DFS

I know I've talked about my dating life before. Unfortunately, it hasn't improved. My friend D has begged me several times to write a book specifically about my dating experiences. After recounting several dating horror stories to a new acquaintance, I realized something: I have been through some sh*t! From the guy who may or may not have had a psychotic disorder to the one who stood me up because he went to JAIL to the guy who kept wanting to touch my hair, I've had enough. After a lot of introspection and self-reflection, I figured out exactly what's going on - I have DFS.

DFS - Dating Fatigue Syndrome

Do you or a loved one suffer from DFS? Here are some of the symptoms:

1. A bitter taste in your mouth when talking about relationships.
2. A sour expression on your face at the mention of dating.
3. An overwhelming feeling of exhaustion when you think about trying to date again.
4. Continuing your off and on relationship with an ex as to avoid dating someone new.
5. Increasing difficulty in suppressing the urge to punch your relative (including your mama) in the face every time you're asked about when you're going to settle down with someone.
6. Pure, unadulterated skepticism when it comes to other people's dating success.
7. You start shouting expletives at the television every time a Match.com or Eharmony commercial comes on.
8. You write a letter to Steve Harvey for dating advice.
9. You heckle romantic comedies.
10. When your mom wants to introduce you to the nice person from her church who's 15 years older, questionably employed with 3 divorces and 4 children under their belt, you say "Why the f*ck not?"
11. If getting laid means having to date, you'd rather be celebate.

If you are experiencing at least 3 of the symptoms listed above, you may have DFS.

FAQs

1. How does one get DFS?
DFS tends to afflict those in the 30+ crowd (although it doesn't mean you're immune in your twenties). You've been in the game for quite some time and have had enough negative (and crazy) experiences, both with relationships and dating, to make you contemplate whether it's worth it or not. When you're leaning more toward "not", it's a sign that you may be developing a case of DFS.

2. Is it contagious?
Although technically it's not contagious, when many of your peers and close friends are experiencing it, it increases the likelihood that you will get it and at a much faster rate.

3. What symptoms should I be most concerned about?
Let's not minimize any of the symptoms listed above - they are all concerning. However, the one to watch out for the most is #8. Okay, #11 is pretty bad too.

4. How can one avoid DFS?
In order to avoid contracting DFS, it is imperative that you avoid dating any soul-sucking, emotionally damaged people. Unfortunately, it's nearly impossible to avoid having at least one or two experiences with these folks. More than that and it's almost guaranteed that you'll develop DFS at some point in the future. It's also really helpful to surround yourself with people who have great romantic relationships.

5. Is there a cure for DFS?
It is recommended that you take a break from dating and investing time in improving yourself and developing other interests and hobbies. Go yachting. Learn how to bake eggplant. Make macaroni necklaces. Do something other than focus on your lack of love life. Often, when you start pouring your energy into other things, the right person will come into your life. However, keep in mind that once you have DFS, it's very difficult to completely get rid of it. The symptoms will remit, but it's very easy to have a flare up after another bad experience.

6. Is there at least some medication I can take for it?
At the time of this writing, there is no pill that can be administered for DFS. I'm sure in the next few years, there will be a pill for it; if you can take one for restless legs, you should be able to get one for DFS. However, until that happens, please be careful; keep your eye out for those symptoms.

DFS is nothing to be ashamed of. It's very common; your neighbor may have it, the trainer at the gym may have, the lady that works at the DMV most definitely has it. However, if it goes on for too long, you may find yourself permanently bitter and jaded, joining the ranks of the emotionally damaged that caused your DFS in the first place. Please, do not ignore this and get the support you need.

Run, Forrest, Run!

It's dark. My eyes adjust to the darkness of the room; my brain slowly becomes aware that we are awake now and we're trying to do stuff. Immediate non-compliance - I negotiate with myself for 5 more minutes. After 6 minutes (truly a rebel), I drag myself to the bathroom to get ready. There's no pumping myself up, no getting amped, no pep talk. It's all discussionment:

 

Me: I'm so tiiiiirrrrreeeeeeeddddd. Why am I doing this?

Self: If you don't do it, you'll regret it later.

Me: I think my bed is still warm. I can get right back in it and go back to sleep.

