New Year's Resolution: No New Year's Resolutions!

Well, 2011 is about to be over. For some, it may have been a great year, but there are plenty of others who are excited to say "F*ck off 2011, and kiss my a$$ while you're at it!" Although I'm a firm believer that you can change your life at any time, there's something so appealing about starting fresh at the beginning of a new year. We're ready to shed some old habits and pick up new, healthier ones, especially since we're older and(allegedly) wiser. This is the time to get our lives together for reals because it's a new year.

Hahahahahahaha.

Sorry if my laughter seems a little cynical; I'm not trying to crush anyone's dreams of getting in shape/volunteering/learning a new language/traveling more/watching less television/closing their FB account. Here's the thing about resolutions - they can be kind of a set up for failure. We're so gung-ho about starting/quitting something at the beginning of a new year, we often forget to assess whether we're truly ready to do it. Think about it - how many of your resolutions have been the same for the last several years? Are you still trying to quit smoking? Cut back on eating out? Spend more time with family and friends? Resolutions signify a change and we all know changing ain't easy (and apparently, neither is pimping).

So my resolution for this New Year's Eve - no resolutions! Yeah, I'm kind of a rebel.

I encourage you to do the same; kick back and just enjoy your New Year's Eve! Instead, take a look back on 2011 and reflect on what was awesome about it and what made it awful. Take the time to really think about what goals are realistic for you and your life (winning the lottery is NOT a realistic goal). Most importantly, figure out if you're actually invested in achieving those goals; if losing 20lbs has been on your list of New Year's resolutions for the last 7 years, maybe you're not ready to do it. If there are changes you want to make in your life, do it when it's the right time for you, whether it be January 1st or March 27th. Otherwise, come February, you'll be lamenting the $29.95 per month gym membership you signed up for and used approximately 3 times since you got it. (I understand, the gym is so crowded in January, how can anyone work out in that madness?! Mmhmm.)

I wish everyone a fun and safe New Year's Eve. Party like a rock star! (But a responsible one, not one who trashes hotel rooms and bites the heads off chickens.)

Deck the Halls, Not Your Mom

With the Chrislamakwanzaakah season in full throttle, we are inundated by holiday songs and invitations to be merry with our co-workers, family and friends. Our offices have wreaths on their door and the army of Santas have been dispatched to malls everywhere for kids to come sit in their laps and tell them what they want for Christmas. There are trees to decorate, candy canes to eat and presents to wrap, all the while maintaining a demeanor of holiday cheer.

T'is the season to be jolly...allegedly.

But for many, the holiday season represents more pain than pleasure. While some of us are out there enjoying our figgy pudding and sneaking kisses under the mistletoe, there are an equal number of people who have decided that this time of year is better spent with the shades drawn and their heads buried under the covers until January 2nd. Bah humbug and a merry f*#k you.

There are many factors that contribute to the holiday blues*. For a lot of people, it stems from childhood and how the holidays were (or were not) celebrated. We can talk a good game about how the holidays are about being with family and friends, blah, blah, blah, but when you're a kid, it's all about the presents. If you grew up in a family with limited resources, this time of year is a bright, shining reminder of what you didn't (or still don't) have. If your childhood in general was a morass of suckitude, the heightened atmosphere of familial connectedness can easily take you into depressed mode as you remember all that sucked, particularly around this time of year. Here are some other possibilities:

1. You don't like your family and all the fakery and pretending is very stressful.
2. Santa-phobia.
3. You hate shopping for presents.
4. You're far away from your family and can't afford to get home.
5. You have to work on all the days everyone has off.
6. Holidays = cold as hell outside.
7. You don't believe in the commercialization of the holidays but feel forced to buy presents for people you don't even half like and it's your hard money that you're begging "the man" to give you just so you can give it back to "the man" for people you don't even like.
8. All your favorite shows are interrupted by holiday specials and old Christmas cartoons.
9. Grandma got run over by a reindeer.

So what should one do to overcome the holiday blues? 2 words - spiked eggnog. Just kidding (but only because I don't like eggnog, I prefer mulled wine).

