Merry New Year!



Most people view the beginning of a new year as the time to finally make those changes they've been talking about. 15 minutes in and they've already reverted back to their old behavior, stating that they'll wait until the first Monday of the new year to stop biting their nails/eating 2 desserts/buying shoes/exercise more/etc. And then you look up and the new year is already the old year and nothing has actually changed. Well, maybe you have a little extra junk in your trunk from that 2 desserts habit, but is that what you were really going for? Probably not.

I may be talking from experience but I will neither confirm nor deny it.

A couple of years ago, I decided to give up on the whole resolutions thing. Although I am in full support of people making necessary changes in their lives that promote growth and well-being, I also believe it should be on an as-needed basis. If it's April 24th and you need to lose 50lbs, it's probably best to start immediately instead of waiting for the new year. (Or even the next Monday.) We get in the habit of procrastinating change because we really don't want to, but know we need to. "I'll stop eating Oreos for breakfast on Monday/the first of the month/right after my birthday/January 1." When that day rolls around, have you stopped adding milk to crushed Oreos and calling it cereal? Or have you pushed it to the next time?

No judgment, I know all about that life. (Thank god I can't really eat Oreos anymore. It was just recently announced that Oreos may be as addictive as crack! Which is probably why you are eating them for breakfast...and lunch...and dinner.)

In graduate school, I paid a lot of money to learn fancy terms such as countertransference and cognitive dissonance. I also learned something called reframing, which means, to basically sum it up, to take some sh*t you're doing/feeling/thinking/experiencing and look at it through a different, hopefully more positive lens. (I spent a lot of money to learn something I already knew. I want a refund!) Por ejemplo, instead of focusing on how you have to quit the Oreo game, you focus your attention on what you can eat instead. Hello, bacon!

So this year, I've decided to reframe how I look at some of the changes I want (need) to make. I'm not quitting shopping, I'm saving money for traveling/new hobbies/retirement. It's simple, but it's not easy (stupid Groupon emails). We are conditioned to focus on the negative; it's our default. Maybe making a conscious decision to focus on the positive is a change to make for the new year. Or today. Look at it as practicing for next Wednesday.

Dating Success?

As many of you know, my dating woes have provided many an entertaining story. Often, these experiences have led to my bah-humbug attitude towards dating. It's frustrating, it's difficult, it sucks donkey d - okay, okay, you get the picture. My overall take away from dating has been that I hate it and would rather end up alone in a house filled with young, hot cabana boys. (You probably thought I was going to say cats, but 1. I'm allergic, 2. it's such a cliché and 3. they will eat your face off if you die in your sleep.)

After going on a brief dating hiatus for the 2034th time, I started to realize that maybe it's my attitude toward dating that made it feel so exhausting and disappointing. Even though I'm not that chick who is any kind of thirsty for a husband, I am still looking for someone who might could possibly maybe someday be the man I call my partner in crime. Or significant other. Or long-term baby boo. While there is nothing wrong with that, it makes each date seem much more weighted. Although there's no biological clock ticking over here (I am most definitely ambivalent about having children), it feels like there's an urgency to getting settled down. But Moooooom, everyone else is doing it!

Post-adolescent peer pressure is real, yo.

This self-imposed, imagined urgency has shaped my perspective on dating. Instead of approaching each date with a truly open mind, I have had a secret agenda - Operation Get Booed Up! It's not about having a good time or getting to know this guy, it's been about trying to forge a relationship right quick. Time is money people! (I know that has nothing to do with dating, but it feels hella urgent, right?) When things didn't work out, it was another failure to write about in my blog diary.

However, upon reflecting on several past dating experiences (dating = more than one or two dates, seeing someone over a period of time), I realized that they weren't failures, they were successes. The whole point of dating is figuring out if this person is the right one for you. Sometimes you know right away (before the first date is even over) and sometimes it may take a while to figure it out. Too often, we receive the message that you've dated successfully when it ends up in marriage or a long-term relationship. Isn't realizing that this is NOT the right person for you before you marry them the real success? After all, the divorce rate is about 50% in this country.

Since redefining some of my dating experiences as successes, it has changed my approach and belief about dating. Most importantly, it's changed my view about men. It's very easy to hold on to a negativistic view on my fellow man; it's the perfect excuse to lay up under some cabana boy (young, hot cabana boy). Yet, when I really think about some of the guys I've dated, they've steadily improved over the years. I've dated some pretty and smart guys who have been respectful and treated me well. In taking the time to get to know them, I saw that they just weren't the right guy for me. Does that mean it was a dating unsuccess? Nope. Through these experiences, I've learned a lot about myself and what is truly important to me in a relationship.

