All By Myself

A while ago, I moved into a small apartment after living in my family home for several years. While everything else in my life has been a bit of a mess and sometimes unhappy making, the one thing that has given me solace is my apartment. Although I haven't named it, it feels like my apartment is my friend and when I haven't been spending much time at home, I actually miss it. Decorated the way I like, it gets great light, I have a little outside patio and I can pick lemons right off the tree by taking about 7 steps from my front door. It's pretty awesome. But the best part? I live alone.

This isn't the first time I've lived alone, but it had been quite some time since I had. Although living at home definitely had its benefits (thanks dad, for all the Sunday breakfasts), it stopped feeling like my home at a certain point. I couldn't really explain it other than I just needed my own space, a place that reflected who I am and the things I liked. Plus, I felt like I was getting too old to live there, no matter how great it was (Papa Suddy is an amazing roommate). However, there are also about 8,347 benefits to living alone. Here are 9 of them:

1. Nudity - although I  personally am not shy about being naked, lots of people are. When you live by yourself, you can walk around your place naked - whether it be to grab something from the living room before hopping in the shower or because you just don't want to be bothered with a robe while you make yourself some tea (be careful with that hot water though).

2. Sex - while you're getting your groove on (with someone or yourself), you can be as loud and adventurous as you want and not worry about how much information your roommate is getting about how much you like...uh, the things you like.

3. Food - who took the last of the orange juice without replacing it? Who ate your chunky monkey ice cream? That would be you. Not only is all the food the fridge yours, you can have some of your more weird unique foods around without being judged.

4. Company - you can invite anyone you want over, anytime you like. You don't have to worry about interrupting anyone's sleep schedule or if your guest gets along with your roommate.

5. Television - no arguing over who gets to hold the remote or why you have to watch the Storage Wars marathon. (Seriously, can you believe what gets put on TV these days?)

6. Cleanliness - if you don't feel like doing the dishes right away, don't. If it's been 6 months since you've cleaned your bathroom (which is pretty gross), at least you know the ring in the tub is all your own filth. Or if you need like to dust and vaccum everyday, have at it. It's your place, your standard of cleanliness.

7. Money - you don't have to worry if the electricity is going to get cut off because you're the (hopefully) responsible adult who makes sure the bill is paid. If you think cable is frivolous, you don't have to have it and pay half of the $2,390 cable bill. You are not dependent on anyone to take care of what happens at home.

8. Style - there may be some people who think your framed poster of Bob Marley smoking a joint is a little tacky, but who cares, because you like it! You can have wicker furniture in your living room, pictures of your cat all over the place and a proud display of your beanie baby collection because that's how you want your place to look. People may not want to come over because the eyes on your beanie babies follow them wherever they go, but that's why they don't live with you.

9. Bathroom concerns - everybody farts and poops, we all know that. However, if you're a shy farter, you may not feel comfortable pooting in front of others. When you live alone, no one is around to experience it! Same for going boo boo. While yours may be equally as devastating as someone else's, it's yours! Nothing worse than walking in behind a boo boo that's not yours.

With all that being said, there are a few downsides to living alone.It can be lonely, always coming home to a quiet house. You are responsible for everything - food, bills, making sure you have toilet paper, taking out the garbage, etc.; there's no one else to pick up the slack. Your secret single behaviors may develop into some serious quirks because there's no one around to let you know you're becoming strange. If you pick wisely or are lucky, living with someone else can be a lot of fun too. But...living alone is pretty awesome. I think if it's possible, everyone should live alone at least one time in their life. It can be empowering, knowing that you can take care of business by yourself and most importantly, you can thoroughly enjoy your own company.

Besides, what's better than making tea in the nude? Oh right, blogging in the nude. :)

You Hurt My Feelings!

For those of you who actually know me, it might be shocking to find out that I was quite the sensitive (and dramatic) little girl. The worst thing my mother could ever say was that she was disappointed in me. You know how you start crying so hard, you can't really breathe and your face is all red and contorted? That was me all day. I also liked to proclaim that my mommy didn't love me anymore and that she was very mean. (I told you - dramatic). I'm not sure when I outgrew it (for the most part), but my origins have brought about a mix of empathy and frustration for those sensitive souls out there. I empathize because I can identify, as I still have some sensitive tendencies (sensitendencies). But there is also a level of frustration because sensitive people can be very difficult to deal with, particularly those who are overly sensitive.