It's okay to be in a holiday funk, especially if your life (and finances) are currently in a disarray. But there are a few things that make the holiday season at least a little bit bearable:

1. All the sales!
2. Your favorite mochachocolattacino now comes in peppermint and eggnog flavor.
3. Seeing your boss hammered at the office holiday party.
4. No work for at least a day or two (or more if you're super lucky).
5. Spending time with your friends (aka your family of choice).
6. Mulled wine. (No, seriously, it's really good.)
7. Skiing.
8. Ugly holiday sweater party.
9. All the desserts people bring to work.
10. The gym is virtually empty because people want to make their New Year's weight-loss resolution really worth it.
11. Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo.


See, there is happiness to be found in the holiday season! You just may have to look a little harder to find it. I mean seriously, who can resist the charms of Mr. Hanky?!

Anyway, if you do find yourself to be in a bah humbug mood this season, I strongly encourage you to stay away from malls, reindeer and little people that wear pointy shoes and help Santa make toys.

Happy holidays!




*If you find that your holiday funk starts to bleed into the new year, you may be experiencing something more serious and you should talk about with your health provider or therapist.

Wherever You Go, There You Are

I'm sure that quotation was stated by someone very important long ago, but I remember it from the Brady Bunch movie (yes, I saw it, don't judge me). To briefly recap for those of you who allegedly haven't seen it: Mr. Brady often gave fatherly advice that made no sense and left the kids perplexed. This was one of the statements he made and it made me laugh because it was so...duh. However, the more you think about it, it's really quite true - wherever you go, there you are. Essentially, you can never escape yourself.

It's pure genius. (Not evil genius, just regular old genius genius.)

Many of us spend our whole lives trying to do just that. Not necessarily in a conscious and literal "I'm trying to escape myself" kind of way, but more in a "If I could just (fill in the blank), I would be a better person" kind of way. But really, you're still going to be the same person, regardless (disirregardless) of what that thing is. So even if you win the lottery or lose weight or get a better job or have a baby, you're still going to be you. You'll just be a richer, skinnier, better-employed parent version of yourself.

Is that a bad thing? No, not at all. Unless of course, you don't like who you are. Oh wait - is that why you're trying to escape yourself? Then there might be a problem. Fixing what's damaged on the inside cannot come from the outside. Often, what we're seeking is external validation that we're okay. However, it won't ever be enough because the only person whose acceptance you really need is your own. (Kind of sounds like one of those 80s PSAs that are trying to discourage teens from succumbing to peer pressure. Whatever. Honey badger don't care.)

I know I made it sound hella easy and simple. "Just accept yourself and everything will be o-kay." Ha! If it was that easy, who would need therapy? A lot of that self-love and self-acceptance mumbo-jumbo actually starts externally, when we are babies. Our parents are the ones who are supposed to lay down that foundation. Unfortunately, there are lots of parents out there that didn't get the memo and didn't do it. So now as adults, we have to do it for ourselves.

How does one do that? Here is a step-by-step guide on how to accept yourself:

1. Figure out your strengths.
2. Figure out your flaws.
3. Decide if your flaws are all that bad.
4. Surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally.
5. Accept yourself.

See? That's not so bad, right?

Okay, okay, my "guide" wasn't really that helpful, I know. (I accept that about myself, that I didn't write a helpful guide about accepting oneself.) Although you really do have to dig deep within yourself to learn self-acceptance, there are some external factors that can be quite helpful in that journey. Step 4 is very crucial - having a community in which you belong or a support network of friends and/or family is important. If we feel low about ourselves, it can be difficult to identify and acknowledge our strengths and positive characteristics. so sometimes we need outside forces to remind us about what makes us great.

The downside to this self-acceptance journey? It takes time. If you are someone who experienced some kind of trauma during your formative years (i.e. abuse, neglect, abandonment), it can be challenging to undo all those years of negative self-talk; at a certain point it becomes automatic. I encourage you to seek help, whether it be with a therapist or some kind of support group. If you are not happy with who you are, no matter what things you add to your life, nothing will fix that but you. It may take a while, but it's worth it because wherever you go, there you are. 

