The Disappearing Friend

The first time it happened, you had no idea what to expect. You knew things would change; they had been changing gradually over time, but there was no way you could truly prepare for what was ahead. You didn't know that it would be an ending - no more impromptu dinners, no more last-minute happy hours, no more vacations together. You couldn't have predicted that you would be replaced; after all, you and this other person get along really well and you've enjoyed their company. While there are millions of books about how to do just about anything, there isn't a book for this. So when you get the news, you're absolutely overjoyed.

Your close/best friend is getting married!

That's great and amazing especially since their boo is really a great person for them and they are great people and when people are a couple of them...it's fabulous. Since you are a close/best friend, it's even fabulouser because you get to be in their wedding. That's always fun (the first time around)! Not to mention the bachelor/ette party! It's going to a be a good time and once they're married, everything will be how it's supposed to be - you (single) + bestie (married) + bff's spouse = one big happy family. And if they have some babies...an even bigger, happier family. Yay!

At least that's how it looks in your imagination.

When they were dating, you noticed that some things had changed between you and your friend. They didn't have nearly as much free time and they started a lot of their sentences with "we". The annual friend trip to somewhere hedonistic fun got cut down to a weekend and was redubbed the golf/spa/jazz festival trip. That's okay; we can't keep partying in Vegas forever (although this may be predicated on how ratchet you are). However, since they got married, it seems like they've almost disappeared. Phone calls don't get returned, plans get cancelled or rescheduled and it seems that they have joined this mysterious organization called Other Couples. Since you don't have a boo/significant other/partner/spouse, you are not invited to participate in the things you previously enjoyed with your friend.

It's not malicious (so I hope) or even intentional; you're just in different places in life. While you may be saving up for the new Jordans/a boat/Michael Bolton tickets, they're saving up for a house/midwife/mini-van (by the way, if you are saving up for a mini-van, tell no one), which is clearly more adult and serious. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want, and they have to check in with the family calendar to make sure they have a couple of hours to play a round of golf or grab a bite to eat. It's impossible to relate to one another anymore at this point. Actually, there's a mandate that says all married people must stop consorting with single people as it may give rise to jealousy and possibly engaging in freedom-seeking behavior (it's the allure of the do-what-you-want-when-you-want benefit of singlehood).

I kid.

Truthfully, it all depends on the strength and importance of your friendship before your friend got married. It can be very easy to blame their marriage on the reason they disappeared, but upon further reflection, you may realize they weren't actually that great a friend to begin with. Marriage/children gives them a ready-made excuse for why they don't call you back or can't seem to make it to game nights and birthdays. On the other hand, some people truly value their friendships and find the greatest support of their marriage is within their friendships. I've heard that first and seventh year can be rough!

Also, let's look at the single friend. Sometimes we assume that once a friend gets married they can't don't want to do the same things as their single friends. Sure, it may now be inappropriate for them to take their tops off at the bar, but they still want to go to happy hour! We have to be careful about the assumptions we make regarding their marriage. Are you supportive of your friend and their marriage? Are you interested in knowing their spouse, having a relationship with their children? If not, that's fine; just don't be upset when you see them less and less. And if you are one of those bitter, butt hurt single people, constantly disparaging relationships, you may not be the best person to include at a dinner party, especially if the Other Couples group is there.

So, if you find that you are the single friend, it's important to cut your married friend some slack, at least in the beginning. They are not trying to ignore you - they are adjusting to their new role as someone's spouse and that comes with a sh*tload of responsibilities. If some time has passed and your friend still hasn't returned, call them on it, let them know that their friendship is important to you and you miss them. Married people - it's very easy to get caught up in your life with your partner and maybe eventually children. Time is precious for sure and it feels like you have little of it. However, these are the friends who knew you before you assumed these other identities* and they're here to support and love you...and they also need it reciprocated. It may feel like a lot of effort given everything else on your plate, but just a little bit of effort goes a long way.




*Don't forget that they have lots of stories and pictures about you before you were a serious adult spouse parent...many of which would totally undermine that identity.

Don't Give Up!

You bite the bullet and go on Match/OkStupid/EHarmony. Just like everyone else, you're looking for hot sex on a platter love. It's been rough in real life - your best friend's boo refuses to join a team or club of some kind so they can find the love of your life and the bar scene is so played, especially since you joined the over-thirty crowd (very recently, thank you). You work tirelessly, creating the perfect profile, looking for the one who fits this description:

WANTED: Someone who's smart, compassionate, thoughtful, funny and appreciates the way I eat with chopsticks left-handedly and believes that bacon should be its own food group. Idris Elba doppelganger preferred but not required.

Finally, after several misadventures (like the guy who whipped out a list of things to talk about), you get exactly what you're looking for. He even looks kinda like Idris...if you squint your eyes and turn the lights down super low and have a shot or two of tequila...but still, everything else is in order. They are thoughtful, they get your jokes (obviously they are super smart), and love that you can eat bacon with left-handed chopsticks. It's like you went to the Burger King of dating and you got it your way.

Except...they still aren't the right one.

Your friends throw themselves prostrate on the floor because they're so tired of your pickiness. "What's wrong with this one?" they exclaim. You shake your head because you can't explain it. You have given it so much thought, talked about it excessively with the 38L Geary bus driver; if there is anyone who is tired of your pickiness, it's you! You want hot sex on a platter love for yourself just as much as they want it for you! And this person is great, wonderful, marvelous, has everything you want...on paper. Despite matching most, if not all of your most vital criteria, there is something missing. It's that indescribable, intangible thing that goes beyond physical attraction (and the desire to do naughty things to them).

Love is a tricky thing. If you're lucky, you meet someone who has most of the qualabilities you want, you fall in love and go on to conquer the world together (or at least Sudoku in the Sunday newspaper). Although there truly is an element of luck involved - you have to be at the right place, at the right time both literally and figuratively - it all sounds pretty easy. But what happens when you meet that person, they have all the right things and they do absolutely nothing for your heart?

Some people say "F*ck it. They have all the things I say I want and I'll just make it work. I'm tired of sitting at the kiddy table at all these goddamn weddings I'm going to all the time." (No judgment, but it does make one wonder if that has anything to do with the 50% divorce rate in this country. It's just a kiddy table for one night!) However, I believe that in picking your mate, it takes a lot of courage to follow your heart, even if it seems like it's speaking to you in a foreign language. If this person, regardless of how wonderfully awesome they are, is not for you, it's not fair to keep them because you're afraid there isn't anyone out there for you. Or because they like you more than you like them. Or because they make sense...on paper. Just like you, they deserve someone who has those indescribable, intangible feelings for them.

And hopefully, that leads to lots of hot sex on a platter.

*You're welcome for the Idris links.