En Vacances!

A couple weeks ago, I mentioned that I have planner tendencies but I've been accused many times (usually by the same person) of being a full-fledged planner. While I maintain that it's all relative, there is one thing I'm most excellent at planning: vacations. I have it down to a science that involves algorithms, spreadsheets and the time/space continuum. Oh, and a smidgen of imagination, creativity and if at all possible, a passport.

I'm not telling you this because I won't be writing my blog this week (clearly), I'm telling you this because it's very important for everyone to go on vacation. Time is flying folks and where have you been? On your couch? No bueno, c'est mal! (It sounds more interesting in foreign languages.) It's easy to pooh pooh the idea of going somewhere because it costs too much money, it's a pain in the ass to get folks together, the flights are too long, you have kids in school, blah, blah, blah. Those are all sorry excuses because vacations don't necessarily have to be expensive...especially if you plan it right. Even the 99% need to go somewhere.

As a nation of workaholics, it's unfortunate that we don't get the amount of vacation that we deserve and actually really need. Most of us get a pathetic two weeks every year; it's even worse when it's combined with our sick time. Two weeks is barely the amount of time necessary to truly relax and decompress from the stresses of work. When we are stressed out, we are more prone to illness, fatigue, mental health issues and weight gain (booty-do). So as one friend succinctly said once, "Get on a f*cking plane and go somewhere!"

Here's how you plan a vacation:

1. Decide what kind of vacation you want to have. Do you like doing nothing on the beach? (Um, hell yeah!) Are you into museums and architecture? Do you prefer a specific kind of climate?
2. When do want to go? For how long?
3. How much vacation/PTO do you have available currently? How much will you have by the time you intend to go?
4. Who do you want to travel with?
5. Once you've figured out all of that stuff, do some research on places to stay, local culture, money, etc.
6. Buy the ticket.
7. Get on a f*cking plane, train or automobile. (Yes, I know you're supposed to get in an automobile, hush.)
8. Do not check work email. Do not check work voicemail. Do not call work. Don't even let them know where you're going.
9. Relax.

It seems like a long list and items 1-4 can be quite difficult to figure out, particularly item #4, your travel buddy. As an avid traveler, I've learned that not all friends are meant to travel together; relationships have been damaged, sometimes irreparably, after folks go on vacation together. My preference is to travel with someone, but it can be a real pain in the ass trying to coordinate everyone's vacation time and money. I just plan a trip and hope that someone can join me. If they can, great, if they can't, I'm still going. Don't be afraid to travel alone; sometimes the most interesting and fortuitous experiences happen because you're by yourself. Plus, you get to do whatever you want. You want to spend all day shopping? Do it. You want to lay on the beach, reading and drinking a pina colada? Great idea. You want to go rock climbing? Excellent. Just be smart and aware of your environment, especially if you're a woman traveling solo, and you'll be fine.

Any ideas yet on where you're going?

Even if you're doing something more local within driving distance, the same vacation principles apply. The point is that you are taking a break from the humdrum/chaos of your daily life. I believe it's best done far, far away, but not everyone has enough PTO or money to do that. However, you can take a vacation; there are plenty of low budget options and if you think about it, maybe you turn that shoe money into vacation money. Believe it or not, it's highly unlikely that your office will implode without you there. Actually, if you don't take a break, it can increase the likelihood that things will fall apart because your ass is exhausted and burned out. I'm pretty sure you don't get a bonus for having a heart attack due to stress.

Alas, I am practicing what I preach. While your eating your lunch at your desk, I'll be on my way to converse at another bar in another country. Don't hate...observate, notate, imitate and vacate!

Liquor May Be Quicker But Wine is Devine

My love affair with red wine began on an overcast day in San Francisco about 2 years ago. A girlfriend was in town and she introduced me to a pinot noir that forever changed my "ew gross" opinion about red wine. Unless it's a hot day or the only thing being offered, I have all but abandoned white wine. The melange (that's the fancy French way of saying blend) of blackberry and strawberry, with notes of vanilla and a smokey oak...ha ha ha, who am I kidding? I like the way it tastes on my tongue.

Most importantly, it makes me feel all warm on my insides. There's a reason it's called happy hour...a nice little buzz to take the edge off the long work day.