You May Be Right, But Totally Wrong

As people, there are a multitude of things we all do all the time. Besides the obvious autonomic human functions, we eat, we sleep, we talk, we laugh, we brush our teeth...the list goes on and on. Although we do have choices in whether we do these things or not (I'm sure someone has an example of a small Amazonian culture that does not believe in bathing of any kind), most of us do them on autopilot. However, there is one thing on this list that we don't like to admit we do, despite doing it all the time.

I'll give you a hint: we do it everyday. We make big ones, we make small ones. Sometimes it can cause a mess, make a stink.

Hmmm, what could it be?

Okay, I'll tell you.

Judgments.

What did you think I was talking about? Dropping the kids off at the pool? Nah, I know plenty of people who are quite proud of that accomplishment.

Most people would like to believe that they are above judging people. But the truth is, we make judgments about people all the time, every day. We judge what they're wearing, we judge how they act, we judge what they look like. We make judgments about how much money they make or their sexuality. We're constantly judging and more often than not, comparing ourselves. “I would never let myself get that fat,” we think. “I'm always on time, why is s/he always late?”. “That's not how someone should dress if they're trying to look professional, not like a professional.” So on and so forth.

If we're all doing it, why are we so reticent in admitting to it? It's not wrong to make judgments; it's how we learn from others' experiences. The problem lies in what we do with those judgments, namely how we treat others based on how we've interpreted the information. Especially if we're talking about our friends.

How many of us have watched a friend do something totally stupid (in our “humble” opinions)? Or get involved in a situation that had red flags so big you could see them from space? According to my unscientific, self-created statistics, that's basically 99.99999% of the human population. Okay, everyone put your hands down. Now...how many of you saw your friend differently once they were engaged in this stupidity? Okay, a few less people have their hand raised. Lastly, how many of you treated your friends differently? Mmhmm. And what's your friendship like now? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that it has irrevocably changed....but I'll make no judgment about if it was for the better or the worse.

Our job as a  friend is to try to protect our friends from imminent danger, whether it be from a Miami drug cartel (uh, who are you hanging out with?), a crazy Nigerian pyramid scheme or from a broken heart. The operative word is try. We cannot live their lives, nor can we think that we know what's best for them. Although we may feel we can see the whole forest for the trees, we only have the perspective of the outsider. We have no idea what it's like on the inside of the forest; there may be little wood nymphs that make flower wreaths and give amazing foot massages. All we see is a dark, impenetrable and possibly scary-ass forest where we assume lions and tiger and bears live. Although it may seem like we know what's right, we have no idea because we're not in the situation, whatever it may. But I'll bet money that we have been...it's just different because it's our experience, right? #youcandishitbutcanttakeit.

[SIDEBAR] Is it just me, or does it seem like the most judgmental (and quite vocal) people tend to also be the most tight-lipped and sneakative (sneaky + secretive, NW)...ahem, I mean private people? They can talk all day long about what you've got going on, but when it comes to their own skeleton-riddled forest, they are suspiciously quiet.

Anyway...

As being both the judge and the judged, our relationships can be seriously altered when we don't feel like we can trust our friends with all the details. One of the major joys of friendship is feeling unconditionally loved and accepted, regardless of how dirty, stupid, irresponsible and trifling we can be at times. Our friends are not our family – we get to choose them. Even if we disagree with what they are doing, it's also a part of our job to support them anyway (with individually determined boundaries of course) and pick them up when they've fallen down...without the I-told-you-sos preferably. Okay, you can think it, just don't say it out loud.

“The hardest thing to accept is that your friend is an adult and will make decisions that you disagree with. The best thing you can do is love them and be there for them if it doesn't work out, just like you knew it wouldn't.”  The best advice given to me by my mother.

En Vacances!

A couple weeks ago, I mentioned that I have planner tendencies but I've been accused many times (usually by the same person) of being a full-fledged planner. While I maintain that it's all relative, there is one thing I'm most excellent at planning: vacations. I have it down to a science that involves algorithms, spreadsheets and the time/space continuum. Oh, and a smidgen of imagination, creativity and if at all possible, a passport.