Contrary to the image of hugging puppies and picking daffodils, sensitivity is not synonymous with being sweet or nice. While some may understand that they are sensitive, they haven't learned yet how to best manage their feelings. They become defensive and may lash out as a measure of self-protection. It can be difficult to maintain a relationship with a sensitive person as you are often afraid that you'll say the wrong thing in the wrong way with the wrong tone of voice. Anything you say can be interpreted as a criticism and treated as such, sometimes resulting in a discussionment you were unprepared to have. Some examples? Okay.

You say: So, I was talking to Bob about your presentation and there were some things you said that really made me think even though I don't agree with everything.
Sensitive Person (SP) hears: I was talking about you behind your back. I think you're wrong/stupid/have bad ideas.
SP says: You know, I spent 2 weeks preparing for that presentation and it's fine if you disagree, but you should probably do your own research so you can form a real opinion.

You say: Sorry but tonight is not a good night for us to hang out.
SP hears: I don't like you anymore and don't want to spend anytime with you.
SP says: Fine. I would rather stay home anyway.

You say: I really liked that red dress/blue shirt/Member's Only jacket you were wearing last night.
SP hears: I hated the green dress/yellow shirt/pea coat you wore the other day.
SP says: Why, because I don't look as fat/ugly/lame in it?

It can be quite maddening.

Obviously, these are just examples and generalizations. Not all SPs would respond this way, not all
SPs have difficulty in expressing their feelings...I promise I'm not criticizing you, SPs. Please, no angry emails!

In my experience, with those SPs who are not particularly insightful or emotionally aware, the relationship will eventually suffer. It's difficult to share your true opinions with someone who may take offense to anything you say, even if they ask you. When you can't be your true authentic self, which sometimes means saying the hard things (no, you don't look good in that dress, yes, that woman is out of your league), the relationship becomes stifled. You walk around on eggshells, wondering if the next thing out of your mouth is going to cause tears or rage or both. It becomes easier to keep a distance which happens kind of naturally, because basically, you're faking intimacy anyway.

If you're an SP, it's really important that you take ownership of it - and learn how to incorporate it into the way you relate to others. It's great to announce that you're sensitive, but does that mean I can't tell you anything in case it hurts your feelings? It may mean that I have to adjust how I speak to you, but it also means that you have to be willing to hear it for what it is. If you're upset, tell me why. Did it hurt your feelings because that particular issue is very touchy? Was it how I said it? Was it when I said it? Was it my tone of voice? It's important that you share this with your friend/co-worker/family/partner so they can temper how they approach you. Both of you have to feel comfortable about communicating with one another for a harmonious relationship.

There's nothing wrong with being sensitive. Whether it's due to wiring, upbringing, environment or all of the above, it's a part of who you are and how you view the world. However, we do not live in a sensitive world; it's getting progressively more insensitive as we have a lot more technology to hide behind. Although suggesting that one grow a thicker skin or man up is very easy to do, the work of actually doing it is much harder. Essentially, you are being asked to change who and how you are. That's not fair. Unfortunately, life is not fair either.

So man up!

I say: I'm just kidding.
SP hears: I think you're too sensitive and can't handle the truth.
Aware SP hears: I'm just kidding.
Aware SP says: Ha ha.

Get Thee to the Corner!

When I think of self-care, I envision myself at a spa, with a beautiful man rubbing all the knots out of my back. I'm also sipping on a refreshing beverage, like water infused with cucumber/lemon/vodka (or all 3). I am thinking about nothing, just enjoying the massage (and the man). I can also imagine myself at a beach in some foreign locale that requires a passport and a resort to temporarily call home. In both visions, all that is required of me is to do nothing. Unfortunately, I am in neither of those places. I'm at home on a gloomy, Bay Area "summer" day, trying my best to think about nothing, albeit unsuccessfully.

My life is a hot mess right now. Not in a I-can't-get-out-of-bed-don't-want-to-do-nothing kind of way, more like sigh-wtfgoeson-I'm-tired-of-this-sh*t kind of way. Although I'm generally not prone to hot messiness, it feels like it's coming to me in spades. I don't know if I'm going left, right, up, down, under or over. As a person with type-A tendencies (who professionally tells people how to get it together), it is my natural inclination to fix it and fix it right now. However, I've been trying and it's not working.

I'm taking a timeout. I've pulled my chair to the corner and plopped my emotionally exhausted, overwrought- self down.