Many of us consider some form of alcohol to be part of the major food groups. Can your grilled mahi mahi really be that good without a chardonnay? Can you eat buffalo wings without a (hopefully shared) pitcher of beer? Tacos without a margarita? A juicy steak without a vodka tonic or glass of red wine? Of course not! Obviously, food and alcohol go together like peanut butter and jelly.  I'm still waiting for Shelly Obama to put that on the chart. (We're friends, it's okay for me to call her Shelly.)

It's also a great socializing tool. Alcohol can make everyone seem a little bit funnier, smarter, cuter, skinnier, taller, whatever-er...until it doesn't. That's when one crosses over into drunken hot-mess territory. We are no longer funny or cute, we're just loud and obnoxious and sometimes sweaty because puking our guts out is exhausting. Oh please, you know we've all been there at some point. For some of us, it may have even been last night. Nothing wrong with that, although getting hammered on a school night is generally not a good idea.

Let me clarify. Nothing wrong with that...on occasion. If being a drunken hot-mess is a recurring status update, alcohol may not be your friend after all. Until recently, I had this crazy idea that alcoholism was a problem for old people, particularly men. However, I'm beginning to see that some of my peers, both men and women, are straddling the fine line between alcohol abuse and dependence. Now that we're no longer in the "I'm in my twenties, therefore I do a lot of dumb shit" phase, we can't hide behind the intrinsic stupidity of youth. As we move through our (very, incredibly early) thirties, is it still appropriate to begin all of our stories with "I got so wasted this weekend..."? Hmmm.

So when does alcohol transition from being a tasty treat to being a liver problem in the making? That's part of the problem; it's often an issue that you may not realize you have until you happen to be reading a blog. A blog that you really like because it takes place in a BAR!!!! OH MY GOD!!!

In all seriousness, how do you know if you or a loved one has a problem? Here's the diagnostic criteria for both alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence:

Alcohol abuse:
Abuse of alcohol or a substance (such as cocaine, nicotine, marijuana, etc.) is generally characterized by a maladaptive pattern of alcohol or substance use leading to significant impairment or distress, as manifested by 1 or more of the following, occurring within a one year period:

• Recurrent substance use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home (e.g., repeated absences or poor work performance related to substance use; substance-related absences, suspensions, or expulsions from school; neglect of children or household)
  
• Recurrent alcohol or substance use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (e.g., driving an automobile or operating a machine when impaired by substance use)
  
• Recurrent alcohol or substance-related legal problems (e.g., arrests for alcohol or substance-related disorderly conduct)
  
• Continued alcohol or substance use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of alcohol or substance use (e.g., arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication, physical fights) 

Alcohol Dependence:
Dependence upon alcohol or a specific substance (such as cocaine, nicotine, marijuana, etc.) is characterized by a maladaptive pattern of alcohol or substance use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by 3 or more of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

1. Tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
   
   • A need for markedly increased amounts of the alcohol or substance to achieve intoxication or desired effect
     
   • Markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of the alcohol or substance
2. Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:
   
   • 2 or more of the following, developing within several hours to a few days of reduction in heavy or prolonged alcohol or substance use:
     • Sweating or rapid pulse
     • Increased hand tremor
     • Insomnia
     • Nausea or vomiting
     • Physical agitation
     • Anxiety
     • Transient visual, tactile, or auditory hallucinations or illusions
     • Grand mal seizures
   • The same substance (or another substance) or alcohol is taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms
3. The substance or alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended
   
4. There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control use of alcohol or the substance
   
5. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol or the substance (e.g., visiting multiple doctors or driving long distances), using alcohol or a substance (e.g., chain-smoking), or recovering from its effects
   
6. Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of the continued alcohol or substance use
   
7. The substance or alcohol use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance (e.g., current cocaine use despite recognition of cocaine-induced depression, or continued drinking despite recognition that an ulcer was made worse by alcohol consumption) 

(These definitions were taken from http://psychcentral.com/disorders/.) 