I'm not telling you this because I won't be writing my blog this week (clearly), I'm telling you this because it's very important for everyone to go on vacation. Time is flying folks and where have you been? On your couch? No bueno, c'est mal! (It sounds more interesting in foreign languages.) It's easy to pooh pooh the idea of going somewhere because it costs too much money, it's a pain in the ass to get folks together, the flights are too long, you have kids in school, blah, blah, blah. Those are all sorry excuses because vacations don't necessarily have to be expensive...especially if you plan it right. Even the 99% need to go somewhere.

As a nation of workaholics, it's unfortunate that we don't get the amount of vacation that we deserve and actually really need. Most of us get a pathetic two weeks every year; it's even worse when it's combined with our sick time. Two weeks is barely the amount of time necessary to truly relax and decompress from the stresses of work. When we are stressed out, we are more prone to illness, fatigue, mental health issues and weight gain (booty-do). So as one friend succinctly said once, "Get on a f*cking plane and go somewhere!"

Here's how you plan a vacation:

1. Decide what kind of vacation you want to have. Do you like doing nothing on the beach? (Um, hell yeah!) Are you into museums and architecture? Do you prefer a specific kind of climate?
2. When do want to go? For how long?
3. How much vacation/PTO do you have available currently? How much will you have by the time you intend to go?
4. Who do you want to travel with?
5. Once you've figured out all of that stuff, do some research on places to stay, local culture, money, etc.
6. Buy the ticket.
7. Get on a f*cking plane, train or automobile. (Yes, I know you're supposed to get in an automobile, hush.)
8. Do not check work email. Do not check work voicemail. Do not call work. Don't even let them know where you're going.
9. Relax.

It seems like a long list and items 1-4 can be quite difficult to figure out, particularly item #4, your travel buddy. As an avid traveler, I've learned that not all friends are meant to travel together; relationships have been damaged, sometimes irreparably, after folks go on vacation together. My preference is to travel with someone, but it can be a real pain in the ass trying to coordinate everyone's vacation time and money. I just plan a trip and hope that someone can join me. If they can, great, if they can't, I'm still going. Don't be afraid to travel alone; sometimes the most interesting and fortuitous experiences happen because you're by yourself. Plus, you get to do whatever you want. You want to spend all day shopping? Do it. You want to lay on the beach, reading and drinking a pina colada? Great idea. You want to go rock climbing? Excellent. Just be smart and aware of your environment, especially if you're a woman traveling solo, and you'll be fine.

Any ideas yet on where you're going?

Even if you're doing something more local within driving distance, the same vacation principles apply. The point is that you are taking a break from the humdrum/chaos of your daily life. I believe it's best done far, far away, but not everyone has enough PTO or money to do that. However, you can take a vacation; there are plenty of low budget options and if you think about it, maybe you turn that shoe money into vacation money. Believe it or not, it's highly unlikely that your office will implode without you there. Actually, if you don't take a break, it can increase the likelihood that things will fall apart because your ass is exhausted and burned out. I'm pretty sure you don't get a bonus for having a heart attack due to stress.

Alas, I am practicing what I preach. While your eating your lunch at your desk, I'll be on my way to converse at another bar in another country. Don't hate...observate, notate, imitate and vacate!

Liquor May Be Quicker But Wine is Devine

My love affair with red wine began on an overcast day in San Francisco about 2 years ago. A girlfriend was in town and she introduced me to a pinot noir that forever changed my "ew gross" opinion about red wine. Unless it's a hot day or the only thing being offered, I have all but abandoned white wine. The melange (that's the fancy French way of saying blend) of blackberry and strawberry, with notes of vanilla and a smokey oak...ha ha ha, who am I kidding? I like the way it tastes on my tongue.

Most importantly, it makes me feel all warm on my insides. There's a reason it's called happy hour...a nice little buzz to take the edge off the long work day.

