Sense and Sensibility

It's Saturday. The weather forecast says it's going to be a beautiful fall day - crisp, with sunshine. It's the perfect day to ride your motorcycle. You can't wait; it's been a long, painful wait for the weekend and this is one of your favorite ways to unwind. You get dressed, barely able to zip up your jacket, you're so excited to ride. You step outside and you realize the ground is covered in black ice. The weather person neglected to mention that there was going to be a serious drop in the temperature overnight, causing this very devastating problem you're facing right now. You're on your way to meet up with some friends - you really want to ride your bike, but it makes more sense to take your car. What do you do?

(First, you are a lucky bastard that you have a motorcycle and a car. You baller, shot-caller, you! B. This is a first world problem fa sho. Third of all, brunch is really a Sunday thing, but I appreciate mixing it up a bit.)

Many of us would get in our car because that makes the most sense...which is why being an adult is often boring. We do a lot of stuff that makes sense. We live in places that are work accessible, because that makes sense. We buy cars with good gas mileage, because that makes sense. We exercise and eat moderately healthy, because that makes sense. We join professional organizations, we buy clothes on sale, we use smartphones, all because it makes sense. It makes our lives easier when we do things that make sense.

So should we date people because they make sense?

Yep. Nope. Yes. No. Okay, maybe. Nah, not a good idea. Yeah, you probably should. No way! I mean, it makes sense right?

Thinking about it makes my brain hurt.

I know that plenty of people get with people because they make the most sense. He has a good job, she would make a great mother. He loves the outdoors just as much as you do, she is super smart and can calculate the tip without using the app on her phone. There are lots of qualities that indicate that she/he would be a really good partner. Beverly is whispering in your ear that you're not in your twenties anymore, all of your friends are partnering up, aren't you tired of being the third wheel yet? This boo could be THE boo, except there's that one thing missing - the butterflies. The excitement. The looking forward to it-ness. Whatever name you've given it is not there...but they make a lot of sense.

Is that enough?

For some, yes. Some folks are hellbent on getting married, having a kid or two and living the American dream of buying an overpriced house and being in debt up to their eyeballs. They are able to see the bigger picture, that this person is the best for them because they make sense. All those qualities of being a good partner outweigh the fact that your heartbeat only goes up when you're on the treadmill next to them. Maybe that's how it's supposed to work, that when you get to a certain age, you let go of the butterfly fantasy and decide you want to do what makes sense.

[Side note: if we're making all this much sense, how come the divorce rate is so high? Are most of us not making sense? Do things make sense and then stop making sense? Ponderate on that.]

But wait! I have heard of those urban legends stories where people meet, fall in love and make sh*t work. They have butterflies AND their partners are good to them and for them...they make sense even! It's not even a story I heard from a movie, I know real-life people who have actually experienced it (and are still with their baby boo). However, for some of us, it can seem like an impossible dream. And with those biological clocks ticking, the sensible thing starts to seem more appealing. Forget about the butterflies, you can buy those from the internet (although apparently, you can buy babies off the internet too, but that's not something I encourage). Maybe that guy from the grocery store who's 5 inches shorter than and has a slight lisp may be an actual contender for making a life with you. (We're all the same height when we lay down, right?) Or that chick who rides your train in the morning with the ever-so-slightly discouraging body odor...all she needs is a little extra soap and deodorant and she could be your wifey!

It's easy to convince ourselves that we don't really need the excitement. For some, that may be true; they are able to carve out the life they want with this person who makes sense, even if there's no passion. Yet, I wonder how long they'll be able to suppress that feeling that something's missing. I believe that it's the passion that keeps you connected and able to work through the difficult times, the boring times, the frustrating times and truly enjoy the good times. Without it, it's so much easier to turn to other, less healthier things to find the fulfillment that's not in your relationship. And then the divorce rate goes up and you have to try dating again which may lead to marriage which statistically increases the likelihood of another divorce and then you'll either be the lady with a lot of cats or the guy with the bad comb over trying to pick up much-younger women in their obiviously-I'm-having-a-midlife-crisis sports car.

Don't be that person. And don't buy babies off the internet!