Because it is socially acceptable and legal to drink, it's easy for us to dismiss or minimize the consequences of our behavior. Unfortunately, there can be some serious short and long-term effects of alcohol overuse. Oops, how did that fetus get into my uterus? Who's this chick in my bed? How did I get home last night? Who is stomping around in my brain so loudly? Why is there lion in the bathroom? Is this pee in my bed? Mmhmmm, we all know what I'm talking about. And those are just the short-term issues!

Don't worry, I'm not on the path of becoming a teetotaler...my blog is called Conversations at the Bar after all. I'm just suggesting that when we enjoy our wine/whiskey/beer, we enjoy it responsibly. Being drunk is not sexy and it's no fun for friends who have to babysit. Besides, those hangovers are nothing nice these days - pizza at 5am (like I can even stay up that late anymore) to soak it up doesn't cut it like it used to!




*If you feel like you or someone you know needs help with a substance abuse issue, please click on this link to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website to help figure out where to get help in your area.


*I'd also like to give a shout out to Sharkqwando (pronounced Sha-kwan-doe, the r is silent) Light for the picture idea.

The Planner Vs. The Flow-er

 

VS.

It's Wednesday night and there's relief on the horizon - the weekend! You call text your fairly new baby boo:

You: Hey you, how are you?
Them: I'm good, just relaxing.
You: Yeah, it's been a long day. I just wanted to see if you wanted to do something this weekend.
Them: Oh, I don't know, I have some things in the mix.
You: Oh, okay, what are you going to be doing?
Them: You know, maybe hanging with friends, might catch a movie, get something to eat. Things like that.
You: Well, let's make plans to hang out this weekend, I want to see you.
Them: Yeah, I'll check in with you and see what you're up to.
You: Okay.

In your text, you say okay. In real life, you are highly irritated. Since it's still in the pre-DTR phase, it feels a little uncomfortable to get irate; you can't show your crazy all at once. This can easily lead us down the "If they were interested in me, they would make plans with me" path, which is definitely a possibility not to be ignored. However, there is the possibility of something else - they just might not be someone who likes to plan. You may end up spending the whole weekend with them for all you know.

As someone who has a lot of planner tendencies, this drives me crazy bananas.

One of the most difficult aspects in navigating relationships are our differences. While it definitely makes life more interesting, it can also cause a lot of stress and frustration when the differences are diametrically opposed. Can a teetotaler be with a wine enthusiast? Can a neat-freak live with a hoarder? Sure; if both people are invested, they can make it work. It just takes A LOT of patience and compromise on both ends.

When it comes to the planner and the flow-er, there are other underlying factors that contribute to the differences between the two. For example, a planner tends to be punctual while a flow-er tends to run a bit behind schedule. A planner is often very organized - the spice rack is alphabetized and their underwear is neatly folded and grouped together by color. Meanwhile, a flow-er is still looking for that left shoe that might be in their closet - or is it in the trunk of the car? - in 2009. While this may be seemingly benign, there are many folks out there who don't understand one another for these exact reasons. (Seriously, why would you only have one shoe, possibly in the trunk of your car? Where the f*ck could the other shoe have gone? Aren't they a pair?!)

Luckily, with some love and patience, each one can learn from the other. While a planner's way of life may seem a little easier to follow since it's so well organized, sometimes they* can be rigid and have a difficult time relaxing. They get so caught up in their itinerary and having to be somewhere by a specific time to do a specific thing, they miss the double rainbows in life. With a flow-er, their easy-going approach to time can lead to spontaneous adventures that no one can ever really plan. However, there is also a downside. Sometimes we miss out on opportunities because we didn't act in a timely manner. Or we end up spending more money because of late fees. Or we lose important things in the clutter and disorganization.

So how do the planners and flow-ers navigate their differences? Obviously, they plan to navigate things in a timely and orderly fashion. Just kidding. There is a way to meet in the middle. Maybe the flow-er give the planner a time and a place to meet and the planner lets go of their list of things to do. Maybe the planner lets the flow-er know the importance of an event so they'll be on time, but punctuality won't be important for every event. Regardless of the solution, the most important part is that both people are willing to work towards finding one that works and is respectful of the differences. Over time, that flow-er may keep both shoes in their closet (at the same time even) while the planner may allow their paprika to sit next to the cinnamon on the spice rack.


*I said I have planner tendencies. You should see the trunk of my car (although every shoe that's in there has its match and a reason)!