fit right in. And if they don't, your life is pretty awesome just as it is.

Are You on This List?

Many women I know, myself included, complain about the lack of dateable men. All of us believe that we're great catches and some of us truly are. However, I also know there are plenty of women who may not be and are ruining it for the rest of us, dammaging men left and right who can't seem to recover...just from one date! So ladies, are you this chick?

1. The Opportunist - when you met him, you knew that he was not the one for you. Maybe his pants were sagging too much or he had difficulty stringing words together to form a sentence or his behavior and tone of voice reminded you of Urkel. Whatever the reason, you knew that nothing good would come from you giving him your number. However, when he asked you out (via text), you said yes anyway. A girl has to eat right?

2. Ms. Picky - "I know it says flour crust, but I'd like it with a cornmeal crust. Make sure it's baked in the oven with only other vegetarian pizzas. Also, is the mozzarella made with whole milk or skim milk? And were the cows that produced the milk grass-fed? I'd like the mushrooms to be finely chopped and sprinkled liberally on the pizza, but make sure they're not touching the other vegetables." If you have food allergies (especially if you have to carry an epi-pen with you), that's one thing. But if you're this picky about your pizza, one can only imagine how you are about other things.

3. The Hungry Chick - I'm not talking about burgers and french fries, I'm talking about the woman who wants to be married with children so badly, any man will do. "What do you think about marriage? Do you want to get married? What do you think about an early fall wedding? Wouldn't that be beautiful? I want 2 boys and 1 girl, Jeremiah, Justin and Julia - I have a thing for J names." TMI for a first date! There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married and have children, but the desperation is so palpable, the folks sitting next to you can feel it!

4. The Bitter Bi*ch - your date doesn't even know what your teeth look like because you haven't smiled once! The body language and tone of voice convey an utter disregard and disdain for the man (or any man) that's taking you out. We've all been burned by love, but if you haven't recovered from your last relationship/experience (that ended 3 years ago), it might be time to get some therapy and figure out what's really going on.

5. The "I Don't Need A Man" Chick - with the divorce rate so high, it's very important for women to be independent and self-sufficient. However, you wouldn't be on a date if there wasn't some need you were trying to fulfill. Whether it be a life partner kind of need or clear the cobwebs kind of need, it does no good to let your date know that he is inconsequential.

6. The Inappropriately Dressed Chick - if your date is taking you to Chez Panisse, by all means, put on a dress and your peep toe heels. But if he's taking you rock-climbing, are you sure that's what you want to wear? This isn't just about where you're going, this is also about the style and fit of your clothes. I know it can be hard to accept that you don't fit a size 8 anymore, but if you have to lay down, stop breathing and use plyers to zip it, let it go! Especially if it's your Girbauds from 1993. Please also keep in mind there is a fine line between slutty and sexy.

7. The Emasculator - these days, gender roles continue to get blurry, particularly as more and more women become the breadwinners and achieve success in their careers. Unless he's looking for a sugar mama, most men want to feel like and be appreciated as men. We complain about chivalry being dead, but barely give men a chance to be chivalrous. So let them be men! It's okay to let them open the door for us.

8. The Wackadoo - we're all a little bit crazy in our own way, but this is different. It's hard to define, but we all know it when we see it...unless we are the crazy chick. If you feel it's okay to slash tires and throw bricks through windshields or if you sleep with your beanie baby collection, you might fall under this category.

9. The Oversharer - as women, we build our emotional connections by talking about everything. Feelings, thoughts, mistakes, boo boo, work, love, sex, pedicures, everything. That's why we have girlfriends. There is a such thing as TMI with a man, especially if it's about other men. They don't want to know. Talking about your experiences with other men is definitely on the TMI list. Most men do not want to know because they are the one and only, right?

This list is by no means comprehensive as I'm sure there are men out there who have some horror interesting stories. At the end of the day, be yourself. It's just a date (not with destiny). You're both two people hoping to find someone that will accept you (and your collection of Jem dolls) and enjoy whatever it is you have to offer. If it works out, that's great. If it doesn't, it's another learning experience or funny story to tell around the lunch table. But if any of these descriptions sound a little too familiar, it might be hard out there for you, sister!