That Which Replies To You, Does Not Reply To Me

Right before I started my freshman year of college, I got into a relationship with one Slick Nasty. As evidenced by his very lovely nickname, he was definitely someone you date when you're young and dumb. (In my defense, besides the fact that I was not quite 18 when we met, I wasn't that dumb - clearly, there was an expiration date on this relationship.) Although he wasn't my first boyfriend, he was my first adult boyfriend, with 5 years of life experience on me. However, since I knew more stuff than he did, we were pretty even. Having had exactly one boyfriend prior to Slick, I had a very limited understanding of how relationships worked. Apparently, I missed the seminar on how there must be fights; when we had our first one, it was a shock to my system. While I can't remember what the fight was about, something he said has stuck with me, all 389 years later. Are you ready? It's quite profound.

"What replies to you doesn't reply to me."

This stuck with me for 2 reasons. One, because I remember being very sensitive to his manhood and trying to subtly correct him. "If it applies to me, it does apply to you." (We had already had a very serious conversation about why I thought I was smarter than him - subtleties were not his strong suit.) The second reason was this idea that there were things he could do in our relationship but I could not. To me, that was totally ludicrous and he had no legitimate rationale. However, it came up subsequent times in my relationship with Mr. Nasty - the relationship double standard.

As we exist in a society of double standards, they are inescapable as many have been built into our understanding of gender rules and roles. Each of us comes into our relationship with an idea of how things should work based on a number of variables: family of origin, past experiences, education, emotional intelligence, personality, etc. One would hope that within our romantic relationships, there is a belief that each partner is equal. Unfortunately, regardless of sexual preference, many people do indeed have a double standard within their relationships. What's good for the goose is NOT good for the gander!

It would be easy to attribute the double standard to gender lines. And sometimes, the double standard is based on what is expected of each gender. However, it is not so black and white. Many of these relationship double standards are a confluence of gender role ideology, trust issues, selfishness and projection. Basically, it boils down to one simple concept: "I want to do what I want to do when and how I want to do it. But...that doesn't mean you get to do the same." Hence, the root cause of many arguments with Slick.

Let's be clear: this is not about the division of labor nor gender-based relationship roles. In reality, both genders benefit from their roles (as well as suffer for them). For example, it's usually the men who are tasked with the more physically laborious job. They kill the spiders, put gas in the car and take out the garbage. As a woman who dates men, I definitely benefit from that. Women tend to take on more of the household chores; they make sure everyone is wearing clean underwear, there's fruit and vegetables in the refrigerator and that you don't need shower shoes in your own bathtub. (Of course, these are generalizations based on a more traditional idea of gender roles, but even the most liberated woman doesn't like to kill spiders.) However, I'm speaking to a behavior or set of behaviors that one partner engages in, but becomes indignorant (indignant about ignorant sh*t) when their partner does the exact same thing!

Let me paint a picture for you:
Chris and Pat are out to dinner. As they are seated, a strikingly good-looking so-and-such walks by. Chris stops mid-sentence, follows the person with their eyes, and drool is practically coming out of their mouth. Now Pat, who is somewhat used to this behavior, has learned to mostly ignore it. It's bothersome and a bit rude, but Chris is pretty harmless. Their server approaches - their gorgeous server who just so happens to be Pat's type. Although Pat is pretty smooth about appreciating the server, Chris still notices and becomes outraged, talking about how rude and disrespectful it is for Pat to check someone else out - right in front of them!

D-o-u-b-l-e s-t-a-n-d-a-r-d.

Is it fair? No. Have we all done it? I'm sure most of us have at some point in our relationship history. (You may be doing it as we speak!) Some of us do it in little ways while others do it in big ways. Regardless, when we do it, we are often trying to divert attention away from our own behavior by highlighting what our partner is doing - even though it's the same thing. We become defensive, trying to show how when we do it, it's different. Deep down, we know it's not, we just don't like to look and feel like hypocrites. And some of us have an allergy to taking responsibility for our actions. It's much easier to project than to proclaim, particularly if we are in the wrong. This replies to everyone, not just men and not just women.

So if your partner has brought it to your attention that you are double standardizing* them, you owe it to them and your relationship to take a step back and try to see things from their perspective. Sometimes it helps to ask a third party because some of your beliefs may be so deeply ingrained, it's difficult to recognize that they may always be skewed in your favor. It's also an opportunity to see where these ideas are coming from. What's at the root of these thoughts/feelings/beliefs? Is it mistrust? Are you being selfish? Is this how things were in your family? If this is something that's troublesome in your relationship, you will figure out how to compromise; otherwise, this issue will come up again and again and could cause significant damage to your relationship. Although we all know life isn't fair, there are some things that should at least be close.

Even if you are the one that has to kill the spiders all the time.