Many of us consider some form of alcohol to be part of the major food groups. Can your grilled mahi mahi really be that good without a chardonnay? Can you eat buffalo wings without a (hopefully shared) pitcher of beer? Tacos without a margarita? A juicy steak without a vodka tonic or glass of red wine? Of course not! Obviously, food and alcohol go together like peanut butter and jelly.  I'm still waiting for Shelly Obama to put that on the chart. (We're friends, it's okay for me to call her Shelly.)

It's also a great socializing tool. Alcohol can make everyone seem a little bit funnier, smarter, cuter, skinnier, taller, whatever-er...until it doesn't. That's when one crosses over into drunken hot-mess territory. We are no longer funny or cute, we're just loud and obnoxious and sometimes sweaty because puking our guts out is exhausting. Oh please, you know we've all been there at some point. For some of us, it may have even been last night. Nothing wrong with that, although getting hammered on a school night is generally not a good idea.

Let me clarify. Nothing wrong with that...on occasion. If being a drunken hot-mess is a recurring status update, alcohol may not be your friend after all. Until recently, I had this crazy idea that alcoholism was a problem for old people, particularly men. However, I'm beginning to see that some of my peers, both men and women, are straddling the fine line between alcohol abuse and dependence. Now that we're no longer in the "I'm in my twenties, therefore I do a lot of dumb shit" phase, we can't hide behind the intrinsic stupidity of youth. As we move through our (very, incredibly early) thirties, is it still appropriate to begin all of our stories with "I got so wasted this weekend..."? Hmmm.

So when does alcohol transition from being a tasty treat to being a liver problem in the making? That's part of the problem; it's often an issue that you may not realize you have until you happen to be reading a blog. A blog that you really like because it takes place in a BAR!!!! OH MY GOD!!!

In all seriousness, how do you know if you or a loved one has a problem? Here's the diagnostic criteria for both alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence:

Alcohol abuse:
Abuse of alcohol or a substance (such as cocaine, nicotine, marijuana, etc.) is generally characterized by a maladaptive pattern of alcohol or substance use leading to significant impairment or distress, as manifested by 1 or more of the following, occurring within a one year period:

• Recurrent substance use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home (e.g., repeated absences or poor work performance related to substance use; substance-related absences, suspensions, or expulsions from school; neglect of children or household)
  
• Recurrent alcohol or substance use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (e.g., driving an automobile or operating a machine when impaired by substance use)
  
• Recurrent alcohol or substance-related legal problems (e.g., arrests for alcohol or substance-related disorderly conduct)
  
• Continued alcohol or substance use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of alcohol or substance use (e.g., arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication, physical fights) 

Alcohol Dependence:
Dependence upon alcohol or a specific substance (such as cocaine, nicotine, marijuana, etc.) is characterized by a maladaptive pattern of alcohol or substance use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by 3 or more of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

1. Tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
   
   • A need for markedly increased amounts of the alcohol or substance to achieve intoxication or desired effect
     
   • Markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of the alcohol or substance
2. Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:
   
   • 2 or more of the following, developing within several hours to a few days of reduction in heavy or prolonged alcohol or substance use:
     • Sweating or rapid pulse
     • Increased hand tremor
     • Insomnia
     • Nausea or vomiting
     • Physical agitation
     • Anxiety
     • Transient visual, tactile, or auditory hallucinations or illusions
     • Grand mal seizures
   • The same substance (or another substance) or alcohol is taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms
3. The substance or alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended
   
4. There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control use of alcohol or the substance
   
5. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol or the substance (e.g., visiting multiple doctors or driving long distances), using alcohol or a substance (e.g., chain-smoking), or recovering from its effects
   
6. Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of the continued alcohol or substance use
   
7. The substance or alcohol use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance (e.g., current cocaine use despite recognition of cocaine-induced depression, or continued drinking despite recognition that an ulcer was made worse by alcohol consumption) 

(These definitions were taken from http://psychcentral.com/disorders/.) 

Because it is socially acceptable and legal to drink, it's easy for us to dismiss or minimize the consequences of our behavior. Unfortunately, there can be some serious short and long-term effects of alcohol overuse. Oops, how did that fetus get into my uterus? Who's this chick in my bed? How did I get home last night? Who is stomping around in my brain so loudly? Why is there lion in the bathroom? Is this pee in my bed? Mmhmmm, we all know what I'm talking about. And those are just the short-term issues!

