B.Y.O.M. - Bring Your Own Matches

This was maybe our fourth or fifth date. He had offered to make me coconut shrimp curry over rice. Considering my aversion to the kitchen and my limited grad school budget, a home-cooked meal, international-style sounded right up my alley...even if it was an hour train ride away. I got to his house and the food was delicious. He was playing his guitar for me and showing me all his gadgets when all of a sudden there was a rumbly in my tumbly.

First thought: Oh sh*t. (Both literally and figuratively.)

Second thought: What am I going to do? I can't go home. Would it be really weird if I left to run a quick errand and then came back? Oh right, it's 9 pm.

Third thought: This is a Def-Con 5 situation. I'm just going to pray he doesn't have to follow behind me.

Fourth thought: Please have toilet paper. (After all, he was a bachelor.) And spray or matches or something.

We hadn't been dating long and this was my first time at his house. While it's common knowledge that everyone poos, it's rarely discussed in the early stages of dating. I don't know about you, but there has to be a certain level of comfort for me to *ahem* have a movement at your house. Since we were just getting to know each other, that level of comfort wasn't quite there yet. Considering my body did not give a damn, I was going to have to do this regardless.

Yes! Toilet paper. But no spray, no matches. Sigh.

When we're dating, there are all kinds of events that signify that we're becoming closer and perhaps moving toward a relationship. Meeting the family, traveling together, giving them a key to your place, changing the Facebook status; these are usually pretty noteworthy. However, there are also these little tiny indicators that are sometimes overlooked that are also signs that you're becoming more intimate. Keep in mind - it doesn't mean because you went number 2 at their house, you're automatically in a relationship. It just means that you feel comfortable enough to let them see the humanness that we tend to hide in the beginning stages of dating.

Here are 9 other indicators that you are feeling comfy:

1. Farting
2. Sleeping with your retainer/mouth guard
3. Using the bathroom with the door open
4. Driving their car/letting them drive your car
5. Picking their nose
6. Sharing a toothbrush (not all the time, but because you forgot yours)
7. Seeing the house messy
8. They see you in the underwear that needed to be thrown away 5 years ago
9. You allow them to leave toiletries at your house

Of course, this is by no means a comprehensive list. I'm sure I've left off a few other things and I know there are people out there who do some of these things out the gate. But most of us wait - or at least try - before we start blowing up the bathroom. After all, we only want our potential baby boos to see the best sides of ourselves; that's how we trick convince them to like us. Although I'm very big on not misrepresenting yourself, I think it's important to keep some of your less appealing qualities a mystery in the beginning. There has to be a buy-in, an investment of interest in the beginning in order to continue dating. That rarely includes letting them see the pile of dirty clothes in the corner or the stack of dishes we haven't felt like washing for going on a week now. If everyone front-loaded all their disgusting unique habits and tendencies, no one would date.

Wanted: A man with questionable hygiene, who believes that farting and scratching himself is part of foreplay. If your toilet bowl hasn't been cleaned since the beginning of the 21st century and washing dishes is against your personal belief system, hit me up!


Um, no.


Luckily, my prayers to the boo boo gods were heard - he didn't have to go right after me. (Isn't that the worst?) And next time, I brought my own matches.