(It's bacon.)



ATDD

You're having dinner/brunch/croutons with a bunch of friends. You're laughing it up, talking about the poor schmuck who keeps calling you even though you had one date 5 months ago that ended with their temper tantrum. Suddenly, you hear a doorbell/bird whistle/wind chime. That's when it happens; everyone stops hanging out with each other because FB/email/the cloud alerted them that there's a sale on unicorn hair and rainbow catchers. Or they want to let the whole world know they're having the best time eating scones with people that they're no longer interacting with.

Rude. Or at least it would be if you weren't as equally preoccupied with finding out if it's the best rainbow catchers on sale or the knock-offs.

These days, I find myself in a love-hate relationship with technology (as I type on my laptop, hoping to send this out on the interwebs). What makes it awesome is that you can do everything with it. What makes it terrible is that you can do everything with it. I've become so dependent on my phone - not just for communicating, but for waking me up in the morning, helping me get from point A to point B, keeping track of my money and constantly entertaining me. I keep my appointments in there, I make my Target list (a must unless you want to spend $80 every freakin' time you go to buy toilet paper and coffee filters) and take pictures. Sometimes, I even make phone calls!

This is the reason I hate it as well. It can't be good to be completely dependent on objects that are designed to break down at some point in the not-so-distant future.

This is a problem I'm struggling with. I think others are struggling with it too, but may not see it as a problem. After all, many of us like to live in denial. No matter how hard I try, I can't ignore my growing concern about this and how it's affecting us as a community, a country, a world. Although there's no official diagnosis for this condition, I've come up with my own term. I believe we're heading down a path in which this will be included in the next DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). I call it ATDD - Acute Technology Distraction Disorder.

Look around you. How many people are on some kind of electronic gizmo as we speak? Exactly. Everyone! I know more and more people are writing about how to co-exist with our gadgets and relationships, but it's become quite noticeable that the gadgets are winning. The other night, I found myself looking up something on my tablet, while talking on the phone and watching television. Can I tell you what I was watching/looking up/talking about? Nope. And I've got an excellent memory.

The proliferation of easy and constant access to technology is altering our humanness and our ability to relate to one another. The minute I'm not being engaged by another human, I'm on the phone, playing a game or texting, looking random stuff up on the Google. I don't make eye contact with people and I'm not welcoming anyone to approach me. I am essentially sending a signal that I am not interested in other humans...unless we're communicating through space.

Hmm, is this part of the reason I'm single? Oops.

It's also frustrating to be on the other side of that. Do you have that friend who is constantly on their phone, texting others, updating their statuses, checking their email or playing a game...while y'all are supposed to be hanging out? Yeah, me too. Sometimes I am that friend. I feel like a jerk when I do it, but it's become a compulsion to check whenever I get a notification.

Hello, my name is Nicole and I'm addicted to technology.

I'm working on it. As I've been typing, I've received several notifications of some kind, but I'm not getting out of my chair until I've finished writing.  But wait...what if it's an emergency? What if DSW is doing a flash sale and I miss it because I don't check my email RIGHT NOW?! I'll miss out on an opportunity to indulge my other addictions (shoes and shopping)! Oh no, my world is coming to an end!

Dramatic, yes. Accurate thought process, yes. Terrible, fa sho. But I know you understand. Please, please, please try to deny that you are addicted to technology...as you read this on your tablet while you wait for your friend to come back from the bathroom. Does your heart start to beat faster when you think you may have lost/forgotten your phone? Do you constantly check it to see if you have email/status updates/texts? What would happen if you did lose your phone? Would you know how to get back to your house? 

So, as we head into 2014, I've decided to make a commitment to trying harder. I'm keeping my phone in my bag when I'm out with friends. I will only play games when I'm alone. I will limit the phone calls I answer (which is not really an issue, because who actually talks on the phone these days?). I will not use my tablet, phone and television at the same time. I will not succumb to peer pressure when everyone else pulls out their phones because I'm going to become the nag who asks you to do the same when you're in my presence.

Damn, what did I just sign up for? Hold on, I'm going to ask the Google.