Don't worry, I'm not on the path of becoming a teetotaler...my blog is called Conversations at the Bar after all. I'm just suggesting that when we enjoy our wine/whiskey/beer, we enjoy it responsibly. Being drunk is not sexy and it's no fun for friends who have to babysit. Besides, those hangovers are nothing nice these days - pizza at 5am (like I can even stay up that late anymore) to soak it up doesn't cut it like it used to!




*If you feel like you or someone you know needs help with a substance abuse issue, please click on this link to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website to help figure out where to get help in your area.


*I'd also like to give a shout out to Sharkqwando (pronounced Sha-kwan-doe, the r is silent) Light for the picture idea.

The Planner Vs. The Flow-er

 

VS.

It's Wednesday night and there's relief on the horizon - the weekend! You call text your fairly new baby boo:

You: Hey you, how are you?
Them: I'm good, just relaxing.
You: Yeah, it's been a long day. I just wanted to see if you wanted to do something this weekend.
Them: Oh, I don't know, I have some things in the mix.
You: Oh, okay, what are you going to be doing?
Them: You know, maybe hanging with friends, might catch a movie, get something to eat. Things like that.
You: Well, let's make plans to hang out this weekend, I want to see you.
Them: Yeah, I'll check in with you and see what you're up to.
You: Okay.

In your text, you say okay. In real life, you are highly irritated. Since it's still in the pre-DTR phase, it feels a little uncomfortable to get irate; you can't show your crazy all at once. This can easily lead us down the "If they were interested in me, they would make plans with me" path, which is definitely a possibility not to be ignored. However, there is the possibility of something else - they just might not be someone who likes to plan. You may end up spending the whole weekend with them for all you know.

As someone who has a lot of planner tendencies, this drives me crazy bananas.

One of the most difficult aspects in navigating relationships are our differences. While it definitely makes life more interesting, it can also cause a lot of stress and frustration when the differences are diametrically opposed. Can a teetotaler be with a wine enthusiast? Can a neat-freak live with a hoarder? Sure; if both people are invested, they can make it work. It just takes A LOT of patience and compromise on both ends.

When it comes to the planner and the flow-er, there are other underlying factors that contribute to the differences between the two. For example, a planner tends to be punctual while a flow-er tends to run a bit behind schedule. A planner is often very organized - the spice rack is alphabetized and their underwear is neatly folded and grouped together by color. Meanwhile, a flow-er is still looking for that left shoe that might be in their closet - or is it in the trunk of the car? - in 2009. While this may be seemingly benign, there are many folks out there who don't understand one another for these exact reasons. (Seriously, why would you only have one shoe, possibly in the trunk of your car? Where the f*ck could the other shoe have gone? Aren't they a pair?!)

Luckily, with some love and patience, each one can learn from the other. While a planner's way of life may seem a little easier to follow since it's so well organized, sometimes they* can be rigid and have a difficult time relaxing. They get so caught up in their itinerary and having to be somewhere by a specific time to do a specific thing, they miss the double rainbows in life. With a flow-er, their easy-going approach to time can lead to spontaneous adventures that no one can ever really plan. However, there is also a downside. Sometimes we miss out on opportunities because we didn't act in a timely manner. Or we end up spending more money because of late fees. Or we lose important things in the clutter and disorganization.

So how do the planners and flow-ers navigate their differences? Obviously, they plan to navigate things in a timely and orderly fashion. Just kidding. There is a way to meet in the middle. Maybe the flow-er give the planner a time and a place to meet and the planner lets go of their list of things to do. Maybe the planner lets the flow-er know the importance of an event so they'll be on time, but punctuality won't be important for every event. Regardless of the solution, the most important part is that both people are willing to work towards finding one that works and is respectful of the differences. Over time, that flow-er may keep both shoes in their closet (at the same time even) while the planner may allow their paprika to sit next to the cinnamon on the spice rack.


*I said I have planner tendencies. You should see the trunk of my car (although every shoe that's in there has its match and a reason)!