Liquor May Be Quicker But Wine is Devine

My love affair with red wine began on an overcast day in San Francisco about 2 years ago. A girlfriend was in town and she introduced me to a pinot noir that forever changed my "ew gross" opinion about red wine. Unless it's a hot day or the only thing being offered, I have all but abandoned white wine. The melange (that's the fancy French way of saying blend) of blackberry and strawberry, with notes of vanilla and a smokey oak...ha ha ha, who am I kidding? I like the way it tastes on my tongue.

Most importantly, it makes me feel all warm on my insides. There's a reason it's called happy hour...a nice little buzz to take the edge off the long work day.

Many of us consider some form of alcohol to be part of the major food groups. Can your grilled mahi mahi really be that good without a chardonnay? Can you eat buffalo wings without a (hopefully shared) pitcher of beer? Tacos without a margarita? A juicy steak without a vodka tonic or glass of red wine? Of course not! Obviously, food and alcohol go together like peanut butter and jelly.  I'm still waiting for Shelly Obama to put that on the chart. (We're friends, it's okay for me to call her Shelly.)

It's also a great socializing tool. Alcohol can make everyone seem a little bit funnier, smarter, cuter, skinnier, taller, whatever-er...until it doesn't. That's when one crosses over into drunken hot-mess territory. We are no longer funny or cute, we're just loud and obnoxious and sometimes sweaty because puking our guts out is exhausting. Oh please, you know we've all been there at some point. For some of us, it may have even been last night. Nothing wrong with that, although getting hammered on a school night is generally not a good idea.

Let me clarify. Nothing wrong with that...on occasion. If being a drunken hot-mess is a recurring status update, alcohol may not be your friend after all. Until recently, I had this crazy idea that alcoholism was a problem for old people, particularly men. However, I'm beginning to see that some of my peers, both men and women, are straddling the fine line between alcohol abuse and dependence. Now that we're no longer in the "I'm in my twenties, therefore I do a lot of dumb shit" phase, we can't hide behind the intrinsic stupidity of youth. As we move through our (very, incredibly early) thirties, is it still appropriate to begin all of our stories with "I got so wasted this weekend..."? Hmmm.

So when does alcohol transition from being a tasty treat to being a liver problem in the making? That's part of the problem; it's often an issue that you may not realize you have until you happen to be reading a blog. A blog that you really like because it takes place in a BAR!!!! OH MY GOD!!!

In all seriousness, how do you know if you or a loved one has a problem? Here's the diagnostic criteria for both alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence:

Alcohol abuse:
Abuse of alcohol or a substance (such as cocaine, nicotine, marijuana, etc.) is generally characterized by a maladaptive pattern of alcohol or substance use leading to significant impairment or distress, as manifested by 1 or more of the following, occurring within a one year period:

• Recurrent substance use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home (e.g., repeated absences or poor work performance related to substance use; substance-related absences, suspensions, or expulsions from school; neglect of children or household)
  
• Recurrent alcohol or substance use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (e.g., driving an automobile or operating a machine when impaired by substance use)
  
• Recurrent alcohol or substance-related legal problems (e.g., arrests for alcohol or substance-related disorderly conduct)
  
• Continued alcohol or substance use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of alcohol or substance use (e.g., arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication, physical fights) 

Alcohol Dependence:
Dependence upon alcohol or a specific substance (such as cocaine, nicotine, marijuana, etc.) is characterized by a maladaptive pattern of alcohol or substance use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by 3 or more of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

1. Tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
   
   • A need for markedly increased amounts of the alcohol or substance to achieve intoxication or desired effect
     
   • Markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of the alcohol or substance
2. Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:
   
   • 2 or more of the following, developing within several hours to a few days of reduction in heavy or prolonged alcohol or substance use:
     • Sweating or rapid pulse
     • Increased hand tremor
     • Insomnia
     • Nausea or vomiting
     • Physical agitation
     • Anxiety
     • Transient visual, tactile, or auditory hallucinations or illusions
     • Grand mal seizures
   • The same substance (or another substance) or alcohol is taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms
3. The substance or alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended
   
4. There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control use of alcohol or the substance
   
5. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol or the substance (e.g., visiting multiple doctors or driving long distances), using alcohol or a substance (e.g., chain-smoking), or recovering from its effects
   
6. Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of the continued alcohol or substance use
   
7. The substance or alcohol use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance (e.g., current cocaine use despite recognition of cocaine-induced depression, or continued drinking despite recognition that an ulcer was made worse by alcohol consumption) 

(These definitions were taken from http://psychcentral.com/disorders/.) 

Because it is socially acceptable and legal to drink, it's easy for us to dismiss or minimize the consequences of our behavior. Unfortunately, there can be some serious short and long-term effects of alcohol overuse. Oops, how did that fetus get into my uterus? Who's this chick in my bed? How did I get home last night? Who is stomping around in my brain so loudly? Why is there lion in the bathroom? Is this pee in my bed? Mmhmmm, we all know what I'm talking about. And those are just the short-term issues!