The concept of time-out as a parenting technique gained a lot of popularity toward the end of the 1900s (sounds like a long ass time ago, doesn't it?). Instead of spanking, parents were encouraged to use time-outs with their children to redirect their misbehavior. (It was also the butt of many jokes, particularly of black comedians, as that was considered "white" parenting - black kids got whuppings.) Well, time-outs aren't just for kids; like nap time, adults need them too. So I'm taking me a time-out.

What does a time-out look like for me? You can't see it with the naked eye; I'm not literally sitting in the corner. I've just decided to take the advice I give to many of my clients - stop it! (Please watch the youtube clip above if you want to know how it works.) When your life feels like everything is out of control, it's very easy to get sucked in to trying fix it. You want everything to get back in order; you want to feel comfortable again in the delusion that you have complete control over it (ha!). But somehow you find that you keep banging your head against the wall, over and over again. Now that my head f*cking hurts, I think it might be time for me to quit.

Duh.

It seems so simple, but it's quite a challenge. I've been ruminating and obsessing so much about my mess, that it is actually making me physically sick. I've decided to give my mind a break. No more thinking about it, no more action steps, no more talking about it - for at least a week. I might even take 2 weeks off! When those thoughts start sneaking in, I literally tell myself stop it. Sometimes I even growl at myself or yell really loudly. While I've definitely struggled and yelled at myself many times, I do feel a little bit lighter. In giving myself permission to take a break, I'm also letting go of the idea that I have total control over what happens in my life. No matter what you do, there are just some things you can't plan for in life.

Otherwise, I would be an heiress by now.

Your F*cking Face

I bet that got your attention.


Let's talk about your face. Or rather your f*cking face. How's it doing? Are you treating it kindly? Telling it good things? Washing it on the regular? Slathering on the sunscreen to prevent wrinkles and sunspots (oh, I guess skin cancer too)? I hope so. It's really important to take care of it because it's usually the first thing people notice about you. And they make all kinds of snap judgments based on what they see. Or really, what they think they're seeing, as beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder.

While our ideas of beauty are subjective, how we treat people we perceive as beautiful or attractive are universal. Studies have shown that people who are perceived as attractive tend to have an easier time in life. According to Psychology Today, we believe that those who are more attractive are also smarter, more competent and friendlier than your average person. Although there are plenty of beautiful people who really are smart, nice, and competent, there are plenty others who are not, but get credit for it nonetheless.

Meritocracy, shmeritocracy.

Although most people would agree that being attractive seldom hurts your cause, there can be a downside to being good-looking. (Yes, I'm shedding huge crocodile tears for Halle Berry right now.) Because there's an assumption that your life is easy, people may easily dismiss your pain and suffering (sigh, Halle Berry). They may assume that you think you're better than them and attribute negative characteristics such as conceitedness or snottiness without even knowing who you are. So regardless of how messy and disastrous your life may actually be, as an attractive person you have a responsibility to portray all those positive characteristics that are generally attributed to you in the first place. Is it fair? Nope. Will it continue to happen? Yep.

The reality is that most people find beauty to be intimidating. As often as I fantasize pretend that Boris Kodjoe is coming to pick me up for our 5th date, I would be super nervous to approach him in real life for a simple autograph. Good-lookingness that potent renders most of us stupid. It also reminds us of what we don't have going on; our insecurities are often triggered. When we feel insecure, we tend to lash out, either at ourselves or at the one who inspired our insecurities. Unfortunately, when we lash out externally, we may be missing the chance of getting to know someone who is a genuinely awesome person.

And sometimes, we're not.

There are attractive people out there who play their good looks to their advantage. I think to some degree, it's really hard not to; it can't be helped if people pay more attention to you because of your f*cking face, right? However, there are folks who know they're hot and use their good-lookingness to manipulate others into giving them what they want. You know who they (you?) are. Obviously, it works, but it can also be a hindrance to personal growth. (I know, who really wants personal growth when they can get all their drinks for free?) They don't have to work very hard because everything is handed to them, to the point where they start to feel entitled. Unfortunately, particularly for women, looks fade. If that's all you've had to offer, what's left?

I hope you flirted your way to a free education.

I know this works both ways; it's not the fault of the good-looker that they are rewarded for what essentially is a lucky configuration of genes. But I'm not going to go into how society needs to stop treating beautiful people better than the less-beautiful because it's pointless. It's encoded in our DNA to be drawn to attractiveness! We like beautifulness and many of us strive to be considered attractive, handsome, pretty, beautiful. So treat your f*cking face well!

Thanks, Dukes, for the title...your f*cking face.