The Vicious Cycle

I love to shop. There's something about going to a favorite store, picking out a whatever you want, trying it on and deciding that it's coming home with you. It is so thrilling, so fun, that I conveniently forget that I'm not an heiress to the Saudi empire and have no real money. I get my new shoes/jeans/sweater home, try it on again and fantasize about where and when I get to wear it. I gently put it away...and promptly forget it's in my wardrobe. I get my credit card statement, see that my minimum payment is about a bajillion dollars and once again, I decide to go on a shopping diet. Then a party/wedding/Sunday happens and I need something to wear but have nothing that hasn't been seen on Facebook and well...shopping diet be damned, this is a necessity! I can't wear something this Sunday that I wore on a previous Sunday! What will the paparazzi say?

NICOLE WORE THE SAME THING TWICE NOT IN A ROW! WE HAVE THE EXCLUSIVE PICS!

Taken 10/28/12

Taken 10/24/2008 - 4 years prior!

(Images of others have been distorted to protect their innocence.)

The horror!

While I feel it could be a legitimate claim that Facebook has enabled my shopping habit, this is not so much about the shopping but really about the cycle. Shop, feel excited about new thingamabobs, feel first world guilt about money spent on yet another whatchamacallit, decide to stop shopping, feel good about abstaining until another event that requires just one more brand new very special thingamajig...rinse, wash, repeat.

Am I the only one caught up in a cycle? Nope. Is this the only cycle in my life? Nope. I know there are plenty of people out there who are dealing with their own patterns of behavior. This vicious cycle can be applied to many situations - relationships (hello Sexy Heroin), food, drugs, alcohol, gambling, depression, etc. Although some of these behaviors are benign and may not have too significant an impact on your daily functioning, others can be much harder to break. They may even be considered addictive, depending on what we're talking about.

So you have these behavioral patterns that may not be in your best interest. You have two options: 1. Accept that this is a part of who you are and keep it moving or B. Decide that this behavior is an obstacle to what you want for yourself and do something about it. Isn't that easy? Hell no! I don't want to accept that I'll always have credit card debt because I love to buy shoes that look great on my feet but stay in the closet due to their torturous ways. This means that I have to do something about it.

Sh*t.

The strugglingest part is the emotional roller coaster that you're on because of it. It may look a little something like this:

1. Desire - I want to do this.
2. Denial - I can do this, it's not a problem.
3. Pleasure - Oh yeah, it feels good, this is what I like to do!
4. Doubt - Wait a minute, is this something I should be doing?
5. Guilt - I feel bad that I'm doing this.
6. Frustration - Why do I keep doing this?!
7. Resolve - No more times will I do this!
8. Resolution - I am changing my behavior.
9. Action - I am engaging in new behaviors.
10. Behavior is vanquished, never to be seen again!

Except most folks get to #8 and maybe #9 only to go back to #1. Don't feel bad, apparently it can take anywhere between 18 to 254 days for a new behavior to become a habit. Part of the difficulty in changing the troublesome behavior is that there is some kind of pleasure (or relief depending on what we're talking about) derived from what we're doing...which is why we do it again and again. Sometimes the reward isn't totally obvious, especially if it's something that seems detrimental (my nemesis ice cream comes to mind). However, we get something out of it, otherwise it would be easy to quit doing it.

The trick is to replace the behavior with something else - but it's important that it's a healthier behavior. To replace shopping with smoking crack would be a little foolish, don'tcha think? It can also be helpful to figure out what the behavior is about. I like to shop when I have time on my hands and nothing to do. If only I had as much money on my hands as I do time...clearly, I need a hobby, something to occupy my free time. Once you figure out what motivates the behavior, it may be easier to quit. However, it may be quitting that helps you figure out why you do it.

Don't forget that accepting your behavior is an option. That means making peace with how you roll and owning it; this also means taking responsibility for the potential consequences of said behavior. If I accepted my love of new stuff, I would also have to accept that I'd be spending my retirement money on things that I'll eventually donate or throw out (but won't be repeated on FB dammit!). That seems pretty lame. I can barely wear heels now, how am I going to rock them at 80? (I'm hoping by that time, we can travel around via portals.)

I guess I am going to have to really work on this issue if I don't want to be in the budgetary awareness program my whole life. Although I'm still hoping to become an heiress, if that doesn't pan out, I'm really going to have to tackle this issue. Wish me luck! Although I don't really need luck...

I can stop whenever I want!