Self: Now you know you aren't going to fall back to sleep. You're going to be thinking about how you should've gotten up and done it.

Me: Sigh. Whatever. Fine.

Self: Pout all you want to, but do it while you're getting dressed. We gotta go.

Me: You're so bossy.

 

It sounds like it takes much longer than it does; I've got it down to a science and still manage to meet my group on timeish. Before the sun rises, I've started my run.

 

If you had told me a year ago that I would wake up before 5:30 twice a week to run 3 miles with a group of fabulous women, I would have told you to quit playing. When fitness became a regular part of my life about 7 years ago, the idea of me doing any running was laughable. I could do step class, turbo kickboxing and hop on the eliptical trainer, but running? I could wake up and do a bootcamp that involved push ups, dips and planks, but running? Yeah, no.

 

(Every now and again, I'd have these grandiose fantasies of running around Lake Merritt, with the wind whipping through my hair, sun shining on my back. About once a year, I would actually try it...and hate it, questioning my sanity the whole way around. Did you know that when you run, it's hard to breathe at the same time? It creates a burning sensation in your lungs that is quite unpleasant and it makes you sweat - a lot!) 

I didn't always dislike running; as a youngster, it was my main method of transportation. I was also really fast and enjoyed racing people. One time (at band camp), I ran so hard that the inertia propelled me to meet the concrete (that's fancy talk for I fell) and I fractured my wrist! Then it all changed when my wishes came true - I got boobs. That was the end of my running career...until now.

It's not an easy relationship we have, running and I. Now that I'm older (but still fashionably young, don't rush me!), there's more paraphernalia involved -  knee bands, sports bras, fanny packs, running shoes. It takes its toll on my body; my knees and feet often have something to say when I'm done, involving a lot expletives. There's also a lot of negotiation and convincing involved and sometimes my bed wins out. Regardless, I keep doing it. It gives me the chance to think and it feels like such an accomplishment to know that my body can (begrudgingly) run 6 miles or even 13 (on the rarest of occasions). Especially since I didn't feel like I could do it before.

So if I haven't convinced you to grab your sneakers and hit the pavement, that's okay. Running isn't for everyone; given last Monday's event at the Boston Marathon, I could understand why you may be scurred. My one hope is that you will do something that you never thought you could do before, even if it's walking and chewing gum at the same time. The reward is worth it (and you can put it on your resume).

Just for the record, I don't imagine myself as a white woman when I run. ;)

Honesty - The Best Policy?

Yes, honesty is the best policy. Is it the most used policy? Of course it's not. We are all liars.

Bask in the positivity of that statement my friends and go on about enjoying your Friday. You're welcome.

We lie. We lie to our friends, we lie to our co-workers, we lie to our partners, we lie to our families; hell, we even lie to ourselves. Usually, it's not done in a malicious way. Often, they are little white lies we say in order to keep the peace, save face or not hurt anyone's feelings. Unfortunately, all that we're doing is protecting ourselves; we don't want to deal with the fallout telling the truth may cause.

I'm not saying we need to tell everything all the time - there are times when it's best to keep some things to ourselves. It's probably not in our best interest to tell our boss how many office supplies we "borrow" or our new boo that we've looked at all their photos on Instagram. We might keep to ourselves how our BFF's new love has the most atrocious breath or how much you can't stand your mother-in-law. Unless we're asked directly, there's no need to share some things. Even then, I encourage you to proceed with caution. Many people say they want the truth, but again...they're lying. Don't take it personally, they're mostly lying to themselves.

When it comes to affairs of the heart, the honesty-best-policy issue becomes a lot trickier. All of us believe we want an open and honest relationship, but...we can't let all our crazy everything out at once. Is it a lie if we don't acknowledge we're still working out our feelings about our ex-boo from the 8th grade? Or if we "forget" to mention that several of our FB friends are people who've seen us naked? (Which is why you shouldn't be FB friends with a new boo right away anyway!) While these little white lies of omission can seem harmless, most things eventually come to light.


Several months ago, I dated this guy we'll call Bob. He seemed really nice and we were having a good time getting to know each other. Suddenly, his job informed him that he would be moving halfway around the world for a stint and he was forced to put his personal life on hold (i.e. dating). Given his profession and background, this was a totally believable possibility. To say the least, I was disappointed and was sure the universe was really trying mess with my head. Recently, I learned that while Bob may very well be headed to foreign lands some day, he's also headed down the aisle as he got engaged to someone in the last 6 months.