*If you or someone you know is being double standardized, please do not hesitate to get help by calling 1-800-HPO-CRIT. (Uh, yes, I made that up.)

Competitve Much? So Am I

I'm currently participating in a boot camp (VERY early in the morning) and I'll be the first to admit it - I'm HELLA (for those not from the Bay Area, hella = very) competitive. I like to finish first, I like to win, I like to beat everyone, even if it's just in my mind. And you would think that it is all in my mind because we're not actually set up as a competition. We're not racing each other and there's definitely no prize if you finish first (except to do the exercises alotta more times). Yet, I know it's not only in my mind. I can feel those ladies on my heels, see them in my periphery and it makes me work a little bit harder, run a little bit faster. While there are definitely some mornings where I just don't got it, they are few and far in between because I'm going to win. I also like to win at Scrabble, Bejeweled Blitz, card games, spelling bees, and calculating the appropriate tip on the restaurant bill. (What do you mean, that's not a game?)

Despite my uber-competitive nature, I will not win by any means necessary. I don't "accidentally" trip, bump or elbow anyone so I can be first. More importantly, it does not affect my very healthy ego when someone else does win (but I will play you over and over again until I do). Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who do not compete fair and square; they will sabotage your science experiment or steal your shoe laces. Remember that saying from childhood, cheaters never win and winners never cheat? That was pretty much a lie. Cheaters win all the time. Their souls may be dark and their auras black, but they still own Boardwalk and Park Place.

There are some things, though that we compete over but don't need to. Houses, cars, husbands, wives, jobs, money, vacations, longest hair; you name it, there are people out there who are competing for it. But they're not competing with Joe Schmoe out there, they are competing with their friends and family. You know who they (you?) are. They like to flaunt whatever it is they have, whether it be their new 102 in television or the top of the line kazoo they got on ebay (it harmonizes really well). Some people are just plain braggarts; they like to boast about whatever it is they have going on. However, there are some people who are obviously trying to be the Joneses that you are to keep up with.

What's the difference you ask? Ah, let me give you some examples:

Braggart: Look at my new watch! Isn't it awesome? It's a Kardashian.
Jones: Have you heard about the new line of Kardashian watches? It's like a Rolex, but with more diamonds and you get a free eyeliner with it. I just picked mine up. I'm so glad I don't have to be on the waiting list. Oh wait, aren't you on the waiting list?

Braggart: OMG, I just got front row tickets to the Ray J concert. Isn't that awesome? Maybe he'll sign my picture of Whitney.
Jones: I just got box tickets to Ray J's show. Of course, I didn't have to pay for them, as I've known him for so long. Didn't you want to go to that concert? Too bad tickets are sold out...at least the ones that are worth anything.

Braggart: My son can dunk! Isn't that awesome? Holler at a scholar...ship!
Jones: Did you see my son dunk in the last game? I know he's been practicing really hard, but it's obvious he's got that natural talent. What about Junior...has he gotten to play yet?

The difference between a braggart and a Jones is that the braggart is genuinely happy...for themselves. They are excited about what they have going on and want to share it with you (or everyone). While they may not necessarily be fun to be around all the time, they are essentially harmless. A Joneses attitude on the other hand, is trying to make you feel small and less-than for not having what they have. Everything they have is bigger, better, shinier, fabulouser and more important than what you have. Especially because they say so. Interestingly enough, these type of people are actually quite insecure; they can only feel good about themselves by making others feel bad. That's the only way they can "win."

Admittedly, it can be difficult not to get caught up in their game. Although I'm pretty happy with my life, there are things I wouldn't mind doing or having access to. It can be hard to swallow when that dumbass co-worker/frenemy/family member is doing/buying/getting something I want and they're throwing it in my face. However, if they feel the need to throw it in your face, you can either slap them as hard as you can or you can act genuinely happy for them, thus not giving them the satisfaction of you appearing to be jealous (even if you really are).

Life is too short to compete; there's no real measure of who's life is better. We can only judge by what we see and we often do not have an accurate picture of what's going on beneath the surface. The person who has "everything" may be getting beat by their partner or may not be able to have children or are filing for bankruptcy; we rarely know the whole story. Keep that in mind the next time you deal with a Jones. It's important to work toward improving your life - as long as it's what makes you happy, not what everyone else thinks should make you happy. So go ahead, pull out the kazoo you got from the box of Cocoa Krispies and harmonize with the best of them!

Can You Handle It?

It's a Saturday morning. I'm sitting in my Wonder Woman underwear and t-shirt with a bowl of cereal, watching the Smurfs. A commercial comes on. My 6-year old self instantly recognizes what they're hawking. Dolls. Dolls that grow in a cabbage patch. Plastic heads, yarn hair, squishy body, Xavier Robert's name tattooed on their little booties. I needed one immediately. Since my birthday had already passed, it was time to pray to Santa. Fast-forward to Christmas and guess what I got? A Cabbage Patch doll...knock-off. No tattoo meant it wasn't legit and my baby's bottom was bare as a baby's bottom. What was this feeling again?