Don't worry, I'm not on the path of becoming a teetotaler...my blog is called Conversations at the Bar after all. I'm just suggesting that when we enjoy our wine/whiskey/beer, we enjoy it responsibly. Being drunk is not sexy and it's no fun for friends who have to babysit. Besides, those hangovers are nothing nice these days - pizza at 5am (like I can even stay up that late anymore) to soak it up doesn't cut it like it used to!




*If you feel like you or someone you know needs help with a substance abuse issue, please click on this link to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website to help figure out where to get help in your area.


*I'd also like to give a shout out to Sharkqwando (pronounced Sha-kwan-doe, the r is silent) Light for the picture idea.

I Do Therapy...Retail Therapy!

As soon as you walk in, your eyes connect. You walk over, in a daze, shell-shocked. You can't believe what you're experiencing. Your heart is racing and it feels like you can't breathe. You walk over and touch; the spark is instantaneous. How have you lived this long without each other? You make your approach and ask that fateful question.

“Do you have these in my size?”

You have been waiting for a long time and they are finally, finally on sale. “Ohmigod,” you say to yourself, “please, please, please, have them in my size.” They do! You already know what you're going to wear them with, where you're going to wear them and how well they'll get along with the other shoes in your closet. You leave the store with your new purchase and excitedly call your friend to talk about your shopping success. You're feeling good and when you get home, you try them on with everything. Who cares that you maxed out your credit card again? You deserved these shoes (dress, play station, rare coin collection, whatever) because your week has been...sigh...hard.

Retail therapy is a relatively new term that has been coined to describe how people shop or spend money to make themselves feel better. If we are feeling stressed, we go shopping. If we feel sad, we buy something. If we feel good, we head to our favorite store to get something new. While it's commonly believed that it's only women who engage in this behavior, men do it too. It just may look a little different; what was that last video game/gadget you bought? (Although I know plenty of men who like shoes just as much as I do and women who love their gadgets.)

I believe it's okay to reward ourselves every now and again, especially when we've accomplished a goal. One of the perks to being an adult is doing what you want with your stuff – including your money. Yet, many of us have a problem with being a little too indulgent. There have been times when it felt like I had “extra” money (hahahahaha!) and gave myself permission to buy something new. We often justify purchases because we convince ourselves we need something; however, some of us have a difficult time discerning the difference between a want and a need. For example:

Need: clothes

Want: that new Calvin Klein dress

Rationalization: there are too many pictures on Facebook wearing the same outfit

Need: a computer (potentially arguable, but most of us need a computer for our jobs)

Want: an Ipad

Rationalization: laptops are soooo much heavier and it's going to start hurting my back to carry it around

Need: shelter

Want: an apartment in that swanky building downtown

Rationalization: it has a gym...I'd definitely start working out if I had a gym in my apartment building

Trust me, I am the queen of rationalizing a want into a need. That's why I have so many pairs of shoes in my closet – I really needed those black platform heels because I didn't have any other shoes that made me 6 feet tall.

One thing to be aware of is when the occasional trip to the mall for some retail therapy turns into compulsive shopping/spending. Compulsive shopping is considered a mental health disorder; it can be just as problematic as having an addiction to drugs and alcohol. Here are some signs that you may have a problem:

1. You have purchased items that you've never or seldom worn/used.

2. You feel a mix of euphoria and anxiety when you purchase something new.

3. You hide your purchases from a loved one because it will create conflicts.

4. You buy things on your credit card that you wouldn't pay cash for.

5. When you are having an emotionally difficult time, you head straight to the stores to feel better.

6. You don't have enough space for all your stuff and it's beginning to take over the rest of your house.

This list is by no means exhaustive; click on the link above to take the "Are you a Shopaholic?" test. Don't forget - shopping online also counts!

Money seems to be a dirty word; most of us feel more comfortable talking about our sex lives than our finances. How many of us know how much our friends make? How many of us talk about our own money? Or ask for help when we're struggling? I have definitely been guilty of keeping it a secret. However, in keeping quiet, we're not sharing ideas on how to create spending plans, pay down debt or invest. More importantly, we carry around our anxiety and fears about our own financial health that can be allayed by talking about it with close friends and/or a trusted professional (i.e. a psychotherapist or financial planner).

As we become more professionally accomplished and better financially compensated (hallelujah!), it's crucial that we invest in ourselves by taking care of business now. Even if we are not yet making the amount of money we truly deserve, it is time to start looking at our relationship with money. Is it healthy? Balanced? How is it impacting our stress level and emotional well-being? It's also important to change our mindset. Instead of thinking about how sexy that new dress will be, think about your sexy retirement fund. Or that hot zero balance on your credit card. It's not easy, but damn, it feels better being able to sleep at night, knowing that all your hard-earned money is going where it should – toward taking care of you. Besides...you can only wear one pair of shoes at a time.

When it comes to money, do you avoid dealing with it? Have you been guilty of spending your money before paying your bills? Have you ever robbed Peter to pay Paul? How have your spending habits prohibited you from doing what you want? Are you afraid of being broke? What kinds of messages did you get about money growing up? What are some positive money habits you have learned?