Bob lied.

In this circumstance, it would have been much less painful for me if Bob had just told the truth - he was a devout Christian who does not feel comfortable with homosexuality. Clearly, he and I would not have made it far since I am an honorary lesbian and have a severe church allergy. I'm not sure why it was difficult for him just to say he wanted a nice church girl who doesn't spend her quality time with the gays, but for whatever reason, he felt compelled to tell me all kinds of little and big lies that led to my faith in men weekend being ruined.

Thank God he is a church-going Christian...that makes his lying less liar-y.

Just Three Dollars

All of my friends know that I'm very diligent when it comes to tracking and spending  my money. Although there are several times a month year when I get the Financial F*ckits, I'm overall a responsible chick. So when I got my internet bill this month, I was quite shocked and unprepared to see that it went up three whole dollars! I couldn't understand; it's a set bill and it's been the same for the last year. However, I remained calm and then the following conversation ensued (in my head, not out loud because I don't really talk to myself, not all the time, just some of the time, mind your business!):

Me: Why the F is my bill $3 more?!
Self: It's just $3, you spent more than that on Candy Crush Saga** trying to get extra moves and sh*t.
Me: But that means I'm going to have to reconfigure my budget. That $3 adds up.
Self: Why are you getting indignorant* about $3? You can pay it.
Me: It's about the principalities involved. Is it a one time charge or is this increase for real? I can't even deal with this right now.
Self: Sigh. You're being really extra right now.
Me: This $3 is extra!
Self: Just pay it. It's no big deal.

Since today is pay day (aka pay all your bills and be broke all over again day), I got ready to pay my internet bill, $3 increase and all. Then it occurred to me - how many times have I just let something slide and put up with it because it was the easier thing to do? Or because I didn't want to make a big deal of something that seems kind of small?

Oh snap! This is not about a bill anymore.

We deal with stress on some level every day. Whether it's about work, money, relationships, or the people who keep breaking into your car, we easily get stressed out. In order to not get overwhelmed, we are encouraged not to sweat the small stuff (and to get a medicinal marijuana card for our anxiety). However, it's the unsweated small stuff that starts to add up until it's become a big stuff. Before you know it, you're calling AT&T, yelling at someone in India for increasing your internet bill $3.

(That didn't actually happen. Her name was Carmen and she was in Bakersfield. I did not yell. But we'll come back to that.)


How do you address the small stuff without becoming a nag? This is a very difficult task, especially since the definition of nag is often a source of conflict between partners (and genders). It takes effective communication skills, which also includes active listening and empathy. We often take a victim role - "My boss/partner/friend is doing this to me," when in reality, they are usually unaware of what they are doing. We get frustrated and angry about it and it comes out in how we address it, putting them on the defensive and nothing gets accomplished. However, if someone is engaging in a behavior that bothers you or makes you feel some kind of way, it is important to address it in the moment, regardless of how small it may seem.

Everyday, we make a decision about how we allow the world to treat us. While some of us go the more aggressive route of confronting every little issue with any and everybody, most of us try to avoid conflict as much as possible. Not necessarily because we're wussies (although some of us are), but because it's easier and we don't want to make a big deal out of something seemingly small. Yet, there comes a point where we have to start putting our foot down; over time, those little things we let slide can send a message that we will tolerate being treated any kind of way. This can lead to resentment and passive-aggressive behavior and you may find that yourself without internet service because you're "getting them back" by not paying your bill.

So I decided instead of automatically paying the extra $3, I was going to investigate and see what this was all about. I had a very lovely conversation with Carmen, who explained that the increase was mentioned in the February bill (who actually looks at their online PDF bill?!) but she would happily allow me to pay the regular fee this month and start the increased rate next month. Then she tried to sell me some extra technology, which I politely declined and we got off the phone, relationship intact.

Really Carmen, if I'm griping about $3, do you think I want to pay another $80 more per month? Silly rabbit!


*indignorant - indignant about ignorant sh*t
** do not play this game unless you plan on selling your soul (or your kidney) just to clear some freakin' jelly!