Oh yeah. Disappointment.

Although I'd had plenty of experience with this emotion before (no dessert, strictly enforced bedtime, becoming a big sister), it felt brand new. I considered having a tantrum, but quickly deduced it would not get me a real Cabbage Patch doll nor would it enhance the rest of Christmas day. Outside of that, there didn't seem to be any other options in dealing with my disappointment, so I did what any smart kid would do - I played with it until I got distracted by my other new toys.

I wished it stayed that simple.

Whether it be with work, friends, money, baby boos, getting a parking ticket, it often seems like disappointment is lurking around every corner. Some disappointments you get over quickly and move on. My fake Cabbage Patch doll looked real and who was going to look at its butt besides me? If we always got every little thing we wanted, most things wouldn't have much value and would be difficult to appreciate. (Hello, Kim Kardashian wedding.) Unfortunately, as we get older, what our heart desires becomes more complex and multi-faceted.

Disappointment is a part of life and how we handle it can greatly influence how we live. Remember your first heartbreak? Or when you were served with divorce papers? How about when you didn't get that bonus you were promised at work? (That taste in your mouth right now might be bitterness.) While it is easy to fixate on life's disappointments, it can also lead to a life of bitterness and victimhood. These people tend to constantly point their fingers at everyone/something else, seldom taking responsibility for their choices and actions. Life is something that happens to them and to be honest, they are not fun people to be around.

I'm not saying disappointment is an easy emotion to deal with. Often, our disappointments come as a result of expectation. Some believe that having expectations of anything is a set up for disappointment; in some ways, it is. However, if you don't have expectations of anyone, yourself included, what are you striving for? How do you grow? How do you have healthy relationships? There is something to be said about realistic expectations, but to have none is also a set up...just a set up for failure instead.  

I believe the hardest disappointments to deal with are the ones you have no control over. Regardless of all the steps you'd taken - the hail Mary's, putting the secret on it, throwing pennies in a fountain, or just plain trying your hardest, you really have no say in the outcome. Unfortunately, that is often the case; there are many things in life we have no control over, but we believe we do. That is the most disappointing realization of them all because there wasn't anything you could have done to prevent your disappointment. But...you can control your response.

When we learn to deal with life's challenges and disappointments in a healthy manner, it can make us a stronger person. It doesn't mean to suppress your feelings; if you need to wallow for a minute, wallow. Nothing wrong with having a little pity party. However, let it reinforce your resolve to keep it pushing, to stay determined and to achieve your goals; your disappointments can either destroy you or inspire you. Whichever path you choose, don't be disappointed by where you end up - it's totally up to you.

And baby dolls shouldn't have tattoos on their butts anyway!

There's Something We Need to Talk About

During my first-year field placement in grad school, I had a little situation with one of the managers of the program. He wasn't my supervisor, but he was a supervisor. He had this tendency to interrupt the groups I ran, in a manner that I felt was disrespectful. Granted, the participants were homeless men who heard voices and were trying not to smoke crack, but still...rude! Although I'm generally pretty laid back, I felt he had crossed the line. However, in order to put an end to this trifling behavior, I was going to do something I really didn't want to do: confront him.

Dayum, Gina.

Like most people, I try to avoid confrontation like the plague. It's uncomfortable and in certain situations, I totally get bubble guts because I'm so nervous. (TMI? My bad.) Whether it's a friend, a co-worker, a baby boo or a boss, not too many people enjoy confronting someone or being confronted, especially if it's something major. Yet, it's unavoidable...unless you like being a doormat.That's what can make it so difficult because you're essentially making yourself vulnerable. You are telling on yourself about what you need, what you like, what you don't like, how you feel about something/someone to another human being; you are telling them they have the power to affect you. Fortunately, most of us are not sociopaths (although I hear this Kofy guy is a mean SOB) and we are usually invested in what the confronter is saying. How you are confronted, however, can either lead to resolution or fisticuffs (aka an ass beating).

There is a common misconception that confrontation has to be an aggressive and hostile event. And many are, but often unnecessarily so. Because people (especially women) don't want to appear as petty or demanding, they allow issues to fester until they get good and pissed. Then there's an explosion of accusations and self-righteous indignation (or indignoration, depending on the situation) because the other person has not sussed out what the problem is from all the passive-aggressive comments and shenanigans. Suddenly, the confrontation morphs into finger-pointing, chicken-necking screaming match about selfishness and arrogance when the original issue was about leaving one swallow of orange juice in the container. (Hopefully, that's with a friend/family member/baby boo and not your boss...awkward.)

