All Good Things Come to Those Who Wait?

It was my senior year of high school. As I changed my clothes, a classmate (not a friend) asks me if I was still a virgin. Although it really was none of her business, I thought nothing of it when I said yes. Her response was "Stay that way," and she walked out. Um, okay. I didn't understand what she was talking about; to this day, I still don't as I remain a virgin.

Hahahahahaha. I couldn't even write that with a straight face!

As an adult, I now can recognize the wisdom in my classmate's words. As young, stupid, horny teenagers, many of us were in a hurry to be deflowered. If you were lucky, you lost your virginity to someone who cared about you, maybe even puppy-loved you a little bit and it's a cherished memory. Maybe you had rules and regulations; you had to be together this long before you would do this, and that long before you would do that. But once you start having sex, it's difficult to go back to not having sex. A lot of those rules and regulations get thrown out the window, right along with your drawls.

What are the rules of sex? According to Jill Scott, you should wait until the 5th date, to make sure that they're worthy (and not crazy). Some folks say you should do it when it feels right. Others say one should adhere to the 90 day rule. Unfortunately, most of these rules are the responsibility of the woman (in a heterosexual situation) to uphold. Men are encouraged to see how far they can get, but to be respectful of a woman's boundaries. This is not to say that some men don't have their own rules about sex; I just haven't talked to those guys.

Considering the all the potential pratfalls of sex (unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, no orgasm), many of us have a very casual attitude about it. There are all kinds of casual sexual relationships - booty calls, friends with benefits, out of town dalliances - all of which can be fantastic for those who engage in them. However, can having sex early impede the development of true feelings for someone else? Can it get in the way of getting to know someone or does it merely enhance the experience?

There's no absolute way to determine that, as each of us has varied experiences that contribute to our beliefs and feelings about sex. Yet, there seems to be an underlying belief that if a woman has sex with a man too soon, the chance of their encounter leading to a serious relationship diminishes greatly. For some folks, their goal is to not be in a relationship, so they're as happy as clams getting laid with no-strings. But for those who want to be in a relationship, sex can be difficult to navigate.

So should you wait?

If you're attracted to someone and really like them, there's a good chance there is some kind of emotion involved (for both men and women). When emotions are involved, sex becomes a lot more than a naked indoor sport. It can be easy to have a false sense of intimacy with someone you don't quite know yet nor have sorted out all your feelings. Of course, you're not going to know everything you need to before having sex, but is one date (or even 5 dates) enough time to figure out if you really like this person, so much so that you would allow them to see your scars and stretch marks (not to mention your awkward O face)?

So should you wait?

Yes.
No.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
No.

It depends. If your goal is merely to get some, get some! If you want to get to know this person, you might could wait a little while...after all, it's really hard to ask about their favorite movie in the midst of doing it. It's really up to you and your potential partner to decide what's right for the both of you. Sex isn't going to go anywhere, so take as much time as you need, whether it's 3 months, 3 weeks, 3 days or 3 minutes.

I hope it's more than 3 minutes though. Slut. ;)

BBD

It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, but the minute BBD's "Poison" comes on, I am immediately compelled to do the Running Man. Old Navy, the street corner, my car (a true sight to behold), my bathroom...I'm doing the Running Man regardless of where I am.* Luckily, over the last 20 years, I've honed my dancing skills; it's rare that I'm off-beat (but only in this scenario - I still count my steps in Turbo Kickboxing) so I feel no shame that as I wait in line to try on skirts at H&M, I'm breaking a sweat in front of random strangers.

Bell, Biv, DeVoe, thank you for bringing me so much joy...but I'm not talking about you.

I'm talking about the other BBD - the bigger, better deal. While it may have nothing in common with the group, it is kind of like poison. When we're constantly searching for the BBD, we often overlook what we have. Our desire for something better can poison us against the good things we already have in our lives. We miss out on experiences, on people, on opportunities because we are keeping our options open for the bigger, better deal.
  
Does this mean you shouldn't want what's better or best? Of course not. There's nothing wrong with having goals; it's important that we continue to strive towards growth and improvement. However, it's problematic when you are perpetually dissatisfied. Nothing is as good as better. This search for a unicorn in a field of four-leaf clovers will only lead to analysis paralysis; you can spend your whole life looking for the BBD and wind up with nothing because you're so afraid that the next opportunity/shoe sale/baby boo that comes along will be even better.

This does not mean I'm advocating settling; I'm advocating for finding the balance between being content and making the best of what you have while keeping your eyes and ears open for the bigger, better deal. Though this does not always reply apply to every situation, it can be applicable to most things we deal with. For example, you are unhappy with your job. Given this economy, it's probably not the best idea to quit without having something line up. However, letting people know that you're looking for something new while focusing on the aspects of your current job that don't suck is a good way to find balance (and to minimize your desire to go postal). You get to keep your paycheck and still be proactive about finding the bigger, better job.

I know, it's easier said than done. Many of us have been taught at an early age to want the betterest thing, whatever that may be. We feel like a$$holes when we find out that what we have isn't the best, even if it's what we truly want.

I was recently reminded of this while on vacation with a friend. We were being pressured to buy a timeshare. Admittedly, they got me last time, so I already have one. When I told the salesman about the deal I have, he began telling me how his offer was better. I went into this presentation knowing that I was not going to buy anything, but I will admit, it was tempting. They use all kinds of Jedi mind trickeration to get people to purchase their timeshares, but what made me even briefly consider it (besides the free mimosas) was the idea of better. They had access to some really nice hotels, hotels that may be nicer that some of the ones I can access. Was I missing out on the bigger, better deal? Not really. Yet, I actually considered it because my fear was that I was missing out.

The irony - I haven't even used the plan I already have to even know what would be better! See how that mind trickeration works? Sneaky timeshare sales people Jedis.

~ Please close your office door before hitting play. I do not take any responsibility for anyone who compulsively starts to do the Running Man at work.

 

*Yes, I was listening to it while I was writing, but I had to turn it off because it's hard to type and do the Running Man at the same time.