There's an art to confrontation. It takes forethought, insight and a little objectivity. It's easy to believe that you're right all the time (I most certainly do), but really, you're not. In many situations involving humans, there often isn't a clear-cut, black and white right or wrong. We all have our reasons for doing things and we sometimes neglect to think about the impact on others. Here are 7suggestions to have a "happy" confrontation:

1. Figure out what you would like to happen as a result. Do you just need to be heard or is there something specific you need for this to be resolved?
2. Be honest with yourself. In what ways may you have contributed to this situation?
3. Take a step back and check in with yourself emotionally. If you are angry, it may not be the best time to confront your boss about why you got passed over for that promotion.
4. Be prepared to listen. You may find that the other person has some things to confront you about. If you are not ready to hear them, it may not be the right time for this confrontation.
5. Pick an appropriate time and space. Your anniversary dinner is probably not the best time to confront your husband about the size 14 stiletto heels you found in his gym bag. (I'd like to be a spectator for that confrontation though!)
6. Have some ideas about how to resolve the issue. "I don't know, just fix it" is NOT a solution.
7. Let it go once it's been addressed/resolved. I'm sure another issue will come to take its place in all due time, so there's no use in always talking about "how they always leave one swallow in the container." Besides, it will just make you mad all over again.

I know all these suggestions don't make it easier to confront someone. And sometimes, our audience isn't open to being confronted. Just keep in mind that a closed mouth doesn't get fed and nothing will change if you only sit around wishing it would. I did address the issue with the rude supervisor guy. I was nervous and my tummy was churning, but I did it. He apologized and it never happened again. We became the best of friends and are still in touch.

Just kidding - I couldn't stand him before and I couldn't stand him after. But he didn't interrupt my groups no more times!

Trickeration in the Dancery

You're at the grocery store and both of you reach for the last organic sprouted gluten-free dairy-free (flavor-free) whatchamacallit. You both chuckle and they allow you to have it...as long as they can get your number. Since they are cute, apparently single and have good taste in whatchamacallits, you give them the digits. Soon thereafter, a date is planned.

Here's the first date checklist:
1. shower
2. shave
3. brush teeth
4. iron your fancy clothes and put them on
5. put on makeup (some guys are into eyeliner)
6. put on some smell-good
7. dust off the heels/church shoes

Some of you know that in your everyday, regular state of being, you barely do 1-3, much less even own an ironing board. However, this is the first date and you only get one time to make a good first impression. While there's the distinct possibility that this whatchamacallit eater may only look good under the fluorescent lighting of a grocery story, you're hopeful that you'll like each other. That's why you're wearing the shoes that cut off the circulation in your left baby toe.

When we date someone new, we all bring our representative. This is the best version of ourselves, the one that not only has wrinkle-free clothing, but also is interesting, delightful, entertaining and totally flaw-free. During the first few dates, our representative is in full effect mode (like Al B. Sure, for your pleasure); we don't want to scare our prospective boos with all our idiosyncrasies and unique personality quirks at one time. If you're fortunate, you've made a real connection and can feel okay to let your soul glow; you can be your truest self and send your representative home.

There's nothing wrong with sending your rep out there; part of it is biological as we are subconsciously drawn to people who are physically attractive for procreating reasons. There is also a list of characteristics to which we respond positively and reinforce our initial physical attraction. But more importantly, we owe it to ourselves to be protective of the information we disclose. In sharing who we are, we make ourselves vulnerable to the possibility of ridicule and judgment. They don't need to know about your bad credit or extensive collection of beanie babies right away. There will be some things they will discover about you (and you them) over time. That's the (allegedly) fun of dating, the getting-to-know someone part.

Some people don't seem to understand there's a difference between a representative and a misrepresentative. Your representative is still you - it's just a more polished version. A misrepresentative, however, is a falsified version of who you are. Sometimes, people outright lie and make up stories about who they are. They often have an ulterior motive (or a personality disorder) for lying, whether it be to get sex, money or whatever. They are the extreme version of misrepresentation. There are others though that may be pretending to be the self they wish they were or the self they think you want them to be. The problem is that your true self will eventually come to light.

To ensure that you're not misrepresenting who you are to your new boo, it's important to take a self-inventory. Get your friends and family involved; they'll be more than happy to tell you alllllllllllllllll about yourself. If you haven't really figured out who you are yet, maybe it's not the right time for you to date. It's also important to know what you want. If you're just trying to get laid, be honest with yourself (and your date) about that. Make sure your behavior is congruent with your words. If you're saying that you don't want a relationship, don't act like you're in one. While some may argue that honesty isn't always the best policy, it is when it comes to being honest with yourself. After all, those beanie babies didn't magically appear in your closet, right?